To not think this is weird?

[ExpertPuppy]

On my name changed account for this.

My son is 19 and is a single dad to a 2 year old girl (mum isn't on the scene) and she lives with us permanently.

So occasionally if GD won't sleep in her own room and wants son. He puts her in his bed and lies next to her until she goes to sleep and then he leaves her there. But when he goes to bed he co sleeps with her and doesn't move her back to her own room.

When he did this before when a family member was visiting she said it's weird.

Do you think this is weird?

@TabbyMumz There is no evidence about anything concerning SIDS, since noone knows why it happens. Hence it's called SIDS. The only things that have been figured out are correlations, and these correlations suggest that co-sleeping, when done correctly, reduces the occurabce of SID, presumable because the noise and movements made by the adults next to them "encourage" the baby to keep breathing.

He’s 19, she can hardly stop him. Do PPs really think the little 2 year old would be safer if OP threw them both out on the street?!

I think the two year old would be safer if she threw HIM out. Yes

It’s entirely because of your granddaughter you need to kick him out. A drunken druggie isn’t a good role model and you enabling it isn’t helping any of you.

I told him to get some counselling but he said no because they would get ss involved and she would probably be taken off him.

I know I shouldn't buy stuff for her that he should but he doesn't get much money as it is and he just spends it.

He doesn't ask me to have her most the time he just says he's going out

So cocaine once or twice a week and drinking 4 nights a week!? That's most nights each week.
If you'd said a spliff then fair enough but not as often as that - (I think marijuana should be legalised anyway) but cocaine at the very least is a risk to his nostrils and at worst death.

I've coslept with DC for a long time. It bothers ILs as they want GC in their own bed so they can babysit and they don't think it's normal either as SIL didn't do it. However, DN went to bed at 11pm regularly and was up all night with SIL struggling physically and emotionally. What they don't realise is that I need and want my own space in a bed too. If there is a reason my DC has a bad night or wakes up past 2am, then it's fine to get in my bed and stay there until the morning - it won't be forever! Before that, it was my bed for naps and nighttime sleep as a constantly tired parent is not at all a good situation for either parent or child and that's how it was before. No one has the right to judge father or mother if they do it safely.

However, your son is doing drugs and is drinking on a regular basis, so I would question his judgement. Also, if he's smoking regularly (normal tobacco or drugs) then that's a reason why he shouldn't cosleep right there. How do you know he's not cosleeping when he comes back? Do you watch him all night?

I question his judgement and stability as a parent, he's extremely irresponsible and you say he has no money for his own place but he never will if he has these habits which I assume are addictions. If his friends just give it to him as he says I'd also question whether he could potentially be groomed into selling too because he could suddenly find himself indebted to them. I do hope you plan on guardianship, it sounds like she needs protecting in the long term. If he were to up and leave overnight, would you trust him to take care of your grandchild on his own? Would you trust that he wouldn't do that with her at home because he wasn't able to go out?

As a parent with a DH, I still don't go out often. You kind of adjust to being there for your child more than your own needs and that is especially so for single parents.

No idea if he's dealing and I hope he isn't.

I find it disturbing that a 2 yo is that emotionally dependant on a father, who takes drugs and drinks several times a week. By looking after your dd for him to go out drinking regularly and taking cocaine, you are part of the problem. You are enabling your son as well as prioritising him over a tiny child. This is horrible to read. I’m also surprised your gd doesn’t see you as a constant and happy to spend alone time with you.

As for co sleeping. That really isn’t a worry to me as long as no drugs or alcohol are involved.

I would be livid at the person saying it. What are they suggesting?

He goes out when he takes drugs or drinks and he only goes out if she goes down to sleep ok.

Oh well that's ok, it's not in the house and the child is asleep, crack on son, shove all your money up your nose! Poor little girl. Have you not thought about taking on his child full time and leaving him to get on with his drug taking and drinking? It doesn't sound like the sort of thing a baby should be around, he sounds quite reckless even if it is "recreational" drug taking.

Co-sleeping is fine, assuming he isn't off his face.

Poor child.

He’s 19, she can hardly stop him. Do PPs really think the little 2 year old would be safer if OP threw them both out on the street?!

Rubbish, at 19yo and under her roof she can enforce house rules including responsibilities and behaviours.

Who said anything about throwing them both out? Only one would be bouncing along the street. Do you really think social services would let him take his DD in this situation. I’d actually tell him counselling would be the least of his worries as far as SS goes as I’d ring them myself the minute he stepped out the door. All this poffle about him getting everything for free and not having friends otherwise if he didn’t do this is mind bending and doing him absolutely no favours.

Co sleeping is not weird. But he needs to do better for his daughter and you need to tell him so. I would threaten to kick him out if he doesn’t go to uni/do some kind of study/get a proper job.

Not weird to co-sleep but this set up is totally dysfunctional. Your son took in a baby at 17 because her mother didn't want her. I think SS would be involved tbh. If not why not? Does't ring true.

Co sleeping with Dad is not weird and there won’t be much/any SIDS risk at age 2. Our son likes to crawl into our bed at night and I am fairly sure he doesn’t distinguish between Mummy and Daddy as to which one of us is the main draw.

When GD was a baby was her Mum still in the picture? I ask because of course it’s recommended the child sleep in the same room as a parent up to at least 6 months anyway so wondering if your DS also did that for her?

The drinking and drugs are worrying but I would be out of my depth commenting on that so will leave to others who are better qualified to do so. Good luck OP, you sound like a lovely Mum/Gran.

Co-sleeping is not odd. My DD is 8 and still prefers to sleep in my bed. When she stays over with my her Dad she often sleeps in his bed. she has her own room in both houses and we both encourage her to sleep in it but she says she gets lonely! Sometimes she creeps in in the middle of the night and I don't realise she is in my bed until I wake up the next morning! I don't think it is odd.

I told him to get some counselling but he said no because they would get ss involved and she would probably be taken off him.

Social services should be involved, he knows what he's doing is wrong and you are enabling him. Somehow your son thinks this is normal and your granddaughter will think so too.

Tell him you won't look after her except by prior arrangement.
Everyone deserves some time off but not drinking and drugs to that degree when you're a parent.

To answer your disingenuous OP no I don't see a problem with co sleeping.

I see a huge problem with this excuse for a father looking after this innocent child.

No, she's 2. DS2 falls asleep in bed with me and he's 8.

SS aren't involved because GDs mum told son she was going to put her up for adoption but son told her not to.

Is your son bringing her up or are you?

4 out of 7 nights a week he's drinking and doing drugs? What happens if she wakes up for him in the night? Does he leave her in her own bed on those nights?

Hi OP this isn’t healthy at all as anyone knows it. He should not be using drugs that much. Drugs are very much on the rise and are hidden from parents in plain sight. Many of you who have both girls and boys 17-25 and older, a lot will unfortunately whether you want to believe it or not, take drugs. It’s a harsh reality, I was very very surprised in how many people actually do it.

He is in a situation where he probably feels entitled for ‘stepping up’. But he hasn’t done that really has he. And just because he is a father and not a mother should this not be deemed less serious. If a mother acted like this SS would already be involved.

If he drinks 4-7 nights, you say when he’s hungover he doesn’t look after her, which means most of the time then.

Personally for me, it would be a serious intervention, and if that doesn’t work SS. Sorry OP what he has done is brave and a lot of men wouldn’t, but it really does not sound like he’s doing a good job.

Short term pain for long term gain. You need to be harsher on him. If it was your daughter, it would be awful her being a single parent but not that of a ‘big deal’ even at that age. Just because he is a male, that does not entitle him to be a fucking arsehole who does not put his child first.

Dunno why you're pretending your son is your he's parent - you are really. If you stopped this charade and officially became her resident parent, would you get some funding.

Then your son could stop sponging off you, and claiming the money for gd that you're spending anyway.

since when was having spliff once a week ok? I'd be appalled if my kids did this .ever!

It's better to have a spliff once a week than going to some pub/club and getting wasted on alcohol. I'd prefer my kids to have an odd spliff when they're teenager tbh.

She still wakes up once a night anyway and she asks where he is and I say he's gone out. Then i give her her dummy or anything and she goes back to sleep.

No when GD was a baby her mum wasn't involved. But she used to sleep in her cot.

In cot in same room though? That was the point of the question- was she used to being in same room as Dad from when a baby?