... about husband and (sort of) adult daughter.

[JennieLee]

Husband is retired. 22 year old daughter is currently at home - not working - though will soon be moving out to start job and live in flat in another city. I'm doing freelance work of a type that can be quite draining - unpredictable, working with varied teams, demanding clients, lots of flexibility required.

I got back yesterday to find loads of undone washing up all over the kitchen and my daughter looking very sorry for herself while stirring our biggest pan which was completely full of lentils coming to the boil.

I asked her what was up and she said she was tired after going to the shops. The bag of flour she'd bought had been heavy.

I probably sighed and then she started saying why was I angry with her. I said it had been a long day for me and focused on making myself a couple of tea and getting out of the way.

The eventual meal - my daughter has vegan tendencies - was a very watery bland dhal and rice. My husband has been away and she's been cooking pulses with rice constantly in his absence. I ate what was on my plate but refused a second helping.

While they were eating seconds I got up and had some Stilton on a cracker - perhaps because I'd been very physically active at work, my body was craving a bit of animal protein.

My husband can never see anyone eating without wanting to have the same thing himself. So after his second helping he get up and began to get cheese and biscuits for himself. I said, 'Can you do me Stilton and a cracker too'.

Normally it's the other way round. I am up and he'll ask if I'd just get him something - so I'm constantly making him toast or fetching jam or salt or making him tea.

He started faffing about and saying did I want him to have Stilton rather than a cheddar. I said No, have what you like. About five minutes later he sat down with a plate of Stilton on oatcakes for himself. I said 'Where's mine?' 'Oh did you want some as well?' he asked. He then got me - after more faffing - a very tiny bit of Stilton on an oatcake.

This was the point where I got cross and said, 'I asked for a cracker. Do I have to ask four times to get something really simple? He said he hadn't heard. My daughter then got up and got me a cracker.

But I just feel so defeated. It doesn't seem that much to want to come back to a cleanish house when two people have been in all day. And for one of those people to cook an edible meal. Or for the other person to be able to fetch me a bit of cheese if the meal is not that great.

I just feel my life is pretty shit right now.

Where the is young kids. The working person should help out. But if a 'house wife' posts saying he expects hee to do everything she is told he sees her as an employee, not a partner

Also in this situation, as he is retired. Theres a good chance he does have have an income. So while op, may be the only one working. It doesnt mean she is the only one paying bills.

It is not about who earns what, but sharing the domestic chores imo.

I honestly can't see what they did wrong here. Why do dishes have to be done by the time you get home. What's wrong with doing them after dinner.

They both sounds like lazy articles. The menu choice sounds boring and monotonous and I'd be upset and hangry to come home day after day to something so dull, regardless of someone cooking for me.

Your DH was getting seconds and you had cheese on a cracker. He then got up to make thirds and in that scenario my oh would ask if I wanted anything and I him.

Your 22 yo daughter isn't kind of an adult. I have been financially independent from when I got a Saturday job at 15 and left home at 19. 22 is grown.

DH and I take turns making dinner. We decide together what to have even if the other one is making it. I like vegetarian and vegan food but watery dahl doesn't do it for me. You did well to eat it for one meal. If your dd makes enough for a few days let her eat it.

Same here. H had been working from home all day, dishwasher wasn't emptied, breakfast plates still on side etc. I just poured myself a glass of red and sat in the conservatory.

You are my new hero.

The thing is, at 22 you are not necessarily a great cook, it takes practice. I made quite a few watery/burnt/overseasoned or tasteless things before I got to the point where I could reliably rustle up a tasty meal. Luckily my family were patient.

The pathetic pot stirring face would have sent me over the edge. Did the poor baby have a tired arm?? The rest wouldn't bother me but I don't think you're unreasonable, they're driving you mad with their drippiness when you've had to be a proper adult all day. Slap them with a wet fish.

@Flamingnora💐

I get the OP, just being bloody cranky.

My family enjoy the fruits of a well kept home and I have zero tolerance for them thinking it's ok to abdicate any responsibility for the environment they live in when I'm not there.

However, I am in my 50's, mid menopause, and taking very little shit from anyone over the past couple of years!

I think, is it @Adaline?, hitting the conservatory with the vino, has it absolutely right, and leave that vile watery dahl to whomever wants to eat it.

The older I get the more I appreciate the absolute stupidity of any martyrdom. Spell it out loud and clearly to those you live with, do not expect them to just know what you expect and want. 👍

I've been on both sides of thisnot being a fan of what was being cooked, and cooking and people bitching and moaning about it. So I hear where you're coming from. However when you're not a fan of what's being cooked it isn't very nice and even quite hurtful to criticise itit's your responsibility to get or make something else that you like instead.

When I have had people complain about what I'm making for dinner it's been the worst feeling. I used to cook for my family which included one real meat eater and one vegetarian so someone was always unhappy. For the record, the meat eater kept a bag of meatballs or something in the freezer so when we made vegetarian food she could stick them in the oven and add them to her meal. (I'm neither the vegetarian nor the person who wants meat with every meal in this story!)

it's your responsibility to get or make something else that you like instead.

She did - cheese and crackers.

You sound hard work. I'm sure your body wasn't craving animal protein. How dramatic.

The messy house would irritate me and the faffing uncommunicative husband. I'd happily eat the lentil dhal and crack out some hot pepper sauce to season it with if it was a little bland. Whilst boring at least lentils are at least vaguely nutritious and count towards one of your five a day. I don't remember the last time my DP cooked for me though, normally 'his turn' involves take away or pub grub.

It's really annoying putting up with faffers and moaners and people who can't concoct a decent meal or tidy a house without making a big deal out of it, particularly if one is tired, hungry or has just been the only person at work all day.
I keep an emergency stash of chocolate to help me through times like this. It's probably best to not have an argument tonight, but when you're feeling not so tired, have a conversation about expectations and fairness.

I think it’s a mixed bag. You seem to be worn down by the daily grind, and if you cleaned the house and came home to it a mess, that would be very annoying in addition to the hard day. We all have our bad days, just try to take a deep breath and try not to snap at your loved ones about the little things (being tired/the cracker).

Your daughter tried to cook, and other factors may have made her very tired. I do wonder, have you taught her to cook? Offered constructive criticism? Why is she adding too much water?

I think it’s great she’s experimenting, but some good recipes would help. This one is a good one for lentils and potato soup, and if she wants it vegan, she can switch out the chicken broth for veggies broth and not add bacon.

cookinglsl.com/easy-lentil-potato-soup-recipe/

It’s hearty, certainly not watery, it’s flavorful, and a good source of protein. Which indeed you do need a good variety of protein sources, no matter if you’re an omnivore, a vegetarian, pescatarian, or vegan. Variety and sufficient amount is key, it doesn’t have to be animal protein. That was a bit dramatic to say the way you did.
Maybe you meant B12? That’s only in animal products (except for natto) which is why vegans use supplements/fortified food for it.

Another recipe she may want to try, which is spicy, is this one:

www.bettycrocker.com/recipes/spicy-mexican-corn-chowder/a605a4e4-e812-4799-9de9-46f184baf074

Again, substitute vegetable broth for chicken broth, leave out the bacon. Perhaps substitute full fat coconut cream for the heavy cream?

Not sure about your husband, being that he was home and should have cleaned up.

Maybe spend some quality time with your adult (not sort of) daughter and cook together.

I hope things ease up for you. I know how constant stress can wear you down.

You sound like an absolute pain in the arse. Clearly the food was edible and why on earth does it matter what size of pan she used? As for 'craving animal fats' can't stand people who can't let someone else be tired. Letting your daughter get up and get you cheese when she'd cooked is beyond bad-mannered.

If this is a regular occurrence, I could understand the problem. TBH, it seems like a bit of an over-reaction though.

You live with these people, but you talk about them with total disdain. Your daughter is trying to live a healthier, more ethical lifestyle, but instead of supporting her, you roll your eyes. If she doesn't know how to cook/clean, that's on you and your husband.

Your husband half-listening - well, that's just a personality foible tbh. Annoying but you could just as soon make a joke of it.

Unless there's loads more to this, I just don't think it's that big a deal.

You remind me of my mother which may be colouring my view. She thinks no one in the house does anything apart from her and anything we do is never good enough/healthy enough/tidy enough etc. She complains that when my dad does the dishes, they're not clean enough. I also used to think this would be annoying but honestly my husband does the same thing and yeah it is slightly annoying but not as annoying as him just not doing them. (He's not trying to get me to do them btw, he does them every night without fail.)

Also, all this chat of animal protein and expecting your husband to notice your nutritional needs...nah. Calm down.

Someone a little more perceptive might have caught onto the fact that I was tired, hungry after a day when I'd had only limited access to food,, struggling with our daughter's cooking - and in dire need of a bit of extra nutrition

I honestly sympathise with you. But you want people to divine your needs. These people have clearly got away with not noticing other people's (your) needs for many years, and you have contributed to this situation as you have had relationships with both of them for at least that long.

So sit DD down if she is the one who is going to be cooking, and create a meal plan that she will adhere to.

Sit DH down and create a housekeeping plan.

Make sure everyone knows they have to chip in an effort to keep the home in decent nick and cook.

You need to put in the effort to make them pull their weight. No more waiting for them to notice.

Bring some protein bars with you to keep the wolf from the door. You are responsible for feeding yourself and your own self care when you're out at work. It's not their fault that your job is so demanding.

"Same here. H had been working from home all day, dishwasher wasn't emptied, breakfast plates still on side etc. I just poured myself a glass of red and sat in the conservatory.

You are my new hero.

"

Why? Really? Why? A woman does something completely normal and it's held up as exceptional.

Stop being such a martyr. I regularly sit in a pretty filthy house ignoring all the shite around me and drinking tea. Am I your hero too? No, I'm just a lazy midden who generally can't be arsed.

I agree with a lot of the others. I cook a lot of vegan meals and I always add a lot of spices and herbs and they're always really flavorful. There are loads of great vegan meal recipes online and in books. It sounds like your daughter could try harder.

Normally it's the other way round. I am up and he'll ask if I'd just get him something - so I'm constantly making him toast or fetching jam or salt or making him tea.

I think you need to stop doing this. I also agree that maybe you are being a bit of a martyr. Just turn a blind eye to the dishes. I'm sure they will get done. It's a bit 1950s to expect to come home to a tidy house.

So sit DD down if she is the one who is going to be cooking, and create a meal plan that she will adhere to.

Sit DH down and create a housekeeping plan.

Make sure everyone knows they have to chip in an effort to keep the home in decent nick and cook.

You need to put in the effort to make them pull their weight. No more waiting for them to notice.

Bring some protein bars with you to keep the wolf from the door. You are responsible for feeding yourself and your own self care when you're out at work. It's not their fault that your job is so demanding.

Also, I disagree with pretty much all of this. It's a house of adults. The OP isn't in charge of managing everyone. Houses don't have to be spotless as long as they are tidy and the washing up is done by the end of the day. The daughter is old enough to make her own meal plans but needs to be considerate of other's needs. If the meal wasn't good, it's ok to tell her that you appreciate her cooking but it wasn't great.

I really like this website: www.connoisseurusveg.com/ Their recipes always turn out well. Maybe pass it on to her.

My kids are teens. My husband works. I study full time. I realized earlier this year that nobody spoke to me unless it was to ask me to supply a service, so I started charging for them. They thought I was joking at first. I pointed out that I was a person as well and nobody was remotely interested in me as a person, which was evident as nobody asked me any questions about my own life or feelings, etc.... so they either paid for services rendered or did it themselves.... cue laughter. The shopping wasn’t done. Neither was the laundry. They had no school uniforms on Monday morning.The email I sent to school contained the truth. “My children are late because I am making a statement about how much they take me for granted and they have only just realized that they do not have clean uniforms. They will be in when they are washed and dried. You have my complete permission to punish them accordingly.” My assignments were handed in early. My husband couldn’t find matching socks and had no undies. All of my clothes were clean and folded and put away. I had stashed things that I like to eat in my car and eaten out. They were totally oblivious. “Love! There’s no coffee!” It is amazing how much more respect you command when your silence affects their lives. I now do less for everyone, have more time for me, am spoken to with more respect (yes, they need reminding occasionally) and DH has stepped his game up, too. (Also needs reminding.)

I salute you justilou

@JennieLee

You sound just like me only I have a son who still lives at home (won't move out it is too comfy here)

My husband waits on my son hand and foot for example he is off work this week and we are at home. Yesterday we treated ourselves to lunch at The Ivy which was delicious. Son rings us to ask what is for dinner, I say cook yourself something or get a takeway. Husbands says we will be home in time to cook you something Damien. I just give up!!

So sit DD down if she is the one who is going to be cooking, and create a meal plan that she will adhere to.

Yeah, that'll end well. How much animal protein is there in your average 'fuck off'?

"The OP isn't in charge of managing everyone."

No she's not but what is the other solution?

To continue getting this wound up every day? I know what I'd rather do. An afternoon of biting my tongue and getting over the fact that I live with people who don't have the same expectations as me or a lifetime of feeling stressed and pissy.