Being a stay at home mum with both kids in school.

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At least for a little while anyway ^ I’ve pretty much been a stay at home mum since DS was born. He’s 8 and DD is just 4 and has just started school, both have additional needs.

Everyone keeps asking when I’m going back to work. I plan to at some point, but myself and OH have decided I’m going to have a while of me being at home for a variety or reasons - DC have additional needs, there’s a chance DD might end up doing part time hours if she cannot manage full days so I cannot commit to anything yet, both DC have apps, meetings, reviews etc so finding a job that will be understanding of this would be hard I imagine. My Oh works long hours but finding a job around his hours is really hard. Fortunately he earns a wage we can survive on. We aren’t rich but we are comfortable, own our own home, we do get DLA for DC but don’t receive any financial help apart from that.

I feel this sense of guilt that I’m going to be home whilst the kids are at school? I’m certainly not going to sit around doing nothing. I have loads of decorating and home improvements to do. I’m worried people will think bad of me because I don’t work. I plan to do loads around the house and I also clean my grandparents house once a week for them so there will be very little chill time still.

When I do go back to work, how do I manage in the school holidays? No family can have Dc and there aren’t really any childcare options where I live (middle of nowhere). So this is my biggest downfall of working!

Other people’s opinions about SAHM is the least of your problems if you are unmarried and not independently comfortably off. It is essential that you protect your financial future OP. It is not in his financial interests to marry you and you really must address this as soon as possible.

Yeah, not everyone is lucky enough to have support there to be able to do that
Yeah, very aware of that as I was a single parent (no father - conceived by rape) and no family or other support. I was replying to the person who seems to think working parents are imcapable of being there for their children.

When I do return, I will be getting a role that fits around my son and the school holidays. Is there any vacancies at a school locally where you could pick up a few hours. if and only if you want to.

I would say if you don't have your own wealth behind you, you are best getting married as it gives you a bit of security, but still your decision as I'm sure you are aware of the risks, the majority of women are now.

Don't get dragged into the derogatory arguments of working parents vs SAHP, just make an informed decision that's best for you and your family and ignore anyone else getting on their soap boxes.

Agree with everyone else, it is absolutely your decision whether or not work but please, get married. You don't need a big, fancy wedding, just have a register office ceremony to give you legal protection. It really is very important.

I was a SAHM for 12 years but I was married & made sure I kept my NI contributions up to date to safeguard my pension.

My DS has additional needs. Luckily I work part-time from home and I know that we would never have coped logistically / emotionally if I'd had to use childcare. I know not everyone has a choice, but take advantage of being able to be a SAHM.

I'm a SAHM with both DC's in school, one of whom is autistic and I completely hear where you're coming from.
I have worked part-time since they went to school but due to a long-term neurological condition had to give up working last year. DH has a very good job and we are fortunate enough to be able to live comfortably on his salary.

The thing is, I feel guilty that I'm in this situation: guilty because I really enjoy running my home, menu planning, food shopping, laundry, dog walking, you name it!
I love project planning whatever needs to be done: decluttering, birthdays, home improvement, keeping up with both DC's homework.
More importantly, my DC's have told me how much they love me being here when they come home from school. They are both at senior school so they walk in and verbally download their days to me.
I also am able to volunteer in my community, which I really enjoy.

I would echo what everyone else has said, if it's right for your family, carry on. We really do have our DC's at home and dependent on us for a relatively short time.
It's certainly right for mine.

You need to start work on your CV asap and start applying for jobs.

Speak to your OP tonight and say that if the SAHP is so essential for your family is he's willing to do it for a few years whilst you get your career going again? If not he needs to marry you ideally within the next few weeks. No romance involved here, it's a legal practicality.

I hope you at least own a share of the house you live in with a legal document outlining your proportion of ownership or you are in very risky waters indeed.

When I do go back to work, how do I manage in the school holidays? No family can have Dc and there aren’t really any childcare options that take SN children

This^

Also child care for older children is hard to find. You’re used to being there and they are used to having you so why upset everyone.

You can wait and find something that suits your family, no need to explain yourself.

It's an absolute nightmare if you don't have family support or money to throw at the situation.

This is true, yet working gives you money to throw at the situation

As a slight aside, don’t always assume that when people ask they are making judgements. I ask people these questions (men and women) not because I’m judging or nosey but because I’m making conversation and I am interested in you if you are my friend / colleague etc. If someone said their child was starting school then I would make conversation about that which might including which school, are they looking forward to it and phrases such as “will you go back to work” or “will you stay at home” but I don’t mean anything by it, just showing interest. Sometimes posts like these make me worry that you can barely say a word to people these days without causing offence. No wonder the art of conversation is dying!!

I second this. I think a lot of the "judgement" is perceived and driven by paranoia, not actually there at all.

If you're happy, fulfilled and secure for now and the future, don't worry about what anyone thinks!

If you're eventually planning to go back to work, is there anything you could put a little time towards now that would help you when the time comes? E.g. online courses, networking, doing odd jobs

That might put your mind at ease if you're worried. It's a good opportunity.

I'm in a very similar position - about a year behind you. DS is 7, he is neurotypical but has some minor medical issues requiring appointments etc. DD is 3 and in her final year of preschool, she has significant diagnosed additional needs - physical, mental and educational. She is currently attending a wonderful preschool part time and I spend all my 'free' time chasing appointments, EHCP etc. She is due to start full time school next September and I'm already hearing people 'wonder' if I will go back to work then but I know she might need extra help settling, she has frequent appointments (currently averages one a week) and she gets more illnesses and bugs and they last longer than a typical child. Plus no childcare will accept her without a one-2-one (funded by us). So it just doesn't make sense. We can fortunately afford for me to stay home, and I want to. I'm going to have to learn to ignore the naysayers - just as you are I think.

Do precisely what’s right for you and your family OP. Don’t feel an ounce of guilt.

Absolutely do not feel guilty at all.

You are doing what is right for you and your family. (Yes, ideally get married but if it's not what you want, don't)
It is incredibly hard (I can only talk in our area) to find help for additional needs children in the school holidays, and even if you can find it, it takes a massive chunk of your salary to be able to afford it with very limited spaces. All that aside

you don't have to justify it, it's a choice you have made together, as a family. I'm assuming you are aware of any risk and as you are the one who actually knows your situation( more so than nosey 'friends") , have weighed up the risk.

Enjoy your time and don't feel guilty, have some time for yourself (if you can) and just do what works, sod everyone else and their opinion.

Don’t feel guilty; but do make sure you sort out your pension. Save for you as well as your DH. Very important.

I'm with Hooferdoofer here- you need some kind of work for your own financial independence...what if something were to happen? You'd be screwed. (I'm going back to work next month when my LO is 9 months, because of this.)

LoveB possibly I am fortunate. But to be honest I worked very hard to get to where I am for myself and my son. It was a very long and difficult road to get here.

Onetoughmudder, what will you do about a pension, though? And finance independence? Genuine questions.

I always think you have to ask yourself if you could survive independently, could your husband? Yes. Could you? If yes go for it. If you have savings, decent pension etc . Otherwise you are leaving yourself vulnerable. If you are prepared to take that risk and you’ve weighed up how you’ll manage if you were to find yourself alone then go for it. It does sound like you’re trying to convince yourself that being at home is the right thing and that part of you deep down feels like you are letting yourself down. It’s very hard because it’s tempting to give 110 percent to your family whilst they are growing up. Husbands rarely do as they’d be working regardless and they get to further their career. Try to keep something back for yourself. Could you or you’d husband try to split working and childcare?

tell people straight as your child has special needs you are not a SAHM you are a carer,even better if you are receiving carers allowance as its classed as a paid job

i always tell people no im not a sahm or unemployed im my user name and my kids are 15 and 9.same with my partner as he does the same as me(we get carers allowance each)

Also if kids are at school you aren’t a stay at home mum you’re a stay at home person or unemployed or not working.

Yes stay at home and do you get carers allowance? Check your NI contributons for pension etc.
I have a son with high functioning autism. There is extremely limited childcare/holiday club provision for children with SEN and none at all as they get older. My son is now in yr8 at secondary but i would not be able to leave him home alone yet. I am lucky i work PT and short hours so i am at home for 3pm when he gets back from school. I juggle work and kids and it is very stressful. If you dont have to work then its your choice.

This is true, yet working gives you money to throw at the situation

Not always. For example, if I had a job paying £200k, I could afford a nanny who would be able to cover later evening, earlier mornings, child sickness etc...if the nanny was sick, I could throw money at an agency to provide a temporary nanny. The nanny could take the DC to after school activities. They could ensure the DC had dinner and get them ready for bed.

If I'm earning £20k...I'd have to put my DC in a breakfast club/after school club. This ends at 6pm which might not be late enough. My DC wouldn't be able to do extra curricular activities. In school holidays, I'd have to find a club which fits in with working hours plus commute time. If the children were unwell, I'd have to take time off. All these things would cost a large proportion of my salary and also cause considerable stress.

OP isn’t married and we don’t know if the house is in her partner’s name only.

Being a sahm isn’t her problem it’s the fact that she has no financial security if it hits the fan

Don't worry about having to label yourself, I mean seriously who really cares what their friends 'title" is and if they do they are not your friends and not worth worrying about,