Being a stay at home mum with both kids in school.

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At least for a little while anyway ^ I’ve pretty much been a stay at home mum since DS was born. He’s 8 and DD is just 4 and has just started school, both have additional needs.

Everyone keeps asking when I’m going back to work. I plan to at some point, but myself and OH have decided I’m going to have a while of me being at home for a variety or reasons - DC have additional needs, there’s a chance DD might end up doing part time hours if she cannot manage full days so I cannot commit to anything yet, both DC have apps, meetings, reviews etc so finding a job that will be understanding of this would be hard I imagine. My Oh works long hours but finding a job around his hours is really hard. Fortunately he earns a wage we can survive on. We aren’t rich but we are comfortable, own our own home, we do get DLA for DC but don’t receive any financial help apart from that.

I feel this sense of guilt that I’m going to be home whilst the kids are at school? I’m certainly not going to sit around doing nothing. I have loads of decorating and home improvements to do. I’m worried people will think bad of me because I don’t work. I plan to do loads around the house and I also clean my grandparents house once a week for them so there will be very little chill time still.

When I do go back to work, how do I manage in the school holidays? No family can have Dc and there aren’t really any childcare options where I live (middle of nowhere). So this is my biggest downfall of working!

I’ve been a SAHM for over ten years. Nobody has ever asked me if I work or not. It’s only on MN that certain people seem to take issue to SAH. Fortunately those posters are not in this thread! I’ve never encountered any judgement in real life and I know countless women in very similar situations. They are just doing what makes more sense for their families and that’s the end of it.

I echo others that you need to make sure you are financially and legally protected - you have referred to him as "OH" so I'm assuming you're not married. That needs sorting. You don't need a frilly wedding, just see a solicitor to ensure that in the event of death or divorce, you're both protected and the DC provided for.

In your position I'd probably have a look for freelance work you can do from home and be flexible with.

Your posts are articulate so I'd immediately suggest advertising for freelance article writing, proof-reading, puff pieces, and if you speak any other languages, translation. You could also consider tutoring in English and/or other subjects.

If you're good with design and have Photoshop or similar, get on 99Designs and enter the contests for contracts.

Slightly technical? Look at web design. It really isn't that complicated.

Quite technical? Look at simple programming. TBF it is quite complicated but I get a kick out of learning the hard bits!

Do you want human (adult!) contact? How about doing mobile sports massage, manicures, facials etc?

Any self employment gives you the freedom to set your own schedule. Sounds like your partner has a steady income so for you this is just keeping yourself motivated and current in today's skills... and stopping yourself from going totally insane with boredom.

Most comments are derived from jealousy.
No, they'll be drawing from a range of different experiences and opinions.

Writing off women with a different opinion as being jealous is one of the most repeat stupid arguments on here

Yep don't feel guilty.

A lot of people making these comments want to justify their own life choices/decisions .

Everyone's set up is different.

Maybe your DH earns more so that you don't HAVE to go to work.

Enjoy some time to yourself x

I WOH and I don't think YABU. And I don't even think you need a reason to stay at home other than you want to. It's absolutely nobody else's business, it's between you and your DH.

But LolaSmiles why do they feel the need to say anything at all? (Unless asked of course).

water I'm not putting other women down at all, I'm merely pointing out the positives of mine and the OPs fortunate positions and a decision that we shouldn't feel guilty about because it's against the social norm.
It sounds like you're fortunate to have the job you have, I have many stressed friends who wouldn't be able to leave work if their child were ill (who also work exceedingly hard) and have to rely on family members.

I am sahm. I have three kids but two have Sen. There aren’t any holiday clubs they could attend and I’ve had no luck finding work from home or time term work.

Don't know about anbody else on this thread, but I feel so better realising that I am not the only mum of an ASD child who is unable to work a 9-5 job.

Think deep down a lot of people do wonder why my son couldn't cope in extended hours.

As a previous poster said 'women can't win'. We are damned if we do and damned if we don't, and our biggest critics are other women! Don't defend your choices to other people, it's got bugger all to do with them. A good friend of mine (a graduate who had a good career) hasn't worked since her first was born and she now has 3 teenage children, one with SEN who is picked up and brought home by school transport every day. She told me if anyone asks what she does all day, she says "I sit on my fat arse doing nothing", which is a brilliant response - she doesn't have to justify her time to anyone. She and her DH have an excellent relationship and he appreciates everything she does for the family.

Your life and your choice. If it works for you and your family then so be it.

As a slight aside, don’t always assume that when people ask they are making judgements. I ask people these questions (men and women) not because I’m judging or nosey but because I’m making conversation and I am interested in you if you are my friend / colleague etc. If someone said their child was starting school then I would make conversation about that which might including which school, are they looking forward to it and phrases such as “will you go back to work” or “will you stay at home” but I don’t mean anything by it, just showing interest. Sometimes posts like these make me worry that you can barely say a word to people these days without causing offence. No wonder the art of conversation is dying!!

gingerfigs that is a good point

I'd just say look at how this is hitting your pension and if at all possible pay into a private pension for you from family money (income, not from any savings you might have).

I mostly stayed at home for 10 years (taught some adult evening courses but below the tax threshold and didn't pay into a pension scheme). Even though I had twelve years of pension contributions before that and have been back at work for nearly five years my pension is seriously impacted by ten adult years without contributions (just a tiny amount contributed by the state due to having children under 3 - were abroad so rules on that are different but claiming UK child benefit does something similar I believe).

I wish that as my staying home was both our wish equally, and indeed we moved abroad to further DH's career to a country where initially I couldn't work and didn't speak the language, that I'd thought of the hit to my personal pension pot and made meaningful pension contributions for me part of the deal.

Good luck, but don't ignore your pension and the harsh reality that even strong, wonderful relationships don't always stay that way. Cover your back.

It's up to you what you do.

If you can afford to stay at home and it makes you happy, so be it.

If your children are getting dla then you should look into claiming carers allowance. It's worth doing to protect your pension in the future as well as a little help

"if your children are getting dla then you should look into claiming carers allowance*

depends on the rate. you cannot get it for low rate care, only middle and high rate care

I wonder how many husbands would make themselves financially vulnerable on someone else?

Be smart, you don’t know what’s going to happen in the future get a job (pt) and have a nest egg. Nobody likes to think their hubby will betray them but I’ve seen it happen many times and these women have been left penniless.

Echoing pps, do what is right for your family.
I’ve been a sahm of school aged dc for several years. Because it works for us. I do get asked why I’m not working, particularly now dc are a bit older, but I just say “because it suits us that way”.

Our situation was different to yours, but me working would have put a lot of restrictions on us which we didn’t want to have, and were fortunate enough that we can afford for me not to work. We don’t have an extravagant lifestyle or massive house, but are happy with our decision.

One thing I would say is try to have some interaction with people most days or it’s easy to slide into depression

Do not feel guilty - your children need you. The best gift you can give them is support, when they have additional needs. Come on here to chat if you need support. I have learned over the years to ignore people, but even with that there are days when people's comments and opinions get to me. So stay strong and find people like you (in the same situation) to have coffee with and support each other.

what you are doing makes perfect sense for your family and how you all are finding your feet a thte moment.
many woman dont go back if they are comfortable enough and they dont even have your additional circumstances!
please dont feel guuilty.you have enough on your plate.and we have all got enough to contend with wihtout peoples small minded views on things they often no bullshit all about.
its jealousy or judgement or whatever it is but its isnt nice so ignore.
things might change,you might want to go back.you might need a bit more money. but until you decide that and as a fmaily it works for you then bugger to all the ones commenting.
are you happy.secure.safe as you are.are you talking with your dp bout it and open to hearing both views if thigns change then all is well op.dont listen.smile.dont jutify what you do in the time they are not with you.you could be sitting on your ass watching loose woman and this would be ok.
giggle inside when they comment on how it must be inside their heads for them to want to judge or comment giggle giggle "fuck off" giggle giggle "fuck off"

Sorry that last bit came out wrong, I don’t mean depression in the medical sense, more that you can get a bit flat if you spend all the time by yourself rather than filling the time, whether that’s meeting friends, a class of some sort or volunteering.

I'm not there yet, my DD is only a toddler (may or may not have SEN in that you can't, always tell which toddlers will turn out to have it) so not at school but I dont have any family nearby. Unless I can get one of those term time only jobs it will be impossible to manage holidays. Even if me and DH stagger and never take leave together the maths doesn't work.

All those "we just get on with it by juggling, keeping spreadsheets and asking for CF favours" posters really aren't selling it to me either

That said I don't think I want to be a SAHM for 10+ years. It's fine now, we do low cost toddler activities and it's not like I've ever enjoyed any of my jobs or earned a decent wage. I just reckon I'll get bored once the school term starts even if we can manage financially.

Don't feel bad if it works for you - lots of people may do the same with less reason if they can afford it. Everyone is different. However - if you feel you'd like to get some sort of job, for your own sanity/self-worth or whatever, that's a different thing.

I have 2 DCS, one with additional needs, and felt the same about returning to work. I ended up getting a flexible part time office job in a school so no issues with holiday cover. (I looked at applying for a job in the local council with the SEND parent support group which would have been ideal but slightly more hours than I wanted overall). Do you have contacts with the council through parent carer groups or SEN support - it could lead to great opportunities?

But it's up to you. My DH keeps saying I should give up my (low paid) job and have more time for the DIY/garden/ cooking etc but I love having a few grown up hours away from the home. If you're happy as a SAHM then embrace that and totally ignore anyone who has the nerve to comment! .

I agree with GingerFigs - most people who ask if you're planning to go back to work are just asking the question. Don't assume they're judging you.

Also echoing the posters asking if you're married. If not, you could be left in an incredibly vulnerable position if you and your partner split up in 10 years time and you haven't worked for 18 years. Remember, everyone thinks it won't happen to them!

It's entirely up to your and your DH what you do with your time. If it makes you feel better, tell people you're "renovating" the house, that sounds bigger than home improvements even though it's the same thing.