Being a stay at home mum with both kids in school.

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At least for a little while anyway ^ I’ve pretty much been a stay at home mum since DS was born. He’s 8 and DD is just 4 and has just started school, both have additional needs.

Everyone keeps asking when I’m going back to work. I plan to at some point, but myself and OH have decided I’m going to have a while of me being at home for a variety or reasons - DC have additional needs, there’s a chance DD might end up doing part time hours if she cannot manage full days so I cannot commit to anything yet, both DC have apps, meetings, reviews etc so finding a job that will be understanding of this would be hard I imagine. My Oh works long hours but finding a job around his hours is really hard. Fortunately he earns a wage we can survive on. We aren’t rich but we are comfortable, own our own home, we do get DLA for DC but don’t receive any financial help apart from that.

I feel this sense of guilt that I’m going to be home whilst the kids are at school? I’m certainly not going to sit around doing nothing. I have loads of decorating and home improvements to do. I’m worried people will think bad of me because I don’t work. I plan to do loads around the house and I also clean my grandparents house once a week for them so there will be very little chill time still.

When I do go back to work, how do I manage in the school holidays? No family can have Dc and there aren’t really any childcare options where I live (middle of nowhere). So this is my biggest downfall of working!

It's got nothing to do with anyone else whether or not you return to work.
If it's working for you and your family carry on doing it. You don't need to explain your decision or justify it to anyone else.
I work part time and have no intention of returning to full time work when my DD is older. Probably some people at work will think I'm not taking my career seriously and some people at school will think I'm not putting my child first. Fuck em.

I've been a sahm since Dd1 was born 11 years ago. My youngest is 9. Eldest has ASD and would never manage after school club or holiday clubs so I'll be off work at least until she's old enough to be left alone for a whole day. That may go out the window if I end up having to home school her.

It's absolutely zero to do with anyone else, if it's working for you that's all that matters. When they ask about when you are returning to work just say I am not because I don't need to, that will shut them up!

YANBU. I have two DC, one with ASD. I have survived in work by having an awesome childminder and supportive parents and in-laws. I’ve got a 70% contract NHS desk job and have been allowed some flexibility to attend meetings and appointments. It has still been really difficult staying in work, I am exhausted. If I wasn’t working now and we could manage comfortably on one salary I wouldn’t be looking for a job.

I find it so irritating that women (myself included) feel guilty for not returning to work. We shouldn't feel guilty! We're there for our children (and husband/partner) at the drop of a hat! We aren't stressed out by a job that takes up too much of our time. (Obviously this all depends on financial security/having a partner etc and we're lucky to be in this position). Please do what's best for your family and please don't feel guilty about it - you are giving up your independence to take care of your family and I think that's wonderful.

Don't feel guilty if it's right for you and your family. However I would just make these points:

Make sure you are either married or have some kind of financial independence/security, as you are making yourself more and more vulnerable the longer you stay out of the workplace otherwise.

I have known/come across several women who have done this, and then once children are teenagers, find themselves at a bit of a loose end, lacking purpose, feeling they don't contribute, then start looking for work and find this extremely difficult as they've been out of the workplace for perhaps 15-20 years.

Feeling guilty and worrying about what people think of you is completely pointless.

Stop trying to justify why you are a SAHM, so what if you have 2 children in school? You do what works for your family, don't worry about everyone else.

The secret is this, you will never please everybody all of the time so do what you want. People get judged for working, working part-time and not working. Stop hanging around with people who are judging your decisions. Surround yourself with people who understand that everyone has a different life, and they are supportive of that.

I have been a SAHM for 15 years. My youngest is 13. The children are healthy, Dh is healthy, I am not. But my disability is invisible. When I am very poorly I don't leave my bed never mind the house. But by being a SAHM my condition is almost symptom free.

I usually find those judgey arseholes are the first ones to ask you to collect their child when they are running late for school pick up you know because you don't work.

Don't waste your energy feeling guilty! I get shitty comments because I work full time, my friend gets shitty comments for being a sahp and my other friend gets shitty comments for working part time!

None of my male friends have such comments.

If strangers ask you just make up really obscure job titles. If it's friends and family just say you're fed up of people asking or your family is happy with the current set up.

Do what is best for you as a family, and don't feel guilty. Unfortunately by the sounds of things you may not be able to have much choice in the matter anyway, since from what you say the childcare isn't there for you to work even if you want to. But that's even more reason not to feel guilty.

Don't worry about it. I'm a sahm. 4 dc, 2 with sen.

"Sorry I'm late, my son refused to go to school"
"I need X time off for CAMHS appt"
"I need Y time off for paeds appt"
"I need Z time off for school meeting"
"I need to leave early/come in late, school want to see me".
"Dd is refusing to get dressed, I'll be there as soon as I can get there".

Whilst I am a hard worker, diligent etc, and I'd like to say reliable. The truth is our family situation means employers will look at me and compared to someone who doesn't need time off for various appointments, I am the less favourable choice.

And this is with children who, at present, are small enough (just) to put over my shoulder and walk to school.

We took the decision that as dh is the higher earner, we would protect his income. He attends appointments when he is able but the bulk fall to me.

There are people who will judge. They may well be jealous. As long as your situation works for you, it's of no concern to anyone else.

I find it so irritating that women (myself included) feel guilty for not returning to work. We shouldn't feel guilty! We're there for our children (and husband/partner) at the drop of a hat! We aren't stressed out by a job that takes up too much of our time
For the love of God don't turn out like this though. It is just as valid a life choice to work as it is to not work, and everything in between. It's just another example of women putting other women down. Plenty of fathers work full time and people don't accuse them of not being there or being too stressed.

Fwiw I worked hard as a single parent to get to a high enough position where I make the decision to leave work if my son is poorly or I can work flexibly if there is something happening at his school. Many mothers and fathers split the days when their children are ill so are able to be there when needed. I'm assuming they're not chained to their workplace. And I love my job so I'm not stressed. Plenty of parents enjoy work. Plenty of parents enioy being a sahp. If you and your partner are happy in your choices you don't need to worry about anyone else. Equally if people are comfortable in their own choices they don't feel the need to judge others.

I needed to read this thread today. Similar situation although my kids do not have SN. But I’ve not worked since the first one was born over 7 years ago. And the youngest has just started school. Today is her first full day and I feel a bit lost. I intend on getting back to work of some sort but know it’ll be hard to find something that fits. No family local to help with the kids and DH is often away with irregular work hours. So I have to be here for the children. And like you OP there ate loads of jobs to do around the house at the moment so it’s not like I have nothing else to do. But I feel guilty and hate having to chat about my life choices to the new reception parents! Always find myself justifying things. Anyway, not sure why I’m posting, just so you know you’re not alone.

Women can’t win. Do what you want to do and don’t set about justifying it to anyone.

Absolutely this.

People will make judgements. I'm in the same boat, and do freelancing where I can however currently it's few and far between. I've been job hunting for over a year - all jobs, ALL, I;ve looked at that are part time, have all stated "minimum hours" plus "expected hours" on top of that, so whilst they've been advertising say 8 hours per weeks, they then add on, "must also be available to be flexible and work night shifts/weekends" etc. As dh is abroad a lot, I can;t even do the night shifts, so turned to freelance. How strange it is though that other women are satisfied with my "freelance" answer, even though I'm being paid pittance.

Women can’t win. Do what you want to do and don’t set about justifying it to anyone

^^ Absolutely this, over and over and over.

Many mothers and fathers split the days when their children are ill so are able to be there when needed

Yeah, not everyone is lucky enough to have support there to be able to do that.

THEY think you should be back at work. What do YOU think? No one else’s opinion is relevant...

I really wouldn't care what anybody else thinks. You don't have to justify your decision to anyone.

Please don't feel guilty for not working, you are doing what is right for your family and yourself.

You will never do the "right" thing by everybody so just do what's right for you and your family. It really is no one else's business what you do.

I have a question to other posters referring to the way that people are judged no matter what they choose, and the “shitty comments” that people get....I read about this sort of stuff a lot. Who is making these comments? The overwhelming opinion again and again on here is “commenting is rude, you don’t know the whole story, keep your nose out”. I am not talking about online anonymous comments, I am talking about people who are actually prepared to say these things to a person’s face. Does this really, honestly happen? When did people get so rude? When did you last say something like that to anyone or actually hear such a comment being made?

Not suggesting that others are lying but I have honestly never seen, experienced or overheard it.

My 2p is that I’m in the same boat as you but made working work right up to SN dd turned 16 don’t get me wrong, hours reduced and reduced as the older the child gets the harder it is to find employment to fit around them

Your SN child is born and there’s a good chance depending on the SN They can go to paid nursery for a ton of hours while you work, then there’s breakfast and after school clubs at primary allowing you to only work full time term time, then the child moves to comp where there’s a level of independence expected so no more extended provision so you’ve basically got 9.30 to 2.30 term time only. Then towards the end of comp you find out that SN college is only 3 days a week so your available hours to work are eg mon to wed 9.30 to 2.30 term time!!!

Unless you’ve worked in a job for hundreds of years and you’re respected and valued enough to have been allowed to change hours over that time period, where on earth do you find a job for those hours!!! Hence why I’ve given up work now

Don't feel guilty. Do what feels best for you.

Most comments are derived from jealousy. Just do what you want to do.

Having a DC that won't cope in wraparound/holiday club care and struggle enough with a school week is exhausting, and non-crap term time school hours only jobs are very thin on the ground. A couple of SAHP around us have gone down the teaching assistant road & found that quite good for getting part time hours, but clearly it is hardly big bucks.

The only thing I'd think about is whether you can retrain for a career with workload flexibility for when you do get to that point - I've not found the right idea yet.

A lot of thinking about what other people will say is your own internal voice talking to you in a negative way - ignore it.

Last year I needed 25 days "off" for appointments, plus another 10 half days for meetings in school.