To say no to struggling friend

[JuneBerryMine]

Friend has just messaged me to say she's in trouble and can she borrow money or have me sign as a guarantor.

We are only mid 20s and me and DP are trying to save for a house so I'm fair certain already my answer will be no.

But I feel so guilty. This is the second time she's asked me now and she seems very desperate but selfishly I don't want to jeopardize mine and DPs future!

As with a previous poster we were guarantor for our son whilst at uni but it was a fixed term tenancy and we were only liable for his rent. In fact there was absolutely no risk as we were paying the rent anyway! We would never be a guarantor for anyone other than our children nor would we lend money other than to close family.
Our daughter has just bought a house and needed a little extra to cover costs (they had already saved thousands) so we gifted them the money.
Don’t do it OP.

She could go to a Pawnbroker ....that way she's gambling on getting her own assets back and not somebody else's. Suggest it. I'm assuming if she's desperate she could pull together maybe £1000 worth of possessions?

It really oversteps the bounds of friendship and qualifies as CFery.

The fact that she has had the balls/cheek to ask suggests that she will also have the balls/cheek to leave you in the shit due to skewed priorities or inability to keep up.

I think it's even worth reevaluating her as a friend, as she has done this knowing you have come into a small amount. Grasping and resentful.

My Nan has always said "don't lend what you can't afford to lose".

I always say this too. Whenever you ‘lend’ someone money, write it off and don’t expect it back. In other words, if you can’t afford to give it to someone then don’t!

Obviously never be a guarantor, she sounds financially unstable at best.

Just say you value friendship too much to risk it with money complications. Also say you never lend money as a rule. And don't be guilt tripped. You'll feel a lot worse when she runs off with the dosh and leaves you to clean up mess.

I think most people - if they were ever going to do that in the first place - would only do it for their own child.
I've never heard of a friend being guarantor. It's a massive ask and you should definitely not do it.
Don't feel bad saying no, she shouldn't have asked.

Please don't become a guarantor for her.

Years ago I was in the same financial mess as your friend and was feeling desperate. I selfishly pleaded with my sister to be a guarantor on a loan for me as I saw that as my only option. She refused to do it and at the time I was so angry with her for not helping me but it forced me to take responsibility for the debts and sort it out myself.
I ended up contacting cab and went into an iva. Yes my credit rating suffered for a few years but it wasn't great anyway. Looking back now I feel so much guilt at asking my sister to be guarantor and putting her in that situation. When your feeling that desperate though you have blinkers on and not thinking straight.

Your friend has to sort this herself. As pps have said there are plenty of debt agencies to help her sort her debts out. Don't feel guilted into taking responsibility. You will be a better friend by saying no. Good luck.

@Larlarleighlee I really don't think that's an appropriate thing to ask, in the slightest.

Given that she's timed this just before your wedding, i suspect she believes you will have £££ of money as presents as well as the 1k and is hedging her bets.

A good friend who is bad with money, judging from her asking you for a second time and others refusals to loan again, should not ask anyone of this as they won't want to let their family/friends. just tell her no, you can offer support in other ways- helping look at loans, CAB etc after your wedding.

If she is a good friend, she will not press you.

@Nanna50

Why do I sound awful? The money was for her daughter towards a deposit on a house so we thought the daughter would give us the money but no such luck. This woman was trying it on with my husband because he is a soft touch and always likes to help friends (she isn't his bit on the side either)

As side note I am a very generous person who will always help someone who is in need but this woman didn't need the cash in my opinion.

YANBU to not lend money you need yourself - AND DO NOT BE A GUARANTOR! Anything could happen - even if she is a really good and honest person and has every intention of paying, she could walk under a bus, and YOU WOULD BE RESPONSIBLE FOR HER DEBT!

DON'T DO IT!!!!

She's the one who should be feeling bad. She's deliberately put you into this situation even though you've previously said no.

I think she's manipulating you into feeling bad because she hopes that then you will do what she wants. It's unbelievably selfish of her.

P. S. I only know one person who has agreed to act as a guarantor (when he was young and naive and really wanted to help a friend out). He got burned very badly.

By definition, anyone who needs a guarantor in order to get a loan is someone who is unlikely to be able to pay the money back.

Tell her no and to go to family, or the Credit Union for a loan.Also the DWP used to do loans for people on benefits. If she is then she could check this out.
Don't ever lend anyone money or discuss your finances either. Proper friends dont ask for loans.

You are getting married tomorrow? Your friend as her eye on the contents of your wedding cards

@JuneBerryMine Just message saying it's not something you can think about considering it's YOUR WEDDING TOMORROW! Congratulations. Have a great day!!

As far as the actual problem - if she's a real friend she would understand your reasons. She's young - does she have parent's she can ask for help? I had a friend ask me similar after she racked up a large gambling debt. She was scared to talk to her parent's so i just explained my reasons (i have a mortgage to pay) and encouraged her to talk to her parents. She didn't ask again but did thank me after talking with her parents. If this friend keeps harassing you she's not worth the energy.

No!!! Don't do it!!

If she has debt problems she needs to go to the Citizens Advice and make an appointment and they will help her go through her debts and fend them off until she can sort herself out.

OP, under no circumstances are you to lend her money as she WILL default and you will have debt against your name.

Tell her you can't lend her any money and give her your local CAB no.

You’re not letting anyone down.

Also, stop discussing your finances with her.

Congratulations on your wedding.

A simple no I cannot will suffice. If you start off explaining why not you may end up going down a rabbit hole of but why messages. Don't lend the money that is yours. It is your money whether it has been gifted or earned do not feel guilty about it at all. I agree with a pp, never tell anyone about your finances ever it's your business no one else.

Have a lovely day tomorrow

As other PPs have already said here - don't lend money that you aren't prepared to lose completely.

Also, with a guarantor loan, the interest rate will be ridiculously high so if you did have to pay off the loan, it is likely to be much more expensive than previously expected.

It is a shame that your friend is having financial troubles and there may be other ways to help such as buying her some shopping, letting her stay at your house for a few days if need be, assisting with transport if you're able to, being a guarantor to a loan can be very dangerous.

'That won't be possible'. And leave it at that. Do not apologise for it.

And for gods sake don't ever discuss your financial situation with anyone again. She'll probably be asking how much money people gave you as wedding gifts. That's nobody's business but yours and Dh. If she does bring up that you should have money after today, shut her down and tell her that is none of her business.

Do NOT act as a guarantor .

NO NO NO and NO.

Just tell her sorry you can't. End of.