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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think his ex should really keep her beak out?

204 replies

Troubledee · 05/09/2019 08:20

I have posted before about dps ex and her constant text messages to him and her not having any boundaries - texting dp about problems in her relationship and how she made a mistake leaving him for OM. Dp and I have worked through these and he now has a strategy for dealing with this.

We are going on our first real holiday together. Somewhere he and ex have been together many times. They have been everytime without their dd and go on a yearly basis. His ex wasn’t aware we were going as it doesn’t affect her or their dd in any way. Their dd doesn’t go as the heat would be too much for her and she’s too young.

I posted on social media something about the location and she immediately started texting dp pretty much saying how dare he go without the dd even though they have always chosen to leave her behind. Really grilled dp about it. It’s obviously about her feelings, not the dd. I went mad and quite honestly felt like packing it all in. Feels a bit better today but how can I cope with this behaviour until their dd is old enough that contact doesn’t have to go through the ex? I love dp to bits.

OP posts:

Greencustard · 05/09/2019 10:09

So second time I’ve asked, is your DP going to miss contact whilst on holiday?

Seriously? I'm doing the biggest fucking eye-roll here. I'm sure the child will be absolutely fine with no contact for a week or so. Lamest attempt ever to twist a thread. Pretty sure the child will have been on holiday and survived the no contact.

PortiaCastis · 05/09/2019 10:14

Who is looking after the child while you lot are squabbling over fb posts, tagging him so she gets to see your posts is infantile

AmIThough · 05/09/2019 10:14

@Greencustard ex's issue is that DD will miss out, OP said it won't affect DD at all. This is relevant.

whattodowith · 05/09/2019 10:18

You know she sees everything you tag him in so you knew she’d see this. If their DD is too young to go to a hot country it can’t be long since they broke up surely. I can understand her being hurt that of all the places in the world you’d choose, you went with the place he used to go with her.

I think you tagged him in it to stir the pot and you know it.

JacquesHammer · 05/09/2019 10:19

I'm sure the child will be absolutely fine with no contact for a week or so

I’m sorry your “biggest eye roll” has clouded your ability to think clearly.

The OP stated her holiday “wouldn’t affect” either the ex or the DD. She then went on to say “DH sees DD 4 times a week. Given the topic of the thread I think asking about contact whilst they’re away is perfectly reasonable, especially if the ex will be covering their contact during their holiday.

Some clarification is needed.

GlitchStitch · 05/09/2019 10:20

OP has posted in other threads that she feels very insecure in this relationship, in fact they recently broke up. She was also upset that when she asked her bf if they will be together forever he only said 'I think so' and didn't wholeheartedly commit after only 6 months! It's clear she was posting about the holiday knowing ex could see the post, to mark her territory so to speak. So why be surprised at the reaction when you were seeking one?

Purplejay · 05/09/2019 10:21

‘Victim blaming’. Jesus 🙄

Op it seems to me like you are shit stiring. If you don’t want her to know stuff, make sure your face book settings reflect that.

Why does this affect you so much? She didn’t contact you. Let your DP deal with her.

Sounds like he is happy to communicate with her. Maybe he chats to he more than he lets on.

Of course the ex is upset. You are going to a place which has a lot of memories for them. Its bloody weird. Is contact with his DD affected and this is the first she heard about it. Does she feel he is prioritising his new relationship over DD? Has he taken DD on holiday?

hsegfiugseskufh · 05/09/2019 10:21

its irrelevant whos looking after the child unless its the childs mum though isn't it?

hsegfiugseskufh · 05/09/2019 10:22

well it is victim blaming.

op posts about a holiday

ex kicks off

but its ops fault.

for example

woman doesn't wash dishes before partner comes homes

partner kicks off

is it the womans fault for not doing the dishes because she knew he wouldn't like it?

or is it his fault for being a twat?

JacquesHammer · 05/09/2019 10:23

its irrelevant whos looking after the child unless its the childs mum though isn't it?

Well yes, which is why I’m asking for clarification. I didn’t think it was that tricky a concept!

hsegfiugseskufh · 05/09/2019 10:24

well if op says it doesn't effect the ex id say it was pretty clear that either it isn't in contact time, or they've arranged for someone else to do it!

Cassilis · 05/09/2019 10:24

Why is he her friend on FB?

Why haven't you blocked her?

JacquesHammer · 05/09/2019 10:24

well if op says it doesn't effect the ex id say it was pretty clear that either it isn't in contact time, or they've arranged for someone else to do it!

Given she says about “he sees her 4 days a week”, it really isn’t clear unless you’re firmly taking sides for a personal agenda.

Sadnessandlight · 05/09/2019 10:27

Did he leave her for you or cheat on her with you?
It does feel a bit insensitive.
If they had a special place they went together and now his new partner is posting tagging him in rubbing it in a bit in a you've lost him AND we are going to your special place kind of way.

Simply block her. Then she cannot see if you tag him.

Also I don't buy the doesn't affect her part if he sees her regularly each week.

hsegfiugseskufh · 05/09/2019 10:27

im not taking sides!

shes said they have her 4 days a week, shes also said that it doesn't effect the ex.

so theres only one conclusion to come to really isn't there?

you're clearly trying to catch the op out for some reason!

JacquesHammer · 05/09/2019 10:29

shes said they have her 4 days a week, shes also said that it doesn't effect the ex

so theres only one conclusion to come to really isn't there?

Not really given the info about contact came out in a subsequent post...

Had Op said “DH has DSD four days a week, however our holiday isn’t during his scheduled time” it would be clear

you're clearly trying to catch the op out for some reason!

No. I’m one of those really annoying people who quite like to know the facts before deciding who is unreasonable. Rather than assuming I know the facts without checking. Tiresome I know.

hsegfiugseskufh · 05/09/2019 10:30

oh give over Jaques all youre hoping for is op to come back and say "oh yeah actually we aren't seeing her for a week and are expecting her mum to have her"

Sadnessandlight · 05/09/2019 10:31

'His ex is just a nosy pain in the arse.'

She isn't even being nosy. It will literally come up on her news feed in a Troubledee can't wait to go on my amazing holidays with my amazing boyfriend way

HUZZAH212 · 05/09/2019 10:31

All sounds massively 'he said, she said'. It's been less than 7mths and lots of drama, are you really sure this is the relationship of your dreams OP? DP's DD is 6 which means contact without her mum is going to be way down the line. It sounds like your DP is still one foot in the ex-relationship regarding FB, drama with the ex, answering completely irrelevant texts, choosing to holiday in the destination they went to every year. I think the shared sport is a red herring unless you're both competing in an iron man or such there? There's so many other holiday destinations that offer plenty of sporting activities.

hsegfiugseskufh · 05/09/2019 10:31

and tbh the ex imo is the unreasonable one because she never took their dd either, so she's not got a leg to stand on complaining that op and dp aren't taking her!

ofc its one rule for one...

JacquesHammer · 05/09/2019 10:32

"oh yeah actually we aren't seeing her for a week and are expecting her mum to have her"

Which would change whether she’s reasonable or not, no?

Look for whatever reason you think the OP is absolutely reasonable here. I prefer not to make snap judgements. Clearly you’ve an agenda. I’m sorry for that, maybe the post has rankled?

hsegfiugseskufh · 05/09/2019 10:34

no, i'd still think the ex was being a twat complaining about the dd not going, because she never took her either.

But I would think Ops dp was mighty unreasonable for not sorting our childcare before they booked a holiday.

I don't have an agenda at all, but I have a lot of experience dealing with an ex who at every opportunity had a whinge about whatever it was we were doing. Its really wearing so I can see why op is annoyed by it.

If you haven't experienced dealing with someone like that for a long period of time its very easy to say "don't post on fb and have done with it" but realistically this will just be the first in a very long line of problems...

JacquesHammer · 05/09/2019 10:34

and tbh the ex imo is the unreasonable one because she never took their dd either, so she's not got a leg to stand on complaining that op and dp aren't taking her!

And of course the same question would be reasonable - were the OP and her husband required to cover contact.

JacquesHammer · 05/09/2019 10:36

Sure, but not tagging her husband is a fairly simply way to defuse a situation, no?

She doesn’t even need to not post, just not tag her husband (which let’s face it is a social median equivalent of marking your territory isn’t it?

Sotiredofthislife · 05/09/2019 10:36

Seriously? I'm doing the biggest fucking eye-roll here. I'm sure the child will be absolutely fine with no contact for a week or so

Yes, seriously. Presumably, mum’s life is organised around when she has her child and when she doesn’t. That can include childcare, work, study, volunteer commitments. OP has clearly stated 2 things:

that the child won’t be affected
and that mum wasn’t told about the holiday.

So whilst absolutely, no child ever died of missing a couple of days with one of their parents, expecting the other parent to pick up the slack with no notice poses all sorts of problems. But fuck it, she’s the mum, she can just juggle the whole lot at no notice, eh?

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