Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

... about husband and (sort of) adult daughter.

203 replies

JennieLee · 05/09/2019 08:23

Husband is retired. 22 year old daughter is currently at home - not working - though will soon be moving out to start job and live in flat in another city. I'm doing freelance work of a type that can be quite draining - unpredictable, working with varied teams, demanding clients, lots of flexibility required.

I got back yesterday to find loads of undone washing up all over the kitchen and my daughter looking very sorry for herself while stirring our biggest pan which was completely full of lentils coming to the boil.

I asked her what was up and she said she was tired after going to the shops. The bag of flour she'd bought had been heavy.

I probably sighed and then she started saying why was I angry with her. I said it had been a long day for me and focused on making myself a couple of tea and getting out of the way.

The eventual meal - my daughter has vegan tendencies - was a very watery bland dhal and rice. My husband has been away and she's been cooking pulses with rice constantly in his absence. I ate what was on my plate but refused a second helping.

While they were eating seconds I got up and had some Stilton on a cracker - perhaps because I'd been very physically active at work, my body was craving a bit of animal protein.

My husband can never see anyone eating without wanting to have the same thing himself. So after his second helping he get up and began to get cheese and biscuits for himself. I said, 'Can you do me Stilton and a cracker too'.

Normally it's the other way round. I am up and he'll ask if I'd just get him something - so I'm constantly making him toast or fetching jam or salt or making him tea.

He started faffing about and saying did I want him to have Stilton rather than a cheddar. I said No, have what you like. About five minutes later he sat down with a plate of Stilton on oatcakes for himself. I said 'Where's mine?' 'Oh did you want some as well?' he asked. He then got me - after more faffing - a very tiny bit of Stilton on an oatcake.

This was the point where I got cross and said, 'I asked for a cracker. Do I have to ask four times to get something really simple? He said he hadn't heard. My daughter then got up and got me a cracker.

But I just feel so defeated. It doesn't seem that much to want to come back to a cleanish house when two people have been in all day. And for one of those people to cook an edible meal. Or for the other person to be able to fetch me a bit of cheese if the meal is not that great.

I just feel my life is pretty shit right now.

OP posts:
Brefugee · 05/09/2019 12:46

I think it's perfectly to fine to be grumpy about any and all of this.

However. If I had come home to that, I would have immediately asked DD who left the laundry there. If it was her, I'd tell her to put a load on, put the rest in the basket then get on with cooking.

I would have thanked her for cooking, but also said that it wasn't quite me and that I was going to have cheese and crackers and then asked if anyone else wanted some

Then you wouldn't have had the DH cracker problem.

You would, however, have to tell your daughter what it was about the meal you didn't like. Maybe she didn't like it either (who likes watery food?) and you could have suggested working out a menu and cooking rota.

But I get that it's frustrating.

RosaWaiting · 05/09/2019 12:53

Not surprised you’re annoyed
It’s like you’re the only person with common sense in the house.

I’m sorry to say but the only way to tackle it is to talk to them and it sounds like they need to learn some common sense. Rules need to be changed round cooking though. Maybe everyone batch cooks stuff that can be defrosted in the day? I do think 3 adults are going to find it very hard to eat together every day.

I’m curious how heavy the bag of flour was, btw!

RosaWaiting · 05/09/2019 12:54

PS re the work - so much work is like that now, it’s bloody awful.

SoyDora · 05/09/2019 12:56

I voted ‘YANBU’ as your daughter and husband sound fucking annoying and the meal sounds rank so I can completely understand the grumpiness!
However if that constitutes having ‘a shit life’ for you then I kind of wish I had your life. I think you need a teeny bit of perspective.

VanGoghsDog · 05/09/2019 12:58

would have immediately asked DD who left the laundry there.

Washing up, not laundry.

I used to live with an ex who was like this, he worked at home in a sedentary job he could more or less do when he wished - he didn't seem to wish to do it at 9am, or 10am, he seemed to wish to start about 2pm after a long lie-in and a bath (which is fine, I was at work anyway) and then still be working at 10pm - also fine but sort of annoying as then we didn't get time together when I got home from work. And he would often take his laptop to bed and still be pissing around on it once I had gone to bed.

But he was incapable of preparing anything edible for dinner. I used to leave the house at 6am and get home about 8pm and get home to usually nothing, sometimes just some slop I couldn't identify. One time I texted as I left work and asked him to shove a spud in the oven for me to have when I got in, I got in at 8.15pm and he hadn't done it and said he thought he would do it when I arrived. He then proceeded to microwave it for 20 minutes until it was a hard inedible ball.

I told him to stop cooking for me and just feed himself (and his son) and I would buy and eat ready meals/soup etc - but he insisted on keeping making shit I didn't want to eat - and I recall coming home one time, really worn out, thinking I would eat whatever it was I had bought for that night and got home to a boiled lamb chop. I just cried.

I know how demoralising it can be when it seems you work really hard and the other person is not and they don't even pick up any of the slack in the house and seem not to care at all.

BlueCornsihPixie · 05/09/2019 13:06

YABU

Your DD cooked dinner, if you don't like it cook your own. Can you imagine it was the the way round and the DD sighed and passively aggressively didn't eat seconds, everyone would says she eats what's she's given or cooks her own. Same here, cook your own bloody food if you don't like what she's cooking

There's also nothing wrong with batch cooking, if you don't want her to do it you have to say ffs! She's not a mindreader

Also she was cooking, she can wash up after she's cooked. She doesn't have to do washing up on your say so. Who washed up in the end?

Your DH clearly misunderstood you. It's annoying but not the end of the world

You are being overly dramatic, and are acting superior to your family. There's no need to say all the disparaging "biggest pot full to the brim of lentils" or all the faffing. Your purposefully making even the simplest of actions seem negative.

Ilikethisone · 05/09/2019 13:13

I get why you are pissed off.

However quotes like and in dire need of a bit of extra nutrition. to me, makes you sound like you are just trying to make this into a bigger thing. Its almost as though you are trying to medicalise the fact that you were hungry.

'My husband doesnt notice when I am in need of extra nutrition/animal protein' is a bit over the top.

Also if you cooked for your daughter and she said 'I dont like it, dont you care enough to make a decent meal', what would you have responded.

Also, your husband didnt here you the first time. Then you said 'wheres mine' when he oatcakes. He obviously though you wanted oatcakes. You sentence does suggest you want the same.

I get annoyed about it being a mess. I get being annoyed he didnt hear you, the first time, if he generally doesnt listen.

But I think you are also being a tad unreasonable

DragonMummy14182 · 05/09/2019 13:14

Sounds like a bad day. Your dd is moving out soon so don't let it get you down. 💐

AE18 · 05/09/2019 13:14

@singingsoprano

What's the point, then, if others have missed it?

sweeneytoddsrazor · 05/09/2019 13:14

If the OP had started her post saying her DD didn't like her cooking then everyone would be saying DD needs to do her own cooking. Cant see why this should be any different

Zakana · 05/09/2019 13:24

@ScreamingLadySutch I believe you may have a background in biological sciences, like me, I’ve never heard anyone else outside of this realm speak of biological and biochemical reactions and processes in this way! It’s all true by the way......

Weezol · 05/09/2019 13:41

YADNBU. I'd be fucked off too. I suggest you stop off for a meal on your way home tonight be it Chinese,McD's, curry whatever. Eat in the restaurant and enjoy not clearing up.

But I just feel so defeated. It doesn't seem that much to want to come back to a cleanish house when two people have been in all day. And for one of those people to cook an edible meal.

It's not much to want to be taken into consideration. It's not a bout the cheese, that's just a demonstration of the thoughtlessness of the people you live with.

Maybe show your husband the link or use it as the basis for a conversation:

www.huffpost.com/entry/she-divorced-me-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink_b_9055288

Kiwiinkits · 05/09/2019 13:48

Menopause?
Because YAB a tad unreasonable.

BarbariansMum · 05/09/2019 13:50

Imagine the responses if the OP was the husband coming home from work to wife and daughter. He'd have been handed his arse on a platter at least it'd fulfill his need for animal protein

topcat2014 · 05/09/2019 13:54

How is rice and lentils a meal? I'm with the OP, and couldn't get past that myself.

BarbariansMum · 05/09/2019 13:56

Rice and dahl (lentils) make a whole variety of delicious meals if you flavour them correctly.Hmm

BitOftheSea · 05/09/2019 13:59

Rice and lentils is a daily meal for millions of people around the world and perfectly usual in the UK. How odd to pretend that’s not true.

Italiangreyhound · 05/09/2019 14:03

YADNBU.

Ilikethisone · 05/09/2019 14:08

@BarbariansMum exactly.

Imagine a man complaining he came hi.e his daughter was cooking and there pots in the sink. His wife is retired. And both failed to give him adequate nutrition and animal fats, whole he signed and huffed and puffed.

And worst of all, his wife got him the wrong crackers with his cheese.

No one would give him time of day moaning about how shit his life was and how he has expectations of meal quality since he is the only earner.

MyCatsHat · 05/09/2019 14:14

I'd have some sympathy with that man if he worked and did almost all the housework as well.

Re rice and lentils, I love dahl and rice for tea if it's nice and well-cooked. But I don't think there are many people in the world who only eat those things - they may be staples but people also eat various fresh local fruit and veg, otherwise they'd die of scurvy.

justasking111 · 05/09/2019 14:27

Kick your DH up the arse a messy house after a day at work when he is retired is not on. Tell him to instruct DD to do her bit.

my OH would tidy up and cook dinner that I would come home to.

If your DH worked and you didn`t what would he say when he came home to a messy house and a vile meal every night.

MsPepperPotts · 05/09/2019 14:38

I would change your routine OP
On the days you are working take yourself out for something to eat after you have finished work and before you go home.
That way you get some time alone to decompress before you get home, you have a nice meal and a bit of relaxation, perhaps have a nap in the car as well before you drive home Smile.
Let the DH and DD sort themselves out

mbosnz · 05/09/2019 14:41

I could swear I've seen a few threads, where the DH was a WOHP, and the poster was a SAHP.

The SAHP daring to complain that her DH doesn't help around the house and complains about her cooking, and being very firmly told that as the SAHP she should be doing all the cleaning and cooking nice meals.

Waveysnail · 05/09/2019 14:46

I'd start having nice lunch at work and just have soup or crackers etc when you get in.

billy1966 · 05/09/2019 14:58

Re the dahl.

A nicely made one is so delicious and a favourite of mine.

A watery one sounds disgusting.

Swipe left for the next trending thread