To think we don’t need partners staying overnight in the post natal ward

[Mammylamb]

If on a shared ward it would have been my idea of a nightmare. The lack of privacy. A midwife bursting in when my boobs were out. Someone pushing against the curtain when I was getting my catheter removed. It was horrible enough when there were other women about. Never mind any random men

www.thesun.co.uk/fabulous/8981244/mum-debate-dads-stay-overnight-maternity-wards/?utm_medium=Social&utm_campaign=fabulousfacebook080919&utm_source=Facebook#Echobox=1567937417

@Aroundtheworldin80moves my husband was in Afghanistan too when our first was born

Men staying overnight on the ward after both my c-sections made it a much more unpleasant and anxious experience for me than it should have been. Women are extremely vulnerable after just giving birth, and having an unknown male inches away from you, separated only by a curtain is not appropriate or acceptable in my opinion. Add onto this noise in the night, using the patients bathroom, staring as you stagger past with blood running down your legs, being stared at as you breastfeed because staff want the curtains open a little to keep an eye on you.....
Genuinely safe and private women-only spaces are at risk of being eroded in society. Surely a post-natal ward is one of the few places where this safe space should remain.
However, I totally understand that the answer here requires more resources

I know several women who were stuck cleaning piss from men who used the patient toilets.

I have been using female only toilets all my life, and I guarantee you that piss on the seats are not a male exclusivity. I don't know about male toilets, but women toilets are, or can be, absolutely vile. It's rare to see a dry seat in there.

Equality has to work both ways

Yeah. Men should also have access to single-sex wards. Oh wait, they do.

I had no idea that there were still wards where partners were banned. I rather thought it was a relic of the past!

Then they need more staff.

I was lucky I had my DH with me (private room) My legs were still paralysed the night after I had a spinal tap and needed DH to pass me the baby.

and a women with SEN celebrating her abortion with the nurses on the other.

Christ.. I can't even imagine this

Women are extremely vulnerable after just giving birth, and having an unknown male inches away from you, separated only by a curtain is not appropriate or acceptable in my opinion.

having an unknown female is nowhere near better, safer, more private or more acceptable. A ward is not a safe place.

I can see it from both sides.

Having had 2 emcs and one planned traumatic c section where I couldn't get out of bed at all for at least the first 24 hours if not longer, I would have welcomed having someone there to change my babies and pass them to me for feeds. The staff were so run off their feet with the first two babies that I basically ended up sitting up all night with them in bed with me, terrified that I would roll on them. The last time I was very unwell in HDU and luckily the midwife only had me and another lady, but that lady had twins and needed lots of feeding support so it still wasn't always easy to get help when needed. If we had more staff then this wouldn't be an issue.

On the other hand a couple had sex behind curtains in one of the post-natal bays when I was in and another father started a fight in the middle of another bay with some visiting family. I was so sleep deprived in antenatal during my several month stay due to a combination of women in labour, newborns crying (nothing you can do about that) and selfish people often partners and visitors talking loudly until late into the night which would only be worse if allowed to stay overnight. The safety considerations for getting access to women if there is a complication post birth and abusive partners taking beds off their partners and them ending up trying to sleep on a chair (this happened too on one post-natal ward I was on) also concern me.

If they had a room with some reclining chairs that partners could rest in I suppose that might help because they could be nearby, but space/money is in short supply and realistically that could be a maternity bay for women, who after all are the people who need a bed most in this situation.

I was induced forceps ventouse emergency c section drip etc it was horrendous for me too but still wasn't allowed my mum to stay. My daughter cried all through the night and I didn't know how to commit her. Plus I was in pain and couldn't lean over to pick her up. Horrid memories.

If you want your dh to stay then book a private room.

Happily would have, but not an option at my hospital. Private rooms given to twin and caesarean births.

I couldn't get out of bed for 12+ hours after delivery due to spinal anaesthesia and catheter. I couldn't have coped without DH and was frankly terrified. Midwives were ok but not especially helpful.

If the wards were well staffed, then I would agree with you. But unfortunately they are not. I have no idea how health and safety don't shut down grossly under staffed wards. It is not safe. They are allowing partners to do vital work. It is a cost saving effort more than anything.

After my first c-section husband helped me more than any midwife did. He nearly made an official complaint but I stopped him. Ds1 and I were co sleeping at the hospital as I stuggle and decided it was safer for him to remain in my bed than throwing him to his bed. On one occasion the midwife took more than 30min from when I pressed the call bell. I still had my catheter in from his c-section birth. My legs still heavy. So getting off my bed and walking the two steps needed to pick him up was not possible. To be fair to the midwifes, two emergencies happened straight after each other. The one that came applogies profusely. Hopefully that don't happen often but any step to avoid that happened is welcomed. The patient to staff ratio is ludicrous and extra pair of hands are welcomed (from me at least).

I had another woman’s partner make a snide comment when I hobbled out the maternity ward with an e-cig in hand (DP was with baby). He asked if I had a baby, I said yes and he replied ‘well you won’t have it for much longer doing that!’. Bloody hell I have no idea what he meant by that. I had just had a tough birth with no painkillers, not even gas and air. I deserved a few puffs on a e-cig after 9 months! Some can be quite insensitive so maybe there should be rules that partners should leave other mothers alone if they are staying

Wtf? It's not just the mother's baby... Some parents are very involved and can help with feeds, changing nappies, looking after baby for you to have a shower.... Other times ppl have difficult births and do need more help. Nurses and other health care professionals are to help you medically, if a family member can help you with mobilising, showering etc why to put more pressure on the NHS. There should be curtains to close each patient in individual cubicles so you can have your privacy... What's the issue?

Think I’m going against the general consensus but when DD was born partners where allowed over night and thank goodness they were.
Yes my sleep was disturbed (I think I totalled about 6 hours in the 5 nights we stayed and was practically hallucinating I was so sleep deprived) but it was mainly by my baby / other babies and the general discomfort of not being at home plus painful stitches!
I also needed my partner there with me. DD was severely jaundice and we had to follow a feeding plan from day 3 of boob, top up with expressed milk then further top up with formula. I fed her (clumsily at first as latching was a nightmare) while DP got the expressing kit cleaned and then DP bottle fed while I expressed for the next feed (every 2 hours from the beginning of the first feed!) - along with burping her, nappy changes and settling her on the light therapy box to sleep... there weren’t enough hours in the day for one person to be doing that, get a minimal amount of sleep to function, use the loo and eat something...! Midwives helped every minute they could but they had other new mums and babies to care for too.
So yes, YABU, some people’s experience of very new baby is different and more complicated than others and 4 hands are necessary!!

I resented the partners who stayed over in my ward after both my kids. I felt I had no privacy. After my first I had a dad come into the expressing room while I was pumping to give his baby a bottle. He starting chatting to me like it was totally normal. It was literally I room full of breast pumps. Absolutely no reason for him to feed his baby in there.

You realise that staff in the hospital will be men?

This comes up all the bloody time, hello?, the staff are vetted and medically trained, someone's man is not. It's to do with forcing women who are patients and vulnerable to share space with randoms who are not patients and whom the ward is not designed to accommodate 24/7.

The idea of leaving a woman, alone, with no support whatsoever, after major surgery or a traumatic birth is bad enough, but expecting her to somehow care for a newborn when she should at least get some rest

you can't compare the exhaustion of the woman who has been through hell and her partner - having him to make her feel safe, let her sleep a bit, and take care of a baby would make a world of difference.

No wonder we have horrendous PND in this country treating mothers this way. Yes, of course, there are Kate Middleton who are on their feet and looking amazing a couple of hours after giving birth - but the ones stuck on a ward for a few nights are not in a fit state to care for a newborn!

So yes, partners should be allowed and we should work towards human conditions for new mothers.

I would have loved to have someone stay with me when I was on the post natal ward. Not only for physical help but for emotional support, I spent most of the 4 days I was there in tears, frightened, bewildered & very emotional. Not one of the staff bothered to reassure me or console me when I was upset, they weren't interested, I was even told i was attention seeking & pathetic. The only person I wanted with me was my mum, not my husband because she had been there before & knew what to do. It would be even better if there was a kitchen where whoever's was staying could prepare food for the new mum, hospital food is awful & any mother who is in much longer than overnight needs good nutrition. The idea that any women who has had a c section has only had minor surgery & should be up & about within hours is disgusting, very often these new mums are in shock because they didnt plan on having a c section, had already been in labour for over 24 hours or longer & even been in to be induced which can take a long time. They need someone to speak for them because their voice is being ignored.

It's to do with forcing women who are patients and vulnerable to share space with randoms who are not patients

why do you think being a patient suddenly makes a difference? It's just as bas as a visitor - sometimes even worst.

It's not like being a patient magically makes you safe and preserve others privacy and quiet!

There should be curtains to close each patient in individual cubicles so you can have your privacy... What's the issue?

The issue is that curtains are not doors, the wards are not meant to sleep that many people and often the staff make you leave the curtains open so they can see you. Plenty of women do not want their personal and intimate medical care discussed in front of randoms (curtains are not soundproofed).

why do you think being a patient suddenly makes a difference?

Um, the patient is just that, the visitor is just that. You really cannot tell the difference? Dear god.

I really couldn't give a shit about blokes on the ward. It must be exhausting feeling constantly threatened by 50% of the general population.

the issue about curtains is also that there's always some inconsiderate idiot who leaves them open and some mothers are unable to get up and close the damn things to keep a minimum of privacy!

The worst one was a ward where some woman complained that she didn't like to be surrounded by closed curtains so a member of staff opened everybody's curtains for that idiotic and selfish cow enjoyment.
Wards are hell on earth!

I'm so conflicted on this. I voted YANBU because I think it is awful that there is any need for partners to stay, and I totally see why vulnerable post-partum women might well not want any unnecessary people around. I also see how it can sometimes be an issue of gendered harm (there was a man escorted off the ward by the police when I was there with my partner).

However, when my DP gave birth I did need to be there. She had a catheter in from a c-section, which no one seemed aware she'd had; she wasn't getting medication on time; someone at one point left a dose of liquid morphine beside her without checking she'd taken it or when she'd taken it (!); she couldn't lift the baby properly and she needed a huge amount of help to get to the loo.

I do see that, possibly, if I'd not been there the extremely overworked midwives and nurses would have done more, but it was very overcrowded and frankly I don't think she would have been safe on her own. They had some kind of issues with an online system for keeping track of patients' histories and it kept glitching, meaning they routinely didn't seem aware she'd had a section/what medication she'd had.