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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How long should a mother with young children wait before her boyfriend moves in?

308 replies

UndertheCedartree · 04/09/2019 08:51

I see this subject come up a lot - and the mother is very often told her boyfriend moved in too quickly. Now I know there are lots of factors involved but a lot of it seems to come down to the length of time together. For example a boyfriend of 18 months is refered to as a 'stranger'. So I wondered what sort of time frame people would think acceptable?

OP posts:
PennyB40 · 04/09/2019 21:40

Not until the children have left, it’s really not fair to impose someone else on them in their own home.
I wouldn’t like someone to just come into my home with and live with me no matter how much I got with them. I think most children are no different.

Asta19 · 04/09/2019 21:54

A very sensible and wise post from Thehouseintheforest
Blanket rules are both stupid and nonsensical. Seriously, mums who say “never while they live at home” can be just as detrimental to their kids lives as mums who move in bf within weeks. Balance, wisdom and common sense are the key. So can we stop vilifying women who “dare” to try and have a relationship and just be supportive and offer constructive advice rather than judgement?

Original poster
UndertheCedartree · 04/09/2019 22:06

@pennyb40 - but surely that wouldn't happen if you sought your children's opinion before moving a man in? I don't think anyone is suggesting it is a good idea to move a new partner in without getting the children's agreement and that they would obviously have to get on well before it would even be considered.

OP posts:
JoxerGoesToStuttgart · 04/09/2019 22:07

I was about to give birth to our first child together.

That must have been a lot for your DS to process. New adult moving in to the house, new baby that had their daddy living with them in your DS’s home.

JoxerGoesToStuttgart · 04/09/2019 22:09

How exactly can deciding to keep the status quo (ie: just the mum and DC living there as before) be detrimental to children? Confused

BunnyColvin · 04/09/2019 22:11

Who's vilifying anyone though? Confused

It's not for me but clearly I'm not going to impose my thing on any other woman.

Good luck OP. Own your choice. Nobody can tell you it's a good or bad thing, you have to go by your own instincts.

SallyWD · 04/09/2019 22:16

It really depends. I moved in with my partner after 18 months. It was right for us and we've been living together happily for 16 years now (now married). With my ex we moved in together after 3 months and I soon felt trapped. My friend moved in with a man after just one week (!) and they've been happily married for 15 years now.

Justhavingacry · 04/09/2019 22:30

I hated my mothers first boyfriend, i was 8 and still cant put my finger on why - but i really hated him.
He never moved in but he did sleep over a few nights a week.
My room was next to hers and i'd always hear them shagging.
I resorted to screaming my lungs out, pretending i'd had a night mare, forcing myself to throw up etc which killed the mood every time.
He lasted about 6 months total.

Looking back I think it was a stupidly unfair situation for my mum to have put me in as a kid.

tigerbear · 04/09/2019 22:33

100% could have posted what @Tweetingmagpie said.
After dating various people in the 6 years after splitting with DD’s dad, my DP (soon to be DH!) is the only one who has lived with us.
I was with my ex boyfriend before him for 2.5 years, but always knew the relationship would never progress to him moving in.

With my now DP, everything felt right very quickly, he met DD after about 2 months, and moved in after 5-6 months.
1 year on, and things could not be better.
DD ADORES him and is happier than she’s ever been, and so am I.
He is the best step dad to her I could ever ask for, and she constantly tells him he’s the best step dad in the world

Like a few others have said, how can the relationship ever really progress if they don’t meet with the children and interact with them? My ex boyfriend wasn’t right because I knew deep down that he wouldn’t be a good step parent, and from the brief meetings they’d had, that DD didn’t like him.
With current DP, things were totally different, from the word go.

MrsPellegrinoPetrichor · 04/09/2019 22:34

I'm a single mum and I wouldn't ever live with a boyfriend at all while DS is still at home. I think the negatives outweigh the positives in all honesty

I agree.

Mermaidoutofwater · 04/09/2019 22:36

I did not have a great childhood as a result of my mother’s decision to move in with her new boyfriend when I was three. This was primarily because her partner resented my existence and she was too weak to stand up for me.
If someone does want to move their partner in with a young child I would recommend that they maintain financial power within a relationship. It is very hard to insist upon good behaviour when you and your child/ren are completely dependent. If you have subsequent children with the new partner this can be very hard to avoid.
Most men don’t like other men’s children and most women don’t have the earning power to protect their children from previous relationships so they shouldn’t be having any more.

tigerbear · 04/09/2019 22:37

I say all the above as a child who had a stepdad who moved in with us rather quickly, and who absolutely was not the right person to be living with us. He hated kids, despite having 4 of his own, and it was a very rocky and tumultuous ride for all of us. He and my mum were together for a long time, but he had affair after affair. My mum does regret how she acted during our childhoods, and I think deep down, she prob knew it wasn’t right.

tigerbear · 04/09/2019 22:40

In my case, I’m the higher earner, the house is mine, but DP and I have a joint account and he pays half of all mortgage, bills, food, everything.
He’s also offered to help with private school bills for DD, if required in future.
There are great men about, despite the doom and gloom and negatives listed on here.

Lucafritz · 05/09/2019 00:56

Never. Too many stories in the news about new partners killing the kids so I'd never date whilst my child was in the house maybe when they've grown up and left but not till then

AnAC12UCOinanOCG · 05/09/2019 04:00

Seriously, mums who say “never while they live at home” can be just as detrimental to their kids lives as mums who move in bf within weeks.

How?

Flipswhitefudge · 05/09/2019 04:01

Until the kids move out.

PennyDreadfuI · 05/09/2019 06:39

There are great men about, despite the doom and gloom and negatives listed on here

Exactly.

PookieDo · 05/09/2019 06:45

I think it’s harder with teenagers, young kids are way more adaptable and ask less questions (which is often why you can ‘get away’ with moving faster with young DC)

I am a single mum and my DD’s are how 15 and 17 I have not lived with a man for 11 years now. I no way could move a man in now, it’s the worst age for girls it would be so invasive even if he was the nicest man alive it would be too uncomfortable for them

PookieDo · 05/09/2019 06:46

Seriously, mums who say “never while they live at home” can be just as detrimental to their kids lives as mums who move in bf within weeks.

There is no detriment whatsoever to children from this please care to elaborate on how on Earth this could be detrimental in any way shape or form? Do you mean financially?

Sotiredofthislife · 05/09/2019 06:59

Seriously, mums who say “never while they live at home” can be just as detrimental to their kids lives as mums who move in bf within weeks

I will add my voice to the people asking....how?

Interestingly, my idiot of an ex and his on-off girlfriend of 6 years told my children that I was a terrible mother because I had deprived them of a family life because, in their words ‘the bitch hasn’t moved on”.. Their comments about that to me consisted of the following:

  • we are a family
  • you have provided us with everything we need
  • at least in this house we’re not walking on eggshells wondering when next our other parent is going to be slagged off when we say or do something they consider wrong/rude/unreasonable.
  • we know you have some kind of life beyond us with friends because they come to the house sometimes, you often text, or you get a babysitter and go out and tell us where you’ve been and what you did.

I don’t personally say ‘never’ but I don’t actively seek out new partners and enjoy the life I have built up. I am also financially independent and own my own house. I have worked hard since my divorce and am a good role model to my kids from a work perspective and maintain a good relationship with them despite their dad’s best efforts to ruin it.

How am I damaging my children?

itsme · 05/09/2019 07:24

My 6 year old (very nearly 7) and I moved in with my partner recently and weve been together 10 months. We have lived alone since she was 2, she has met 1 boyfriend prior to that but he didnt take to her and because of that she didnt like him so they rarely saw each other. My boyfriend and I are engaged now. We are very happy and my daughter loves him. He is an excellent role model and thinks of her before us. I know everyone is different in what they do but this works for us.

tigerbear · 05/09/2019 08:15

@itsme
**He is an excellent role model and thinks of her before us.

This is absolutely my experience too.

ThatFlamingCandle · 05/09/2019 08:37

It's really easy to say 'well, I'd never live with a man til my kids are grown up because I'm such a great mum...' when you're really a married woman who's finished having kids, with your own home and you're life is perfect, isn't it?

I'm 18 with a one year old - I'm not waiting til I'm nearly 40 (or longer if my child keeps living with me) before getting married and having another child. It's also a waste of money to pay two rents. When I get married, we are living together.

--

Having said that, single parents shouldn't be rushing into relationships with anyone/ having lots of men move in back-to-back/get their kids to call the new man dad unless they want to etc.

JacquesHammer · 05/09/2019 08:48

when you're really a married woman who's finished having kids, with your own home and you're life is perfect, isn't it?

I’m not. I’m a single parent who was unable to “finish having kids” because of infertility.

JoxerGoesToStuttgart · 05/09/2019 08:53

It's really easy to say 'well, I'd never live with a man til my kids are grown up because I'm such a great mum...' when you're really a married woman who's finished having kids, with your own home and you're life is perfect, isn't it?

How about when youre a single mum who would love another child, struggle paying private rent while working full time and your life isn’t perfect and you’re still saying it? Because that’s me. And also, no one said it’s because they’re such a great mum. Hmm

I'm not waiting til I'm nearly 40 (or longer if my child keeps living with me) before getting married and having another child. It's also a waste of money to pay two rents. When I get married, we are living together.

Good for you. It’s entirely your choice. Isn’t it great that we can all make our own choices?