Who is BU

[Fizzypoo]

AIBU yes is he BU no

Ds (12) washes up every night.

Last night he didn't wash the slow cooker pot and a couple of cups/ice-cream bowls that were left in the living room (pudding on the sofa later on in the evening rather than straight after dinner).

This morning I text him and said in a jokey way that I was saving the bits he missed for later. I.e natural consequences.

Ds came home from school after film club with his mate. He came in and asked if he could do the bits he missed with the rest of the dinner stuff later as he brought his friend home. I said yes. In my mind there's not a lot of difference and he will still have the same amount to do taking the same amount of time.

Dp (been together a few years, he's only been living with us for four months) has come home from work on his turn to cook dinner and is not happy. Dp is annoyed that DS is playing playstation in his room with his mate and hasn't washed up yet. I said I didn't really think it mattered as he will still have the same amount to do. Dp is now annoyed that ds hasn't been punished (his words) and felt that him washing up twice was the punishment and is unhappy that I haven't enforced it.

I don't believe this is the big crime of the century which needs a punishment. Natural consequences and a don't take the piss and do it again is fine imo. Dp is now reacting like this as it's a personal problem and telling ds he is not impressed as it's not the way he would have done it and is taking away a pound out of his pocket money.

I don't want to live in a putative overly harsh and critical home. I enforce boundaries and am pretty strict. If I say no DC listen. They don't need me to be overly harsh to get them to behave.

I think your partner is wrong in thinking your DS needed a punishment for not doing those dishes - especially as you had agreed that he could do them later with the dinner dishes. He’s overriding your agreement with your son in a very ‘kneejerk’ way - that’s not on.
Your follow up post about him ranting about unrelated perceived rule changes and unfairness is even worse. You can’t rationalise with unrational.
I think your relationship with your DC sounds very healthy and I really admire that you are instantly (and naturally) in their corner.
I think you probably have some difficult conversations ahead, but you’ll do right by your DC x

So pretty much your partners come home in a bad mood and taking it out on your DC. Because I see no reasonable explanation for how he is acting, who cares about the odd missed washing up.

Tell your P to pipe the fuck down and give the young kid his pound back, Bully boy.

Ds sounds really well mannered and thoughtful, him asking if it was OK to wash up later as he had a guest really stuck out to me as mature and respectful for a boy of 12.

This shows that you've raised him really brilliantly so far and your DP doesn't have a leg to stand on.

He has moved in with you so he should be adapting to the way you conduct things in your home with your own children, especially at the age they are at. He can't move in all of a sudden and muscle in on your kids' discipline, especially when DS had already sought and acquired permission from you.

I think P should back the heck off! You are doing fab.

I can understand that you would feel guilty about kicking him out OP, but look at it another way.
How guilty will you feel if your partner's rant becomes a slap?
Or when he goes into full Victorian dad mode and your son ends up hating you both and leaving home as soon as he can?
What happens when he goes all Victorian dad on your DD?
So far it's started with a rant and financial punishment after just 4 months.....what's the punishment going to be at a later date?
You know how a man starts his DV with shouting, then it's a slap, then it's a full on kicking.
I'm not saying your partner is like that, but you've been with him for all that time before he moved in and apparently never showed that side of himself, yet in just 4 months he's acting like that.
Think about it very carefully OP.

DP is being really unfair over this! No matter what, you're the mother and if you believe DS will, leave him to it. If he hasn't by the next day, sure tell him off. It's odd how many people are getting annoyed over the dishes thing. My son is learning to do laundry and we always do dinner together. No pocket money yet, he likes doing chores! :)

Hi op.

I would tread very carefully here.
A relative of mine met a man who seemed great. They were together a few years before he moved in. Almost over night he tried to lay down the law with her son. He over rode decisions made by her and subtly interfered with her decisions.
It all came to a head one night when he became aggressive with her son over a non issue.
The police were called and he spent the night in a prison cell.
He tried his absolute best to down play what he had done.
Luckily she kicked him out.
He appeared to be completely normal before he moved in with her.
Don't let your partner come between you and your son.
Your dp was totally out of order, it is not his business to override your parenting devisions.

There’s currently another thread where a poster is giving away “free fuck offs for all” get one off her and give it to DP.

On a serious note you know your DP is totally out of order. He has undermined you and your DS. I would question whether I could trust his judgement in relation to my child if he behaved like this 4 months in.

DP needs to back right off and stop issuing sanctions, warnings and threatening punishments. None of that is his area of responsibility. DS is 12 already and you'll have old elephant vs young elephant scenarios before you know it. This needs to be nipped in the bud, I think.

Someone needs to ask DP who he thinks he is (nicely, if this is the first time) and it's better if it's you, not DS. Not in front of the children, of course. And DP should never try to issue sanctions of your arrangements without clearing it with you first! I had to stop DH managing conflicts with teenagers by unilaterally threatening that I wouldn't drive them somewhere I'd already agreed to, and he is their father!

Is this your family home he's moved into or have you set up a new home together, can I ask? He risks your children perceiving him as a bossy intruder. If it's your home, his behaviour is akin to a tomcat scent-marking new territory.

What was relationship with DC like before he moved in?

I might give him one chance

You've given him a chance, this was it. You'd be given him a second chance. As Maya Angelou said, when someone shows you want they are, believe them. The first time.

He moved into my home.

I've just tried to speak to him and he's deflected what I'm saying, raised his voice and went on about my ds running rings around me. Apparently it's not fair that I choose when to enforce things and when I don't. I can't rationalise with irrational, thanks for the quote I'm keeping it.

My ds is lovely. Yes he misbehaves sometimes but it's normal twelve year misbehaving. I do believe that harsh critical parenting is just as bad as soft not being able to say no parenting. I'm not changing the way I parent so p can fuck off.

DP needs to learn the concept if picking his battles.
The job gets done. Your DS asked you if it was ok. What is not OK is him trying to undermine you.
Tell him to wind his neck in. Taking away pocket money for this is a massive over reaction

Apparently it's not fair that I choose when to enforce things and when I don't.

Was he looking forward to, or enjoying the idea of, your son being punished, in the manner that young kids can enjoy their sibling being punished, and he's lashing out because you've denied him it?

So he’s losing his shit over a couple of pots being washed up?

If this is how he is behaving after 4 months Op you have to wonder what this progresses to in the future. Taking his shit out on your kids when he comes home in a bad mood already.

Pick your battles comes to mind!

Parenting teens is hard and I get where your DP is coming from in terms of setting boundaries and carrying through on punishments. HOWEVER his reaction to something as small as that is the surest possible way to end up with a surly unhelpful teenager constantly on the defence.

Some things just need to be let go. He is still going to be washing up and I agree natural consequences with the day old slow cooker pot!

OP your son sounds lovely and you have obviously done a sterling job raising him . Please don't allow P to damage your family. It's tough because you have invested 5 years in the relationship but giving further 'chances' may only end up delaying the inevitable and causing harm along the way. I feel so bad for you but at the end of the day you will do what is right for your DS.

Makes me feel very sad when I read about new partners moving in and trying to rule the roost.
They're only children once, please don't lose your child/ start a resentful relationship because I promise it isn't fair on anyone.

@Tenness that's exactly what it feels like now you've said that.

It's childish and jealous behaviour.

And yeah it's pretty shit that there's been a fair few years invested. I can't live like this though.

Sorry if this has already been said but I feel like he's been waiting for an excuse to assert his authority over the house, and he's using this minor event as his opportunity. This isn't going to be the only incident. This is just the beginning.

DP sounds like a right grumpy old tyrant..

I don't understand your voting system but I do understand that you need to get this man out your house. This is only going to get worse and you need to protect your kids. They will be feeling scared at what is happening.

This man is a nasty bully. Get him out. Before you end up losing your kids because you were that woman who put a man above them and let him mistreat them.

No second chances. Tell him now.

Please don't "give him a chance". Chuck him out now. He's been playing nice, now he's under your roof he's done a big fuck off test of your boundaries - you've pushed back and now so is he, he's working out how much you'll wear, then he'll back down, then build up, then escalate. Like a boiling frog, your frame of reference for a acceptable behaviour will slide further and further away from what you want it to be.

He's damaged and a bully. Unfortunate for him, but better he has to buy a few new sticks of furniture ( I assume he works and gets paid?) than your kids have to spend any more time bring browbeaten and wondering why mum isn't protecting them.

Be brave enough to admit right now you made a mistake getting involved with this man and put it right.

I assume your kids could hear him ranting about them in their own home too?

He sounds like a prize... a prize twat that is

I think the fact he came to you and asked if he could do it later shows he respects you and was intending to do the dishes, I think your DP is trying to assert his authority over the household. If he continues like this your son will resent him.

How dare he act like this! It needs nipped in the bud NOW! Your son sounds fantastic. Do NOT let your new boyfriend ruin this by being negative, punitive and harsh.
He's completely disrespected and over ruled you. You and your son had an agreement. A fair agreement.
Why are you letting your boyfriend undo that and be a prat to your son?

Dp is now ranting about how I create and change the rules when I want to and it's not fair because he redecorated our house a year ago.

Why is he bringing up redecorating?

I think you need to ask him to move out, I think he's starting to show his true colours. Really sorry OP