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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

... about husband and (sort of) adult daughter.

203 replies

JennieLee · 05/09/2019 08:23

Husband is retired. 22 year old daughter is currently at home - not working - though will soon be moving out to start job and live in flat in another city. I'm doing freelance work of a type that can be quite draining - unpredictable, working with varied teams, demanding clients, lots of flexibility required.

I got back yesterday to find loads of undone washing up all over the kitchen and my daughter looking very sorry for herself while stirring our biggest pan which was completely full of lentils coming to the boil.

I asked her what was up and she said she was tired after going to the shops. The bag of flour she'd bought had been heavy.

I probably sighed and then she started saying why was I angry with her. I said it had been a long day for me and focused on making myself a couple of tea and getting out of the way.

The eventual meal - my daughter has vegan tendencies - was a very watery bland dhal and rice. My husband has been away and she's been cooking pulses with rice constantly in his absence. I ate what was on my plate but refused a second helping.

While they were eating seconds I got up and had some Stilton on a cracker - perhaps because I'd been very physically active at work, my body was craving a bit of animal protein.

My husband can never see anyone eating without wanting to have the same thing himself. So after his second helping he get up and began to get cheese and biscuits for himself. I said, 'Can you do me Stilton and a cracker too'.

Normally it's the other way round. I am up and he'll ask if I'd just get him something - so I'm constantly making him toast or fetching jam or salt or making him tea.

He started faffing about and saying did I want him to have Stilton rather than a cheddar. I said No, have what you like. About five minutes later he sat down with a plate of Stilton on oatcakes for himself. I said 'Where's mine?' 'Oh did you want some as well?' he asked. He then got me - after more faffing - a very tiny bit of Stilton on an oatcake.

This was the point where I got cross and said, 'I asked for a cracker. Do I have to ask four times to get something really simple? He said he hadn't heard. My daughter then got up and got me a cracker.

But I just feel so defeated. It doesn't seem that much to want to come back to a cleanish house when two people have been in all day. And for one of those people to cook an edible meal. Or for the other person to be able to fetch me a bit of cheese if the meal is not that great.

I just feel my life is pretty shit right now.

OP posts:
mathanxiety · 06/09/2019 05:27

It's not about animal protein Chamenanged.

mathanxiety · 06/09/2019 05:30

Star justilou

PositiveVibez · 06/09/2019 05:36

Yabu for saying your 'body was craving animal protein'

Yanbu to be pissed off to come home to a messy house.

mathanxiety · 06/09/2019 05:38

It's not about 'managing everyone', BlackCatSleeping.

It's about clear communication.

It's about making sure she gets what she wants by the simple means of telling people what that is.

Grown adults shouldn't need telling that the house won't clean itself, or that nobody wants to eat beige coloured slop with rice five nights in succession.

If she wants to come home to a clean house and dishes in the dishwasher, plus a balanced meal, and she is relying on this pair of people to do that for her, then she needs to sit them down and make it clear that this must be their contribution to keeping the show on the road. They can all discuss whether her expectations are realistic.

She can decide if they are unreasonable and won't co-operate whether any of them can enjoy the benefits of whatever she contributes to the upkeep of the home and its occupants.

Oblomov19 · 06/09/2019 05:44

Eh? Your complaining about your DD batch cooking? Hmm
Dhal is extremely tasty. If cooked properly.

chamenanged · 06/09/2019 05:57

No, I realise that, I was being slightly flippant. The point stands that the OP would fully deserve to be told to fuck off if she 'sat her daughter down to create a meal plan that she would adhere to'.

Weezol · 06/09/2019 09:01

justilou1 Outstanding work!

BlackCatSleeping · 06/09/2019 10:52

It's not about 'managing everyone', BlackCatSleeping.

It's about clear communication.

It's about making sure she gets what she wants by the simple means of telling people what that is.

Fair enough, but that wasn't really what you said in your post. You were like, make a cleaning schedule for your husband and make sure he sticks to it, make a food plan for your daughter and make sure she sticks to it. That is pretty much managing everyone and completely different from just telling them that they need to pull their weight more. They are adults so can figure out for themselves that the living room needs a hoover or the dishes need doing.

I'm not clear how much the OP's husband actually does around the house though. If he does no cleaning, he needs a kick up the arse. If he does a lot, but it's just a bit messy when the OP gets home, I think that's ok.

If it was one bad meal, it happens. If it's been weeks of bad meals, it needs sorting. The OP shouldn't have to eat protein bars on her way home because the food at home is so crap.

MsPepperPotts · 06/09/2019 10:57

justilou1 You are a flipping hero!

SchadenfreudePersonified · 06/09/2019 15:15

Stop being such a martyr. I regularly sit in a pretty filthy house ignoring all the shite around me and drinking tea. Am I your hero too? No, I'm just a lazy midden who generally can't be arsed.

I'm not being a martyr - I regularly do eff-all myself.

Lighten up you miserable tosser! Grin

LiveInAHidingPlace · 06/09/2019 15:23

"Lighten up you miserable tosser"

One could say quite the same to you

SchadenfreudePersonified · 06/09/2019 16:19

Feel free hidingplace

One doesn't care about the opinion of someone who says "quite the same"

Toomuchtrouble4me · 06/09/2019 17:31

Well, your daughter is cooking - she’s young, her cooking will improve.
Sounds like DH mid-heard you.
YABU - and a bit grouchy imo.

EllenMP · 06/09/2019 17:46

Sounds like your daughter hasn't got the hang of cooking yet but at least is trying, and your husband is oblivious. I would try to be clearer about your expectations re laundry, cleaning and cooking so they know what you want from them.

I sympathise with coming home after a hard day to a mess when you have (semi) adults there all day doing bugger all. If your daughter is leaving soon anyway, though, there isn't much point in trying to retrain her. But maybe have a talk with husband about trying a bit of cooking?

If you can afford it, maybe try Hello Fresh or Gousto? I found them to be a great crash course in cooking for my teenagers, who were happy to try to manage the recipes alone. They have vegetarian (not sure about vegan) recipes, which your daughter could use to make you a less bland meal while learning how to do so by herself in future, and maybe your husband would join her at the hob and take it over when she moves out? You might feel ok about pushing off the laundry to the weekend if you came home to a nice meal on weeknights!

Weezol · 06/09/2019 17:59

I am amazed by all these 20 somethings who 'can't really cook yet'.

It's following a set of instructions. Like using software, driving, doing an online booking.

There are 22 year olds cashing up in shops, running software networks, making deliveries, building houses. Raising children. Working in banks, at GCHQ and on public transport.

Are they all 'not-quite adults'?

BarbariansMum · 06/09/2019 18:03

I was very much an adult and still found cooking a bit hit and miss at 22, despite liking it and despite having done it for years. As a student I basically lived on veggie sauce with pasta (cheap) and when I ventured beyond this, things sometimes went wrong.

sunshine11 · 06/09/2019 18:08

Have you had a family talk about expectations of each other? It sounds like you’re annoyed because they’re not mind readers. It also sounds like your family love you and are doing their best, as I expect you are.

If your husband is retired is it reasonable to expect him to do most of the cooking? If not, why not? Similarly with daughter, should she be doing all the cooking? Whose job is the cleaning?

Maybe you could all sit down and list all the jobs and discuss how to fairly divvy them up?!

nuxe1984 · 06/09/2019 18:09

Give them a list of chores you want them to do each day.
Plan meals for the week and do an online shop for the ingredients. Then put said list up and tell them this is what they're cooking for dinner. Include food for you - you don't have to eat exactly the same as your DD, you can add other stuff to your plate.

AE18 · 06/09/2019 18:10

@Weezol

We only have it on OPs word that there was even anything wrong with the meal, yet everyone is treating it as fact.

The way I see it, she was in a grouchy mood and looking to be annoyed at this point (we've all been there), is a big meat eater and probably wouldn't have enjoyed even a well cooked Dahl.

funnylittlefloozie · 06/09/2019 18:15

I couldnt be doing with this sort of rubbish.... i would have given the "dhal" to the dog, gone and got myself a Chinese and eaten it in front of them both!

SolitudeAtAltitude · 06/09/2019 18:15

sorry but this is so silly

Your DD cooked a meal, you did not like it, so helped yourself to crackers.

Your DH then also wants crackers.

You then ask more crackers, but you can not get them yourself (why)

you are then pissed off with both, for no reason

Honestly, such non-issues!

You were just in a pissed-off mood. Poor them!

AlansLeftMoob · 06/09/2019 18:30

I have a DH with selective hearing so I genuinely think your DH probably thought you were telling him to have Stilton with his cracker (as in to not use the cheddar). But I do understand why you got annoyed, it's very annoying to come home to something like that. I hope very much you went to bed early with a big cuppa and they cleaned up after themselves?

AE18 · 06/09/2019 18:32

@funnylittlefloozie
You must be very rude then.

Jamhandprints · 06/09/2019 18:46

I think it's sad that your DD has walked to the shops and cooked a healthy dinner...and it's not good enough for you.
And I don't know why you're so annoyed about a cracker.
But the washing up would annoy me.
But the fact that you can get so upset about the difference between an oatcake and a cracker tells me it's probably not that bad a life.

Mrsmadevans · 06/09/2019 18:49

It's the cracker that broke the workhorses back OP .