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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who is BU

193 replies

Fizzypoo · 10/09/2019 18:52

AIBU yes is he BU no

Ds (12) washes up every night.

Last night he didn't wash the slow cooker pot and a couple of cups/ice-cream bowls that were left in the living room (pudding on the sofa later on in the evening rather than straight after dinner).

This morning I text him and said in a jokey way that I was saving the bits he missed for later. I.e natural consequences.

Ds came home from school after film club with his mate. He came in and asked if he could do the bits he missed with the rest of the dinner stuff later as he brought his friend home. I said yes. In my mind there's not a lot of difference and he will still have the same amount to do taking the same amount of time.

Dp (been together a few years, he's only been living with us for four months) has come home from work on his turn to cook dinner and is not happy. Dp is annoyed that DS is playing playstation in his room with his mate and hasn't washed up yet. I said I didn't really think it mattered as he will still have the same amount to do. Dp is now annoyed that ds hasn't been punished (his words) and felt that him washing up twice was the punishment and is unhappy that I haven't enforced it.

I don't believe this is the big crime of the century which needs a punishment. Natural consequences and a don't take the piss and do it again is fine imo. Dp is now reacting like this as it's a personal problem and telling ds he is not impressed as it's not the way he would have done it and is taking away a pound out of his pocket money.

I don't want to live in a putative overly harsh and critical home. I enforce boundaries and am pretty strict. If I say no DC listen. They don't need me to be overly harsh to get them to behave.

OP posts:
Barbel · 10/09/2019 22:58

Have just read your updates. You're a fab mum and your son is so lucky to have you x

BananasAreTheSourceOfEvil · 10/09/2019 23:04

What the actual fuck?!

He's been there five minutes and is undermining you and doling out punishments- fuck that for a game of soldiers.

I'm sorry OP, it doesnt sound like he was cut out for, or is ready for, the realities of family life, for whatever reason. He decorated your house? That doesnt 'earn' him parenting rights... thats not how this works.

SandAndSea · 10/09/2019 23:07

I don't understand what he's saying. Is he saying it's not fair on him if you don't make your son do all the washing up by a certain time?

Whatever he's saying it sounds pretty unpleasant to me.

It also sounds like you've got a pretty good thing going on with your kids without him. I wouldn't risk losing that, it's far too precious.

Pumpkintopf · 10/09/2019 23:14

So glad to hear you're putting your children first op and protecting them from this dickhead. He sounds like a horrible person.

rabbitheadlights · 10/09/2019 23:20

I made the mistake of backing my DP up when he had newly moved in " to present a united front" I soon realised he was harsh, over bearing and basing his approach on his own abusive childhood. It's now a daily battle as I will not allow him to "dictate" to anyone

Sistersis · 10/09/2019 23:24

Shut your DP down. It starts off like this next thing you know he beating your kids. Talking about punishment.

However he is tight about following through with things generally.

Sistersis · 10/09/2019 23:25

Get rid of this man!

Notthebradybunch · 10/09/2019 23:39

Jesus not trying to be mean but if all I had to worry about with my teenagers was washing the dishes I'd be down on my bended knees thanking God! Get a grip OP, he sounds like a good 12yo, DP is BVU!

Monkeyplanet · 10/09/2019 23:44

My heart always sinks when I read about these blokes who have been moved in to a child's home and start on them. Why does your boyfriend think he can punish your son? He's been living with him 5 minutes and sounds like a total prick.

Couldn't have said it better myself. Your DP needs to back off.

Your son sounds lovely, polite and very responsible for his age. No whingeing about not seeing the other dishes and politely asking to do it later.

Your DP needs to know it is your DS and DD's home as well and they have a right to feel comfortable in their own home. He's been there for 2 minutes and acting like it's the crime of the century and your DS does this all the time. Smh

Exactly this.

londontaxi · 11/09/2019 00:01

DP needs to butt out. You and DS had made an agreement so I think it unfair he comes in and kicks off to DS. Don't like the term punishment for not doing dishes, what century is he living in.

CandyLeBonBon · 11/09/2019 00:04

I had one like this op. Gave him a chance, stupidly, and it got worse. He wanted to be the alpha male in the house and I ended up throwing him and his shitty attitude out. We'd been together 6 years. you don't know someone until you live with them.

Oh and I'm laughing my arse off at the pearl clutching going on about kids doing washing up!!! Mine all have chores, washing up included- how the hell are they ever going to learn otherwise?

Stephminx · 11/09/2019 00:15

Based on the OP I'd say he had no place to undermine you with respect to how you'd agreed to handle the situation with your son - it was dealt with and he had no place trying to impose additional sanctions after you settled the matter.

Based on your updates - get rid of him. I do not believe he'll stay out of your parenting choices and his "parenting" approach is fundamentally incompatible with yours. Your kids sound lovely so obviously your approach works.

Not sure why you say you need to give him money if he moves out. If his stuff was worth anything, surely he sold it ? And he'll have got back any rental deposit or proceeds of sale, so if he has not invested significant capital into your place why is he entitled to anything ? What has he lost (other than inconvenience of moving I suppose) ?

Templetonstunafish · 11/09/2019 00:19

I'm so sorry OP. Sometimes it's the small things that really show someone's true colours. He sounds almost vengeful/jealous towards your son and I feel like that's something that's only going to get worse as your son gets older & more adult. Completely unacceptable that he would even think that he gets to influence your parenting.

aweedropofsancerre · 11/09/2019 00:19

rabbitheadlights it’s now a daily battle? I thought when I was reading your post you were going to say you threw him out.... why are you continuing to let that man live in your home?

EKGEMS · 11/09/2019 00:25

Talk about going off the deep end!!

Oakandlove · 11/09/2019 00:38

What at @GlitchStitch said is so accurate. You need to to put him in his place regarding your children or get rid of him. Has he any children of his own?

Qwerty19 · 11/09/2019 00:46

I think your dp. Is a knob.
But I agree the kids should help around the house.. My ds dries up after I've washed up. Dh baths the toddler as he's been at work all day so it's his time before she goes to bed. . It works for us. Initially it was a big hoha with ds we were so u fair etc. But when he realised no pocket money if doesn't help then he soon did It. He also has to keep his room tidy and not stuff everything drawers like he used to.

Binglebong · 11/09/2019 00:50

If you do break up please reassure your DS that it wasnt his fault. He's likely to feel guilty but it wasn't his doing - it was just something that meant DP showed his true colours.

Lentilbug · 11/09/2019 00:52

He's a kid. What difference does it make when he will wash it up later anyway? It's not like he is making a habit of it.

Why is your DP punishing your son. He is totally BU.

FrogFairy · 11/09/2019 00:55

Your DP is an arse. What a massive drama over a few missed dishes that would be washed up tonight anyway.

Anyone would think your son had robbed a bank, mugged an OAP or been selling drugs on the street corner.

Sunflowers211 · 11/09/2019 00:58

Poor kid, some lazy arsed can't be bothered to bring their dinner pots through from the floor and your DS get into trouble for it?

Tell your partner to fuck off Hmm

CarolDanvers · 11/09/2019 00:58

I grew up in a house like yours. Petty moans and washing up every single night with accompanying huffs and puffs if not done just right. I feel suffocated and depressed just reading your descriptions.

JollyHolly30 · 11/09/2019 01:18

Please please please put your son first - he sounds like a lovely, responsible almost teenager - and make it absolutely clear that your boyfriend has no right to discipline or make up rules for your children in your house, regardless of how much decorating he once did! Raising your children has nothing to do with him, and you must put your foot down on this or it'll only get worse.

Also, did you not try to get a refund from Microsoft:X-box/App Store? In almost every case of this happening, they give a refund as a gesture of good will for a 'first offence'.

HUZZAH212 · 11/09/2019 02:38

He's being mean and you and the kids all know it. Nothing to do with his own upbringing as he knows just how shit it can be to have that imposed on you as a child. So it's mental he'd want another child to be berated and belittled over non issues. It sounds like bullying behaviour over a non event and he's just looking to moan about it. He's not the 2nd coming because he painted and papered a few walls two years ago.

lavenderbluedilly · 11/09/2019 03:00

Your son sounds like a lovely lad. I have a DS the same age and it would break my heart to think of him going from effectively being the man of the house, to being treated like this by a boyfriend Sad. I wouldn’t be giving your boyfriend a second chance tbh. Your DS will be grown up before you know it and you don’t want to ruin his teenage years by having this eejit living in his home and throwing his weight around.