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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think his ex should really keep her beak out?

204 replies

Troubledee · 05/09/2019 08:20

I have posted before about dps ex and her constant text messages to him and her not having any boundaries - texting dp about problems in her relationship and how she made a mistake leaving him for OM. Dp and I have worked through these and he now has a strategy for dealing with this.

We are going on our first real holiday together. Somewhere he and ex have been together many times. They have been everytime without their dd and go on a yearly basis. His ex wasn’t aware we were going as it doesn’t affect her or their dd in any way. Their dd doesn’t go as the heat would be too much for her and she’s too young.

I posted on social media something about the location and she immediately started texting dp pretty much saying how dare he go without the dd even though they have always chosen to leave her behind. Really grilled dp about it. It’s obviously about her feelings, not the dd. I went mad and quite honestly felt like packing it all in. Feels a bit better today but how can I cope with this behaviour until their dd is old enough that contact doesn’t have to go through the ex? I love dp to bits.

OP posts:
mintyroller · 05/09/2019 13:19

Hs she deliberately smeared bean juice over every dish n the house in the hope of provoking an argument?

GrinGrin

elizalovelace · 05/09/2019 13:42

Feeling sorry for the child in all this drama between the adults in her life. Wonder why your DP doesn't want to keep contact with his ex solely for shared parenting considering the problems it seems to makes. It is very, very weird going to 'their regular (special) holiday destination'.

Original poster
Troubledee · 05/09/2019 14:54

Eliza, if the ex just messaged for the sole purpose of parenting there would be none of these issues. She is constantly crossing boundaries with texts. If I voice my concerns to him he gives me reassurance but is very reluctant to discuss. Feel like walking away most of the time.

OP posts:
AmIThough · 05/09/2019 15:05

If you feel like walking away most of the time then walk away. Why deal with all the drama if you're not even happy aside from that?

Original poster
Troubledee · 05/09/2019 15:21

Amithough its literally the only thing in our relationship that’s a problem but a big problem.

OP posts:
JoxerGoesToStuttgart · 05/09/2019 15:21

Feel like walking away most of the time.

Then that’s what you should do. You don’t feel that way for no reason. It isn’t a pretend feeling. You feel like walking away because 6 months into a relationship you’ve had nothing but stress and petty arguments. That tells you this relationship has no future.

AmIThough · 05/09/2019 15:23

Exactly! It's a massive issue and is making you miserable already.

He's got another 10 years of this at least. Are you prepared for that?

JoxerGoesToStuttgart · 05/09/2019 15:24

its literally the only thing in our relationship that’s a problem

It’s not though. You posted the other day that yo felt insecure because your boyfriend said “I think so” when you asked if you’d be together forever. You’ve already broken up at least once. Don’t make his ex the scapegoat for you relationship problems.

TanyaChix · 05/09/2019 15:29

So if tagging him in posts creates privacy problems and aggro, simply stop doing it. Why do you feel any need to tag him in a post about going on holiday so everyone can see it - including her - unless it’s to deliberately get wider attention from people? Just write his name! No need to tag. Confused

TanyaChix · 05/09/2019 15:32

Also he can adjust his settings so they remain friends but she can’t see stuff he is tagged in etc. If she has boundary problems, why is he encouraging her to track her in social media by leaving his settings wide open for her? There’s just no reason to be in this situation, unless he likes the drama and attention. Having a child doesn’t mean they need to still be in each other’s social media like a couple!!! Why don’t you block her so she can’t see your stuff?

TanyaChix · 05/09/2019 15:33

*her to track him

Actionhasmagic · 05/09/2019 15:35

She sounds awful. DP needs to get off social media or hide what she can see

Derbee · 05/09/2019 15:47

My DP is Facebook friends with his ex. It’s their preferred way to share photos of DSS. They have been FB friends for years, but it’s only the past couple of years that she’s been able to see things he’s tagged in etc. They can be FB friends, but she can be blocked from seeing his posts/tags etc. She probably won’t even notice.

Don’t live your life according to his ex, but don’t invite drama

Derbee · 05/09/2019 15:48

He unblocked her as soon as she calmed down and stopped making trouble about these sorts of things.

Madfrogs · 05/09/2019 16:23

Thing is you say she’s crossing boundaries but your boyfriend isn’t stopping her or attempting to stop her. It’s your boundaries that’s you’ve set in your head for what contact they are allowed that have been crossed.

Honestly a relationship of under a year isn’t worth this much hassle.

MzHz · 05/09/2019 16:54

Don’t conduct your relationship on SM.

It invites her to comment and the best thing you can do is get her out of your lives by not fuelling her nosiness

Ultimately tho, you’re stuck with this woman for life... or until the little one can communicate directly

Is that really what you want?

Explain to your boyfriend that you’re not going to let his ex run your lives and if he can’t put some serious distance between them, and only focus on what dd needs, then the future looks dim for your relationship/sex life in general

Charley50 · 05/09/2019 17:22

It's weird to go to the same place they've been to every year. What is your hobby?

Original poster
Troubledee · 05/09/2019 17:30

It would be weird Charley, but it isn’t weird this time under the circumstances.

OP posts:
MzHz · 05/09/2019 17:42

We went to same place oh and his dd has gone over the years with her mum (and possibly the previous exw too, not sure) so not special to the ex, but stability for the dd and plus the dd wanted to show off all the places she knew and share them with us.

Holiday in itself was ok, but ghosts of the ex everywhere, not helped by her constant I interference to antagonise and upset her own dd to destabilise and ruin the holiday...

No, never again.

Do your holiday, put your foot down in future, there are a million places to go to, it does seem like treading on toes perhaps

SandyY2K · 05/09/2019 17:43

I can't help feeling tagging him in a post about a holiday destination they always went on was unecessary.

He knows he's going away with you...you know you're going,
...but you felt the need announce something like how excited you are you and he are going away...specfically to this location.... which you knew... I feel it was goading her or naive at best. Talk about rubbing her face in it.

Honestly...it just comes across as immature.... and with the snippets of your other posts mentioned here, I reckon you aren't so secure in the relationship.

I'm not against SM when keeping posting about what you're doing... but you know he's FB friends with her. You knew she'd see it. He's not about to block her..and why should he.

Their DD is just 6 years old and you have a minimum of 12 more years of this...not that parenting stops when your child is 18.

I can't see this relationship being for the long haul ... you pressing him on together forever after 7 months is a sign of your insecurity.

Save yourself the hassle and excess baggage of the Ex and move on.

JoxerGoesToStuttgart · 05/09/2019 17:43

Does he/his family/his friend have an apartment/villa there?

Drabarni · 05/09/2019 17:47

Well your dp is allowing this, contact should be about parenting, nothing else.
I wouldn't want to go somewhere my predecessor had been to numerous times.
I'm surprised you suggested it, or even worse your dp suggest it.

Sounds like he likes the attention, if he thought anything of you he would have sorted this from the off, you have a dp problem.

ThatssomebadhatHarry · 05/09/2019 19:14

Your DP is loving how you two ladies are fighting over him. You knew she would see it.

dollybooo · 05/09/2019 20:16

Yawn ....

As other posters said you knew she would see it. So childish wanting 'to prove' your relationship by tagging DP in a holiday he already knew about .... for what?

I think you need to grow up & stop poking the bear ( her ) then coming on here to moan about it because it's getting boring.

Your relationship doesn't sound good with your previous posts, you usually find that all these 'OTT too much info personal declarations' on FB are of one trying too hard to prove something.

Could have been avoided by just going quietly but no.... you just had to make sure she knew .... not cool OP Confused

Charley50 · 06/09/2019 18:00

I hate mystery hobbies and holidays.. is it Burning Man festival? I hear that's quite hot.