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Original poster

To say no to struggling friend

289 replies

JuneBerryMine · 05/09/2019 22:55

Friend has just messaged me to say she's in trouble and can she borrow money or have me sign as a guarantor.

We are only mid 20s and me and DP are trying to save for a house so I'm fair certain already my answer will be no.

But I feel so guilty. This is the second time she's asked me now and she seems very desperate but selfishly I don't want to jeopardize mine and DPs future!

OP posts:
SaraNade · 06/09/2019 11:11

I would ask her 'what sort of trouble' and exactly why she needs a loan/guarantor. Has she given you any detail about what it's all about?

Never go guarantor for anyone. You're just asking for heartache.

Span1elsRock · 06/09/2019 11:15

Only do it if you can afford to never have it back and you are generous enough to put your friendship before money.

Because that's the reality.

SaraNade · 06/09/2019 11:17

FloatingObject Sorry but imo that area sounds quite irresponsible. More like people are only close because they are seemingly living in each other's pockets. I wonder if they would truly be friendly if money was removed from the equation, if everyone didn't owe everyone money. Certainly not a community I would want to be involved in or raise my children in. It isn't teaching anyone good money habits.
Helping out with reno projects on the house is completely different though.

Juells · 06/09/2019 11:19

@SaraNade

I would ask her 'what sort of trouble' and exactly why she needs a loan/guarantor. Has she given you any detail about what it's all about?

That's indicating that you intend to lend the money. Any discussion allows the friend to start cajoling and pleading and emotionally bully.

Notverygrownup · 06/09/2019 11:26

I too would say no too for the reasons mentioned above.

I would say that she is welcome to come to you and eat occasionally - she must be really desperate to be asking - and that as a friend you will happily help her practically all that you can - helping her to look for extra work or legal advice/assistance eg Citizens Advice Bureaux, or Christians Against Poverty (although I believe they are not taking on new cases at the moment)

As a friend you can be alongside her and help her without funding her.

Best of luck

SaraNade · 06/09/2019 11:27

Juells I hadn't thought of it like that, good point.

INeedNewShoes · 06/09/2019 12:07

No no no no no. No one should ever act as a guarantor for anyone, perhaps with the exception of their own DC for renting student accommodation at uni where it's a fixed amount of time/money.

I would never ask anyone to be a guarantor for me. You only need a guarantor if your financial state is poor enough that the lender thinks there's a chance you can't afford the loan. If the lender thinks that, the there's a good chance you'll end up financially liable for your friend with no get out.

At least with loaning money directly to the friend instead you would know how much money you'll lose when friend fails to repay.

I have a policy never to lend money to friends (aside from £10 here and there if someone's forgotten their purse or whatever) and never to ask friends for loans or to accept an offer of a loan.

INeedNewShoes · 06/09/2019 12:12

Oh and you shouldn't feel at all bad for saying no! The fact is that you can't afford to lose the money and she shouldn't be putting you in this position.

'Sorry, I won't be able to help you with this'. That's all you need to say.

I do agree with PP that you shouldn't be saying 'sorry' but if the friendship is important to you then you probably want to sound a tiny bit supportive.

If she gives you any grief whatsoever for saying 'no' then you need to reconsider this friendship I think.

AstridAsterson · 06/09/2019 12:34

I genuinely would rather go bankrupt than ask a friend for money, let alone a few days before their wedding.

YANBU

Jokie · 06/09/2019 14:00

I think @coconutpie is right. She expects you'll get cash gifts from your wedding and knows you'll get disposable income.

Scrumptiousbears · 06/09/2019 14:15

Open the message and just say you are not in a position to help her.

Cindy55 · 06/09/2019 14:19

There’s a programme on C5 called can’t pay we’ll take it away or something like this. They sometimes go after the guarantor and they don’t have the funds to pay off X persons debt.

Spotsandstars · 06/09/2019 14:51

If you rescue people all the time then they never learn the severity of their situation. Sometimes it's the wrong thing to do to step in. I think this could be one of those times.

rabbitwoman · 06/09/2019 18:23

Where lending money is concerned people can be very deceitful; manipulative; cowardly - and can shock you by acting so out of character. Bizarrely, people who can be trusted to pay you back don't really ask.....

One brother of mine is dreadful with money. He is seven years older than me and used to borrow money off of me when I was just a child - hundreds of pounds to pay his car tax, or similar, and he lived at home and had a good job!!!! If I asked for it back he would laugh in my face, or sometimes snap at me then sulk ..... I lent him £20 a few years ago and when I asked for it back, he did exactly the same thing. Snapping, getting cross, then sulky, as if offended that I had even asked for it back. I have learnt that people's attitude to money just never changes. If it's bad, then it's always bad.

timshelthechoice · 06/09/2019 18:28

They sometimes go after the guarantor and they don’t have the funds to pay off X persons debt.

They will go after the guarantor. Every time! They don't care about the background story. One of their episodes featured a couple who had stood guarantor on the let of a home for their daughter and her dependent children, their grandchildren. The daughter had skipped out on the rent and gone on holiday and a spending spree. The parents were in tears but had to pay the debt. Their other children were furious with their sister, but it was nowt to do with the High Court or its enforces, they were responsible for the debt.

Purplerain16 · 06/09/2019 18:33

We asked friends to be a guarantor for our house - we can more than afford it but it's a formality as we're 'students' 🙄

We were highly embarrassed at having to do that & started the messages saying there was no pressure, we totally understand if they say no etc etc.

She sounds like she might end up screwing you over if you say yes. If she's got bad credit, she's likely defaulted in payments in the past - I would never want to be there to pick up those pieces for a friend, no matter who they were. I simply couldn't afford to do that

user1471590586 · 06/09/2019 18:37

She's heard you have a bit of cash and she's after it. I'd ignore her messages. If she's struggling financially she should go to citizens advice for help with budgeting or a debt charity for advice. m.stepchange.org/Home/channel/ppc?gclsrc=aw.ds&WT.seg_1=debt%20charity&WT.srch=1&WT.mc_id=280018&gclid=Cj0KCQjwh8jrBRDQARIsAH7BsXejVGQOe3EDMeFQ4312KUYRsbvkSwAT8wwbRymwRAE3Z4TWGzlWSZwaAisNEALw_wcB

Puzzledandpissedoff · 06/09/2019 19:56

She'll probably be asking how much money people gave you as wedding gifts

I'm not proud to admit the same thing occurred to me ... or at least that there might be comments of "you did all really well for gifts, didn't you?"

Anyway I hope you have the happiest of wedding days, OP, and a wonderful future together

Perunatop · 06/09/2019 20:04

Just say no and suggest she gets a second job to improve her financial situation.

Jellyfish43 · 06/09/2019 20:13

Definitely, do not agree to be a guarantor as that has serious implications for you, if she defaults on repayment. If you have any spare money that you can afford to spare, give it to her. Tell her to repay you if she can, but this is a one off and please don’t ask to borrow any money again.

TanselleTooTall · 06/09/2019 20:24

Urgh, do not loftily suggest getting a second job. How bloody condescending.

AlansLeftMoob · 06/09/2019 20:32

Absolutely not. If she was a decent friend at all she wouldn't even have asked again. The only reason anyone would need a guarantor is if their credit was so bad that they couldn't get a loan the traditional way, HUGE RED FLAG. If she can't pay a bank back, how's she going to pay you back? One late payment could affect your credit score and mess up your plans to buy a house. Tell her you are sorry she is in this position but you absolutely will not be guaranteeing anyone's loans.

NearlyGranny · 06/09/2019 20:46

You're going to lose this friend either way, I think. She'll resent you if you say no: she'll avoid you if you say yes and she struggles or fails to pay you back. It sounds as if she's not great with money. If she's in over her head already, how does she propose to pay you back?

So you can keep your money and lose your friend, or you can lose friend and money: your choice!

If that sounds mean, it's not. I do lend, but only if I know I can write the amount off and not miss it if it's never paid back.

You're just starting out, working hard and saving for a house and you would definitely miss it, so don't feel bad if you decide to say no.

simplekindoflife · 06/09/2019 20:57

Who messages someone the night before their wedding day asking to borrow money?!

She doesn't sound like much of a friend... Confused

Hope you've had a lovely day OP Thanks

Fyette · 06/09/2019 21:21

I genuinely would rather go bankrupt than ask a friend for money, let alone a few days before their wedding.

Well, see, that's what I think (and OP thinks as well): she must be really desperate to ask, especially if she has asked before. And I just don't think this is true for any of you smug people accusing OP's friend of being a CF. Once lack of money becomes truly dire, anyone with any survival instinct will ask for help. Especially if, for instance, homelessness is looming for you and your family. People are assuming on this thread that OP's friend is irresponsible with money and just needs to get her (financial) act together, but that does not need to be true. You have no idea what's going on. Shitty circumstances leave sensible people impoverished all the time. And then suggesting the right way to help is to get her in touch with a budget coach is condescending and downright mean.