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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

... about husband and (sort of) adult daughter.

203 replies

JennieLee · 05/09/2019 08:23

Husband is retired. 22 year old daughter is currently at home - not working - though will soon be moving out to start job and live in flat in another city. I'm doing freelance work of a type that can be quite draining - unpredictable, working with varied teams, demanding clients, lots of flexibility required.

I got back yesterday to find loads of undone washing up all over the kitchen and my daughter looking very sorry for herself while stirring our biggest pan which was completely full of lentils coming to the boil.

I asked her what was up and she said she was tired after going to the shops. The bag of flour she'd bought had been heavy.

I probably sighed and then she started saying why was I angry with her. I said it had been a long day for me and focused on making myself a couple of tea and getting out of the way.

The eventual meal - my daughter has vegan tendencies - was a very watery bland dhal and rice. My husband has been away and she's been cooking pulses with rice constantly in his absence. I ate what was on my plate but refused a second helping.

While they were eating seconds I got up and had some Stilton on a cracker - perhaps because I'd been very physically active at work, my body was craving a bit of animal protein.

My husband can never see anyone eating without wanting to have the same thing himself. So after his second helping he get up and began to get cheese and biscuits for himself. I said, 'Can you do me Stilton and a cracker too'.

Normally it's the other way round. I am up and he'll ask if I'd just get him something - so I'm constantly making him toast or fetching jam or salt or making him tea.

He started faffing about and saying did I want him to have Stilton rather than a cheddar. I said No, have what you like. About five minutes later he sat down with a plate of Stilton on oatcakes for himself. I said 'Where's mine?' 'Oh did you want some as well?' he asked. He then got me - after more faffing - a very tiny bit of Stilton on an oatcake.

This was the point where I got cross and said, 'I asked for a cracker. Do I have to ask four times to get something really simple? He said he hadn't heard. My daughter then got up and got me a cracker.

But I just feel so defeated. It doesn't seem that much to want to come back to a cleanish house when two people have been in all day. And for one of those people to cook an edible meal. Or for the other person to be able to fetch me a bit of cheese if the meal is not that great.

I just feel my life is pretty shit right now.

OP posts:
Spam88 · 05/09/2019 08:28

Sounds like he didn't hear you properly when you asked for Stilton and a cracker, so it's a bit silly to get annoyed at him repeatedly over that. And your daughter did cook you tea. Must be very frustrating to get home to a messy house though when they've been home all day, so can totally understand your frustration there.

Bit rude to get up and get something else to eat while people are still eating the meal that was cooked for you though 😬

Wildorchidz · 05/09/2019 08:32

Your daughter has been living with you for 22 years. Was that unusual for her not to tidy up? Or is that normal?

Sayhellotothethings · 05/09/2019 08:32

I think you had a bad day, you're tired, and so bringing some stress home with you. If you were rude to anyone personally I'd apologise in this instance. If not, just move on, today's a new today.

StCharlotte · 05/09/2019 08:34

But I just feel so defeated. It doesn't seem that much to want to come back to a cleanish house when two people have been in all day. And for one of those people to cook an edible meal.

Tell them this!

EAIOU · 05/09/2019 08:34

I agree with the tired reactions. Get a hot shower/bath and relax with another cuppa and a favourite programme.

WhatsMyPassword · 05/09/2019 08:35

I know this a straw that broke the camels back scenario - but I cant get excited over a cracker. I would be pissed off at the untidiness, the whole too tired after carrying a bag of flour would make me very annoyed, and I'd have to point it out, very vocally.

I cant help you with the watery vegan rice stuff, I wouldn’t eat that , period, it would go out to the birds. That’s probably why she’s pathetically tired, she needs proper food.

I await the onslaught. I don’t care. I’ve never met a healthy vegan, without fail they all have awful breath skin, and are perpetually tired and have an inordinate amount of sick leave at work.

user1471517900 · 05/09/2019 08:37

Your DH thought you were asking him if he was having stilton and crackers (from the way you've posted it). Then when you said "where's mine" he got you what he was having.
As someone says, he misheard you once

Myriade · 05/09/2019 08:46

But I just feel so defeated. It doesn't seem that much to want to come back to a cleanish house when two people have been in all day. And for one of those people to cook an edible meal.

Yep.
Basically, neither of them are working but they still expect to be served on a plate and for you to do all the hard work.
I agree that the fact you were tired means you were not as 'accomodating' as usual and that was a trigger.
However, I would be pissed off by that sort of attitude, from both of them.

Time to put some boundaries and re establish roels and resposnibilities for everyone. I mean who woud expect the WOHP to also deal with all the cooking/cleaning/bring a plate with cheese when the SAHP stays at home swanning around and doing fuck all?

(P here stands for partner not parent....)

Bluntness100 · 05/09/2019 08:48

I also think you must be just a bit tired or there is more to this story.

Bluntness100 · 05/09/2019 08:50

Basically, neither of them are working but they still expect to be served on a plate and for you to do all the hard work

How do you come to this conclusion when she as the one being served?

Original poster
JennieLee · 05/09/2019 08:51

My husband is a great one for half-listening - catching a bit of what is said, drifting off then making up the rest even if what he then comes up with is illogical . So his regular mishearings do sometimes irk me just because it's a sign of him being in his own head - and also him not taking the trouble to check he's understood properly.

In this particular case his idea - that I'd been telling him to eat Stilton just didn't make any kind of sense.

Someone a little more perceptive might have caught onto the fact that I was tired, hungry after a day when I'd had only limited access to food,, struggling with our daughter's cooking - and in dire need of a bit of extra nutrition.

OP posts:
Hahaha88 · 05/09/2019 08:53

Yanbu but you are overreacting a little, if there's no other factors, in saying your life's a bit shit right now. I imagine because you were exhausted

Whenaretheholidaysover · 05/09/2019 08:53

I think it’s a really minor thing to be upset about but it’s obviously part of a bigger picture.

Zaphodsotherhead · 05/09/2019 08:54

You came in tired and cranky, you didn't particularly like what your DD made for tea (but at least she cooked) and your DH is getting a bit deaf.

Have a good night's sleep, and leave them the washing up. If it's not done by tonight when you get in, THEN you can have a rant.

Whenaretheholidaysover · 05/09/2019 08:54

Based on your op, I don’t think that’s a shit life.

swingofthings · 05/09/2019 08:59

Totally get it, you're tired and comparing your situation with theirs, buy it doesn't justify them having to bear your grumpiness.

Just say in the morning, with a big smile that it would be lovely to come home to clean house and that you'd feel very special if they could cook one of your favourite meals one evening.

Much more likely to get what you want that way.

Hadalifeonce · 05/09/2019 09:00

My DH often is in a half listening kind of place; to make sure I get his full attention, I always say his name then he knows I am talking to him, and not to myself or the children.
He has also told the children to say 'dad' first, then he knows to concentrate on them; but he does have slightly dodgy hearing in 1 ear.

Tonnerre · 05/09/2019 09:01

Who did the washing up after the meal?

TatianaLarina · 05/09/2019 09:05

What’s the low down on your relationship with your DH generally?

Can you agree that now he is retired he will make the evening meal?

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 05/09/2019 09:05

Mate, you were tired and cranky and it's horrible coming home to a messy house, especially if you left it tidy. But this is all a bit of an over-reaction, especially your poor body craving a bit of animal protein. Your daughter made the dinner - you didn't particularly like it, but she did it. You aren't going to waste away after one vegan meal. Chill.

Happyspud · 05/09/2019 09:05

I suspect they are struggling just as much as you. Maybe bored. Apathetic. But they sound pretty bloody annoying to live with so I said YANBU.

Bookworm4 · 05/09/2019 09:06

I don’t think your DH is the issue, your lazy DD is, you came into her mess and ‘a bag of flour was heavy’ drippy comment but said nothing then get pissed at your DH for not listening.
Also my body was craving a bit of animal protein. really? 🙄

Ambidexte · 05/09/2019 09:06

Your daughter did cook you a meal - a large and nutritious meal for everyone which she was quite happy to eat as her own main meal. You just didn't like the food. You seem a bit snarky about veganism in general, but it's your daughter's choice and you can hardly expect a vegan to cook a non-vegan meal for you.

Your DH doesn't seem to have done much and doesn't seem to have listened to you. Is he going deaf?

Neither of them had done the washing up. On the other hand, your daughter had been to the shops.

You probably need to have a word with your DH about doing more now he's retired.

Your DD sounds pretty good tbh and will be moving out soon anyway (another reason why your DH needs to step up).

If I was your DD then I would be very keen to get away from a house where I went to the shops and cooked dinner for everyone, and then my DM picked at the food grudgingly with big sighs of disappointment.

Limt · 05/09/2019 09:06

You could be describing my DH exactly OP, you have my sympathy. People probably think I'm a bit mean to him sometimes, but they don't have to live with someone who half listens and invents the rest.

theunrivalledjoysofparenting · 05/09/2019 09:07

But I just feel so defeated. It doesn't seem that much to want to come back to a cleanish house when two people have been in all day. And for one of those people to cook an edible meal.

So tell them. GIve them a list of what needs to be done and they can sort it out between them. Point out that you're out working for x hours every day and ask if they think it's fair to come home to a shit house.

When your p worked, did he pull his weight around the house?

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