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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think his ex should really keep her beak out?

204 replies

Troubledee · 05/09/2019 08:20

I have posted before about dps ex and her constant text messages to him and her not having any boundaries - texting dp about problems in her relationship and how she made a mistake leaving him for OM. Dp and I have worked through these and he now has a strategy for dealing with this.

We are going on our first real holiday together. Somewhere he and ex have been together many times. They have been everytime without their dd and go on a yearly basis. His ex wasn’t aware we were going as it doesn’t affect her or their dd in any way. Their dd doesn’t go as the heat would be too much for her and she’s too young.

I posted on social media something about the location and she immediately started texting dp pretty much saying how dare he go without the dd even though they have always chosen to leave her behind. Really grilled dp about it. It’s obviously about her feelings, not the dd. I went mad and quite honestly felt like packing it all in. Feels a bit better today but how can I cope with this behaviour until their dd is old enough that contact doesn’t have to go through the ex? I love dp to bits.

OP posts:

Greencustard · 05/09/2019 10:37

The OP stated her holiday “wouldn’t affect” either the ex or the DD. She then went on to say “DH sees DD 4 times a week. Given the topic of the thread I think asking about contact whilst they’re away is perfectly reasonable, especially if the ex will be covering their contact during their holiday

That's utterly ridiculous. So are separated/divorced parents not allowed to ever go on holiday without their children in case they 'miss contact'? People are just picking apart this thread for the sake of it. I've went on holiday for a few days without my children, what's the difference?

Wtfdoipick · 05/09/2019 10:37

Does he have her 4 days a week? so he's effectively resident parent or is it a case of he pops in and sees her 4 times a week and never really has her ever?

If the dp has the daughter for 4 days a week that means he only has 3 days without, so that would be 3 days in a very hot location for it not to affect the dd. Somehow I do think this does affect the dd and the ex, the op just doesn't see that.

hsegfiugseskufh · 05/09/2019 10:38

nope Jaques not really, because she could have potentially seen it anyway even if the partner wasn't tagged, and I firmly believe you shouldn't change your behaviour to stop the bad reactions of others.

Like I say, that's what happens to people in abusive relationships and we don't advise them to do it. This is no different.

I don't think its anything to do with marking her territory. Only someone jealous would think it was her marking her territory, anyone else would think aw that's nice theyre off on holiday.

Plenty of my friends post stuff like that, I don't think tagging someone has anything to do with territory!

hsegfiugseskufh · 05/09/2019 10:39

expecting the other parent to pick up the slack with no notice poses all sorts of problems. But fuck it, she’s the mum, she can just juggle the whole lot at no notice, eh?

but we don't know if this is the case at all?

JacquesHammer · 05/09/2019 10:39

So are separated/divorced parents not allowed to ever go on holiday without their children in case they 'miss contact'?

Yes. That’s exactly what I’m saying 🙄

Or more reasonably I’m querying whether IN THIS INSTANCE, was the ex required to pick up contact time and therefore was she part of the discussion? Or was she presented with a fait accompli?

I've went on holiday for a few days without my children, what's the difference?

Do you really need me to explain....?

Sotiredofthislife · 05/09/2019 10:40

Sure, but not tagging her husband is a fairly simply way to defuse a situation, no?

They both just need to block her. It’s very simple. They could also block people they know are friends with the ex, family etc even if not actually social media friends to avoid drama. It’s what I did and have never had a peep out of my ex regarding my social media. But then, I don’t enjoy the drama.

JacquesHammer · 05/09/2019 10:40

but we don't know if this is the case at all?

Which is why the question has been asked.

You seem to think it’s a simple black and white “she’s unreasonable”. In reality it’s a much more nuanced situation isn’t it?

Greencustard · 05/09/2019 10:41

expecting the other parent to pick up the slack with no notice poses all sorts of problems. But fuck it, she’s the mum, she can just juggle the whole lot at no notice, eh?

FFS. Where did you get that 'no notice' from? Why oh why do people on here just make things up to fit their own narrative?

hsegfiugseskufh · 05/09/2019 10:41

she IS unreasonable for complaining that op and dp aren't taking her child on holiday, when she did exactly the same thing.

hsegfiugseskufh · 05/09/2019 10:42

the question doesn't need asking because op has said it doesn't effect the ex.

Why cant we take that at face value?

why do we have to assume op is lying?

JacquesHammer · 05/09/2019 10:43

Why cant we take that at face value?

why do we have to assume op is lying?

Because she gave further info that meant it might not be the case

I mean it’s not hard for OP to say “yep, we have DD on a rolling basis so the times we’re away we weren’t due to see her”.

hsegfiugseskufh · 05/09/2019 10:44

having a child 4 days a week doesn't mean that you cant then go on holiday without it affecting the ex.,

she's not going to come back now, is she. Would you come back to this sort of "its all your fault" bullshit?

I wouldn't.

Cassilis · 05/09/2019 10:45

@JacquesHammer it’s possible that there will be weeks where DC will spend the whole week with one parent, so I would give OP the hedgehog of the doubt.

Greencustard · 05/09/2019 10:45

Why cant we take that at face value?

why do we have to assume op is lying?

It seems to be the same on every thread on here now. Most threads are picked and ripped apart, anything to score a point against an OP.

hsegfiugseskufh · 05/09/2019 10:46

the hedgehog of the doubt that made me smile

Greencustard · 05/09/2019 10:46

Oh and you'll find it's the same people derailing threads all the time.

JacquesHammer · 05/09/2019 10:46

so I would give OP the hedgehog of the doubt

That’s lovely

hsegfiugseskufh · 05/09/2019 10:47

I have noticed. I think its clear which posters post on threads like this with a very similar theme just to stick the boot in...

what a sad life to lead..

JacquesHammer · 05/09/2019 10:47

Most threads are picked and ripped apart, anything to score a point against an OP

Or you know, make a more reasoned comment. Hey ho, you do you.

OwnerofanAngryCat · 05/09/2019 10:48

She doesn't need to change her behaviour to placate the ex, she just needs to stop whining when she doesn't like the fallout.

Or are you suggesting the ex should change her reactions so she doesn't upset the op?

hsegfiugseskufh · 05/09/2019 10:49

its not a reasoned comment when you have all the information but you want clarification to make a judgement, when lets face it you've already made the judgement that the op is unreasonable for essentially existing and being in a relationship with a man who has an ex wife, or god forbid, posting on her own facebook page.

JacquesHammer · 05/09/2019 10:49

I think its clear which posters post on threads like this with a very similar theme just to stick the boot in

I’m a single parent. My ex and his new wife go on holiday. I cover contact with agreement and discussion that works for all parties. I also take a few days away with the same system.

None of us would suggest it didn’t affect the other party.

Hence why I’m asking. It makes a massive difference.

CatPunsFreakMeowt · 05/09/2019 10:49

@Troubledee

You’ve clearly tagged him to get a reaction from her and you might want to think why that is. If you felt secure in your relationship you wouldn’t feel the need to territory mark publicly.

hsegfiugseskufh · 05/09/2019 10:49

im suggesting the ex needs to be blocked, but yes she probably should change her reaction because her child will see this and think its normal.

hsegfiugseskufh · 05/09/2019 10:50

but Jaques op has said it doesn't effect the ex, ie they've probably made arrangements for childcare that aren't her,

why can you not accept that?

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