Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say no to struggling friend

289 replies

JuneBerryMine · 05/09/2019 22:55

Friend has just messaged me to say she's in trouble and can she borrow money or have me sign as a guarantor.

We are only mid 20s and me and DP are trying to save for a house so I'm fair certain already my answer will be no.

But I feel so guilty. This is the second time she's asked me now and she seems very desperate but selfishly I don't want to jeopardize mine and DPs future!

OP posts:
missbattenburg · 06/09/2019 09:59

“I’m sorry I am not in the position to be able to help at the moment”.

I don't think this is the reply, tbh.

You are in a position to help but won't (undeerstandably) and this will not change in the future. Using the phrase 'at the moment' suggests she might get a different answer if she asks at a different time.

For me a simple "I care about you but will not lend you money or act as a guarantor. Please don't ask me again." works better.

Motoko · 06/09/2019 10:00

Have you sent her the message yet @JuneBerryMine?

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 06/09/2019 10:00

I'm guarantor to my best friend of many many years and although I didn't begrudge it at the time, I do wish I'd said no. She's never defaulted and never would BUT she has topped the loan up time and time again, although last time she asked me if she could I said no as she will never ever pay it off and the interest is crazy. So much as I love her and trust her, it would have been better for me, and probably her, if I had refused. She was in a real situation though and I literally was the only person who could help, so in that respect I don't begrudge her.

acatcalledjohn · 06/09/2019 10:02

Congratulations on your wedding OP, I wish you a wonderful day and life together.

The MN mantra of 'no is a complete sentence' is applicable here. Don't risk your own financial future. If your friend has an issue with that then she isn't your friend.

Also, once you sign as a guarantor you cannot get out of it again. So if she was to default on her repayments you are liable to pay, and in no position to recoup any of that money.

mcmooberry · 06/09/2019 10:04

Not RTFT but no, no and 3 times no. Someone I know did this for a colleague and years later when he went to sell his house there was a £30,000 charge on it as the bloke had defaulted. They weren't even in touch then and the money got collected.

thecatsthecats · 06/09/2019 10:05

I'd never be someone's guarantor.

If I had enough money to be comfortable with being a guarantor, I'd have enough money to pay for whatever it was outright, and I'd gladly do it for a friend in need.

(e.g. - solid asset wealth in high hundred thousands, friend needed £3000 loan for new car - I'd just do it)

The guarantor relationship makes zero sense to me, as it seems to depend on someone not being rich enough to hand over the money, but being rich enough to take over when it goes wrong. To me, that financial zone doesn't exist!

Stinkycatbreath · 06/09/2019 10:14

They will come straight after you if she doesn't pay.

tillytrotter1 · 06/09/2019 10:18

Absolutely no, no, no! We were asked this many years ago by a friend, we were probably in a position to do it but we said No, sorry. A couple of years later the marriage fell apart. She had men and debts galore both unknown to her husband and she hsd thrown him out, he then spent time in a psychiatric hospital having tried to take his own life because of her behaviour. He knew nothing about her request to us, she had apparently exhausted her supply of family mugs.

Cheeseandwin5 · 06/09/2019 10:20

Have to agree with others, if you have the money and are willing give it to her, but to loan the money or worse to act as a guarantor will not only effect you and your family financial position, but also cause huge headaches going forward. I would be surprised if it ends your friendship.
As a friend you can only do as much as you can, do not be upset that you cant do more. If she is any type of friend she will understand and apologise for putting you under such stress

BossAssBitch · 06/09/2019 10:21

NO WAY.

Don’t do it, if you do you are setting yourself up for financial disaster or at the very least, sleepless nights worrying if she’ll default. It could cause arguments or tension in your relationship. its a no brainier to refuse.

Your friend shouldn’t be putting you in this awkward position.

Aprillygirl · 06/09/2019 10:22

I really wouldn't like the idea of being a guarantor, but I would lend a desperate friend money if I had it to spare. Surely if she's your friend you trust her?

Sewrainbow · 06/09/2019 10:23

Not read full thread but NEVER be a guarantor for anyone, you will be liable for their debt. Does she realise that, it's a massive ask of anyone. Do not feel guilty, your savings are for your own life not hers.

Weezol · 06/09/2019 10:24

Oh and in future keep your finances private. There's no reason she should know about a gift of money from your dad.

Sage advice.

Enjoy yourself tomorrow!

Ragwort · 06/09/2019 10:28

Fyette that’s a ridiculous thing to say, lots of people ‘expect’ loans from friends and rarely pay it back, as seen on this thread. It is not the case that posters aren’t ‘good’ friends, just that they are being sensible with their money. Of course, if you can afford to help a friend by paying for a week’s food shopping or helping with school uniform then that’s great and doesn’t need to be seen as a loan.

As mentioned earlier, we love our young relative, thought we were doing the right thing by helping them get into renting by lending the deposit and first months rent, years later nothing has been returned, the rental property has long gone and the relative is working and enjoying a reasonably large ‘disposable’ income with clearly no intention of ever paying it back. It doesn’t mean I don’t care for the relative but I am disappointed in his behaviour. If I was going to give away £1k I would honestly prefer to give it to a homeless charity.

Juells · 06/09/2019 10:35

@BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack

I'm guarantor to my best friend of many many years and although I didn't begrudge it at the time, I do wish I'd said no. She's never defaulted and never would BUT she has topped the loan up time and time again, although last time she asked me if she could I said no as she will never ever pay it off and the interest is crazy.

I'm trying to understand this. Every time she topped up the loan, did you have to re-sign as guarantor? Surely you'd have to? Because otherwise you could be trapped forever if she didn't ask/get your agreement. 😱

redastherose · 06/09/2019 10:37

Please don't do this OP. I would never be guarantor for a friend and not even for most of my relatives! If you have the money and want to give it to your friend then that is up to you but you have to accept that you are probably waving bye bye to that money for ever. Never lend what you cannot afford to lose! By acting as a Guarantor you wouldn't even have control on how much you could lose should she default.

coconutpie · 06/09/2019 10:40

She's probably asked you right before your wedding because you'll probably get some cash gifts and she'll think you should hand them over to her since you'll have the money then. So be very careful tomorrow with any envelopes you receive - she will be too tempted to the money if she's that desperate.

Do not lend her anything and do not be a guarantor. It will be a huge mistake.

joystir59 · 06/09/2019 10:41

If she ISA good friend meet her for a coffee and catch up and go into what her financial issues are. I would give a good friend money if I could afford it but I wouldn't lend it because it is shit trying to pay money back if you are skint and also it can adversely affect the friendship to have debt sitting between you.

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 06/09/2019 10:45

Juells - yes everytime she wants to top up she has to get my agreement and then the loan company call me and go through the same old questions. I have already decided that next time she asks I'll say no, which I did/will and so all it means for her is she can't top up with them unless she gets a new guarantor. Each time the loan is topped up, they repay the existing loan off and start again as a new loan. I just wanted to help her out at the time as she was on her arse, but I do wish I had thought more pragmatically about it and said I couldn't help.

Belfield · 06/09/2019 10:45

Absolutely not. Especially no to the Guarantor. If she doesn't pay the loan then you have to and will have bad credit, which will affect a mortgage application, if you don't pay her loans. I will always give money to one sister because she always pays back but never give to my other sister because she never pays you back and has zero guilt about it. People treat "loans" very differently.

Sammyp235 · 06/09/2019 10:48

Don’t do it OP.

AnneKipanki · 06/09/2019 10:51

No .

areyoubeingserviced · 06/09/2019 10:51

A friend of mine bought a car on finance her boyfriend. He promised to pay the monthly amount. He paid for a few years and then stopped paying. He refused to give the car back and my friend ended up paying the monthly fees because she was concerned about her credit.
Last year, the finance came to an end and my friend ended up paying £7k

DH lent £3k to someone he has known for years. This man owns a house worth 1.5 million pounds, so dh thought that he would get the money back.
We are still waiting three years later.
Don’t give what you can’t afford to lose.

Jade218 · 06/09/2019 10:52

No way. I once had a friend ask to borrow money I said no and felt no shame for saying no.

Don't do it - just politely say we are looking to buy a house soon and can't tie up funds at the mo.

Please don't do it!

bombomboobah · 06/09/2019 10:57

One of the best ways to disarm people who are like this and trying to borrow money from you is to say, that's funny I was just going to message you to ask you exactly the same thing - any chance that you could lend me £xxx for the next 6 months please? (where £xxx is similar to the amount that she was going to ask to borrow from you but a little bit more - so £600 if she wanted to borrow £500 for example)
I like your style 😊