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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP wants to buy his ex a car

166 replies

littletikes27 · 10/09/2019 11:17

Might be long as don't want to drip feed!

Been with my DP for 4 years, he has two DC with Ex and we have a DD together, had nothing but trouble for Ex over the years although she has also been in a long term relationship and has another DC of her own.

We have his DC 3 nights one week and 4 nights the next so completely shared custody. We (me aswell) pay for everything, school uniforms, trips, clothes as they're with us all weekend, trainers for both ours and their moms, holidays, literally everything but their mom still wants maintenance. Even though it's shared custody he still pays maintenance every week as she cuts contact if it's not paid.

Her and her DP have now split and she used to drive his car so she now has no car. I have been picking the kids up from school every day and dropping them home on the days they are at their moms as DP was giving her extra money for taxis, now were not well off by any means and I get no financial support from DP for our DD. We split the bills 50/50 but I support her on my own.

I am selling my old car and now DP and his Ex have apparently came to an arrangement where he wants to buy it off me for her and she won't have maintenance for X amount of months.

AIBU to say fuck right off?

OP posts:
Malibucyprus · 10/09/2019 11:22

I’d be telling them to kiss my arse, but I’m sure that’d be frowned up on.

YippeeKayakOtherBuckets · 10/09/2019 11:24

I do t really see a problem. He’s not buying it for her, he’s giving her an advance on the maintenance.

Original poster
littletikes27 · 10/09/2019 11:25

@YippeeKayakOtherBuckets he doesn't even need to pay maintenance anyway he only pays it because she won't let him see the kids otherwise.

OP posts:
PinkCrayon · 10/09/2019 11:26

Why doesnt he financially support your dd together?

audreylivesagain · 10/09/2019 11:26

Why is he giving her maintenance if it's 50/50? Let her go to cms and get a court order in place is she withdraws contact. Why is he such a doormat with her?

Nicknacky · 10/09/2019 11:26

What’s your objection? Do you really care who is driving it?

Whattodowith · 10/09/2019 11:27

I don’t see an issue with it per se, he’s not going to pay maintenance as a result. I think he sounds like a pretty good Dad tbh, you should be proud of that.

KurriKurri · 10/09/2019 11:28

Sounds as if your gripe really is with him paying maintenance even though it is shared custody - otherwise she is simply swapping x number of months maintenance for a second hand car.

The car is a red herring - it's the maintenance that needs sorting out. If you are happy for him to continue paying maintenance, I'm not sure why you have a problem with him swapping that for a car. Surely it makes no difference what form his maintenance payments come in - car or money.

WonkoTheSane42 · 10/09/2019 11:30

I do t really see a problem. He’s not buying it for her, he’s giving her an advance on the maintenance.

The problem is that they have 50/50 custody and he shouldn’t be paying her maintenance at all.

Ember12 · 10/09/2019 11:30

I dont see the issue. She needs a car to pick the DC up seems a fair deal to me also saves you picking the DC up every day

Original poster
littletikes27 · 10/09/2019 11:30

My problem is him buying the car off me. I will never be paid for it as he wants to pay me weekly like he does with the CM.

OP posts:
ColaFreezePop · 10/09/2019 11:32

Say "No"

I was advised years ago never to sell a car you own to someone you known because when it develops faults - which second hand cars do - then you will get a load of shit.

If you wanted to give it free then that's fine, but as you are selling it as you need the money then it's a "No".

In regards to the child maintenance your DP is a mug. More so if at least one of the kids is over 8.

Boysmomma · 10/09/2019 11:32

It's up to you, but I would make her sign a contract. That she pays x amount each month, if she doesn't pay then the amount owed will be deducted form any maintenance.

I'd also go to court and get maintenance and access tied down.

ColaFreezePop · 10/09/2019 11:33

OP as you need the money in one lump sum then that's an additional reason to say "No".

Original poster
littletikes27 · 10/09/2019 11:33

Eldest DC is 7. He said no to CM at first as it's shared custody and we pay for everything. She blackmailed him with not seeing the kids unless she gets £30 a week

OP posts:
lilypips · 10/09/2019 11:35

My problem is him buying the car off me. I will never be paid for it as he wants to pay me weekly like he does with the CM.

Yet you never mentioned it at all in the OP and just waffled on about your DP, his ex and their DC!

YANBU with the above, no.

What you actually told us in the OP, which was nothing about what is actually wrong? YABU

Confused

Did you not think actually saying what your problem is was important Hmm

baubled · 10/09/2019 11:35

@littletikes27 I would say yes if it's one full payment and don't hand over anything over until you have it but no for weekly payments, that's ridiculous! As if you would see that money!

Travis1 · 10/09/2019 11:35

Say no, and start looking for a place for you and your daughter to live. Seems like your daughter will actually get more from her father if you aren't together

BananasAreTheSourceOfEvil · 10/09/2019 11:36

It’s not unusual in a split for one party (usually the dad) to be told to provide a family vehicle. It’s for the kids, not for her.

I can see that it might be annoying but this is an advance on maintenance. It is of course your car though and you've every right to say no.

If she threatens to cut contact if there’s no maintenance I assume contact is not court ordered? I’d also take with a pinch of salt that he doesn’t want to pay maintenance- if that were the case surely he’d just go to court and get everything set out legally and not have to pay maintenance.

I think it’s nice he wants to support his kids, I’d be more pissed of about him not supporting his other child equally. That would be my problem, not the maintenance or car.

AryaStarkWolf · 10/09/2019 11:36

How can she threaten not to send them if they have shared custody? Is that court ordered? And yes you're right to be livid about both the car and maintenance

ColaFreezePop · 10/09/2019 11:36

@Boymomma in England, Wales and Scotland (don't know about the legal jurisdiction of NI) child maintenance and child arrangements are separate issues.

You also have to go to mediation first for child arrangements in most cases. Luckily for the OP's partner the kids see each parent in an established pattern so it would be harder for the kid's mother to argue and get a judge to agree to a change.

baubled · 10/09/2019 11:37

@lilypips alright hun, no need to get your nickers in a twist! OP has updated with the extra info, easy to miss bits and only think on when people ask questions!

Soontobe60 · 10/09/2019 11:39

I'm assuming that she doesn't work?
It would be a no from me.
Your dp needs to go through the proper channels for maintenance so he knows exactly what he should be paying. He may choose to pay more, but it shouldn't be on the basis of blackmail, which is what his ex is doing. He should also get the contact arrangements formally agreed through the courts. She's may initially try to stop him seeing the children, but as he has been having them 50/50 for many years, she'd have no chance.
Unless he isn't willing to do this, she will always be in control.
If she wants your car, tell her it's cash up front only.

lilypips · 10/09/2019 11:39

@baubled

Except the update was the only part relevant Hmm

My knickers are not twisted. I'm just sick of trying to work out WTF people mean for them to come along and say it was something else altogether. It's not difficult to post what the problem is. This has nothing to do with any of the first post.

PinkCrayon · 10/09/2019 11:42

"My problem is him buying the car off me. I will never be paid for it as he wants to pay me weekly like he does with the CM."

I would have said it was annoying he hadnt spoken to you about it but that I would have let it go as she needed a car and that would benefit the kids but actually I know myself his behaviour would annoy me more that he decides what will happen with your car and then isnt even planning on paying you for it as a lump sum and paying you gradually which would grate on me more if I was you.
I would be really annoyed that he makes arrangements about my car and how he will be paying me without consulting me.
Does he usually treat you like this, expecting you to do what he has come up with and treat you like a child with no voice.

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