Who is BU

[Fizzypoo]

AIBU yes is he BU no

Ds (12) washes up every night.

Last night he didn't wash the slow cooker pot and a couple of cups/ice-cream bowls that were left in the living room (pudding on the sofa later on in the evening rather than straight after dinner).

This morning I text him and said in a jokey way that I was saving the bits he missed for later. I.e natural consequences.

Ds came home from school after film club with his mate. He came in and asked if he could do the bits he missed with the rest of the dinner stuff later as he brought his friend home. I said yes. In my mind there's not a lot of difference and he will still have the same amount to do taking the same amount of time.

Dp (been together a few years, he's only been living with us for four months) has come home from work on his turn to cook dinner and is not happy. Dp is annoyed that DS is playing playstation in his room with his mate and hasn't washed up yet. I said I didn't really think it mattered as he will still have the same amount to do. Dp is now annoyed that ds hasn't been punished (his words) and felt that him washing up twice was the punishment and is unhappy that I haven't enforced it.

I don't believe this is the big crime of the century which needs a punishment. Natural consequences and a don't take the piss and do it again is fine imo. Dp is now reacting like this as it's a personal problem and telling ds he is not impressed as it's not the way he would have done it and is taking away a pound out of his pocket money.

I don't want to live in a putative overly harsh and critical home. I enforce boundaries and am pretty strict. If I say no DC listen. They don't need me to be overly harsh to get them to behave.

My ds is 16 and I can't get him to do anything. I'm getting a dishwasher soon ;-)

Your boyfriend who's lived in your childs' home for all of five minutes is a colossal prick.

Please give your son an extra quid on his pocket money for not telling this guy to fuck off.

So long as it WILL get done, what's the issue? My teen misses things out on purpose that he thinks will be difficult to wash, but genuinely missing a couple of things by mistake isn't an issue.

This takes me back to my own teenage years, when my mum would come home from work and moan about me not washing my breakfast dishes. A plate, a knife and a mug. Hardly life changing, and I did the washing up after dinner every night anyway, so would do it. What's the point in wasting water and time on a couple of items that could wait? She only got home at 6 so there was only about an hour before they got washed!

I'd give DS a fiver to tell him to fuck off!

There was no morning pots bar 2 coffee cups!

DC eat breakfast at school, I eat breakfast at work. I've been working all day.

I've known dp for 5 years ish. DC knew him for two years before he moved in. I am not a feckless mother.

Dp is now ranting about how I create and change the rules when I want to and it's not fair because he redecorated our house a year ago. He's now getting angry about money he has spent and has told DC that he won't buy them anything again. I am staying calm as if I argue back it will go on and on and on.

It's his reaction that will have me kicking him out more than anything. I am not having my DC living with someone like this. I'm actually really upset that its come to this. I thought I had found a lovely partner.

I would be telling DP where to get off. No way would he have punished my kids without having those pots bounced off his head.

Each with pretty much everyone. Your partner hadn't earned the right to take the role of step parent, he's only been living in (presumably) your house (- do you own it?) for a matter of months.

I would make it very clear to dp that you set the rules for your kids and you enforce them, and to stay out of it, and that him moving into your family unit will only work if he does this.

See how it goes but I'd be fully prepared to move him out again if he starts bullying your kids or acting in a petty, punitive way.

Your boyfriend is absolutely fucking vile.

My heart always sinks when I read about these blokes who have been moved in to a child's home and start on them. Why does your boyfriend think he can punish your son? He's been living with him 5 minutes and sounds like a total prick.

I totally agree with this but OP appears to be seeing this man for what he is now......

Hopefully she will be putting her DS rather than her horrible partner first.

Did he move in to your home?

I'd be telling him in no uncertain terms to stop flexing his muscles over a few dishes and to chill the fuck out and to keep his beady eyes off the pocket money, he's only a blow in and he can blow back out just as easily.

Wow I wouldn’t have him speaking to my kids like that or even in ear shot!

Te lhim to not bother buying anything further and to save his money for his own place that hes going to be finding.

Only 4 months into living together and he’s acting like this. If you let him get away with it this time he will Think it’s okay to treat your kids this way.

He must have been getting irritated with your kids over a period of time for him to lose his temper over the washing up.

Your partner needs to back off.
He is being totally unreasonable.
Hes overstepping boundaries and has no right to think he can move in with you for a very short time and think he can parent your son different to how you want.
Dont put up with it op.
Your son sounds like a good kid.

Your partner sounds horrible

OP he sounds like he's really inexperienced at parenting (that's not excusing his behaviour) what he sees as changing the rules we all see as being flexible and responsive.

He doesn't love your children he's been tolerating them yet it's easy to see he resents them or at least the money and time spent on doing the house up for their benefit.

Maybe being a step parent isn't what he thought it would be and it's time for that chat.

Your kids, your rules. Your house, your rules. What the fuck is he doing?!

He’s arguing it’s unfair because he redecorated the house?! I don’t even get the slightest bit of logic behind that argument!

You and your son sound lovely, your partner not so much. Good luck OP.

OP I am reading your posts and alarm bells are ringing. Please have long hard think. Is this the home life you would be conformable with for you and your DC? You sound as if you already know what you need to do. Gook luck

Your boyfriend is undermining you
If he disagrees he should have told you privately
Of course son should play with his friend and do dishes later

Why was it even a debate? Your son asked, you made a decision. Your partner should’ve respected that. Why does he feel he can overule you? Your DS certainly shouldn’t be losing any of his pocket money over this.

This is a moment that will be defining for your relationship with both your partner and your son. You need to make your boundaries and sons boundaries clear to your partner.
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^ Exactly this

I was going to say I think it's really tricky. Yes they are your children but if he's moved in he can't just be silent and you have to work out how to parent together and be on the same page.

However, based on your updates it seems like he isn't very nice and living together has shown this. I think this would have happened if he moved in and you didn't have children.

Sorry OP, I know it's been 5 years but I think you know already it's not going to work.

It sounds as if you are asking him to leave. From this tiny snippet it seems like the right decision, obviously we don't see more so if I'm off the mark I apologise. .

Best of luck Op.

I'm sorry your partner has reacted in such a horrible way and is putting you in the middle of him and your son, I know your child always comes first but it's still a horrible place to be as they make you feel guilty for wanting what's best for your son. I have been in a similar situation and again it was over something so small and stupid.
By the way... Can I borrow your children to show mine how to wash and dry??? 🤣 🤣 🤣 ❤️❤️❤️

I think this is his true colours coming out here. I don't think your DS should even wash up stuff used a while after dinner. He does dinner washing up and if people have stuff later, either they do it or it is left till next time washing up is done.

It sounds like your partner wants things done his way given his ranting about rules and I also think it is not really okay to undermine you the way he has.

If he is this angry over a bit of washing up what will he be like when something really bad happens.

Thanks @Sparklypurpleunicornsaremyfav I do feel guilty but I know my mother guilt will be far worse. He's not always a dickhead, it may be his true colours are coming out now, but he was raised by a very strict alcoholic mother and step dad. Punitive harsh actual beatings. He understood before he moved in that his norm wasn't my norm and I wasn't going to impose his views (or learnt behaviour) on my DC. This is something that is obviously unfortunately beyond him. I wont have my DC grow up thinking his way is normal.

I might give him one chance on the understanding he stays completely out of it, but I'm not sure how that will work out in reality. He may not be able to bite his tongue when the DC don't jump if they've been told to ect. He's taken himself off to the living room for the night and I'm going to have a think about it all. Ideally I'd like to give him some money as when he moved in he didn't bring a lot with him as I already had sofas, beds ect and it feels pretty shitty to kick him out with nothing when he gave up his stuff to move in with us.