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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think his ex should really keep her beak out?

204 replies

Troubledee · 05/09/2019 08:20

I have posted before about dps ex and her constant text messages to him and her not having any boundaries - texting dp about problems in her relationship and how she made a mistake leaving him for OM. Dp and I have worked through these and he now has a strategy for dealing with this.

We are going on our first real holiday together. Somewhere he and ex have been together many times. They have been everytime without their dd and go on a yearly basis. His ex wasn’t aware we were going as it doesn’t affect her or their dd in any way. Their dd doesn’t go as the heat would be too much for her and she’s too young.

I posted on social media something about the location and she immediately started texting dp pretty much saying how dare he go without the dd even though they have always chosen to leave her behind. Really grilled dp about it. It’s obviously about her feelings, not the dd. I went mad and quite honestly felt like packing it all in. Feels a bit better today but how can I cope with this behaviour until their dd is old enough that contact doesn’t have to go through the ex? I love dp to bits.

OP posts:
hsegfiugseskufh · 05/09/2019 09:10

You were being unreasonable posting something she could see on social media mentioning the destination

no she wasn't! op can post whatever the fuck she likes on SM. Its not up to her to consider ex's reaction before she posts a FB status ffs.

OP, why don't you just block her?! Why doesn't your dp block her?

its weird.

ghostyslovesheets · 05/09/2019 09:10

stop tagging him on SM - then she can't see it

tell him to stop including you in the drama - why does he need to tell you what she texts and says to HIM

stop enjoying it!

TheStuffedPenguin · 05/09/2019 09:12

It’s because I tag him in things and she is on his friends list that she sees things. She hasn’t even met me. Wish she’d just concfetreate on her own life

You can still tag your things so that only YOUR FRIENDS can see it and not FRIENDS OF FRIENDS . Go into CUSTOM and untick the box that allows friends of friends to see it .

Kezebel · 05/09/2019 09:12

Of course you knew the holiday bragging post would be seen by her. If she has form. Come on!

Is this mysterious hobby something you all once did and shared in the same social ‘circles’ ? If so, it is probably about that too.

hsegfiugseskufh · 05/09/2019 09:13

stop tagging him on SM - then she can't see it

why should op stop tagging her partner in her posts?

if the ex doesn't like it, she can always unfriend him or don't look. Or block OP.

this is entirely the batshit ex's problem and the dp isn't helping.

why should the op change her behaviour to placate this mad woman?

TheStuffedPenguin · 05/09/2019 09:14

Here

To think his ex should really keep her beak out?
HeadLikeAFkingOrange · 05/09/2019 09:19

You knew she'd see your post, which makes me think you actually wanted this reaction. If you're going to stir the shit pot, be prepared to lick the spoon.

Idontwanttotalk · 05/09/2019 09:19

I've just seen your update. As your DP sees his DD four nights per week then obviously the holiday does affect the DD as she will need to stay elsewhere on those nights. If that is their agreement then this will always be the case. His Ex has a right to know where her child is, even if in childcare arranged by your DP as opposed to with her DM for additional time.

I'm interested to know what his strategy is for dealing with his ex texting about her bf and making a mistake about leaving your DP. If he hasn't told her only to contact him about DD then he may be enjoying these messages.

cranstonmanor · 05/09/2019 09:22

He needs to adjust his privacy settings. He also needs to stop discussing things that are none of her business. There is no law that he needs to text back or whatever. He needs to only reply to the arrangements about his daughter. The rest of his life is private, none of her business and he should just ignore.

hsegfiugseskufh · 05/09/2019 09:24

funny because I think if the ex was a man kicking off about a holiday, everyone would be saying "hes a bastard" "report him for harassment" etc etc, not "its your own fault for posting and shit stirring"

but because the ex is a woman, her behaviour is ok and its all ops fault for posting on her own FB about her own holiday with her own dp. Hmm.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 05/09/2019 09:25

Why is she on your SM? get rid, block, tighten your settings, and ditch mutual friends.

THIS ^

I'm not a SM person myself and can't see the obsession with posting everything, but I can appreciate that some people like to keep updated - but you have the facility to block.

Use it!

usersouthcoast · 05/09/2019 09:32

You put it on social media tagging your DP on purpose and you know it! You wanted her and his friends and family he shares with her to see he's moved on and is happy with you. You did that because you're insecure.

They clearly still have a good enough relationship that they text all the time whether it's about the child or not.

Either get to grips with it, and put on your best 'I couldn't care less' act, or don't. He will continue to have this relationship with her for a long time.

cees · 05/09/2019 09:33

When she kicks off unless its directly about their child then he should ignore her messsges. You can do your part and not tag him in stuff, pm instead.
But done of that will work if you like the drama and cant bring yourself to stop engaging.

ThirstyGhost · 05/09/2019 09:35

"Its not up to her to consider ex's reaction before she posts a FB status ffs."

But it is if she KNOWS that a heap of drama will follow and she's claiming she doesn't like that drama. But as you say they should both block the ex. Except they won't as they must like all this at some level. Even posting on MN is feeding into it in the OP's head space. If the ex was a man they'd get the same advice: block, cut contact to a minimum... etc.... It's simple really.

hsegfiugseskufh · 05/09/2019 09:36

user

why shouldn't op post what she wants on SM?

I thought the mumsnet stance was "you don't have to look"

This is not ops problem, and I don't think its fair to play armchair psychologist and say shes insecure based on a fb status about a holiday... most people post stuff like that.

I post about my holiday, knowing fullwell dps ex will see it (she uses dss fb to look at mine and I cant block him because hes a child and we have a good relationship) I don't do it because im insecure, I do it because I want to and I couldn't give a shiny shit what she thinks!

we don't know that her partner and his ex have a good relationship, her sending him mad texts about how she wants him back aren't evidence of that, if hes replying similarly then that's something else but...

Ponoka7 · 05/09/2019 09:38

@24Bonjourfreddie, the first the ex has heard about this holiday is via SM. A holiday that they usually go on, but it's the first place he takes a relatively new GF to? Most posters know the OPs other threads and there's been nothing but issues with this man.

Whenever a female OP has posted similar, she's always been told she's out of order, especially if it means her not seeing her children.

That's the real difference, who the RP is. This holiday must be effecting contact and after an eight year marriage and a six year old to consider, most people, male and female are sensitive to that. Or rather, should be.

This isn't happening to the OP, it's happening to her BF, who isn't putting a stop on any of this.

hsegfiugseskufh · 05/09/2019 09:39

Even posting on MN is feeding into it in the OP's head space

I can assure you when you're dealing with someone likes this it is very hard to NOT let it get to you. Personally speaking it has taken me years to stop giving a shit about dps ex kicking off, her reaction etc etc

for years I didn't do what I wanted to do, post what I wanted to post because of her mad reactions. But then I realised, you know what, I am not responsible for the emotional wellbeing of this woman, and her reactions are not my problem.

It takes a while to realise that you are not responsible for keeping people like this happy.

Its awful advice to modify your own behaviour to stop someone else acting out. That's what abusive people want.

AmIThough · 05/09/2019 09:39

Let me guess, your post was something along the lines of "so excited for our holiday to X with the love of my life 😍😍😍" or something equally cringe? The only reason you'd post something like that is to get a rise out of her.

Ponoka7 · 05/09/2019 09:39

Bonjourfreddie, she's feeding the drama.

JoxerGoesToStuttgart · 05/09/2019 09:40

Is this a relatively new relationship? Of less than a year? Your behaviour comes across as very much wanting to mark your territory. You’re letting her know that not only do you have her ex, you also have her holiday destination too. And you’re doing it publicly so others can see.

hsegfiugseskufh · 05/09/2019 09:40

Ponoka

op says this

His ex wasn’t aware we were going as it doesn’t affect her or their dd in any way - so why did she need to know about it?

hsegfiugseskufh · 05/09/2019 09:41

no Ponoka shes not feeding the drama, shes updating her facebook, which nobody is being forced to look at.

Ponoka7 · 05/09/2019 09:42

"for years I didn't do what I wanted to do"

Which is extreme. But the OP has been with her BF for seven months, they don't luve together and she describes him as "unaffectionate and uncaring" towards her.

Worry about that and not the ex.

hsegfiugseskufh · 05/09/2019 09:43

its really not extreme when you're trying to protect yourself, and a child who had to see all her mad episodes!

I haven't advanced searched OP so I am not privy to any of this information - I don't AS every thread I read.

JacquesHammer · 05/09/2019 09:44

His ex wasn’t aware we were going as it doesn’t affect her or their dd in any way - so why did she need to know about it?

She also goes on to say he sees his daughter 4 times a week. So there does appear to be some confusion as to whether this will affect the DD (and indeed the ex) or not.