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Original poster

To say no to struggling friend

289 replies

JuneBerryMine · 05/09/2019 22:55

Friend has just messaged me to say she's in trouble and can she borrow money or have me sign as a guarantor.

We are only mid 20s and me and DP are trying to save for a house so I'm fair certain already my answer will be no.

But I feel so guilty. This is the second time she's asked me now and she seems very desperate but selfishly I don't want to jeopardize mine and DPs future!

OP posts:
Justsaynonow · 06/09/2019 21:23

I would also make sure the wedding present/envelope table is supervised at all times - but I'm not very trusting.

Congratulations on your wedding!

user1471590586 · 06/09/2019 21:24

I agree with the previous poster. Not much of a friend to be asking for money just before your wedding. Tell her you have debts to pay from your wedding if you want to use an excuse.

Wishing you good luck for your wedding.

MrsNotNice · 06/09/2019 21:29

Apologize and wish her luck but don’t lend her.

She is unreasonable to ask you more than once.

Ask her if she has a family member that can lend her instead. Obviously your father lent you because you need it not because you are showered with cash

peachdribble · 07/09/2019 17:41

Just say no; your every penny is allocated and you don’t have spare cash. For all you know she may have an addiction of some kind and you’d do well to avoid getting sucked in to other people’s financial problems

erniepigy · 07/09/2019 17:44

NEVER NEVER NEVER sign as guarantor for anyone! Even your nearest and dearest. Say no to any loans, be straight up front and say no, I refuse to ever get involved with money matters.
It will all end in tears I’m warning you. Please please don’t do it.
Your friend is responsible for her life and her debts, just as you are.

FlossyChick · 07/09/2019 17:47

Just NO! Just tell her you can’t - you will never see the money again. You need to think about your own future.

starsparkle08 · 07/09/2019 17:50

Tell her to feck off that should do the trick . Hate cheeky feckers and that is what this friend is

cherish123 · 07/09/2019 17:55

I definitely would not be guarantor. As for the money, just tell her you can't afford to lend her some.

Isitnearlyweekend · 07/09/2019 18:05

The answer is a categorical no. I wouldn’t even contemplate it.

alig99 · 07/09/2019 18:06

No don't guarantee anything it will stay with you for life.

Gilead51 · 07/09/2019 18:12

First: lending money is one thing, being a guarantor is another. You should definitely refuse the second. As for the first, you know if you can afford it or not. If not you must say so. But it seems to me that there's much more explaining to be done. Why does your friend need the money at all, and why won't a simple debt be enough? if I were you I'd do and see her after your wedding and find out what can be done for her, it isn't condescending if she really needs advice.

ClaudiasWinkleMan · 07/09/2019 18:13

I get why you feel bad but you really shouldn’t. Will she be able to guarantee to have all your loaned money back by the time you need it to buy a house?
You and DP are saving up for a house. She knows this, why should you feel bad for not wanting to risk losing all your savings?
I don’t know your friends circumstances but i’ve Been burnt too many times and not one of the friendships lasted once I stopped loaning money.
It really is a kick in the crutch when you listen to the sob story and then when you see them next the cash you l any them for electricity has been spent on getting their nails done, especially when you can’t now afford to get your nails done as you leant your friend the only spare cash you had.
Or when you offer to take a friend shopping as she’s got nothing in the house and she tells her kids to treat themselves to some toys. The reason she had no money for food was because she insisted on names brand cloths and iPads for all her kids.
I know people get into financial difficulties for reasons out of their control, loose a job, become sick or have their benefits sanctioned for ridiculous reasons. But in my experience it’s usually down to people not living within their means, having maxed out all their credit cards and then not managing the repayments. So looking for someone else to bail them out rather then sell some things.
Is she awful with money? Or has she genuinely fallen in hard times? It does make a difference as to whether you’ll get the money back. And wether your friendship will survive if you don’t.

TheAirShow · 07/09/2019 18:16

Don’t do it Op.
We had a similar experience with DBil. Unknown to me, DH took a loan out for his brother. DBil stopped paying DH back, so we had to pay.
That little episode caused a lot of problems and strain in our marriage when I found out.

BrightYellowDaffodil · 07/09/2019 18:16

Absolutely not. Even if I could afford it, the owing of money wrecks friendships especially when they want to 'top up' their loan (as per a previous poster who became a guarantor) or they default.

Yes, it is easy to say "Well she might be desperate/facing homelessness" but that is no reason for OP to jeopardise her family's financial future or, indeed, why responsibility falls on OP. And ultimately some people just are shit with money and all the time there is someone to bail them out they will carry on being shit because there's no reason for them to change. And this is clearly not the first time.

Don't feel bad, OP. Just say you are sorry but all your money is tied up in the house savings or you've got bills to pay after your wedding. If the situation merits it, maybe point her in the direction of financial support charities.

I hope you are having a lovely wedding day and you're not worrying too much about this :)

TheRobotsAreComing · 07/09/2019 18:19

Empathise with her on her financial situation, it's stressful to be in a mess with money. Advise her to phone citizens advice or if she's really in the shit tell her to ring a company like Creditfix, they're a debt solution company who can settle debts with creditors and she can pay them one low monthly payment (her credit score will be affected but its a way out of the mess).

Hope you get your house soon!

listsandbudgets · 07/09/2019 18:27

Whatever you do DO NOT BECOME A GUARANTOR....

DP once did it for someone for a rental agreement. 3 years later he found himself having to pay their rent arrears. There was no wriggle room and it ended up costing nearly £3000 of pounds by the time he'd paid for their eviction costs as well which also landed at his door.

Effectively you would be agreeing to pay their loan if they can't / won't.

DON'T

nuxe1984 · 07/09/2019 18:33

Only say yes if you can afford to lose the money she wants ….

TitsInAbsentia · 07/09/2019 18:37

I really hope you've had a fabulous wedding and that this hasn't been playing on your mind. I also hope you have firmly said no, it's just not possible, you are both desperately trying to sort out your own finances.

Thisisnotreallymyname · 07/09/2019 18:45

No no no no, unless you are prepared to lose the money if things go pear shaped, NEVER act as a guarantor!

Beesandcheese · 07/09/2019 18:50

It's OK to tell her you can't help.

Tistheseason17 · 07/09/2019 18:54

Never lend what you can't afford to lose

AutumnFabreeze · 07/09/2019 19:14

My SIL once asked us to lend her £250K. We lived overseas and sold our house before looking for a suitable home for our bigger family on moving back. She knew we had the money waiting and asked us to lend it to her so she could buy herself a house. This would have left us with nothing as that was our whole life's savings. She didn't give a shit that we have DC and would have had no home if she decided she couldn't pay it back. She asked a few times and threw her toys out the pram when we said no and MIL had a face like a slapped arse.

Roselilly36 · 07/09/2019 19:16

Say no, not worth the risk, I had to say no to a friend once too, very similar circumstances, we are still friends today.

Kate0902900908 · 07/09/2019 19:20

Message her back..
still saving for a place and can’t take out any form of credit as were wanting a mortgage remember so sorry I can’t ..

Cosyjimjamsforautumn · 07/09/2019 19:31

Why does she need a guarantor or a loan. Why isnt she asking her family for this? RED FLAGS!!!!
Never lend money to friends/family unless you are prepared to lose it. Doesnt matter what they sign or promise. If they were financially stable or had good credit they would get the loan from the bank and wouldnt need to ask you
Sadly learnt that lesson the hard way Sad