... about husband and (sort of) adult daughter.

[JennieLee]

Husband is retired. 22 year old daughter is currently at home - not working - though will soon be moving out to start job and live in flat in another city. I'm doing freelance work of a type that can be quite draining - unpredictable, working with varied teams, demanding clients, lots of flexibility required.

I got back yesterday to find loads of undone washing up all over the kitchen and my daughter looking very sorry for herself while stirring our biggest pan which was completely full of lentils coming to the boil.

I asked her what was up and she said she was tired after going to the shops. The bag of flour she'd bought had been heavy.

I probably sighed and then she started saying why was I angry with her. I said it had been a long day for me and focused on making myself a couple of tea and getting out of the way.

The eventual meal - my daughter has vegan tendencies - was a very watery bland dhal and rice. My husband has been away and she's been cooking pulses with rice constantly in his absence. I ate what was on my plate but refused a second helping.

While they were eating seconds I got up and had some Stilton on a cracker - perhaps because I'd been very physically active at work, my body was craving a bit of animal protein.

My husband can never see anyone eating without wanting to have the same thing himself. So after his second helping he get up and began to get cheese and biscuits for himself. I said, 'Can you do me Stilton and a cracker too'.

Normally it's the other way round. I am up and he'll ask if I'd just get him something - so I'm constantly making him toast or fetching jam or salt or making him tea.

He started faffing about and saying did I want him to have Stilton rather than a cheddar. I said No, have what you like. About five minutes later he sat down with a plate of Stilton on oatcakes for himself. I said 'Where's mine?' 'Oh did you want some as well?' he asked. He then got me - after more faffing - a very tiny bit of Stilton on an oatcake.

This was the point where I got cross and said, 'I asked for a cracker. Do I have to ask four times to get something really simple? He said he hadn't heard. My daughter then got up and got me a cracker.

But I just feel so defeated. It doesn't seem that much to want to come back to a cleanish house when two people have been in all day. And for one of those people to cook an edible meal. Or for the other person to be able to fetch me a bit of cheese if the meal is not that great.

I just feel my life is pretty shit right now.

*its now evoke the norm

I think you're rude and rather passive aggressive to slag off your DD's cooking, and refuse seconds but eat cheese and crackers in front of her instead. Your DH didn't deserve your sniping for getting your 'order' wrong either.
What you should be annoyed about however is the state of the kitchen, unless of course it was a one off and your DD and DH were just saving the washing up to all be done after dinner for whatever reason. If though the two of them don't pull their weight at home in general then it'd be much better if you spelt out what it is you require of them-even though you shouldn't need to I know-rather than sit and seethe.

Some of you are really harsh. I've seen plenty of threads where posters vent about very trivial non-issues, where there isn't the OP's excuse of coming home from work tired and stressed to two adults who aren't working.

You sound a little ungracious of your daughter's cooking. I wonder how you would feel if you made a meal for people and they showed their dislike of it's 'wateriness' and 'lack of animal protein'. Your daughter and OH may not have the same standards of a clean kitchen as you and I guess you all need to find a way to compromise whilst still being respectful to each other. My OH would do exactly this with crackers but he's a little deaf and not yet admitting the scale of the problem to himself. If you think your OH deliberately got the wrong thing and ignored you, your marriage has a big problem. If not, then you are probably over-reacting to his faffing.

OP, you do come across as a bit of a martyr here and your DD sounds the same! I can imagine you both sighing at each other across the kitchen!

What also comes across is that you don't feel your contribution is recognised by either your DH or your DD - but clear communication is the way to confirm that, none of these 'oh, if they really appreciated what I was doing for them they would get me a cracker/cook something other than lentil' tests that you are currently using. That way, only disappointment lies!

Sit down and talk (without sighing).

We have often had cheese and crackers after a meal, I wouldn’t be offended if people had that afterwards and I was the cook.

I think as the only working adult I too would have been really hacked off at such a mess, I’m assuming this is the norm and not a one off hence you running out of patience.

Forget it was a vegan dinner the same food a few days in a row is always a bit of a chore. I have no idea why your getting such a roasting on here. But threads tend to start to slide one way or the other and then others seem to often run with it.

@Adversecamber22

It's not the having cheese and crackers, it's the attitude around her daughters meal, which was clearly noticeable because her daughter questioned it soon after she came in.

If someone was as derisive and critical of something I'd cooked for them and didn't play it off as a friendly joke (ie we're all laughing together about how it didn't go well and never mind) then I would not be cooking for them again.

That is much rider than any of the things OP is complaining about.

Firstly at 22 your daughter is an adult, not sort of. I think you sound rude, getting up and making crackers and cheese right after dinner. I bet if a teenager did that on here some people would be calling them ungrateful and rude.

She went to the shop and cooked without nagging, okay you didn't like the food but Dahl is a decent, filling meal and you sounded quite snooty about it. Your husband is more to blame here as he did a lot less than your daughter. It would be him I would be having words with, especially as your daughter is leaving soon.

I also hate competitive tiredness, no one wins in those kind of arguments

Only thing I would say is is it the norm in your house not to offer when you get something?

In il's house it isn't. You get your own. If someone else wants the same they can ask, or help themselves. Not in a rude way as such, there's just an understanding that anyone can go in the kitchen and eat what they want. Don't wait to be asked!

I was brought up that the above would be very rude in someone else's house. Wait til you're offered something.

So in your scenario I would have waited til everyone had finished or nearly finished, said I'm going to have crackers and cheese, anyone else want some. DH would do what you did, get up and make his own. Then when everyone else saw it and decided they wanted some, and pull the "you didn't ask" line.

I've had to point out to DH that I don't know he's made cheese and crackers until I see it.

Difference is I think mil buys in bulk from costco so they never run out of stuff. I budget weekly, so if dh eats all the crisps/stilton without asking if anyone else wants some, there's none left for anyone else. Then people get cross.

It does all sound very irritating, but without more context it doesn’t really add up to a rubbish life. Are other things ok? Are you feeling low generally?

Why isn’t daughter helping with housework etc?

You were tired and cranky, so primed to be unreasonable.

So you are, a bit, because your response is out of proportion. But it happens to all of us.

I was incredibly unreasonable at 9pm yesterday when after a fantastically busy day, sodding Virgin connection wouldn't show me Taskmaster.

There was no one around to be the victim of it.

It would be the doing sod-all in the house that would pee me off.

I would eat almost anything when I'm hungry, and if I'd found the dahl a bot flavourless would have bunged some extra curry powder/ chilli sauce on it.

But for there to be two (presumeably able) adult in the house, and to come back to washing up, laundry, a kitchen like a tip - I would have lost it at that.

*bit, not bot

I'm happy to eat largely vegetarian food, but I think several successive days of pulses, root veg and white rice without much in the way of greens or salad - or anything that gives it a bit of crunch and texture, is rather monotonous. It's also very low in fat, so I don't find it very satisfying - I'll be hungry an hour later, which I'm not if I eat a bit of animal protein

Cook your own (animal) meals then!

I await the onslaught. I don’t care. I’ve never met a healthy vegan, without fail they all have awful breath skin, and are perpetually tired and have an inordinate amount of sick leave at work.

Yawn & bollocks

Going a bit against the grain but unless this is the result of being over tired or there is a huge back story, you sound hard work.

First world problems.

Why isn’t daughter helping with housework etc?

Hang on - the daughter went food shopping and cooked dinner! Surely the question should be why isn't the husband doing the housework seeing as he's retired and at home all day?

Same here. H had been working from home all day, dishwasher wasn't emptied, breakfast plates still on side etc. I just poured myself a glass of red and sat in the conservatory.

You were tired, so over reacted but the mess & rather minimal meal (watery rice sounds a bit bleurgh) would piss me off. Lay down some ground rules re tidiness & get some food in that's ultra quick & easy after a long day: pasta, noodles for a stir fry etc.

So on your own account you sighed, made clear you didn't like the meal and made a passive aggressive show of getting c2 sets of cheese & crackers because you didn't like the meal and then had a go at DH about him no t understanding that you wanted second helpingsof crackers.

Yes, YABU

And is a kitchen with food being cooked from scratch ever anything but messy?

You are not being unreasonable and there are many posters completely missing the point here, for some reason.

OP it sounds like you need a weekend away with some good girlfriends, put the world to rights, compare notes on families and realise that actually yours isn't so bad, and perhaps make changes to your freelance work if it's 'draining'? Could you talk to someone in HR about how to make it more sustainable and enjoyable there? Even if it means others have to be more organised in order to get you up to speed quickly on each task? As a freelance myself I totally understand the stress of a bad briefing, varied teams and unpredictable work days. I wouldn't sniff at any meal I'd been prepared, but perhaps more open communication to address the issues about veganism and wanting a more varied diet would help too. As for your DH, the fact that he got you a cheese biscuit of ANY sort would be a win in my books. It sounds like you feed undervalued, unsupported and seething with resentment, ready to snap at any time, over the smallest thing. Talk to your family they do love you.