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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Who is BU

193 replies

Fizzypoo · 10/09/2019 18:52

AIBU yes is he BU no

Ds (12) washes up every night.

Last night he didn't wash the slow cooker pot and a couple of cups/ice-cream bowls that were left in the living room (pudding on the sofa later on in the evening rather than straight after dinner).

This morning I text him and said in a jokey way that I was saving the bits he missed for later. I.e natural consequences.

Ds came home from school after film club with his mate. He came in and asked if he could do the bits he missed with the rest of the dinner stuff later as he brought his friend home. I said yes. In my mind there's not a lot of difference and he will still have the same amount to do taking the same amount of time.

Dp (been together a few years, he's only been living with us for four months) has come home from work on his turn to cook dinner and is not happy. Dp is annoyed that DS is playing playstation in his room with his mate and hasn't washed up yet. I said I didn't really think it mattered as he will still have the same amount to do. Dp is now annoyed that ds hasn't been punished (his words) and felt that him washing up twice was the punishment and is unhappy that I haven't enforced it.

I don't believe this is the big crime of the century which needs a punishment. Natural consequences and a don't take the piss and do it again is fine imo. Dp is now reacting like this as it's a personal problem and telling ds he is not impressed as it's not the way he would have done it and is taking away a pound out of his pocket money.

I don't want to live in a putative overly harsh and critical home. I enforce boundaries and am pretty strict. If I say no DC listen. They don't need me to be overly harsh to get them to behave.

OP posts:

Ravingstarfish · 10/09/2019 19:11

Jeez all you’re bothered about is the washing up, don’t you care how ‘d’p is treating your child?! Get a grip woman

Aquamarine1029 · 10/09/2019 19:13

Firstly making him do the dishes every night is mean.

Only on mn is it practically a war crime to teach children life skills and responsibility by having them do an age-appropriate task. For fuck's sake.

atinoftartanpaint · 10/09/2019 19:14

Your son sounds lovely natured and polite to ask if he could wash them after his friend has gone.

Your partner sounds over the top, not like it's adding to his washing up pile since it's your son who does the washing up anyway.

However, instead of leaving the dishes and slow cooker for your son to do when you saw them this morning, could you not of just washed them yourself? Wouldn't of taken

BloodyhellMartha · 10/09/2019 19:14

I think the key to this is that DS asked you if it was ok to leave the slow cooker/pots to do with tonight's washing up and you agreed.

It's utterly wrong for anyone (particularly newly installed DP) to then come in and over ride this and punish him. He asked and was given permission to do the job later. Bloody unfair to get pocket money then docked.

DP is BU - and needs to have some boundaries set as to what 'parenting' he is allowed to do with your children.

atinoftartanpaint · 10/09/2019 19:15

Long, you just sound as picky and annoying as your partner!

Presuming this is a one off and doesn't happen every night!

Neveam · 10/09/2019 19:17

If he washes up every night and has a friend round... I'd get over it. No he doesn't need a punishment because I don't think he's done anything wrong, he's already said he'd do it.

And I think dp needs to give him his money back. Way OTT. 😂

ChaosisntapitChaosisaladder19 · 10/09/2019 19:18

Aquamarine1029

Firstly making him do the dishes every night is mean.

Only on mn is it practically a war crime to teach children life skills and responsibility by having them do an age-appropriate task. For fuck's sake.

I second this my DS 11 and does the pots every night it's his one job. Surely the point it to teach life skills and responsibilities and appreciate the fact that everyone in the family helps. Funny thing is how many threads do you see woman complaining about their partners not pulling their weight because its womens works.

PechaKucha · 10/09/2019 19:20

So effectively, your boyfriend stole money from your child?

Croquembou · 10/09/2019 19:20

He's being completely unreasonable. How is this a 'punishable' event? Missing washing up in other rooms is so easily down and the slow-cooker sounds a ballache, I'd probably put it off too. But most importantly, he spoke to you, and you made an agreement.

Original poster

Fizzypoo · 10/09/2019 19:21

I'm not going to let him bully my DS. P can fuck right off.

OP posts:

littlepaddypaws · 10/09/2019 19:21

no they aren't servants, dc can do chores and why not but your dp has only been living under your roof a few months and seems to acting a bit over bearing with regards to your ds and the washing up.

ChicCroissant · 10/09/2019 19:24

How long did you know this man before you moved him in, OP?

Travis1 · 10/09/2019 19:25

Why was it even a debate? Your son asked, you made a decision. Your partner should’ve respected that. Why does he feel he can overule you? Your DS certainly shouldn’t be losing any of his pocket money over this.

This is a moment that will be defining for your relationship with both your partner and your son. You need to make your boundaries and sons boundaries clear to your partner.

regmover · 10/09/2019 19:25

Give that bloody pound back and tell your "D" P that he is not to decide to impost punishments again. He hasn't been there anywhere near long enough to take the dad role. And he must never, ever, go against a decision you have already made.
Not a good start to him living there is it?

user1497787065 · 10/09/2019 19:25

So you have cleared breakfast and lunch dishes and have left those from last night? Why would you not do those too?

PechaKucha · 10/09/2019 19:28

Okay, I'd like to take back the tone of my last post because it was a knee jerk reaction assuming that you would be one of the many posters who put their new partners ahead of their children.

I sometimes leave dishes that I can't be bothered doing til the next day, and then moan because there's more now! Natural consequences, like you say

Bitchfeatures · 10/09/2019 19:28

Yanbu, like you said, he still has the same amount of pots to do, so why does it matter when he does them.
Don't let your OH dictate to you how to bring up your children. He's lived with you for 4 months, he has no right putting his foot down like he's trying to.

Ellisandra · 10/09/2019 19:29

Absolutely right to say your boyfriend can fuck off!

He’s completely in the wrong - your son is not a repeat offender, wasn’t rude, checked you were happy with his suggestion. What a great young man you’re raising!

But even if you had made a mistake, it is not your boyfriend’s role to undermine you and enforce a punishment!!! I don’t say this lightly - I’d be telling him to move right back out again.

Sure, he can have an opinion. My second husband of 3 years has never disciplined my child. Maybe twice in 3 years has he commented - later, behind closed doors - that he would have approached it differently. Knowing that I’m open to ideas as his kids are grown so he has experience.

It just isn’t his place to set the rules. But it’s actually enforcing his punishment that would push me over the edge here - how dare he?!!

avocadoincident · 10/09/2019 19:29

I think you and your partner need a long chat about boundaries and parenting.
Does he have children of his own?

This sounds like an over reaction to just this incident and I bet if you talk to him, more will come out about what he thinks of your children and their behaviour.

Better to air it all out sooner rather than later and then you can decide where you stand.

Btw: I think it's totally normal and positive and healthy that children do the dishes

Shinysun · 10/09/2019 19:33

*atinoftartanpaint

Your son sounds lovely natured and polite to ask if he could wash them after his friend has gone.

Your partner sounds over the top, not like it's adding to his washing up pile since it's your son who does the washing up anyway.

However, instead of leaving the dishes and slow cooker for your son to do when you saw them this morning, could you not of just washed them yourself? Wouldn't of taken

This!!!!!!!!

Did you do the morning pots and leave the rest from last night? Give the boy a night off. Tell your partner to do them!

Shinysun · 10/09/2019 19:35

Ps I'm not opposed to kids helping in the house but the way they've been left there for him, him asking permission to do them later and your partner being an arse is quite sad.

pooboobsleeprepeat · 10/09/2019 19:35

Dp is a dick. It’s the start of a new school year too. He needs to give the kid a break!

CrazyToast · 10/09/2019 19:36

As an aside I think it is great you have your kids doing the dishes--even if it wasn't for money. Teaches them about helping, responsibility, contributing to the family, looking after the house, etc. Nice one.

Dontfuckingsaycheese · 10/09/2019 19:36

Your ds does sound lovely - for taking on the job of washing-up and acting responsible about it - asking if he could do the left-over bits later. Asking. Not telling. Not not just doing. Sorry. Your partner sounds like a cock. Don't let him ruin what you have with your son.

MamaGee09 · 10/09/2019 19:37

I personally would never have never have left dishes overnight. If one of mine misses some dishes then I’ll do them before I go to bed, so there were mistakes in all your parts however your dp is overreacting,

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