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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP wants to buy his ex a car

166 replies

littletikes27 · 10/09/2019 11:17

Might be long as don't want to drip feed!

Been with my DP for 4 years, he has two DC with Ex and we have a DD together, had nothing but trouble for Ex over the years although she has also been in a long term relationship and has another DC of her own.

We have his DC 3 nights one week and 4 nights the next so completely shared custody. We (me aswell) pay for everything, school uniforms, trips, clothes as they're with us all weekend, trainers for both ours and their moms, holidays, literally everything but their mom still wants maintenance. Even though it's shared custody he still pays maintenance every week as she cuts contact if it's not paid.

Her and her DP have now split and she used to drive his car so she now has no car. I have been picking the kids up from school every day and dropping them home on the days they are at their moms as DP was giving her extra money for taxis, now were not well off by any means and I get no financial support from DP for our DD. We split the bills 50/50 but I support her on my own.

I am selling my old car and now DP and his Ex have apparently came to an arrangement where he wants to buy it off me for her and she won't have maintenance for X amount of months.

AIBU to say fuck right off?

OP posts:
MotherOfDragonite · 10/09/2019 12:10

Just sell the car yourself. It's ridiculous to expect you to wait for weekly payments. Tell him he can buy another car somewhere else, it's more straightforward for everyone.

Span1elsRock · 10/09/2019 12:10

Hmm I'm a bit torn here OP.

If it stops you giving lifts etc, then you will benefit but only if your DP pays you the money..........

Sounds like your DP is the issue and not the ex, tbh.

Oakandlove · 10/09/2019 12:10

@lilypips - I understood the OP's problem straightaway also, your lack of understanding is your own issue.

OP don't do it, he doesn't pay towards your DD, a lump sum from selling your car would surely be helpful in supporting your DD and I didn't think of the issue other people mentioned, but they are correct in saying if something goes wrong with the car, it may be thrown back at you.

ElizaDee · 10/09/2019 12:11

@TheTrollFairy Tue 10-Sep-19 11:56:24
Why shouldn’t he be paying her maintenance? It might not be enforceable by CMS but they are still his children which he is providing for. I don’t see why he’s being slated for paying £130 towards his kids per month?

Because he has 50/50 joint custody and pays for everything as well as giving maintenance while paying nothing towards the child he has with the OP. Why shouldn't the mother pay towards her own kids? No doubt she's getting all the child benefit and whatever else too.

I wouldn't let him buy the car/give it to her OP. You'll never see the money, the upkeep will end up being your problem as well. I'd start slowly withdrawing how much you do for her too. She's an adult too and can stand on her own two feet and provide for her & hers the same way you do.

I'd also be laying down an ultimatum to your DP about contributing towards your DD too. He sounds spineless and like you'd be better off if you left him anyway.

lilypips · 10/09/2019 12:11

@Oakandlove

I guess it is. What a thick shit I must be.

ButterflyOne1 · 10/09/2019 12:14

Once again another example of the first women expecting everything and the idiot Dad paying it!!

We is it we (the follow up relationship) get jack all other than grief and are expected to be thankful for this situation.

Do not give your car to your DP. Like you said you will not receive a penny for it. Unless it's a complete old banger, how long would it take to repay a car at £30pw.

Your DP needs to buck his ideas up and realise he has three children he should be paying for. If she threatens to stop access to the children then threaten to go to court.

Once again a greedy nasty cow expecting everything.

Idontwanttotalk · 10/09/2019 12:15

Just say no. You want the lump sum for your car which he isn't offering.

In addition, if anything goes wrong with the car you don't want her to be able to come back complaining.

Your partner needs to sort out maintenance through CMS. It isn't on that he pays maintenance when he has the DC for 50% of the time. She has to contribute too. You should stop providing everything they need and just provide half. He needs to go to court for them to decide on how custody is shared.

He also needs to contribute his share for
the DC you share together.

Yoyoyo912 · 10/09/2019 12:17

Tell him no.

Why doesn’t he pay anything for your joint DC?

TixieLix · 10/09/2019 12:19

For the car I'd say a big fat no. Even with payment upfront (which it should be, at no discount) you're better off getting rid of it outside of family/friends, just in case anything goes wrong with it in the next few months.

I'd have a much bigger issue with being expected to help buy things for his DC and him not providing financially towards your shared DD.

NeatFreakMama · 10/09/2019 12:22

I think those two have a relationship together because of their child and it sounds incredibly unfair and irritating but I'd stay out of it. That being said, I wouldn't be drawn into it so no I wouldn't sell my car to him. It's a bad deal, you could get the money on one go. So if draw the line there, where they're drawing you into their mad setup.

yearinyearout · 10/09/2019 12:25

He needs to go to court to get proper access arrangements in place, he shouldn't be blackmailed in order to see his own kids, it will never end!

MummytoCSJH · 10/09/2019 12:28

I think you need to ask yourself why you're happy for him to do absolutely nothing to support your joint child but does anything and everything for his ex...

YouSayPotatoesISayVodka · 10/09/2019 12:29

Given he apparently wants to pay you in instalments for the car and not in one go then YADNBU.

Also, they’ve come to an agreement that if he gets her this car she won’t demand child support off of him (which he shouldn’t be paying anyway but that’s neither here nor there) but... what if once she’s got the car that agreement goes out the window and she starts demanding money every week again? Maybe I’m cynical but I wouldn’t trust someone who withdraws contact with my kids whenever they don’t get their own way.

Also as an aside, your child is also his and he should be financially supporting her.

Slink01 · 10/09/2019 12:31

For those saying go to court I am not sure if you are aware but it is ridiculously expensive going to family court. My brothers ex partner decided he wasn't going to see his daughter any more (genuinely out of spite as he had raised some child neglect issues with her) it cost over £5000 for a judge to eventually allow him alternative weekends. The courts system is an expensive shambles.

Also OP dont sell the car to her/him. Sounds like she cant be trusted not to cause trouble later down the line.

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 10/09/2019 12:32

I think in this case maintenance is irrelevant. Say you will sell him the car as long as you are paid upfront for it, otherwise just say you will sell it to someone else who won't be asking to pay weekly. presumably he wants her to have a car so she can ferry their kids about in it and that's fair enough, but yeah def get payment in one go.

IdiotInDisguise · 10/09/2019 12:33

Yes, you are reasonable. If everything is 50/50, he doesn’t pay towards his own younges DD (unlikely that applies as he is paying for half of the bills of where DD and you), he is unreasonable to practically give them YOUR car for free in exchange of maintenance payments holidays. Unless you are also paying for child maintenance.

Original poster
littletikes27 · 10/09/2019 12:35

Thanks everyone.

I don't understand why he should pay her anything tbh. We provide everything for them, she's gets child benefit and doesn't work so I think she gets extra benefits for having the DC aswell (I don't know I might be wrong). We have DC every weekend too so she doesn't need any money for days out with them.

To the PP who said I knew he had kids or whatever it was.. the children were 2&3 when I met them and this was not the arrangement.

Since having our own DD, he has no disposable income after paying everything that needs to paid. For example he has just brought DSC new coats but didn't have enough to get our DD one. I realise this isn't ex's problem but it infuriates me how as she point blank refuses to financially support her children it leaves me supporting mine on my own

OP posts:
Original poster
littletikes27 · 10/09/2019 12:38

When I say we pay 50/50 I mean shopping, car insurance, rent, gas and electric etc but please remember his two DC live with us for half of the week so I actually think it should be 70/30 split but maybe IABU on that.

If DD needs anything or goes anywhere e.g holiday, wacky warehouse I pay for her.

OP posts:
TheTrollFairy · 10/09/2019 12:40

@ElizaDee
I’m not saying he shouldn’t be paying for his child with the OP and that the mum shouldn’t jointly be paying for them, I just don’t get why it’s a bad thing that he’s over paying for his children with first woman. In situations like this, it’s the kids who miss out.
Both parents need to provide for their children

ColaFreezePop · 10/09/2019 12:42

@Slink01 unfortunately with an unreasonable ex and kids who are suffering because they aren't given the resources they deserve then lots of people don't have the choice.

However in this case the OP's partner hasn't even set his boundaries so he's a long way from going to court.

VanGoghsDog · 10/09/2019 12:42

I think your DP is the resident parent and should get the child allowance and claim maintenance from his ex!

And no, you should not let him have your car for her and pay you weekly, you need the money up front to help fund your new car.

MummytoCSJH · 10/09/2019 12:42

You need to sit him down ans thell him this isnt on. He needs to buy them cheaper coats or go halves with ex if paying for them in full leaves his DD without one!

Sparklfairy · 10/09/2019 12:44

I guarantee the following will happen

Every week dp will say he can't pay you the installment because ex needed xyz

Ex will be on your case about repairs expect you/him to pay

She may well just sell the car herself for a nice lump sum

He doesn't pay anything for his child with you. Why do you let him get away with that?

VanGoghsDog · 10/09/2019 12:45

we pay 50/50 I mean shopping, car insurance, rent, gas and electric etc but please remember his two DC live with us for half of the week so I actually think it should be 70/30 split but maybe IABU on that.

My ex had a child who lived with us most of the time and we paid for everything for (while ex still paid maints). We paid 50/50 on all household stuff including food but he paid for anything directly for his DC (scouts, clothes, school trips etc).

He put £100pm extra into our joint account but that was meant to be saved towards holidays. We had no money issues though - I agree your dp should really pay a bit more as you have his kids all the time. But if he hasn't got the money there's not much you can do about it - except claim the child maintenance payments and/or maintenance support from their mother!

sparkles07 · 10/09/2019 12:46

I would say yes if he will give you the money he would have paid ex in maintenance. Simple.
Ex having a car will save you money in long run (taxi's) and all the time you'll save from being taxi yourself, plus helping out the mother of children you obviously care about. But DH sounds like the one who is getting the financial benefit of the sale, so you need to talk about that.

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