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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP wants to buy his ex a car

166 replies

littletikes27 · 10/09/2019 11:17

Might be long as don't want to drip feed!

Been with my DP for 4 years, he has two DC with Ex and we have a DD together, had nothing but trouble for Ex over the years although she has also been in a long term relationship and has another DC of her own.

We have his DC 3 nights one week and 4 nights the next so completely shared custody. We (me aswell) pay for everything, school uniforms, trips, clothes as they're with us all weekend, trainers for both ours and their moms, holidays, literally everything but their mom still wants maintenance. Even though it's shared custody he still pays maintenance every week as she cuts contact if it's not paid.

Her and her DP have now split and she used to drive his car so she now has no car. I have been picking the kids up from school every day and dropping them home on the days they are at their moms as DP was giving her extra money for taxis, now were not well off by any means and I get no financial support from DP for our DD. We split the bills 50/50 but I support her on my own.

I am selling my old car and now DP and his Ex have apparently came to an arrangement where he wants to buy it off me for her and she won't have maintenance for X amount of months.

AIBU to say fuck right off?

OP posts:
ScatteredMama82 · 10/09/2019 12:48

So if I have understood this right, your DP shares custody so shouldn't be paying maintenance, but does anyway. YOU help to pay for the costs of looking after HIS kids, and he gives you nothing towards what is needed for your own DD? I'm sorry but why on earth are you letting this happen? Stop being such a doormat and tell them to bugger off with the whole car idea. If he wants to provide a family car to his ex then let him, and if he wants to buy yours outright from you then fair enough but DO NOT enter into any instalments nonsense. If he can't even chip in for clothes/shoes for your DD how is he going to pay you for the car?

brassbrass · 10/09/2019 12:51

Your problem is with your DP paying maintenance when he doesn't need to but not paying towards your shared DD. I wouldn't put up with this situation. You are supporting him but he's not supporting you.

Slink01 · 10/09/2019 12:52

@ColaFreezePop I completely agree with you. In relation to the courts I meant a lot of people dont realise how expensive it is or even think it is free so it was more to explain how much it might cost if they went down the court route. It's terrible that it costs so much for one parent to obtain access when they haven't done anything wrong to cause the access to be stopped

Banangana · 10/09/2019 12:54

I’m not saying he shouldn’t be paying for his child with the OP and that the mum shouldn’t jointly be paying for them, I just don’t get why it’s a bad thing that he’s over paying for his children with first woman. In situations like this, it’s the kids who miss out.
Both parents need to provide for their children

It's a bad thing that he's overpaying because he can't afford it. By subsidising the ex and her new child, he's short changing the OP and the child they share together. He already pays more than half of the children's costs. If he had plenty of disposable income or chose to forgo some of his own little luxuries for the benefit of his children that would be admirable. But he doesn't, and the OP is actually the one paying for his generosity.

The only parent here not providing for their children is the jobless ex.

MouseInATelescope · 10/09/2019 12:57

Is she a single parent on UC? Has she decalared the income she gets from you & OH? if not she's illegally claiming for her kids - you have to declare every penny you get on top of UC.

Get some legal custody arrangement in place so the "cash for access" can stop. Jesus christ using her kids like that makes me sick.

Billben · 10/09/2019 12:57

If you can cover the bills on your own, you might as well tell him to sling his hook. Otherwise you are just going to be supporting him, his kids and his ex. I can’t believe he’s expecting you to support his kids but he himself doesn’t support the child you have together. What use is he then?

QueSera · 10/09/2019 12:59

Since having our own DD, he has no disposable income after paying everything that needs to paid. For example he has just brought DSC new coats but didn't have enough to get our DD one.

This is appalling. He has 3 DC, he should treat them all equally. If he only had say £20 for coats, he shouldn't get his first 2 DC a coat each for £10, he should split it into £6 each and buy second-hand if needs be. This guy sounds like a total jerk to me OP, he's not treating you or your shared DD fairly at all.

He pays 50% of his first 2 DC's basic household costs (probably more), of which YOU also pay some; then he buys them the extras like clothes etc which he says leaves him NOTHING to pay towards your shared DD, for whom YOU then have to pay for everything extra; then on top of that he pays maintenance to his ex; now he expects you to sell her your car to his ex in installments to cover HIS maintence payments that he probably shouldn't even be paying in the first place. Seriously OP. He's taking advantage. Why does he happily dance to his ex's tune, while treating you and your shared DD so badly?

Bookworm4 · 10/09/2019 12:59

How are these women getting away with not working? I was under the impression it was fairly tight criteria to claim benefits unless ill/disabled.
OP stand up to your DP and tell him the handouts to his lazy graspy ex stop. She barely has the kids, tell her to chase her recent ex for a car.
Personally I’d walk away, he’s a doormat and you’re becoming one too.

Original poster
littletikes27 · 10/09/2019 13:01

It's getting to the stage where enough is enough I think. Thanks for everyone's advice.. I will be a doormat no more!

OP posts:
theunrivalledjoysofparenting · 10/09/2019 13:02

Your h needs to take legal advice and get formal access arrangements in place. His ex sounds very difficult.

Nancydrawn · 10/09/2019 13:03

The car may be the proverbial straw (v. camel), but it's also a red herring.

The key is that you are burdened with the entire cost of raising your child. That is not a partnership.

Your DP needs to go a formal route and have court-arranged mediation for access for his other children, and then sort out the money. Frankly, I don't think £30 a week is keeping him from supporting your kid--I think it's the money as a whole. The two of you need to sit down and talk about how he can include his third child in his budget.

In the meantime, I'd hold off on having any more children until this is worked out.

Jellybeansincognito · 10/09/2019 13:03

Bless you op. He sounds bloody awful!
I cannot believe they had the cheek to come to this arrangement without discussing with you first.

I think a lot of changes are impending in your household and they’re not going to be easy. Good luck!

Shoxfordian · 10/09/2019 13:03

Is this court ordered access? If not then it should be. Say no to the car stuff. Is he really on your team here?

timeisnotaline · 10/09/2019 13:04

If something went wrong with the car he would stop paying the op if he paid in instalments. Don’t do it.that’s the risk of being the owner of a second hand car, not the risk of having fairly sold one.
It sounds like op would be better off on her own- he could pay court ordered maintenance and she wouldn’t have to contribute to his other children. Worth thinking about. I can’t imagine being with someone who treated our child as less than his other children.

Corna · 10/09/2019 13:05

Why on earth is he paying her maintenance when here is shared custody but NOT supporting your daughter? If he pays bills 50/50 then he isn't actually contributing to his daughter with you.
It seems likely you will never see any money for your car if he can even support your shared daughter. He will say he paid for that bag of shopping or the phone bill that month or something and so doesn't owe you anything that week. You need the money upfront and there is nothing wrong with that. He needs to man up and sort his priorities but even if he won't do this you shouldn't have to bend to his need to please his ex.

Jellybeansincognito · 10/09/2019 13:05

I think it would be easier for your partner to pay maintenance and half the costs of the things they need.
Not buying everything and then paying the mum CM, she’s a CF.

Bookworm4 · 10/09/2019 13:07

I just reread OP, I’m gobsmacked that she’s sitting on arse whilst you ferry her kids to school and been getting taxi fares off your DP!!!!
Fuckin hell shes brass necked!
He’s a bawbag!

AdobeWanKenobi · 10/09/2019 13:08

For example he has just brought DSC new coats but didn't have enough to get our DD one

Then he needed to get cheaper coats for all children, or even compromise on charity shop coats, but providing for 2/3 of his children is a twats trick.

BestZebbie · 10/09/2019 13:09

Is your money joint, or he is basically asking you to donate your old car to pay his maintenance for a couple of months? Eg: Doing you out of several hundred pounds to give to his ex?

caringcarer · 10/09/2019 13:11

I would say no. If he wants to buy his ex a car let him find her another one. If the one you have breaks down sounds like she will give you both hell. I understand your frustration but at the end of the day you probably love him because he is a softy. If you broke up he would probably be kind to you too.

girlintheglass · 10/09/2019 13:12

DH has shared custody. Same
Layout as yours 3 nights one week 4 the next. We get all our own stuff, she won't have DSS wear any of her clothes to our house. Won't even share school uniform or pack lunch box. It's ridiculous as I see it, all stuff is DSS and if he wants to take something from our home to his mums he is more than welcome. But he isn't allowed. My DH currently
Pays no maintenance as the split is 50:50

Original poster
littletikes27 · 10/09/2019 13:16

We have separate money.

I buy most of my daughter clothes from river island, usually in the sale or my mother/auntie will buy her clothes now and again, and the kids also have enough clothes from here (a few pair of jeans, leggings, tops) but Ex doesn't see any of this as I buy it all so it gets kept at our house. Ex demanded kids can't have "shitty" coats from Asda or Primark and need a proper coat (no contribution intended), DP said the kids have already picked what coats they like and they're from Asda.

Low and behold we didn't see the kids for 4 days as "it's not fair your DD wears RI all the time and ours wear cheap shit"

!!! Not really relevant but an example of the pettiness.

OP posts:
Catforaheadrest · 10/09/2019 13:16

What level of not being a doormat anymore are you going for?

Leave him! Then you won’t have to pay for his DSC, he might actually pay for stuff for your DD and give you £30 a week! I’m being facetious, but really, the situation sounds like actual LTB territory.

Lahlahfizzyfizzydoda · 10/09/2019 13:18

You realise that she doesn’t want less than 50:50 of time with their shared DC don’t you?

She uses the withholding contact, as a way to keep him in line.

If he wants to give her £30 then so be it, but he also has a financial responsibility for your shared DC. If you split, he’d have to pay CMS anyway.

The cost of any clothes, days out etc should be split between them. And certainly wouldn’t be giving her your car.

She’s a CF!

MsPepperPotts · 10/09/2019 13:18

Don't sell your car OP.
Keep it. You will never see a penny.
You would be much better off on your own with your DC than living like this.
I hope you are not married to him.

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