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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP wants to buy his ex a car

166 replies

littletikes27 · 10/09/2019 11:17

Might be long as don't want to drip feed!

Been with my DP for 4 years, he has two DC with Ex and we have a DD together, had nothing but trouble for Ex over the years although she has also been in a long term relationship and has another DC of her own.

We have his DC 3 nights one week and 4 nights the next so completely shared custody. We (me aswell) pay for everything, school uniforms, trips, clothes as they're with us all weekend, trainers for both ours and their moms, holidays, literally everything but their mom still wants maintenance. Even though it's shared custody he still pays maintenance every week as she cuts contact if it's not paid.

Her and her DP have now split and she used to drive his car so she now has no car. I have been picking the kids up from school every day and dropping them home on the days they are at their moms as DP was giving her extra money for taxis, now were not well off by any means and I get no financial support from DP for our DD. We split the bills 50/50 but I support her on my own.

I am selling my old car and now DP and his Ex have apparently came to an arrangement where he wants to buy it off me for her and she won't have maintenance for X amount of months.

AIBU to say fuck right off?

OP posts:
Whattodowith · 10/09/2019 13:51

I withdraw my first statement after the drip feeding. He’s not a good Dad, he sounds rather spineless tbh. He’s clearly afraid ex will cut contact so does whatever he can to keep her happy even though he is neglecting his other child as a result. He should treat your child together equally to his other children. Outrageous to buy two of them a coat and not the third, also outrageous not to contribute in any way to the third child’s life despite living with you both!

Heartburn888 · 10/09/2019 13:52

I wouldn’t see a problem either if it’s coming out of her Maintenance

Whattodowith · 10/09/2019 13:52

I would leave tbh, I can’t quite see his appeal.

combatbarbie · 10/09/2019 13:53

Are you in the UK? She can swivel for car and maintenance if that's the case, you need the shared care formalised.

I certainly would not be allowing family money to do this.

QueenoftheBiscuitTin · 10/09/2019 13:54

Your DP needs to stop pandering to her bullshit and take her to court. It's ridiculous allowing this arrangement to continue.

combatbarbie · 10/09/2019 13:54

And let her withdraw contact... Sometimes we need to play the long game to get what's fair and right.

ChangeItChild · 10/09/2019 13:57

If he pays upfront for the car then fine. Otherwise sell it independently where you will get paid upfront.

OP you seem to be paying more than your share into the household, have you ever done a proper breakdown of who pays what, I think you'd be shocked by how much you do actually end up funding all his children (including the DC you share with him)

OhDon · 10/09/2019 13:57

I wouldn't sell the car to her. Not least because she sounds like a tool but because it's risky selling a vehicle to friends or family.

She sounds like the type that would demand payment for repairs etc... If something were to go wrong with it.

And I certainly wouldn't entertain the idea for a second if the money was coming in drips and drabs. I'd want a full lump sum payment.

DontDribbleOnTheCarpet · 10/09/2019 14:05

What are you supposed to drive while your partner is paying up the car weekly? Presumably you need the money to replace your old car? And I can guarantee that small weekly payments will get used up in the weekly expenses, or his kids will need something, or the ex needs the money for petrol... You get the idea.

As pp's have said, you will end up paying for the repairs as well. So you will have no car, no cash for the car and you will be paying for her to drive around in comfort while you walk or get the bus. And there is no way that the maintenance payments will be stopped, either.

At the moment, it's easier for him for you to be unhappy than for his ex to be mad at him. That needs to change, and I'd recommend becoming an ex yourself!

bluebeck · 10/09/2019 14:27

I am with PP - I cannot see what is in this relationship for you.

LoonyLunaLoo · 10/09/2019 14:27

So he wants to pay £30 a week for the car?? Even if it’s a cheap car, he’d be paying for it for years! And presumably you want the money to put towards your new car? Also agree with @OhDon, next thing you know she’ll be expecting him to pay for repairs, MOT, tyres etc.

No, no need to stop enabling the pair of them and focus on your own DD.

Banangana · 10/09/2019 14:39

I am with PP - I cannot see what is in this relationship for you.

Yes. Unless he was absolutely amazing in every other way, I don't think I could look past this. And even then I'd be suspicious that he's keeping you sweet because he knows just how good he has it with you supporting him and his children financially.

billionsofbeautifulhearts · 10/09/2019 14:43

DP and his Ex have apparently came to an arrangement - Was this before even talking to you about it? If so he should have come to you first!!

I agree with others who have said what if it breaks ect
How is she going to afford the
Insurance? Tax? Mot? Fuel costs? Tires? Breaks?
What about servicing and money if it goes wrong?
Can she afford the full financial responsibility? it is not the same as borrowing a partners car

Your DP may end up having further financial responsibility for this car when she comes back with I can't afford this and I can't afford that, "I'll have to sell it" would he then pay for it to avoid her doing that?

He needs to get his finances in order since he isn't contributing to the child he's got with you and he's not really fully covering his own children for the amount of time they stay 50/50 isn't fair when his other 2 children also stay 4+ days a week!

If he can't really afford to give her the £30 a week on top of everything he already provides them he cannot afford to buy the car off you for the same cost!! I can bet now it will get paid for a while then trickle off! and it will be yet another thing you're covering the cost of say NO

pikapikachu · 10/09/2019 14:51

At £30pw, you're trapped in this relationship until he pays off the car. I bet he'll also say he can't afford the repayments some week. It's a terrible idea to sell to him.

User478 · 10/09/2019 14:52

So, when she gets the car, what's stopping her saying that he can't see the kids unless he keeps paying £30 a week anyway?

AnneLovesGilbert · 10/09/2019 14:54

She might have ducked around with contact to punish him before but you know she won’t do it for long - she’d have pay to feed, clothe and entertain them on days she wouldn’t let him have them and it’s clear she’d get bored of that pretty quickly.

This whole car thing is a positive OP as it’s a big fuck off siren about how ridiculous the current situation is and where you and your child stand in his priorities.

BlueEyedBengal · 10/09/2019 15:03

Keep the car for yourself you need it. I can see it now before it happens, she will be ok for a long little while and then start up with the money thing again. Don't know if I missed it , but who is going to run the car as that is far from cheap? You? Him? Her? It will probably be you both but not her. Get some self and put you and yours first she's doing that isn't she.

AdobeWanKenobi · 10/09/2019 15:23

If you go along with this, this is what will happen.

£30 a week will be paid sporadically.
Car will fail MOT as cars do.
EXP will refuse to pay the £30 as she needs it to repair, because when it goes wrong it will suddenly become your car again.

Cambridgegirl90 · 10/09/2019 16:02

We have my 2 DSC 50% of the time although my DH also pays his Ex hundreds of pounds of maintenance each month. This is because he earns more than she does and it is to ensure the children have the same quality of living across both households. In my opinion this is a fair principle although a bit frustrating in this case as she actually earnt more than him but gave up work in order to gain the maintenance!
What this means is that not only do I share the cost of the DSCs I also end up financing most of the costs of our own DS as my DH doesn't have the money to support him to the same level as the 2 DSCs.
What I am saying is that I can see how one parent can end up funding most of the costs of "shared" children if there are DSCs to also support.

Hannah021 · 10/09/2019 16:40

@Cambridgegirl90 I'm not sure I'm following what you mean by "fair principle" when you ended the post by saying he can't afford to pay for his child's living to the same standard as those elsewhere!

What you're saying is, he's overpaying the other homes to that "standard", and he can't afford the same standard for your home, and so to make up for that, he makes you share the cost of the DSCs in your home and most of the cost of your own child !!!

He needs to set a standard in both homes that he can afford and pay for all his kids!
The fair principle begins with answering a simple question "how can i spend equal amount of money across all my children fairly and without discrimination?"

PepsiLola · 10/09/2019 16:43

Does his ex work?

Holandcleo · 11/09/2019 20:07

Shared custody. Pays maintenance. What does the ex wife/partner pay for. If he’s paying for their upkeep for 3 and 4 days per fortnight and also buys clothes etc etc, what’s the “maintenance” for? The 3 and 4 days they’re with mum? What does she contribute?

ihatehim1 · 11/09/2019 21:26

No she doesn't work and contributes absolutely fuck all.

He now also thinks it's unfair DD has a different brand coat. I said "if Ex paid half of DSC coats maybe they could have the same but considering I am buying her coat myself I don't think it really matters does it"

Just about had enough.

Original poster
littletikes27 · 11/09/2019 21:28

Name change fail!

OP posts:
ihatehim1 · 11/09/2019 21:28

I was just about to post a thread on how I realise I do not like how DP is treating us at all but suppose I needn't bother Blush

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