To think we don’t need partners staying overnight in the post natal ward

[Mammylamb]

If on a shared ward it would have been my idea of a nightmare. The lack of privacy. A midwife bursting in when my boobs were out. Someone pushing against the curtain when I was getting my catheter removed. It was horrible enough when there were other women about. Never mind any random men

www.thesun.co.uk/fabulous/8981244/mum-debate-dads-stay-overnight-maternity-wards/?utm_medium=Social&utm_campaign=fabulousfacebook080919&utm_source=Facebook#Echobox=1567937417

For my first two men weren't allowed. I assumed they wouldn't be for my third so told him to go home. Turned out everyone else knew it had changed so I was the only one with absolutely no help. I had a c section and had to sit awake holding my baby from 8pm in the evening until 9 in the morning. It was awful and I would've given anything for my partner there.
There were 5 other dads there, everyone's curtains were closed, they all stayed respectfully quiet and I was the only mum that didn't get any sleep.
So despite what I'm sure many of these posts say, in my experience having your partner there is a definite plus

I agree. Private rooms is the only reasonable and decent option for women and their babies, including fathers as part of the process can only help with recovery and family bonding.

They absolutely cannot use womens facilities though, there are visitors loos and facilities that need rigidly sticking to.

timshelthechoice
you really believe being a patient makes any difference in term of safety, privacy or anything? how naive are you?

MonChatEstMagnifique

• I think it was 100 times better in the days of dragon-like matrons who kept men out and nurses who had time to actually care.

“In the days where men took no part in parenting and women were baby making machines? Thank goodness men are now encouraged to bond with their children and take part in their care. Thank goodness many men are no longer squeamish about their partner post birth and that by being there at the birth and post natally they understand what their partner has been through. It would be nice to have more staff that have time and do care though.”

How far back are you going. I worked nights on a maternity unit in the 80’s. Partners were very rarely allowed to stop all night (after the birth). When partners stayed to long and were making a nuisance of themselves (using patient toilets, being demanding, paying far to much attention to other patients, being noisy or simply a patient objecting to their presence) they were made to leave. I saw the police called on numerous occasions.

My first was born in the 80’s and my husband was with me throughout the birth (most of the staff were critical of squeamish men). He would have been my ex husband if he though child raising was my job.

Personally find having random men around no different to having random women around. Also do not find it odd that Dads would want to be with their newborn just as Mums are.

I just gave birth 2.5 weeks ago. I had a hell of a time and was readmitted when baby was 4 days old. I was a state, baby was jaundiced and lost 12.2% weight, my milk came it that day and i had baby blues. My husband stayed with me. We had the curtain closed the whole time. I would have hated it if he hadn't been there with me, I found it really hard and the midwives unsupportive.
I found it worse when every woman on the ward had a million visitors inc men sit around for hours talking absolute bollocks causing lots of noise disallowing others to sleep.
We were very quiet and minimal people saw My husband.
So imo yabu

YABU.

You obviously didn't need that extra support. Which is great for you, but some of us would really have benefited from having their partner there.

I won't go into detail to why I needed my partner there. A combination of having a longer stay post birth, a baby with an infection who kept being taken away, a spinal block and EMCS recovery and some of the most piggish, nasty HCP I have ever encountered in my life should be enough for you to realise why I would have loved my partner to stay with me. Rather than me crying as soon as he left and being left unable to move, unable to tend to my baby easily and asking for help and then never seeing anyone again.

If he had been there he could have helped me with everything. He could have stopped that HC assistant who moved my phone from beside my hand on my bed and set it on the furthest away table for no reason. It was my only way to contact any sort of support system at half 11 at night. He could have stopped her from moving my water away from me and out of reach. He could have helped me out of bed, rather than me crying my eyes out pulling the sides of the bed up that a nurse had put down on me, even though it was the only way I could eventually get out of bed.

I can be without my partner, I am not surgically attached to him like some inconsiderate posters think. But that was the hardest 4 nights of my life. Having him there would have helped me enjoy being a new mum. When I think back on it now, I still get upset. It absolutely traumatised me.

But sure, as long as you don't have to be inconvenienced by a man being by someone else's bedside. A man who couldn't give two shits about you or what you're doing. As long as you're fine, fuck anyone who has a hard birth and doesn't get to skip home the next day.

I had section at midnight and DH stayed in delivery with me until 4am when I insisted he go home to rest. I was up at 7 the next morning so didnt feel like I did the first night on my own really. The next night we booked a private room and he stayed. In honesty neither of us can remember much but we both thought it was really I.portant for us to spend our first proper night as a family together and DH could be there to support me and DS which was amazing. We both said we felt a bit dirty at the facr that it was £120 and only an option because we could afford it whereas we feel it should be available to all that want it.

I never felt vulnerable on the open ward but some.wkmen may so I think a private room scenario or choice of wards as a pp mentioned would be the only sensible way to do it.

My experience of post natal care is the reason that whenever I have needed to be in hospital since I have used NHS choices to go to a private hospital so that I could have someone with me to support & advocate for me the entire time I was in hospital.

My husband could only stay til 10pm and come back at 8 and to be honest that was enough. I had an emc and was exhausted but I was also glad of a few hours alone with my baby and downloaded episodes of EastEnders. It also meant that when I got home 3 days later DH wasn’t completely knackered from sleeping in a hospital chair. The staff were very good as well so that helped. I do remember sitting chatting with the woman opposite with both boobs out and her DP coming in and joined the conversation. I was so past caring and he didn’t bat an eyelid bless him! There does need to be some private, quiet time. Ultimately, although this is a mans baby as well, the bodies belong to women and at a vulnerable time they should have that privacy respected.

Yanbu.

The visitors on the ward drove me bonkers when I was in both times.

I had sections both times and was very limited with what I was able to do, but the midwives, nurses and hcas were very helpful. DH visited (lots first time, less second time as he was looking after dd) and helped while he was there but it was manageable when he left (just!).

Honestly, other people’s visitors were constantly loud, disruptive, taking up the small space there was, banging dc’s cot through the curtain, snoring when they dozed off.

I think in private rooms it’s fine but not on a shared ward, it’s just not fair on others.

having air boots on and a catheter so I couldn’t get up after a EMCS, drugged up to the eyes and no one there to even pass me the baby.

Absolutely this! Had a traumatic ordeal with my first and my husband had to leave after I was put on the ward at 2 am (because lets send a tired dad to drive home at night on a winding path). Had a emer cs, boots, and catheter, I was anxious, scared, and holding this little baby and expected to care for it when I couldn’t even move my legs and can’t even reach the bassinet properly. I had tried to put him down but couldn’t do it safely and was too scared I’d drop him. I held him in my arms and I was nodding off , but had some pillows to keep my arm in place so he wouldn’t fall out of them. The mw said he had to be in the bassinet and I should rest. I told her I couldn’t reach the bassinet and she said that I just press the buzzer and someone will come. I dozed off for maybe 20 minutes or so and then woke up to him crying, I went to reach for him and accidentally knocked the button and remote off the bed. I couldn’t reach them nor my baby. He was crying for me and all I could reach was the blanket he was swaddled in with my hand, but I couldn’t reach my other arm over. I tried to lift him with one hand but the angle put pressure on my arm and elbow so I wasn’t able to. I felt utterly helpless and like I already failed him. I had already failed being a mother. Someone finally came around, me in tears still trying to reach for him and gave him to me and I refused to put him back in there again until I had movement in my legs or my husband was with me. The moment that catheter was out and I could move, I discharged as quickly as I could.

Second time around, a private suite (can have husband overnight) was available and I jumped on it the second I had my second. I had him right before visiting hours and listening to visitors go in and out for 12 hours and my son waking up every time another baby cried was making me want to discharge myself just for some peace and quiet. The suite was f*ing bliss where I had my own bathroom with a spa-like shower, a flat screen tv, and a couch my husband could sleep on. It was just us, nice and quiet and for £105 a night, well worth it.

I would have loved my partner to stay.

I would have hated everybody else's partner to stay.

So no-one got to stay and, on balance, that was the best solution, particularly as the abusive, stupid 16 yo who was trying to get his labouring partner to give him a BJ wasn't allowed to stay and that was just fine with me. (Yes of course I reported this to staff)

I do understand your point of view, but I really needed my partner with me when I had DS.

I was induced due to GD and was fine being on my own the first night while having the pessarys and the following morning I went onto the hormone drip, i had DS on the night, had a vaginal birth with episiotomy and ventouse. I and hadn't slept in 2 days by this point. I lost so much blood, I had an infection, they thought DS had an infection and we had to stay in for monitoring and were moved to a ward with 5 other women and their babies.

The midwives were really lovely but just didn't have time to help all of us and as a tired, sore & run-down FTM who was really trying to establish breastfeeding I needed more help than they could give.

The first night my partner went home and I remember DS being on my boob constantly, after about 5 hours of feeding he had finally conked out and I tried to sleep and then another ladies phone rang and woke him up during the day they were all going outside to smoke and leaving their babies and I just hated it. I felt crap anyway and was worried about the infection they suspected DS had, so my partner explained to the midwives and they were so lovely, I honestly could cry thinking about how nice they were. They cake and moved me and DS into a private room so my partner could stay with me until we were ready to come home.

I honestly would of preferred other peoples partners in the room too, it wouldn't have made any difference to me as the women I was with were bad enough! And I really needed my partner with me.

As long as you're fine, fuck anyone who has a hard birth and doesn't get to skip home the next day.

Oh come on.

Plenty of us have had hard births and weren't skipping anywhere the next day. Nobody's saying "the status quo is fine, you don't need more support", they're saying "we need more staff to provide that support, we shouldn't be relying on women having a partner who is available and useful and can be there, sharing a small cramped bay with other patients overnight."

I’m sure I read on here about a women being sexually assaulted by her husband on a post natal ward,

I just think in an ideal world we would all have a side room. But the NHS is beyond stretched. There are not enough staff, but again, the system is underfunded and the demands placed on it too great.
I had a long traumatic induction and 5 day labour in a bay of strangers. It was horrific and I needed my DH there. I was scared and often having procedures in the middle of the night.
I almost died during delivery after every single thing went wrong, and baby was in SCBU and very unwell. We were initially in a bay postnatally and the woman in the bay beside me was swigging vodka from a litre bottle, swearing and entertaining a variety of “guests”. By that point my DH who had been extremely non-demanding, lost it completely and demanded a side room for me, and we were thankfully moved straight away. We then were in for another 2 weeks so it was such a relief not to be in a bay. But in all honesty, I could not have coped without my DH there. He didn’t shower or use the toilets on the ward. He went home to shower, and supported me through an immensely traumatic life threatening experience in which I almost lost my baby and my own life. I think to assume everyone has an easy experience where they don’t need support is misguided and unempathic. I’m a tough cookie normally, but in those circumstances, I needed him there. I had no one else to stay with me. The problem isn’t the men, it is the fact that a zero tolerance policy should be adopted for bad behaviour, and also the lack of side rooms, although of course that comes down to government funding which is sadly lacking for maternity care.

Perhaps they should be allowed to stay in private rooms and/or a specific ward which you can opt to stay in, if there's space at the hospital to do that.

I've had two c sections, one was an emergency, and I coped. I really wouldn't have been happy with a load of men on the ward overnight. It's not just the fact of having a load of extra people of a small ward, it's the potential embarrassment... yes there are curtains but they often get nudged, or someone (midwife etc.) comes in unexpectedly so it's open briefly, or it gets left slightly open by accident. It's also not great to be talking to an HCP about things like postpartum bleeding etc. in a quiet room with men they will hear that and it could be embarrassing / uncomfortable for some. Them moving about, talking and using the toilet is also an added disturbance. They are not patients so they shouldn't be there.

DH bonded fine with both our babies.

My youngest is 3 and a half and dad's were not allowed to stay past 9. So all day was fine but night time they all left. I was in for only 36 hrs after birth though and we had other children at home.
With my first born (15 yes ago) I remember sobbing down the phone to my mum cos after 3 days of on off contractions and a long labour baby would not stop crying come 11 pm. The midwife was great though ,she took him into their staffroom. Swaddled him to sleep and only brought him back 4 hrs later when he woke up. I know they're alot more understaffed now though.
I'm not sure what the rules are now, will find out soon as am ready to pop!

I think partners should be allowed. My DH was a great support to me and our baby. It’s not a question to me of males being around because my OB and many of the nurses were male. There are already lots of random men in the hospital maternity units.
I also think it is a bit sexist to ban male partners. It reinforces social conventions that only women take care of birth and babies.

@Scrumptiousbears to be fair if I'd been sharing a ward with you I would've complained about snoring too
Anyway, I stand corrected on my previous post. I assumed everyone would be all 'ban the men!' On here but they aren't.
Maybe everyone could all just agree post natal wards are the most inconvenient, uncomfortable, stressful hideous places ever🤷🏻‍♀️.
I've been in 3 times on different wards. Each shit in their own way BUT the staff are (usually) doing their very best.

I feel really strongly about this, after my DD discharged herself against medical advice last year due to an upsetting experience with another patient's disgusting excuse for a partner.

There is no place for men overnight on a women's only ward.

We are eradicating these spaces at our own peril.

I have not read the read - I had twins, c section, massive blood loss, further op needed to get the bleeding stopped. Was in HDU, couldn't lift my babies, even though they only weighed under 2 kg. Couldn't get out of bed. Dh stayed with me in HDU and then again in a side ward, he did all the baby care because I couldn't, I wasn't fit enoughand he did all this whilst catching a bit of sleep on a armchair.
When I moved up to Post Natal - I was given a private en-suite room (they allocate them on the basis of need) and the midwife refused to allow dh to stay - so I refused to stay, no way could I survive there without dh helping me because the care I was given was so shit! A quick word with the Obs & Gynae Consultant - who I'd seen on a fortnightly basis and they had relented.
Having more staff might have helped, but that would have to be staff who gave a shit - the midwives I encountered were cold hearted and lazy...relying on them would be fool hardy!

If the wards were well staffed, then I would agree with you. But unfortunately they are not. I have no idea how health and safety don't shut down grossly under staffed wards. It is not safe. They are allowing partners to do vital work. It is a cost saving effort more than anything.

Totally agree with this.

As pp are going on about the old days, when DM had a cs with me, she was in for 2 weeks. The midwives would take the babies away to a different ward and look after them for you, bringing them in for a feed occasionally and you could rest. So different from my experience of being expected to cope after over two days of labour, induction and abdominal surgery.

Spaniel I discharged myself when I shouldn’t because my dp wasn’t there.Until we get several millions devoted to post natal care I’m afraid partners staying is crucial.