Who is BU

[Fizzypoo]

AIBU yes is he BU no

Ds (12) washes up every night.

Last night he didn't wash the slow cooker pot and a couple of cups/ice-cream bowls that were left in the living room (pudding on the sofa later on in the evening rather than straight after dinner).

This morning I text him and said in a jokey way that I was saving the bits he missed for later. I.e natural consequences.

Ds came home from school after film club with his mate. He came in and asked if he could do the bits he missed with the rest of the dinner stuff later as he brought his friend home. I said yes. In my mind there's not a lot of difference and he will still have the same amount to do taking the same amount of time.

Dp (been together a few years, he's only been living with us for four months) has come home from work on his turn to cook dinner and is not happy. Dp is annoyed that DS is playing playstation in his room with his mate and hasn't washed up yet. I said I didn't really think it mattered as he will still have the same amount to do. Dp is now annoyed that ds hasn't been punished (his words) and felt that him washing up twice was the punishment and is unhappy that I haven't enforced it.

I don't believe this is the big crime of the century which needs a punishment. Natural consequences and a don't take the piss and do it again is fine imo. Dp is now reacting like this as it's a personal problem and telling ds he is not impressed as it's not the way he would have done it and is taking away a pound out of his pocket money.

I don't want to live in a putative overly harsh and critical home. I enforce boundaries and am pretty strict. If I say no DC listen. They don't need me to be overly harsh to get them to behave.

Dp is now annoyed that ds hasn't been punished (his words) and felt that him washing up twice was the punishment and is unhappy that I haven't enforced it.

DP needs a swift heads up.

DS didn't need a punishment.
Your house, your son, your rules.
DP either backs you up, or shuts up.
He's been living with you for 4 months, & he's already acting the Victorian Dad.

Who does he think he is, issuing an unrequired punishment decree & then sulking, "unhappy" that you have not carried out his Supreme Wishes?

Dp is now ranting about how I create and change the rules when I want to and it's not fair because he redecorated our house a year ago.

Ah, the "mercenary favour".
So he does some decorating, & now you need to tell your son that the mutual agreement you made over the extra pots is worthless, because Partner is having a petty sulk over not being able to throw his weight around?

He's now getting angry about money he has spent and has told DC that he won't buy them anything again. I am staying calm as if I argue back it will go on and on and on.

Bloody hell. Sounds such a keeper.
What was he trying to sell you about YOUR arbitrary rules again?

I do feel guilty
What on earth for?
Parenting your nice, responsible, respectful son properly?
Or for not instantly complying with Mr Angry?

He's not always a dickhead, it may be his true colours are coming out now, but he was raised by a very strict alcoholic mother and step dad. Punitive harsh actual beatings

"Not always a dickhead"???????
Lookit, I was raised by a violent psycho who drew blood from me every night for years.
It hasn't made me behave unreasonably & punitively to children.
Quite the reverse - I make sure to act respectfully & kindly, because I know what the alternative feels like.

i wouldn have done the bowls either as people had left them at their arse in the living room and not by the sink. surely not his responsibility to go around looking for dishes.

Apparently it's not fair that I choose when to enforce things and when I don't.

Dickhead doesn't know how parenting works.
He doesn't know how relationships work either:
I've just tried to speak to him and he's deflected what I'm saying, raised his voice and went on about my ds running rings around me.
& refuses to accept his part in any of this.

Agree with @GlitchStitch my heart sinks too.

OP there's nothing wrong with him doing the dishes every night. My sister and I did this too. It's heartening to read that you do this, it sounds like you don't need any advice or intervention from your DP on how to teach then manners & responsibility.

My heart has sank reading this.

Your 12 year old lad sounds like a nice lad.

Poor children have this shouting, bullying prick moved into THEIR home by the their mother.

You are at a major crossroads OP.

Who you prioritise going forward, will never be forgotten by your children.

I would have him packed and gone.
I would not allow any man come in to my house and destroy my children's childhood with his jealous, bullying rage.

Put your children first.

Get him out. Now.

He's now getting angry about money he has spent and has told DC that he won't buy them anything again. I am staying calm as if I argue back it will go on and on and on.

Wow, you can’t have a discussion and argue your own point of view? So he’s a bully to you as well as your kids then?

I might give him one chance on the understanding he stays completely out of it,

He won’t. DM had a partner like him. Horrible man.

it feels pretty shitty to kick him out with nothing when he gave up his stuff to move in with us

It’s more shit that he treats your kids badly.

I think your issue now will be, do you feel comfortable leaving your son alone in the house with him? You can give him another chance as it is your life BUT due to his own traumatic experience and beliefs regarding raising a child I don't think it will be good for your son in any way if you let him stay. He is looking to assert authority which seems a bit much after 4 months in your home over a few dishes!

Your son does not need punishment FFS. Your boyfriend should be ashamed of himself. Get rid of him.

In the house 4 months and he thinks he can overrule your decisions regarding your son? no no no

DP sounds like a dick, ditch him before this gets worse.

GlitchStitch Tue 10-Sep-19 18:58:45
My heart always sinks when I read about these blokes who have been moved in to a child's home and start on them. Why does your boyfriend think he can punish your son? He's been living with him 5 minutes and sounds like a total prick.

This.

Who the fuck doles out punishments for missing a few bits of washing up .

It's not your DP's place to be disciplining your children. He needs o learn that sharp.

Fizzypoo Tue 10-Sep-19 19:46:14
Dp is now ranting about how I create and change the rules when I want to and it's not fair because he redecorated our house a year ago. He's now getting angry about money he has spent and has told DC that he won't buy them anything again. I am staying calm as if I argue back it will go on and on and on.

You need to leave him.

I am not having my DC living with someone like this. I'm actually really upset that its come to this. I thought I had found a lovely partner.

Please stick to this.

I agree with everyone else Op - your DS sounds lovely whereas your DP sounds like a mean bully.

Please put your DCs first Op and stop this man before he does real damage (I don't necessarily mean physical but more psychological damage, although wouldn't be convinced that him becoming physical could be ruled out given his behaviour over a few dishes).

Mlou32 Tue 10-Sep-19 21:57:18
DP sounds like a right grumpy old tyrant..

He sounds like an abusive arsehole. Anyone that whines about shit not being fair regarding a child isn't worth having around imo.

Firstly making him do the dishes every night is mean

ROFL - poor slave of a child who has just had to (horror of horrors) do a bit of washing up.

YANBU, your DP is overstepping his boundaries big time.
Even if he disagreed and was right, you have already sorted it with ds and therefore it is done, finished with. If DP doesn't agree, you and him speak afterwards.

whoops sorry, I missed the updates.

Your ds sounded nice, normal - that little - OK if I do it with the other dishes later - sums up his decent attitude, and your agreeing sums up your normal, flexible and co-operative way if working with a teen.
Your DP is throwing his weight around like a spoilt child.

I would wait until it has all calmed down, and them tell him he needs to leave for 48 hours. After that you can sit and talk, and see if there is a way forward. He needs to know how much he has overstepped here.

Op how is everything today?

Hi op. I hope you're OK, and that you've made the decision to get rid of your 'd'p. Your ds sounds lovely, and the relationship you have is worth more than that with any partner. Stay strong, you've done the right thing.

DP is being ridiculous. It would waste more water and w.u.liquid to wash those items separately.

Also I think if pudding is had later on the sofa, I wouldn't include that as part of his washing up responsibilities.

So p apologised properly yesterday. He said he was absolutely wrong, he would hate to make ds feel like how he felt with an overbearing step-dad and he will back off completely and not get involved in telling the DC what to do or how to do it.

He is sorry for undermining me and creating an argument. He says that this won't happen again.

I'm still not sure if I want to continue this relationship. I feel like once someones crossed a line it's easier to cross again. It's quite easy to sprout apologies when you believe you're about to be homeless. I'm a bit stuck if I'm honest. I've invested a lot of time and love into him, we usually have a great relationship. The things he threw in my face about money and bringing the DC into the arguement makes me feel that I don't want anything from him and I don't want him in my home anymore. I'm almost feeling invaded and he can get fucked.

My friends are telling me to think about it over a couple of weeks instead of a knee jerk chuck his clothes out reaction which is what I wanted to do yesterday.

To be honest I think that is sensible. You may have others come and say "chuck him out and no second chances" but I think you need to think and see if this issue does raise its head again. If not great, everyone makes mistakes. And if anything does happen again you know for certain what the right thing to do is.

I sometimes get cross with my kids and let it turn into a rant. Usually over something minor and always my mistake to get it out of proportion. And sometimes it triggers that awful catastrophising reaction that I've worked so hard against. It's bad but it happens and the key thing is to apologise, explicitly but cautiously to the kids if it affected them. Cautiously, because you really have to make sure you don't give the impression they are responsible for your mental state but also that they have responsibilities that do affect your mental state. To me, reading his rant made me think of myself and I hope I'm being forgiven when I get irrational like that. Honestly, I think I'm not bad news, but it's clearly something I have to keep working on, and do. Has he apologised to the kids?

Has he apologised to DS for shouting about him in his home?

Thanks @avocadoincident

I'm going to have a chat with him tonight or tomorrow and explain very clearly what he's allowed to be involved in and what he's not. I don't think he shouldn't be able to say stop jumping on the sofas (example DC are to old to jump on the sofas) or bring back my charger wire ect but actual telling offs for things is different iyswim. He also doesn't need to be involved in deciding if my DC 'need a punishment' or what that would be. I'm not living in a military camp and I'm not about to start either.