Being a stay at home mum with both kids in school.

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At least for a little while anyway ^ I’ve pretty much been a stay at home mum since DS was born. He’s 8 and DD is just 4 and has just started school, both have additional needs.

Everyone keeps asking when I’m going back to work. I plan to at some point, but myself and OH have decided I’m going to have a while of me being at home for a variety or reasons - DC have additional needs, there’s a chance DD might end up doing part time hours if she cannot manage full days so I cannot commit to anything yet, both DC have apps, meetings, reviews etc so finding a job that will be understanding of this would be hard I imagine. My Oh works long hours but finding a job around his hours is really hard. Fortunately he earns a wage we can survive on. We aren’t rich but we are comfortable, own our own home, we do get DLA for DC but don’t receive any financial help apart from that.

I feel this sense of guilt that I’m going to be home whilst the kids are at school? I’m certainly not going to sit around doing nothing. I have loads of decorating and home improvements to do. I’m worried people will think bad of me because I don’t work. I plan to do loads around the house and I also clean my grandparents house once a week for them so there will be very little chill time still.

When I do go back to work, how do I manage in the school holidays? No family can have Dc and there aren’t really any childcare options where I live (middle of nowhere). So this is my biggest downfall of working!

Totally reasonable choice to sah if it works for you and your family. Don't feel guilty!

I work about half a day a week max and dd is at preschool 2 days, so i have 1.5 days a week in a similar position. Dh works long hours, so i spend that time doing laundry, cleaning the house, meal planning, shopping (and the very occasional pedicure..). It works for us, i feel busy and fulfilled and dh is grateful for me taking the lions share of household jobs rather than us splitting it at the weekend. We spend weekends together doing fun stuff instead.

Honestly, do what works for you and your family! Don't listen to anyone who thinks you should be back at work if that isn't what you want to do. I work 4 days a week and my kids are in school and to be honest, if my partner or I could work less hours we would - it is a logistical nightmare most of the time!

Meh. I'm a SAHM. DH is on £40K a year and it's enough for us to get by on. Kids are 12, 9 and 7 and me getting a job is all well and good in theory but it'll not work when the schools are off or I have a poorly child. I'd also have to organise school holiday childcare for 3 kids on what would be a minimum wage job plus some of DH's income. I can't do nights because DH does continental shifts so nights one week, days the next. Works for 3 days and off for 2, then works for 2 days and off for 3. Its seemingly erratic but follows a set pattern.

DH has no issue supporting me staying home. I don't work and as long as we're not relying on benefits then I'm in no rush to get back to it. Screw what anyone else thinks!

I am a sahm of school age dc. My youngest has sn. Her first year at school was full of appointments as she was going through the process of being diagnosed. I honestly couldn't have worked...she had appointments every single week...it was tough enough juggling these alongside looking after my older DC. I haven't got much family locally to help.

I use my time during the day to make sure that evenings and weekends are as easy and stress-free for our whole family. So housework done, dinner cooked, laundry done...

do what works for your. Do you get Carers allowance as well?

Working with a child with SN is shit. DD has severe LDs and I was never in a position to give up work (we use a holiday club who is willing to take her) but it is relentless and very very hard. If you can avoid it, I would.

Are you married, topping up your pension contributions regularly &/or have an independent income?If not, then you need to get some financial security

Totally agree.

As someone with older children, I have seen too many people do this and are stuffed years later when it comes to career prospects and pension-it wouldn’t be for me.

Second the pp who said you might be able to claim carers allowance (not sure if this is only for higher and middle rate DLA).

I feel a huge pressure to demonstrate that I'm a valuable member of society. It's insidious. I do do some voluntary work but have just had to let an organisation down because I realised that it was too much for me. I do have a chronic condition myself which causes fatigue so I need to consider how I spend my time wisely.

People under estimate the work involved in having a DC with additional needs. I spent two full working days last month (yes, I calculated it!) chasing down prescriptions and other items my DS needs. And probably another 3 days on appointments.

Ultimately what you decide works for you as a family needs no justification.

I do hate it when people dress it up in faux concern or comments about how bored they would be.

If you're not married you're in a very precarious situation and I bet your OH is aware of this. Why aren't you married?

Do what works for your family - mine are 17 and 18 and I still work only part time. It suits our lifestyle as a family.

Anyhow you say "I also clean my grandparents house once a week for them", any one asks - you are doing some part time cleaning... shuts people up if they are thinking you are lazing about all day

My DSis is severely disabled so even once we were at school there was no way my DM could go back to work as there was no way she could do work over the school holidays. I know my mum found it hard as she got very bored at home (lived in the middle of nowhere and these were pre-internet times) but it just wasn't possible to do anything different.

You shouldn't feel guilty for doing what's best for your DC.

Why are you feeling guilty? It's what needs to happen for you and your family, it's agreed with you and DH, nothing else matters.

Do exactly what you and dh want to do. If it works better for you all, with you at home and your dh working, then be happy with this.

Given all of the demands of home, school holidays etc it is not an usual arrangement, lots of people stay at home with school aged children. School hours are so limited, so if your dh is working long hours and can't help with the dc or housework you are going to end up having to juggle it all.

So when people ask tell them you are very lucky to be staying at home, and enjoy it! There is more to life than working to please other people.

*an unusual

I have been asked for years if I work.
I do a few hours working from home which I can fit around the kids,
If I went out to work I would be on minimum wage so not enough to pay for child care.
My husband has a good job and we are comfortably off.

......I remember a few years ago someone trying to stick thier nose in and her telling me she was an independant woman......I really couldnt have cared less wether she was or wasn't not my buisness....but she was having a dig

.....So I told her we are an independant family.Don't rely on a single other person outside our home,no baby sitters and certainely no family that would do it even if we asked.

.....This woman trying to have a dig at me has everyone from neighbours,her family and also her new boyfriends mother providing free childcare ,her business

OP we all do things differently,we do what works for us and what is best for our kids and family.No need for you to justify yourself to anyone else

Anyhow you say "I also clean my grandparents house once a week for them", any one asks - you are doing some part time cleaning... shuts people up if they are thinking you are lazing about all day

I wouldn't be telling anyone anything at all. I stay home. That's that. Nothing I do in my home impacts on anyone else except us and I've never felt the need to explain my reasons to anyone. You do not owe people explanations for anything

Do it but make sure you think through the long term economic consequences for you. This shouldn’t leave you more vulnerable than your partner if things change. E.g. is the household income paying into your pension?

OP - you don’t have to justify yourself for wanting to do what’s best for your DC!

Millions of women SAH and their children are at school and don’t have additional needs.

Every family is different. Do what’s best for YOUR family. The reality is that nobody will judge you- people are too wrapped up in their own lives to even notice. If anyone was to pass judgement (though I can’t imagine why they wouid), then that’s their problem / insecurity and nothing to do with you.

Just do what you like! Life is too short. Anyone who questions you is only jealous. If you can afford it then who cares?

It’s unlikely I’ll ever be able to be a SAHM but honestly, for me it’s the dream. You’d get to do pick up and drop off, with a lovely tidy house, time for exercise/ cooking/ organising family stuff. Always put your kids first.

A school day isn’t very long anyway so unless you want to organise childcare there are very limited jobs available.

I hope to take a career break when DD starts school to be around for her more. But we’ll see!

Don't feel guilty!

I don't suppose you are lying in bed all day eating chocolates and watching netflix, I suspect you are working hard at home (and saving the family money in decorators, cleaners, nannies and chefs, not to mention admin, gardening and all the rest)

And if you are having the odd duvet day, good on you, have spent years of sleepless nights and long days raising children. Own your decision and be pleased when you tell people. You are in a fortunate position.

You stick with whatever works best for your family.

I've been wondering this too, my youngest will start school next September. I've been a sahm since 2012.

At the moment all the school runs, appointments, shopping, cleaning, cooking all falls to me as DH has a demanding job. Hes great when hes home but his work are not flexible. I can't imagine how I would fit it in if I had to work too.

You may come across some nasty people who seem to be judging you, but they'll probably just be jealous ..

In reality it's hard to find a well paid job that will accommodate school hours and holidays - unless it's in a school! If you have to pay for childcare it often doesn't make sense to work part-time.
I am a SAHM and only going back to work now after 14yrs. I will never, ever regret these years I have spent with my kids. I will never get this time back and I have enjoyed every minute of it.
You can also do a few hours volunteering to keep you involved in the local community. Volunteer work is great as you are helping people, and getting valuable experience for your CV later on.

It’s crazy that you feel guilty or feel the need to answer to people about this. It is about what you and your family want and need. If you don’t need to work for financial reasons, then I’d say absolutely take advantage of this time and do the home improvements etc and also, why on earth should any mother feel guilty for having some chill time during the week?? Presumably you do a lot for the kids before and after school and at weekends so I think anyone who gives you a hard time about your situation is probably just a little envious! Enjoy x

agree re looking after your own financial security, but not giving a stuff about other people.

Might you be able to do something on a self-employed basis? I've been s/e for the last 10 years. Definitely some disadvantages, and I'm a long way off my first million... but apart from anything else, it's good for my mental health. Happy clients say the nicest things!

Your reasons for not working sound absolutely sensible to me. Who exactly are these “people” whose opinions you are worried about? Outside my family, close friends and workmates, I don’t think most people I encounter would know whether I worked or not. Remember not all working hours are 9 to 5 so just seeing you about in the daytime would not automatically mean you didn’t have a job.

Are there specific people whose opinions you worry about? If so, and they are close enough to you, talk to them and explain what you have said here. If they are not close enough for you to have that conversation with them their opinion should not matter a jot. And I suspect that most will not have any opinion at all, you are probably just projecting your own doubts.

Keep doing what’s best for your family. Their opinions are the only ones that count.