... about husband and (sort of) adult daughter.

[JennieLee]

Husband is retired. 22 year old daughter is currently at home - not working - though will soon be moving out to start job and live in flat in another city. I'm doing freelance work of a type that can be quite draining - unpredictable, working with varied teams, demanding clients, lots of flexibility required.

I got back yesterday to find loads of undone washing up all over the kitchen and my daughter looking very sorry for herself while stirring our biggest pan which was completely full of lentils coming to the boil.

I asked her what was up and she said she was tired after going to the shops. The bag of flour she'd bought had been heavy.

I probably sighed and then she started saying why was I angry with her. I said it had been a long day for me and focused on making myself a couple of tea and getting out of the way.

The eventual meal - my daughter has vegan tendencies - was a very watery bland dhal and rice. My husband has been away and she's been cooking pulses with rice constantly in his absence. I ate what was on my plate but refused a second helping.

While they were eating seconds I got up and had some Stilton on a cracker - perhaps because I'd been very physically active at work, my body was craving a bit of animal protein.

My husband can never see anyone eating without wanting to have the same thing himself. So after his second helping he get up and began to get cheese and biscuits for himself. I said, 'Can you do me Stilton and a cracker too'.

Normally it's the other way round. I am up and he'll ask if I'd just get him something - so I'm constantly making him toast or fetching jam or salt or making him tea.

He started faffing about and saying did I want him to have Stilton rather than a cheddar. I said No, have what you like. About five minutes later he sat down with a plate of Stilton on oatcakes for himself. I said 'Where's mine?' 'Oh did you want some as well?' he asked. He then got me - after more faffing - a very tiny bit of Stilton on an oatcake.

This was the point where I got cross and said, 'I asked for a cracker. Do I have to ask four times to get something really simple? He said he hadn't heard. My daughter then got up and got me a cracker.

But I just feel so defeated. It doesn't seem that much to want to come back to a cleanish house when two people have been in all day. And for one of those people to cook an edible meal. Or for the other person to be able to fetch me a bit of cheese if the meal is not that great.

I just feel my life is pretty shit right now.

But you had already made yourself crackers and cheese. So in his head he's probably thinking that you can't be asking for that as you've already had dinner and the stilton/crackers.

I await the onslaught. I don’t care. I’ve never met a healthy vegan, without fail they all have awful breath skin, and are perpetually tired and have an inordinate amount of sick leave at work.

What utter bollocks. I work with at least 5 other vegans, we all run our own businesses so I can assure you there's no sick leave as we don't get paid. My skin and breath are good and I've just been to the gym. Idiot.

I probably wouldn't have made a big fuss over someone making me a snack in front of someone else who has made me a meal, even if I didn't like that meal. That's rude.

I sometimes have washing in the kitchen, ready to go in soon, got distracted by having to make dinner, and I'll get to it later.

I'd be very unhappy if my partner or child came home from a day at work/ studying only to huff and puff that I wasn't smiling enough, didn't cook the food they wanted, didn't have a perfectly tidy room - that I'm in and doing stuff in, the type of stuff that is often cluttered and messy - and felt I had no right to be tired because their day was so much harder than mine.

You are tired and stressed. But don't take it out on your family. Especially your daughter who is likely to have some anxiety about the changes coming with new job, new flat etc. And this will show on her face at times. Even if she thinks she is just tired from flour carrying

When your daughter moves out (I bet she's counting the days with this mood in the house) who will you expect to tidy up and cook for you then? It sounds as though your retired husband is the problem and you resent him.

I think you should just plan your own meals if you don't like DD's. I wouldn't eat what she'd cooked...it doesn't sound nice at all and I love vegan food.

I'd buy myself a takeaway if the day had been long.

I'm happy to eat largely vegetarian food, but I think several successive days of pulses, root veg and white rice without much in the way of greens or salad - or anything that gives it a bit of crunch and texture, is rather monotonous. It's also very low in fat, so I don't find it very satisfying - I'll be hungry an hour later, which I'm not if I eat a bit of animal protein.

There's also a complication in that my daughter does cook huge quantities - usually double or triple the amount that might be needed - so the stuff has to be frozen or it's there in the fridge to be eaten for lunches/on the next day. Or it just had to be cooked

You'd already got up and made yourself stilton on a cracker, so I think YABU to be mad that he misheard/misunderstood and didn't make you another one, I would have thought you were happy getting your own as that's what you'd already done.

I think you're being a bit unfair re. your daughters cooking. She made you dinner - has she been taught to cook at all or is she learning this for herself? I don't think it's fair to expect a vegan to cook you non-vegan meals, so if she's cooking you can't really complain that it's pulses and rice (which is a perfectly nutritionally complete meal and the staple diet of half of the world).

YABU to have such a strong reaction to this. Seriously, does it really matter? By the sound of things your tiring job is the real issue, not your daughter's cooking or your husband not getting you a cracker.

@criticaldarling
MN loves to hate the vegans, it’s so ignorant. After a run this morning I better go back to bed instead of work and dream of my watery rice 🤣
My diet is much healthier than the crap I see folk shovelling into their fat faces every day, all the ‘lovely kind’ mummy’s on here but happy enough to eat dead animals and mock others who made a good moral choice.

Also daughter isn't a vegan. She sort of thinks she ought to be, but when we went out recently for a meal she ate lamb. She eats cheese, milk, eggs, happily - and fish. She hates cooking meat, and we're mainly cooking vegetarian food for her at the moment, out of respect for her (rather flexible) principles.

@JennieLee
Your DDsounds like she needs to expand her knowledge of vegan cooking, lots of books/info out there no need for the blandness.

She is cook though and they do tend to have the say. The kitchen was a mess because she was cooking and straight away you asked what was wrong and was she alright
She is moving out soon so won’t be an issue

What will I suspect is that your husband still won’t do anything this is your issue. You are still picking up the slack from before

Read your update, sorry but your DD is a hypocrite and a fake, why say she’s vegan? Eating lamb? She’s grim.

Maybe batch cook on weekend to avoid the vegan meal in the week when you’re tired, or ask her to cook something else instead if resentment building between you

Your daughter is lazy, messy and a shit cook. Your husband is a space cadet with selective deafness. You are tired and have a tendency to over think things.

Wave your daughter off to her new city and job, take a couple of days off work with your husband and celebrate this new chapter in your lives, and while you are at it have a tactful word with him about how he might step up a bit.

Good luck.

The messy house would annoy me so I could see if I was hangry and came home to a messy house, and then felt the food wasn't great and that DH didn't listen to me that I'd add grumpiness on grumpiness but I'd usually catch myself and realise my only valid complaint was the messy house and that the time to raise that as an issue wasn't when I was tired and hungry.
Everything else was blown out of proportion by your tiredness and your hungriness.
I didn't eat till after 9pm last night (and even then it wasn't a proper meal) because of a misunderstanding that I felt was DH's fault. I grumped a bit but I did qualify it by saying 'I know I'm hungry and it's making me grumpy.' And I apologised.

Your mistake was to not take the whole hunk of cheese and the whole box of crackers, and sit on the sofa watching TV whilst they had seconds, and then did the pots, and tidied up their mess.

Irritating but not really worth writing an essay for, especially on a public forum.

I think you are over reacting because of your stressful work situation at the moment.

I'd take matters into your own hands and buy yourself dinner on the way home or get a load of posh easy-to-cook food like Charlie Bigham's or chicken from M&S that you just bung in the oven. DD can just cook for herself. You should also carry protein rich snacks in your bag so that you don't come home hangry.

It strikes me that maybe your DD is tired if she's eating mostly vegan food and doesn't have a very good handle on cooking properly. It's great that she cooked, but have you talked to her about getting the right nutrients, how to make a dahl with more ingredients, etc? Does she do other vegan cooking, could you do some vegan cooking too and learn together? Is she having some supplements and has she been checked for anaemia?

I do understand about the animal protein - I have a veggie son, but I'm menopausal and sometimes feel very tired and faint and although I mainly eat veggie with him, I will sometimes have meat when he's not in and I'm cooking for myself.

However your DD did make an effort, it's your DH I'm more annoyed about on your behalf! He REALLY reminds me of my very well rid ex, who basically just pleased himself while pretending to be Mr Amenable, "didn't hear" or "misheard" any request for him to help, and passive-aggressively punished me if I did get him to do something.

'Oh did you want some as well?' he asked. He then got me - after more faffing - a very tiny bit of Stilton on an oatcake. So familiar! So I'm probably extra provoked by this, but I think you need to be a lot more assertive and then you would probably feel less ratty and irritable all the time. Tell them when you are out working, their job is the housework, shopping and cooking and to be proactive. Don't like carrying shopping? - there's home delivery. They pull their weight, and if they don't why should you? STOP doing everything for your DH unless he can reciprocate. For example, explain to him it's his turn to do the laundry while you're at work. If he doesn't do it, simply stop doing his and when he wonders where things are, say "I explained it was your turn."

Read this book: A woman in your own right - it will really help you ask for what you want while staying calm.

Mmmm sounds like you’re tired and need some rest - sorry but comes across a bit petty (and a little dull!!) though yes possibly a bit irritating. But you also seem to see yourself as a bit of a martyr and don’t consider their feelings / situation

"I’ve never met a healthy vegan, without fail they all have awful breath skin, and are perpetually tired and have an inordinate amount of sick leave at work."

it is an extremely unhealthy eating regimen, it is entirely unsuited to the real nutritional needs of human beings because of their short guts and large brains, malnutrition is built into it -

and this biological fact vegetarians and vegans are just going to have to suck up.

By the way stop infantilising your daughter. A 22 year-old is an adult, full stop. No “sort of” about it.

I have a half-listening, head-dwelling, no common sense partner and know exactly what you're talking about op. The other night I near exploded after his pathetic inability to just cook some fucking pasta for once in his life because he half listened to what I'd been intending to cook and then fucked about asking stupid questions to the point I wanted to scream. That cracker conversation could easily happen in my house. Happily he doesn't live here so I can get away from it. You have my sympathies.

@ScreamingLadySutch
Your ignorance is showing
@Aardvark
Great comment 🤣