Being a stay at home mum with both kids in school.

[CBCB7992]

At least for a little while anyway ^ I’ve pretty much been a stay at home mum since DS was born. He’s 8 and DD is just 4 and has just started school, both have additional needs.

Everyone keeps asking when I’m going back to work. I plan to at some point, but myself and OH have decided I’m going to have a while of me being at home for a variety or reasons - DC have additional needs, there’s a chance DD might end up doing part time hours if she cannot manage full days so I cannot commit to anything yet, both DC have apps, meetings, reviews etc so finding a job that will be understanding of this would be hard I imagine. My Oh works long hours but finding a job around his hours is really hard. Fortunately he earns a wage we can survive on. We aren’t rich but we are comfortable, own our own home, we do get DLA for DC but don’t receive any financial help apart from that.

I feel this sense of guilt that I’m going to be home whilst the kids are at school? I’m certainly not going to sit around doing nothing. I have loads of decorating and home improvements to do. I’m worried people will think bad of me because I don’t work. I plan to do loads around the house and I also clean my grandparents house once a week for them so there will be very little chill time still.

When I do go back to work, how do I manage in the school holidays? No family can have Dc and there aren’t really any childcare options where I live (middle of nowhere). So this is my biggest downfall of working!

You shouldn’t worry so much about the opinions of others, you’re doing your best.

Do what suits you but do think about when they are older and more expensive. I'm glad I kept my hand in even though the early years were so tough as now we'd really struggled to pay for them on just one wage. It never occurred to me how expensive things would get later.

I've just resigned due to dc needing their mum around. Not SEN but a lot going on at the moment.
I will be looking for something that is more family friendly hours but not until dc are settled.
You make the right decision for you and your family, sod everyone else.

Do what suits you but do think about when they are older and more expensive.

the older children with SN get, the harder it gets to work. nursery us easy when they are little. primary gets harder, once they get to secondary age, there is no school holiday childcare available anymore as it all seems to stop after primary and once they get to college, they are at home half of the week and after that, full time..

What do people actually think happens when children with SN grow up.

I've got people asking me when I'm going to work more hours. I currently do 2 full days. I'm a lone parent (through difficult and upsetting circumstances not choice) with an adult child with ASD who lives at home and depends on me, a junior school child with ASD who is very hard work and a preschooler. It's a constant round of either work or ferrying people to and from appointments, placements etc, dealing with prescriptions, sorting out finances for DS1 and more. I don't like these people's implication that I'm lazy. Yes I get tax credits but it would cost far more for the help that I give my boys to be provided professionally. We use PIP to pay a PA to help out with DS1 a little bit, it's £15 an hour. OP, people will always judge and try to interfere. Unless they've lived your life they can't know what is best. I do agree with those saying don't leave yourself vulnerable though.

I have a friend who has been a SAHM since her children were born. The youngest is now 11. Her partner works 12hr days 5 days a week, they are in a lot of debt, then comes home and cooks dinner, and does the best share of the cleaning. Her excuse is that she has an underachieve thyroid, yet somehow this doesn't stop her going to parties etc. She said she would have to find a job within school hours which was impossible - so I literally found her one that would let her do 5 days a week 10-2 (cleaning at the local shopping centre) and she said that's not her thing. So selfish.

YOU are not like that. You have a genuine, legitimate reason to stay at home, and your husband earns enough to keep you comfortable. You have nothing at all to feel guilty about, and it doesn't matter what anyone else says, so never listen.

I have a 5 yr in special school & no family back up. We didn’t realise until DC2 arrived (2yr) and going back to my job, with the commute etc plus as you say all the meetings paperwork etc involved with additional needs - it’s impossible.

I had a decent part time job. I never dreamt I wouldn’t be going back.

It’s hard & lonely but I hope that when both in school I will enjoy the peace & her to recharge. the last 2/3 years have been horrendous for our family, in particular me.

It’s really no ones business OP.

OP this sounds very tough and you have nothing to feel guilty about.
Its just chat, no one is judging you .
Most judgement comes from ourselves.

I really do think you need to protect yourself for the future though.
All the "they must be jealous" comments .
Seriously ? Have you read the OP

If you can afford it well go ahead and 🖕🏼 To those asking when you are going back to work.

Thanks all. We are lucky we can live on one wage. We have a nice home, we can afford to eat well and the bills are paid, the kids have nice clothes, we have to run two cars and we live in the middle of nowhere and don’t have too much debt but it doesn’t leave much for luxuries (haven’t had a holiday in 5 years because of a mix of DS not being able to manage and not being able to afford one in the school holidays). We aren’t living the high life but certainly able to get by without getting into debt.

A second wage would be nice to perhaps enjoy a holiday or some more days out etc but I’m going to enjoy some ‘me time’ for a while (something I’ve never really had until DD started school). I’m going to do a thorough spring clean of the house, do some decorating and hopefully some chill time as well.

I am missing DD already though. I don’t have many close friends where I live and we did everything together 😭 OH is at work my family only live 30 minutes away but have their own commitments!

Just say.... I’m not. No justification needed, and no further explanation either. It is your family business and therefore nothing to do with anyone else.

You personally can’t afford to be financially dependent on your DP, when you’re not married.

I'm n the same position...three kids all with physical disabilities and 4-8 hospital appointments every week, sometimes 2-3 in the same day.
The eldest two are at college and youngest is starting school this year after them all being home-educated.
When people ask what I'm going to do with myself, I remind them I am still their full time carer, that doesn't stop when they go to school!
But I still feel guilty...this morning I got the girls up and ready for college, made breakfast, brushed and styled hair, helped with clothes and shoes, helped with splints and braces, got them in the car on time, their dad drove them in. Then I made DS's breakfast, helped him dress, etc. (he's recovering from surgery, starting school next month) emptied and reloaded dishwasher, got dinner in the slow cooker, washed down surfaces, hung out two loads of washing and put two more loads in, fed the dogs, cleaned up a lizard poo!, paid a bill and checked bank accounts online, replied and sent some emails relating to the kids health/college, updated our appointments diary...I just sat down with a coffee and feel guilty that I am 'doing nothing' and not going out to work. I need to snap out of it!
I am planning on deep cleaning the whole house when all three kids are out all day.

Ditch the guilt. However, you do need to safeguard yourself, financially. Sort out that pension now (putting it off is expensive) and set a date for the wedding. It can be done for £60 in the registry office, with a pub meal afterwards if necessary. If you can't afford those two things, you can't afford to be a SAHM.

Death, disability and divorce do happen, sadly.

CBCB7992 do think about keeping up your national insurance and setting up a private pension though.

Nobody's asking you to justify yourself, but to protect yourself as an unmarried woman who's in a potentially very vulnerable position.

Is the house in both your names? Is your OH's will up to date and do you have a copy? Does he have life insurance?

Even though the OP is sticking her head in the sand, if other people are reading this then please don’t make yourself financially vulnerable. If you are having his children then you need to be married, not because of some outdated notion but for practice financial reasons. Ops partner can get up and leave anytime and pay the minimum maintenance, not to mention the housing situation of potentially being homeless.

Don’t let that happen to you.