Being a stay at home mum with both kids in school.

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At least for a little while anyway ^ I’ve pretty much been a stay at home mum since DS was born. He’s 8 and DD is just 4 and has just started school, both have additional needs.

Everyone keeps asking when I’m going back to work. I plan to at some point, but myself and OH have decided I’m going to have a while of me being at home for a variety or reasons - DC have additional needs, there’s a chance DD might end up doing part time hours if she cannot manage full days so I cannot commit to anything yet, both DC have apps, meetings, reviews etc so finding a job that will be understanding of this would be hard I imagine. My Oh works long hours but finding a job around his hours is really hard. Fortunately he earns a wage we can survive on. We aren’t rich but we are comfortable, own our own home, we do get DLA for DC but don’t receive any financial help apart from that.

I feel this sense of guilt that I’m going to be home whilst the kids are at school? I’m certainly not going to sit around doing nothing. I have loads of decorating and home improvements to do. I’m worried people will think bad of me because I don’t work. I plan to do loads around the house and I also clean my grandparents house once a week for them so there will be very little chill time still.

When I do go back to work, how do I manage in the school holidays? No family can have Dc and there aren’t really any childcare options where I live (middle of nowhere). So this is my biggest downfall of working!

I don’t think you should care what other people think, it’s whatever works best for your family

If you can afford to then I would plan to not return in the first year so you have the first summer off. After that explore whether there are any jobs which you can do part time, maybe in their school of flexible working at home. One of mine has health issues and that flexibility has been invaluable even now that she is in secondary school.

Carry on as you are. The people who question your life choices like this aren't real friends. A real friend wouldn't be trying to guilt-trip you like this.

It’s your life, you get to choose what you do with it. If it works for you it doesn’t matter what others think.

Do not feel guilty. It's brilliant to have the time to dedicate to your children's needs, as well as time for yourself, without having to squeeze them in around work.

do it! Sod what anyone else thinks, none of their business.

If you can stay home- do it! Looking after a child with additional needs is exhausting and you've got two. As you said - as well as the extra care, it's the meetings, appointments, the getting called to pick them up from school...never ending.

I'm a reluctant but grateful SAHM. I'd like to work part time but they are so hard to get.

My son is autistic and would crack up if he were in a school environment longer than he is already

My husband is always away overnight and works 7-7 all the time, I couldn't in all fairness expect him to pitch in during the week.

We don't have any reliable family support

So I'm at home.
Bored and fed up at times but overall, its best for all of us.

I do the odd course to keep me going.

If you can afford to do it, and would like to do it, then go for it. That's the choice I've made and it works for us. Being honest, I definitely struggle when people ask me what I do for a living (having been quite a career girl I can see their surprise when I explain that I'm a SAHM now) but honestly, it makes me happy to be able to "run" home life, scheduling the appts, clubs, birthday present finding, food shopping, laundry and what nots so that at the weekend we can enjoy family time together (my DH also works long hours during the week and the weekend is really our only time as a 4).

I also do a fair bit of voluntary stuff, and similar to you helping your grandparents, I have the time to see elderly relatives or ladies from church, when so many people can't. So there's a lot of good you can be doing for the wider community, not just your own immediate family. I know it's not for everyone, but if you can make it work and want to, then it can be a really nice balance. And yes, summer holidays are great this way! Good luck with whatever you decide.

I was a sahm when my youngest started school, having variously worked full time, part time and term time only in between. We had the loveliest year. No pressure on dh to do much besides work, I was always available for the trips, the in school activities, home work, clubs, play dates, you name it. The kids loved it and I did too.

I'm back at work now, quite part time, so getting a bit of the best of both worlds and also the worst of both in some ways.

It never occurred to me to even wonder what people thought of me doing it!

When I do go back to work, how do I manage in the school holidays? No family can have Dc and there aren’t really any childcare options that take SN children.

This is exactly my problem right now!

Do what's right for your family.

Most people don't mind how other people structure their family situation as long as everyone is making happy, healthy, informed decisions.

You could claim carers allowance for the child that receives DLA. You are not doing nothing, you are caring for 2 children with additional needs and I presume keeping the house and supporting your DH.

I can't afford to work. We're on wtc, which would be cut if I worked more than 10 hours a week, and I can't find a job with as few hours as that.

People will make judgements.that just comes with the territory of being a female parent

Ds has autism but with a very subtle presentation, and it’s not something that’s immediately obvious. I’ve had so many people advise me to get a job, or ask how I can stand the boredom, or what do I doooo all day.

Does it work for your family?
Does it work for you?
How are you building a pension?
Have you financial protections in place against death, divorce, disability
Would you like to use the hours to retrain or upskill?
Have you equal access to family finances now?

These questions are more important than
What will people think?

Don't feel guilty. If your DH is happy for you to not work and you don't want to work plus it sounds like you can afford it then what's the worry about enjoy yourself. Please don't justify yourself to other people by saying you have decorating to do . people with jobs have decorating to do, as well see also life admin, gardening, domestic duties, bill paying etc. If questioned just say this is what works for our family.

YANBU. I used to wonder why people did this (not say it out loud though) but now I have a DD in school (Just started year 1) and a DS a couple of years behind, I totally get it. DD has no additional needs, in fact she has thrived and enthusiastically goes to wraparound clubs and holiday club. OH and I both have a decent holiday entitlement and some flexible working, and it's still hard to do everything. School assemblies, teacher meetings and obviously the endless school holidays. I feel terrible that we don't do enough reading with DD because we're always out and when we're home we're knackered. I also feel like we don't eat as well as we could as we have no time, etc. The list goes on. Do what you need to do!

Women can’t win. Do what you want to do and don’t set about justifying it to anyone.

Before I had kids I couldn't imagine what people do with themselves all day whilst their children were at school - now I know its not much as not much can be squeezed into that short time!
Its almost harder once they're at school than nursery as there are constantly things that need doing, so much admin to keep on top of etc. Etc.

What you are doing makes perfect sense for your family! Don't feel the need to justify yourself to anyone.

I’m a SAHM with DC all in school. No one’s business what I do with my time and I find the only people who ask are the ones who are nosy and want to judge. It’s between your DH and you.

Your finances are noone else's business. Having a child with SEN is very stressful, and adding a job into the mix could be difficult. If you really want to work, and find a job you love then you'll cope with that stress, but if you are working just because you think you should then you'll really feel that stress!

A friend of mine with an SEN child ended up leaving her job as she was getting so many calls from the school to collect her child when school couldn't manage. She now claims carers allowance and does flexible delivery work. Her child wouldn't manage holiday clubs and has to be kept home if the teacher isn't there for any reason (won't cope with substitutes), so this works well for her.

Are you married, topping up your pension contributions regularly &/or have an independent income?

If not, then you need to get some financial security.

If you remain a SAHP without the legal support of marriage and your OH dies or leaves you tomorrow, you could be left without an income, home or pension.

If the home belongs to you, you can support yourself without his income & you have a healthy looking pension, then carry on as you are. If he gets hit by a bus, gets ill (or runs off with the OW) you still have a roof over your (& your DCs) head, money in the bank & a poverty-free retirement to look forward to.

When you have DC it's important to consider their long-term as well as short-term needs, including financially supporting them if your DP is unwilling or unable to.

It's not so much about what other people think as financial practicalities.

I’m in a similar position to you - children are the same ages and the youngest is autistic. I HATE being asked if I work. I always say “Not for money!”

I have one more year before the youngest starts school and I have no idea what I’m going to do. Frankly I would be able to find plenty of things to occupy myself with at home, but I’m dreading the judgement

Not to mention, jobs that fit around school hours and allow you to stay home with them when they’re sick are ten a penny, aren’t they?!

Thanks all. DS has autism, DD isn’t diagnosed with autism but she more than likely will be. She has global development delay, a speech disorder, hyper mobility etc. It’s so hard. Feeling guilty for not working but I am sure when I do go back to work I’ll feel a sense of guilt then too.