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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think we don’t need partners staying overnight in the post natal ward

999 replies

Mammylamb · 09/09/2019 18:34

If on a shared ward it would have been my idea of a nightmare. The lack of privacy. A midwife bursting in when my boobs were out. Someone pushing against the curtain when I was getting my catheter removed. It was horrible enough when there were other women about. Never mind any random men

www.thesun.co.uk/fabulous/8981244/mum-debate-dads-stay-overnight-maternity-wards/?utm_medium=Social&utm_campaign=fabulousfacebook080919&utm_source=Facebook#Echobox=1567937417

OP posts:

marvellousnightforamooncup · 09/09/2019 19:30

I agree and disagree.

DH stayed with me after DS1. He slept on the floor but we had a private room so he didn't disturb anyone.

I'd had a messy emcs and was deposited in the side room on my own in the small hours. DS cried all night, my buzzer was out of reach and I somehow got stuck, unable to move half on and half off the bed in lots of pain. Nobody came and I couldn't reach ds. I was very distressed by the morning.

DH wouldn't leave me after that. The nurses hadn't even realised I'd had a section and wasn't able to bounce around.

With ds2 I was on a ward so not on my own which was much better. I wouldn't consider letting him stay there.

marvellousnightforamooncup · 09/09/2019 19:32

Sparkle, I'm sad it happened to you too.

OooErMissus · 09/09/2019 19:32

To all those saying 'most men aren't interested in anything other than their own partner and baby'...

Well, exactly - that's the entire point / problem! It's only 'most'.

'Most' is categorically not OK.

And as ever, when it comes to strange men - we have no way of telling which fall into the 'most are OK' category, and which do not!

OneHamm3r · 09/09/2019 19:33

I needed dignity and only got that when dp was there.

The afternoon after my c/s I was expected to go and get my own food, drag myself to the shower alone, clear up clots that I trailed on the floor, teach myself how to breastfeed two babies, stop babies falling down the side of the bed when tandem feeding, continuously get up and out of bed to pick up screaming babies for feeding and changing with s brand new abdominal scar.....

Don’t talk to me about dignity. The NHS was bloody lucky my dp was there to do a job somebody should have been payed to do. And frankly expecting a caring father to walk out on a sobbing mother and two screaming babies for a good nights sleep is beyond cruel.

ShiveringCoyote · 09/09/2019 19:35

Also how many women who have just had a baby want to clean piss off the toilet seats. Or queue for the showers?

Coldilox · 09/09/2019 19:35

When my wife was sent home after my C-Section leaving me very poorly with DS it was the most awful thing. I’m not normally so dependent on her, but in those first few days I needed her there. I think her being made to leave contributed to my PND tbh. I remember sobbing alone in my cubicle. I desperately wanted her there with me.

violetswordfish · 09/09/2019 19:35

I wouldn't have coped without my partner there. I was delirious and in pain, I couldn't hold my baby properly, and my baby deserves to be held by a parent and not left in a cot screaming waiting for a midwife to come along and pass her to me.

Most of the problems people have with men on wards overnight can also happen during the day in visiting hours too. I don't see how banning them from wards overnight helps anyone. Private rooms would be the best solution. I don't particularly want strange women around me after I've just given birth either, hearing all my medical issues being talked about.

Templetonstunafish · 09/09/2019 19:36

You realise that staff in the hospital will be men? That women can also harm you? @OooErMissus

I don't understand these MNrs that seem afraid of "men" as a group. I am a survivor of rape, sexual assaults, domestic abuse. I am not afraid of "men". I've never met a women like this in real life. I think perhaps it is more of the older generation?

FrauHaribo · 09/09/2019 19:36

the solution is private rooms, and an end to communal ward.

In the meantime, more staff.

Some of us are feeling just as uncomfortable with other patients, visitors male or female. You are very lucky if you didn't need help, other mothers do and there's no one there. I don't feel some kind of sisterhood with anyone just because we happened to have had a baby the same week. Another female patient make me just as uncomfortable as their visitors, and some patients are horrendously loud ,noisy, chatting on their phone and a right pest.

I hate wards, women only or whatever, I hate them all with passion. Unless you are on intensive care and there's a genuine reason, it's high time they are abolished.

If a partner can stay to bring a minimum of help and help you feel safer and have some basic privacy, of course they should stay.

Templetonstunafish · 09/09/2019 19:37

There was a separate toilet for the men on my ward @ShiveringCoyote and they were not allowed to use the showers.

Pepperstripe · 09/09/2019 19:37

I'm glad my other half stayed with me. I'd had an episiotomy so could barely move so I wasn't able to get the baby out of the cot. You're hardly on display as everyone has their curtains shut.

fallacy · 09/09/2019 19:38

How are people suggesting the nhs magic up tonnes more space for these private rooms that we 'need'?

MuchTooTired · 09/09/2019 19:38

I would’ve killed to have my dh stay with me after having my twins. I was utterly exhausted, and was left with two newborns I could hardly lift, barely able to move after a section, struggling to breastfeed and terrified. I’m lucky that I’d been in for a few days beforehand thanks to pe and had some lovely midwives who helped me out, and even took the babies one night so I could get a couple of hours sleep.

OneHamm3r · 09/09/2019 19:40

I hate wards too. Never forget after suffering severe OHS after an IVF gone wrong listening to a women who had lost a baby and tube through an ectopic on one side of my bed and a women with SEN celebrating her abortion with the nurses on the other.

CottonSock · 09/09/2019 19:40

I was hysterical when my dh was sent home. 3 day induction and c section and I knew I'd get no bloody help.

Somuchroom · 09/09/2019 19:40

My dh got sent home after my EMCS, that night my baby almost choked to death on his own vomit, had to have oxygen and revived when I suffocated him with my boob then I had a seizure (eclampsia that wasn’t picked up on). The lady opposite me alerted staff.

Funny they let him stay for the rest of the week whilst I was in high dependency. Extensive therapy for 2 years and I’m still not over it (ptsd). My maternity unit was ridiculously understaffed. My husband should never of been sent away.

WhenYouCantRunYouCrawl · 09/09/2019 19:41

Sorry but until that is a drastic improvement to post natal care then I think partners should be allowed to stay. Mine was booted out at 8pm and wasn't allowed back till noon the next day. I was in a bed at the end of the ward and I saw NO ONE until my husband returned. I could barely move and was just left to it with a baby to look after. It was an awful experience that I genuinely believe was a trigger for my PND.

ChristinaMarlowe · 09/09/2019 19:41

I see all your points and they are all completely valid. However, post botched csection with significant pph I would not have been able to look after DD2 and would have been left ringing the bell every 3 minutes. If wards were sufficiently staffed and staff attitudes were better it would be much better as women only. As they are not either of those things it is just as well husband's can stay to help if needed. It sucks but honestly what's the answer?
I was so glad to get out both times, hemorrhaged after two weeks this time and ended up back but thankfully in a private room. I may have recovered better if I'd stayed in a few days but it wasn't an option MH wise. Maternity wards are hell.

ShiveringCoyote · 09/09/2019 19:41

That's good @Templetonstunafish but I know several women who were stuck cleaning piss from men who used the patient toilets.

Slink01 · 09/09/2019 19:41

You cant seem to win as a man, Dont stay and you are accused of not caring about mum and baby, do stay and people complain there are "strange men" on the ward. What makes them strange?, they are there because the greatest thing in their lives has just arrived. What's to say that one of the new mothers on the ward isnt a "strange woman". It is 2019 not 1919 and some men are trying to be better at being parents than our fathers before us, or we could go back to those times and have little or nothing to do with our children.

I say any dad that wants to stay on the ward with agreement from the mum should be able to stay unless there is some medical reason for them not to. If they become an issue just like any other person Male or female then fine ask them to leave and if need be have them removed by security. Equality has to work both ways

louise5754 · 09/09/2019 19:41

I wasn't allowed anyone with me for the 13 hours i was having contractions. I still think about this 10 years later.

FrauHaribo · 09/09/2019 19:41

fallacy
people are demanding that the mentality change and we recognise that it's not humane and not the right way to treat patients. Nothing will change overnight, but we need to leave the Medieval Age and move on to the modern times.

Plonk prisoners in communal wards with 1 shower and 1 toilet for 20 people and it would be an uproar. Why is it acceptable to treat patients like shit?

OneHamm3r · 09/09/2019 19:42

Reading some of these stories is bringing back some hideous memories.

Ihatemyseleffordoingthis · 09/09/2019 19:42

It would be ok if the wards were set up differently, had enough space and better facilities for privacy. More HCPs and reasonable visiting hours would also work.

Sceptre86 · 09/09/2019 19:42

I would have loved this first time around. I was the last women to have a section that day and didn't get on to the post natal ward till 10.30pm. My mum and dh were kicked out and I had dd to deal with whilst I was in the first few hours of recovery. I was attempting to breastfeed and had to keep pressing the buzzer throughout the night to get a midwife to pass her to me. One midwife was annoyed that I rang my buzzer for her to pass dd to me when I said what else do you want me to do, just rip the catheter out? I did try to twist my waist to get dd out of her cot, my stitches burst and I was taken back into theatre the early hours of the next day after having my dd.q I get that they are overworked and understaffed but my stay in hospital was a really shitty experience that would have been a lot better had someone been able to stay with me that first night. I didn't care if it was dh but probably would have preferred my mum. I think women who go in for a section at the end of the day should be put in their own room and allowed someone to stay over. The whole crappy experience was a contributor in my feeling so sad, crying a lot and generally feeling unhappy in the first few months after having my dd. Looking back on it it probably was pnd.

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