Being a stay at home mum with both kids in school.

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At least for a little while anyway ^ I’ve pretty much been a stay at home mum since DS was born. He’s 8 and DD is just 4 and has just started school, both have additional needs.

Everyone keeps asking when I’m going back to work. I plan to at some point, but myself and OH have decided I’m going to have a while of me being at home for a variety or reasons - DC have additional needs, there’s a chance DD might end up doing part time hours if she cannot manage full days so I cannot commit to anything yet, both DC have apps, meetings, reviews etc so finding a job that will be understanding of this would be hard I imagine. My Oh works long hours but finding a job around his hours is really hard. Fortunately he earns a wage we can survive on. We aren’t rich but we are comfortable, own our own home, we do get DLA for DC but don’t receive any financial help apart from that.

I feel this sense of guilt that I’m going to be home whilst the kids are at school? I’m certainly not going to sit around doing nothing. I have loads of decorating and home improvements to do. I’m worried people will think bad of me because I don’t work. I plan to do loads around the house and I also clean my grandparents house once a week for them so there will be very little chill time still.

When I do go back to work, how do I manage in the school holidays? No family can have Dc and there aren’t really any childcare options where I live (middle of nowhere). So this is my biggest downfall of working!

OP I feel the same as you. I’m a single mum of 2 dd’s with additional needs (one severe ASD), I do now have a part time job but I get grief from a family member for scrounging and not working full time, i did tell them that if they look after my severely autistic child during school holidays I would happily work 😁. I get carers allowance for dd2 and both dc’s receive DLA so I can just about manage working part time.

My youngest dc doesn’t always sleep and is often up at 5am every morning (as well as waking during the night), I don’t think I could manage a full time job on little sleep.

You do what your DH and you feel is right for your family

Sounds like you're still needed at home. With shopping, cooking, cleaning, laundry, school drop offs and pick ups, school meetings, concerts, assemblies, plays, sports days, parent-helping on trips, helping with reading, spellings, tables, bath-time, play dates, after school taxi-ing... you're hardly sitting around painting your nails all day are you? If you join the PTA or offer to volunteer with in-class reading people might stop asking.

I can only imagine how hard having two kids with additional needs is, if you need the extra time to yourself it's really no one else's business.

Also I just want to point out that it's completely acceptable to be a sahm even if your children don't have additional needs. It's like you have to provide that information to justify your decision but you don't.
It doesn't matter what needs they have, how many kids you have or their ages just do you.

I'm REALLY fed up of us women (or men) being judged for choosing to stay at home. It's got to stop.

I notice you say OH and not DH. Are you married?

I find it so bizarre that so many people think that children starting school means that you can suddenly start working. Schools start at 8.45/9 and finish 3ish, there are inset days, sickness, strikes and 14 week's holiday to deal with...that's without factoring in additional needs. It's an absolute nightmare if you don't have family support or money to throw at the situation.

If you’re not married, and not independently wealthy, SAH for any length of time is unwise.

Do exactly as you want to - and ignore everyone else's advice or opinion. People who judge or comment based on your being at work as opposed to a SAHM are not worth your time worrying about.

just wonder what all those who suggest at least a part time job think the OP can find one?

with disabled children, there often is no access to wrap around and school holiday childcare. appointments during the day, meetings, picking kids up early in case of crisis.

where do those jobs exist? I really would need one of those myself.

Thanks all. No we are not married which I know isn’t ideal but we will one day.

In the meantime, you are personally taking a massive financial risk. While your DP maintains his personal earning power.

Get married asap. No party or expense necessary.

You aren’t married?!!! I’m not being mean but this is not a very smart plan.

He can make an official commitment then make this decisions

I don’t know why work is only considered valuable if it brings in money. Looking after your children and doing the multitude of things around the house that need doing is valuable. I had a friend who did this the whole time her DC were in school. That way, their weekends were not full of cleaning, repair work and other household chores - they had time to do fun things together as a family. Who cares what other people think.

agreed, you need the protection of marriage. otherwise I would go back to work full-time and let him deal with the DC.

your setup make sense but you are very vulnerable right now.

Either change your marital or your employment status.

I don’t know why work is only considered valuable if it brings in money. Looking after your children and doing the multitude of things around the house that need doing is valuable.

Indeed, but that doesn’t pay into a pension. OP as an unmarried woman is leaving herself in an extremely vulnerable position.

do you rent or own? if own, who is the owner?

Ah.

Other people's opinions aren't important but doing what you can to protect/ insure your future is.

Your own pension is even more important if you aren't married. Ideally get married in a simple registry office way without guests, you can have the party "one day" but if you don't do that ensure wills are up to date, house is in both names, and pension is even more important.

Do what works for you and only think about your family when making decisions on work- how it will affect you, your partner and children. Do not include nosy 'friends' opinions when deciding when/if it is best to go back to work

OP is the house in his name only?

I've been a SAHM for 11 years now, mainly due to DC3 having ASD and severe LD's meaning lots of issues at school, being excluded and not having a school to go to, meetings, appointments etc.

I absolutely don't care what anyone thinks and I wouldn't give them an opportunity to tell me!

I spent 3 hours at the gym today including swimming and using the spa, had a leisurely lunch, quickly tidied round the house then watched a few episodes of a boxset before doing the school run.

That's a typical day for me. DH works long hours but has at least one day off in the week as he often works weekends so we go to the gym together then go back to bed for a few hours. Couldn't do that if I was working too!

I think other people's opinions on SAHM's should be the least of your worries! Other people's judgements won't affect your life in any significant way but by being an unmarried long term SAHM you've put yourself in a very vulnerable position.

Oh and I agree. You need to get married ASAP. You never know what's round the corner.

I’d happily be a SAHM if circumstances allowed. I think there are a lot of benefits to a parent being home even when the children start school.

I've always worked. It's harder working when they are at school. If you are happy at home and can afford it then don't get a job.