... about husband and (sort of) adult daughter.

[JennieLee]

Husband is retired. 22 year old daughter is currently at home - not working - though will soon be moving out to start job and live in flat in another city. I'm doing freelance work of a type that can be quite draining - unpredictable, working with varied teams, demanding clients, lots of flexibility required.

I got back yesterday to find loads of undone washing up all over the kitchen and my daughter looking very sorry for herself while stirring our biggest pan which was completely full of lentils coming to the boil.

I asked her what was up and she said she was tired after going to the shops. The bag of flour she'd bought had been heavy.

I probably sighed and then she started saying why was I angry with her. I said it had been a long day for me and focused on making myself a couple of tea and getting out of the way.

The eventual meal - my daughter has vegan tendencies - was a very watery bland dhal and rice. My husband has been away and she's been cooking pulses with rice constantly in his absence. I ate what was on my plate but refused a second helping.

While they were eating seconds I got up and had some Stilton on a cracker - perhaps because I'd been very physically active at work, my body was craving a bit of animal protein.

My husband can never see anyone eating without wanting to have the same thing himself. So after his second helping he get up and began to get cheese and biscuits for himself. I said, 'Can you do me Stilton and a cracker too'.

Normally it's the other way round. I am up and he'll ask if I'd just get him something - so I'm constantly making him toast or fetching jam or salt or making him tea.

He started faffing about and saying did I want him to have Stilton rather than a cheddar. I said No, have what you like. About five minutes later he sat down with a plate of Stilton on oatcakes for himself. I said 'Where's mine?' 'Oh did you want some as well?' he asked. He then got me - after more faffing - a very tiny bit of Stilton on an oatcake.

This was the point where I got cross and said, 'I asked for a cracker. Do I have to ask four times to get something really simple? He said he hadn't heard. My daughter then got up and got me a cracker.

But I just feel so defeated. It doesn't seem that much to want to come back to a cleanish house when two people have been in all day. And for one of those people to cook an edible meal. Or for the other person to be able to fetch me a bit of cheese if the meal is not that great.

I just feel my life is pretty shit right now.

You dh needed to clean up since you DD shopped and cooked for you all. I have no clue why you are angry with her. And you DH didn't really do anything offensive either. Just ask him to do the dishes.

They are adults so can figure out for themselves that work needs to be done around the house...

BlackCatSleeping, did you read what the OP wrote about the state of the house?

The two adults she is dealing with are lazy idlers who are clearly used to never lifting a finger and wouldn't recognize housework that needed to be done if it jumped up and bit them in the bum.

Sounds like you are overreacting because you are tired. I wish someone would make me dinner once in a while, especially a healthy Dahl and rice. I always cook for my DD and just pick for myself in the evenings. And your partner doesn’t sound malicious, it sounds like a misunderstanding.

You have to wonder how your daughter can possibly be tired by just doing a bit of shopping! In a normal household you shop, put shopping away, possibly some other household task and have probably been working all day.. you cant be tired from just a bit of shopping unless it was a 3 mile walk there and back with heavy bags I.e. more than 3/4 - I'd be livid at the tired comment too!!

OH is a dire cook and is limited in what he does, however if he has been at home all day and I have been out since before 7 I refuse to prepare the meal for the family and have on occasion said I cant eat this crap!

OP - you had a rubbish day, your meal was awful and 2 people who effectively did very little tipped you over the edge. You need to clearly lay out the expectations you have when you have been out of the house all day - introduce a pair of scales to DD so she can measure correct quantities of pulses and grains and print out some flavour some recipes that she can follow.

Good luck!

Wow interesting @JennieLee 🙄

We only have it on OPs word that there was even anything wrong with the meal, yet everyone is treating it as fact.

That's the nature of the website. We can only go on the information made available by OP.

If the meal wasn't good, it's ok to tell her that you appreciate her cooking but it wasn't great

And if you said that to me, I would tell you where you could shove your Animal Protein

@Weezol

Yes obviously it's the nature of the website, but some things are factual and some things are highly subjective, like how nice a meal was.

OPs post is full of hyperbole about the cooking, yet her daughter and husband both had seconds so it clearly wasn't "inedible". She's also made a point of saying she can't cope without animal protein, and a Dahl is never going to have that so it sounds like she would have been disappointed with this meal either way as in her opinion, a meal ought to have animal protein in it.

In my opinion, it's rude to be quite as upfront about not liking a meal someone has made for you as OP and some other commenters have been, but in any case, I don't get the sense that her daughter is necessarily the world's worst cook. OP is clearly the type to look for things to be bothered by.

Strikes me you need a big hug.
Plus a pat on the back .
Sending both !
By contrast your daughter and husband need a metaphorical kick up the pants

• or the real thing if you arrive back from work to a messy house

Your feelings are quite understandable. How people can even think you are somehow in the wrong I can’t fathom .

OP, I am entirely on your side and I cannot believe the comments which are supporting yours useless, lazy, inconsiderate family. You are keeping them and they are taking you for granted. You need to reset the clock on expectations.

And no, lentils are not a meal for a breadwinner. I suspect it is far too late to change entrenched entitlement and you will be too fond of then to issue ultimatums to the DH who doesn’t give a damn about you and the DD who needs to grow up, get a job and pay something back into society.

If so, you can expect the same dire treatment for the rest of your life.

@mathanxiety

Yes, she just said the washing up wasn’t done, which is hardly the crime of the century. As long as they did the washing up before bed, I think it’s ok.

Like I said, it’s hard to gauge from the OP whether the house was really messy or if it just wasn’t clean to the OP’s standards. 🤷‍♀️

Yanbu because of the dahl alone. I spent 2 weeks in Nepal and had dahl every day. And there were no 'interesting spices' in it either.
I started off unimpressed. By the end of the 2nd week, I just couldn't bloody face it anymore

No Hun it’s not too much to ask for. Don’t take any notice of those saying you were being unreasonable.

I feel sorry for your daughter. She cooked you a meal and you moan about it and insult it (maybe not to her face but I bet she picked up on your disgust) then refuse seconds but snack in front of her (by this point she will know you think her efforts were crap and is probably feeling rather rubbish about herself)

They're not mind readers OP. If you don't say anything to them about the washing, cooking, how they can be of more assistance to you as you're so busy etc then nothing is going to change and all the moaning in the world to MN is going to change that. Go talk to them!

OP, I am entirely on your side and I cannot believe the comments which are supporting yours useless, lazy, inconsiderate family. You are keeping them and they are taking you for granted. You need to reset the clock on expectations.

And no, lentils are not a meal for a breadwinner.

Imagine the reaction if a man said this. You're ultimately advising that because OP earns money (note her husband is retired so I assume brings in income too from his pension), she can dictate how the food is cooked, and how quickly her daughter cleans up the cooking mess, and her husband's listening skills.

It's very rude not to be thankful about someone cooking for her, regardless of whether OP likes the meal or not. Really bad manners you've displayed towards your daughter OP. If OP doesn't like her daughter's cooking then I suggest she asks her husband to make food for her or she puts something in the slow cooker to come home to. And gently explain to her daughter that it's not to be rude, that she just wants non- vegan food.

I really don't understand most of these posts.

The OP had been working all day and is the only working adult in this house and she in the wrong for expecting the other 2 non working adults to have enough common sense to clean and tidy the home during the day. And yes have a cooked meal when she got home.

The DD is not a vegan she just lazy and 'cooking' that easy.

If it was me I would start treating them as they are treating you, no more cooking, washing clothes and cleaning up after them. They can eat the slop that DD cooks, make yourself a nice dinner when you get home, start chucking their mess they leave around the communal area's chuck in a bin bag and stick it the shed/garage.

I hear you loud and clear on this one. I spend the whole summer holidays in a state of almost constant simmering resentment over the fact that as the only person working in the house I come back to a messy house.

I've ranted so much about it that they are now all terrified of me, but not enough to put any action into tidying. I have given up.

I know your post will seem unreasonable to some, especially the vegan bits, but it smack to me of a dripping tap that's finally got on your nerves.

I've given up with my lot.

I feel for you as you seem to be very fed up . You will have to tell them how you feel and give them a share of chores to do.
I am going back to work in 6 weeks and my family each know what they need to do to support that as I have said that I will no longer do everything. We have a list drawn up with names against it - doesn’t sound much fun I know but then it’s zero fun for the person who ends up with all housekeeping , cooking , shopping and cleaning duties !
Sometimes threatening to leave works 😂

Due to ongoing ‘selective hearing’ syndrome I now text things to my partner so that he can’t claim that I didn’t say something clearly enough. A cracker is different to an oatcake, and people need to pull their weight. Yanbu

And no, lentils are not a meal for a breadwinner.

Nothing wrong with lentils.

They are rich in protein and low in fat, and very versatile. I luffs them!

she just said the washing up wasn’t done, which is hardly the crime of the century. As long as they did the washing up before bed, I think it’s ok.

Like I said, it’s hard to gauge from the OP whether the house was really messy or if it just wasn’t clean to the OP’s standards.

@BlackCatSleeping, this is what she said about the washing up:
I got back yesterday to find loads of undone washing up all over the kitchen
Not just a case of washing up not done then.
There were dirty items not even in the sink. This speaks volumes about her DD and DH.

Also, she said she wants to come home to a cleanish house, so we can infer that the house was a mess and also that she isn't looking for standards Mrs Hinch would be proud of.

I keep seeing this as a thread I am on, that was from Thursday, so I assumed there must be lots of input from the OP that you are all discussing. In fact the OP left the thread early on, probably all those lentils eh?

You are possibly a better cook than the OP's DD, SchadenfreudPersonified.

Your daughter and your husband should both look after you and do the washing up.

I taught my kids to cook really well.
I always have a fridge full of cheeses too