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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How long should a mother with young children wait before her boyfriend moves in?

308 replies

UndertheCedartree · 04/09/2019 08:51

I see this subject come up a lot - and the mother is very often told her boyfriend moved in too quickly. Now I know there are lots of factors involved but a lot of it seems to come down to the length of time together. For example a boyfriend of 18 months is refered to as a 'stranger'. So I wondered what sort of time frame people would think acceptable?

OP posts:
Watchingthyme · 04/09/2019 20:24

Anyway I think all of this is bollocks.
Every family is different.

RainbowsandSnowdrops · 04/09/2019 20:27

As someone who had a ‘stepdad’ if DH and I broke up (or he died) I can 100% I would never move a man into my daughters home. ‘Blended’ families don’t work.

Roozy123 · 04/09/2019 20:28

My kids are 3 and 4 and I couldn't imagine - no matter how inlove I was - having a man living with them day in day out who wasn't their dad.

Just my opinion and my lack of trust in anyone when it comes to my kids probably lol.

Watchingthyme · 04/09/2019 20:29

Lol

RightYesButNo · 04/09/2019 20:34

I don’t necessarily agree with the “not until the children are grown and gone” posters, but I do agree that if you have a partner move in, it should be because they are a partner - because they know your children, your children are comfortable with them, they’re willing to take on step-parenting duties, they’re in for the long haul, etc. So I would never have a boyfriend move in; only someone I had a permanent commitment to, either engagement or marriage. I just don’t think you can take the risk of moving a boyfriend in and having him possibly up and leave. That would be horrible for children, and if that’s happened once, they will never trust a future partner of yours to stick around. So you REALLY need to be sure. I wouldn’t generally introduce my children to a new partner until I felt the situation was moving towards permanence and I wouldn’t have him move in unless it was going to be forever. You just can’t do that to children who have already gone through a divorce.

Roozy123 · 04/09/2019 20:35

It's obviously different for everyone.
As above is my opinion but my brother moved in with his oh in under a year and she already had a baby.

That "baby" is now 7 with 3 sister's! They're a lovely family and he is AMAZING dad to him and his 3 daughter's (we don't call him a step dad as hes raised that baby with no contact or help from the "father")

Aprillygirl · 04/09/2019 20:35

Your children are to rule your life forever and you must sacrifice any and all happiness and fulfilment on the altar of Motherhood. Your children will then grow up and leave home, and you will be left all alone, but at least you'll have this warm fuzzy feeling of eternal martyrdom to sweeten it

I pity you if you think the only way to achieve happiness and fulfilment is by shacking up with a man Hmm

TanMateix · 04/09/2019 20:36

I divorced when my child was young. According to half of my family I should wait until my son left for uni! Grin

... having said that, he will be leaving for uni soon and nobody has moved in yet. 🤔

I suppose that there are a lot of factors to consider once that you have been through a divorce, from where the guy’s things will go to how the finances are affected. But I would say that if everybody gets along well as a family moving in after 18-24 months is perfectly ok.

Durgasarrow · 04/09/2019 20:40

I think that for teenagers, the idea of having "Mother's boyfriend" in the house is much more uncomfortable than "Mother's husband." A husband is an official partner. A boyfriend is your sex playmate.

CAK111512 · 04/09/2019 20:41

I’d say at least 18 months to 2 years, you don’t really know anyone well enough for at least a year or two.

I know a single mum who moved her new boyfriend in after 2 weeks which I think is terrible. They didn’t know each other beforehand and come from completely different areas with no mutual friends. Neither knew each other. Admittedly they have lasted but who knew that at the time???

I was a single mum to a toddler. I moved in with my partner when we had been together for just under 2 years. I think you only really get to know someone when you move in together! We’ve been together 7 years now though!

TanMateix · 04/09/2019 20:43

A husband is an official partner. A boyfriend is your sex playmate.

Do you mean that cohabiting committed couples are just about sex because they are not married????

Sorry but... PMSL Grin

Original poster
UndertheCedartree · 04/09/2019 20:43

@joxergoestostuttgart - I can't imagine being in a relationship with a man that had nothing to do with my children. To me it would be like living a double life. My children and I talk about everything and it would be so wierd talking about someone who was significant to me but a stranger to them! Personally if my children didn't like my boyfriend or he wasn't interested in them I would end it.

OP posts:
beccarocksbaby · 04/09/2019 20:43

People will judge whatever anyone does.

My 6 year old son asked my boyfriend to move in after the first time they met! He didn't meet him till 7 months into our relationship and we had been friends 6 months before it became a relationship.

We were engaged just after a year together and we moved in. We've been together 6 years now and are married and pregnant.

Commitment is the key. A casual relationship is obviously going to have a different pace and boundaries to a committed one with confirmed interest in a future on both sides.

SimonJT · 04/09/2019 20:46

@Durgasarrow my boyfriend most definitely is not my sex playmate, some people may not having a loving relationship with their boyfriend/girlfriend, but it doesn’t mean all relationships are just fwb arrangements.

NotTonightJosepheen · 04/09/2019 20:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

doublebarrellednurse · 04/09/2019 20:50

I'm judgey about my ex and his current girlfriend.

Met in Instagram. Lived 300 miles apart. Met in RL shortly afterwards and she brought her two children with her (she has family locally etc who will have the family). Moved in 3 months later. Went from seeing his son 3 times a week 50% of the time to 16% of the time.

I feel she was incredibly reckless with a 7 year old and 4 year old child's feelings. She also was still living with her ex at the time she met him, he moved out a week before my ex moved in 😳

BunnyColvin · 04/09/2019 20:53

A husband is an official partner. A boyfriend is your sex playmate

I'll take the sex playmate!
Grin

Tweetingmagpie · 04/09/2019 20:53

My dh moved in about 6 months after we got together, he met the kids fairly soon, I think it was a couple of months into the relationship, I’ve always thought the longer the better but when I actually met someone I loved I thought actually, maybe it’s better for everyone to get it out the way sooner rather than later, because if they dont like him or he doesn’t take to them then the relationship isn’t going anywhere anyway and I wouldn’t want to lead him on.

So quite fast really, but it felt right at the time, and I’m not the kind of person who has relationship after relationship and falls in love over and over again, My ex dh and new dh are my only relationships and I know when it’s real.

Kids adore dh and have from the moment they met him, but I think overall it just depends on your situation, there wasn’t a huge amount of pressure on anyone here because my kids still see their dad as we share custody and it’s all amicable, so dh isn’t trying to replace their dad or anything and he does t really get involved in parenting them, he’s just the fun stepdad who makes them laugh.

pumpkinpie01 · 04/09/2019 20:54

Every relationship is different, but I think the dc need to be happy with the partner and have a good bond with them for it to work. I waited 5 years , my now DH was moving in with my then 9, 13 and 17 year olds I felt I had to be sure as I could possibly be that this relationship was for keeps. I felt I owed them that. My dc have a great relationship with him he is a fantastic stepdad and role model. We have been together 14 yrs now. My sister on the other hand moved her bf in within 3 months and my niece cannot stand the sight of him they have no bond at all. She has put herself before her kids without a doubt.

MsAwesomeDragon · 04/09/2019 21:03

I moved in with now DH after we'd been seeing each other for about 18 months. Dd1 was 7 at the time, she's now 19. We'd been spending most weekends together for quite a long time before that as well, either at our house or his flat. Dd1 had never known her dad (I left him when I was Pg), and she absolutely adored dh, still does to some extent although it's different now she's an adult obviously. It worked really well for us, but I think a lot of that was down to luck rather than my god judgement.

My sister moved in with her boyfriend after a year, when her kids were 4 and 2. That didn't work out so well for her, mostly because he changed into a massively controlling twat once he moved in. They split up 4 years later, which is 4 years too long in my opinion. She's not planning on living with another man till after the kids have left now as she doesn't want to take the risk of it being another disaster. She does have a boyfriend that they spend time with, but it's not the same as living together, and it's much easier to walk away.

Watchingthyme · 04/09/2019 21:04

You’re allowed to have sex with your boyfriend
Luckily when he becomes your husband and moves in ALL that stops Wink

Original poster
UndertheCedartree · 04/09/2019 21:07

I have to say before I met my boyfriend I was not looking for or interested in another relationship (I'd been seperated 4 years). I had no interest in another man living in my house and would have probably been of the opinion of not wanting to cohabit with a new partner for a long time if ever. I also definitely didn't want to get married again. This was because my marriage had been difficult and there had been some abuse.

But I have gradually changed my mind as my new relationship has developed. I would like us to live together one day. And if we decided in the future to have another child then I would like to get married. But at the moment we are just focusing on our relationship and building the relationship and family life with the children slowly. That's what works for us but of course all circumstances are different.

I have learnt a lot from this thread so thank you to all posters.

OP posts:
Cantsleeppast3am · 04/09/2019 21:16

It's a no from me. Single mother (by choice) and there's no way I'd be moving anyone in my dds home.

I've a young relative and in the last 4 years there's been 3-4 guys in her 8 year olds life.
There's a new baby too and her arrival came before her parents first anniversary of even meeting. Sad

Thehouseintheforest · 04/09/2019 21:18

I think the MN mantra is complete bollocks !

The important thing here is how the children feel about the new man in their lives.. and how he acts with them. ! If you follow MN wisdom they won't even meet him until you've known him for years ..

I would introduce him as soon as it's serious... and that is individual in ALL. cases..

Then see how he behaves with them. Gauge how they feel about him over a year.. with regular time spent together. Maybe something like a Friday or Saturday including a night .. then ASK them !! If they are happy then see what they think. and go from there.

There is NO right way. ! I left children's dad and met my now DH 3 months later. Kids met him 3 months after that. He moved in 3 months later and we married 6 months down that road ..

15 years later he is the best step father you could ask for. . It entirely depends on ;
The children
The type of man.
His commitment
Your commitment
Your parenting styles
Your relationship with ex wife/husband. (This should probably be too of the list as children not feeling torn or guilty towards one parent makes a huge difference)

Beaverdam · 04/09/2019 21:30

I'd never. There are too many risks involved.