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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think we don’t need partners staying overnight in the post natal ward

999 replies

Mammylamb · 09/09/2019 18:34

If on a shared ward it would have been my idea of a nightmare. The lack of privacy. A midwife bursting in when my boobs were out. Someone pushing against the curtain when I was getting my catheter removed. It was horrible enough when there were other women about. Never mind any random men

www.thesun.co.uk/fabulous/8981244/mum-debate-dads-stay-overnight-maternity-wards/?utm_medium=Social&utm_campaign=fabulousfacebook080919&utm_source=Facebook#Echobox=1567937417

OP posts:
GiveMeHope103 · 09/09/2019 19:16

My dh stayed with me but we booked a private room. I think it's really not on to have partners stay. A woman feeling vulnerable and emotional really shouldn't have to worry about other men being there. If you want your dh to stay then book a private room.

Scarletoharaseyebrows · 09/09/2019 19:16

I wish my DH had been able to stay. Being left alone at 11.30pm after a 3 day induction, no food and having your catheter removed straightaway after an epidural... my memories of night one with DS1 are terrible. Crawling to the loo and heating him crying and not being able to walk to get to him... I dreaded nights with him for about 6 months after that. Having DH there would have possibly kept me from going under.

PleaseGoogleIt · 09/09/2019 19:17

How would we feel if we'd just met our brand new baby who was mere hours old and then told we had to go home for the night?

MonChatEstMagnifique · 09/09/2019 19:17

I think it was 100 times better in the days of dragon-like matrons who kept men out and nurses who had time to actually care.

In the days where men took no part in parenting and women were baby making machines? Thank goodness men are now encouraged to bond with their children and take part in their care. Thank goodness many men are no longer squeamish about their partner post birth and that by being there at the birth and post natally they understand what their partner has been through. It would be nice to have more staff that have time and do care though.

userabcname · 09/09/2019 19:17

I agree with pp who preferred their partner being there. Another traumatic / complicated birth here - I'm sure it's all good and well if you can get up/move/lift your baby unaided but if you can't then you do need someone to help you. I can't fault the care I received from the midwives but the fact is they were run off their feet and in any spare minutes they had, they were trying to help the women whose partners didn't stay. I was luckily in a private room for most of my week long stay but moved to the ward for my final night. Maybe I was just lucky but I didn't have any problems with the other men on the ward. They were doing a lot of the care work that the midwives just didn't have time to do.

Aroundtheworldin80moves · 09/09/2019 19:20

But why do men have a right to be there? They aren't patients.

If this was suggested for any other ward people would think it was bonkers. Women should have access to woman only wards.

(And DH who didn't see his DD for TWO WEEKS after she was born has no bonding problems. A few hours makes no difference. )

WhatTiggersDoBest · 09/09/2019 19:20

I think YABU. I don't know what I would have done post C-section without my DH. The staff at my hospital turned a blind eye to him being there until 1am because I was the only person still on the postnatal ward overnight. I suffer from anxiety and bipolar, have a 70% chance of developing post-partum psychosis, and was in hospital for 3 days. I had panic attacks every time he went home. I was moved to a side room for my final night there, and I wished we'd had the option of a private room with a bed for him in it so he could sleep and nest with us for the whole time after birth. Why should partners be excluded from bonding with their babies? Some people got with their partner because they want to actually share the biggest moments of life with them. If I am allowed a homebirth next time, I'm having one of those so we can all just be together as a family afterwards.

Evilspiritgin · 09/09/2019 19:21

Women used to give birth at home with women around them

Is a previous poster trying to suggest that women who’s partner can’t be there all the time for all sort of reasons don’t bond with their children

OneHamm3r · 09/09/2019 19:21

Until the level of care post birth improves sorry I think it’s crucial for dads to stay. The care was dire after both my births which included twins. I’ll never forget the feeling of desperation when dp left each night and it was one of the reasons I discharged myself early. I also believe it lead to my pnd.

HavelockVetinari · 09/09/2019 19:23

This is a really tricky one - for most women, being without their partner or husband is fine. For some, however, it's not - when a ward is short staffed or very busy, and a woman is very poorly from PPH or sepsis, the presence of someone whose first priority is them and the newborn can be priceless.

I don't know what's fair though - personally I'm not bothered about being seen with my boobs out etc., but lots of women are. Not to mention the fact that there seem to be a lot of men who lie there snoring or chatting away loudly all night, which is infuriating!

hookandeye · 09/09/2019 19:23

I stayed in for 7 nights after my son was born. My NCT friend did similar. She complained to me about the fact that her husband wasn't allowed to use the showers! She's an idiot.

BeingATwatItsABingThing · 09/09/2019 19:23

I found the night after DD was born quite traumatic. I was on my own (DH had been sent home because he wasn’t allowed to stay), I could barely move, the toilet was out of the room and around the corner so would have had to leave DD on her own and I couldn’t get DD to feed.

I ended up texting my mum, saying I needed her. She rang the ward and told them I needed help and they told her I was fine. She explained that I had messaged her and told them she would be coming to be with me.

It didn’t need to be DH but I needed someone. I felt incredibly vulnerable.

Lazypuppy · 09/09/2019 19:24

@PleaseGoogleIt

How would we feel if we'd just met our brand new baby who was mere hours old and then told we had to go home for the night?

I completely agree. I think its vital in helping dads to get involved straight away with parenting

MoederVanEen · 09/09/2019 19:24

I was on the ward for 7 days following my caesarean and was very grateful that DH could stay with me - it made the whole experience far more bearable. I didn't care about other men being there and never once felt uncomfortable about it.

Smotheroffive · 09/09/2019 19:24

A ward full of new mothers, receiving highly personal intimate treatment/checks is no place for men.

But a separate room with bathroom facilities and low cots for fathers to say, with a communal lounge for families to be together etc, means no men would have to enter and violate a very private female space.

It would help women, and by so doing, help babies, less trauma, less pnd, less pressure on staffing.

Or stay home, where you can retrwattto your own bed and have your own food and drinks!

Not always possible, I know,but I'm sure its more possible than is the current practice of medicalisation.

hookandeye · 09/09/2019 19:24

And I don't really remember seeing other people / men, I was too wrapped up in my own crushing worries but I can understand why some people would prefer the men go home over night. It was awfully busy on the ward.

53rdWay · 09/09/2019 19:25

I understand why women who had shit care would have preferred their partner there to help. But having their partner there would have helped them - it wouldn't have helped the woman in the next bed whose partner wasn't there, who would've had the exact same level of shit care but now with a bloke she doesn't know there as well. We need more staff and more resources, not just "well so long as my Barry can be there then I'm not fussed about what happens to the rest of you."

Scrumptiousbears · 09/09/2019 19:26

We had partners staying both time when I was in hospital in the maternity ward.

The first time I was near the sink and they kept moving my curtain and coming down the side of my bed to wash their hands. I also had one man complain about the noise of the crying babies and (my) snoring. A lot of them also expected the nurses to wait on them.

OneHamm3r · 09/09/2019 19:26

Who said they don’t care?The fact remains if dad is helping care for one mother and baby it frees up nurses to care for others.

HepzibahGreen · 09/09/2019 19:27

In the days where men took no part in parenting and women were baby making machines? Thank goodness men are now encouraged to bond with their children and take part in their care.

Is that what I said? ?

For the record, men don't have to be involved with every bloody traumatic detail to bond with their baby!
If your husband isn't there from minute 1, peering through the gap in my curtains and snoring all night does that mean he won't at some point ( probably from the very next day) be a caring involved father?
I'm not a baby making machine. I'm a human being who needed some privacy, dignity and proffessional care.
And actually, your husbands fragile emotional needs don't trump that.

ShiveringCoyote · 09/09/2019 19:28

For some women abuse often begins or escalates during pregnancy. A postnatal ward can be somewhere she can disclose it. Is it one in four women suffer abuse? That's not a small figure.

53rdWay · 09/09/2019 19:29

The fact remains if dad is helping care for one mother and baby it frees up nurses to care for others.

No. YOUR bloke, my bloke, sure maybe. But there are other men who will do nothing, or who will actively create more work for the staff.

Smotheroffive · 09/09/2019 19:29

*retreat

Sparkle733 · 09/09/2019 19:30

I just had a baby over a week ago and would have done anything to have my dh stay with me.
I was in for 5 days.
Had an emergency c section, catheter and drip.
Midwife forgot to give me the call bell, had a screaming baby and couldn’t even get out of bed.
Not enough staff on the ward and it was a nightmare!
Really would have made my time 10x better by having my dh with me.

nonamesareavailable · 09/09/2019 19:30

For goodness sake I had a c-section and baby was poorly. I would have been completely fucked without my partner there!