How long should a mother with young children wait before her boyfriend moves in?

[UndertheCedartree]

I see this subject come up a lot - and the mother is very often told her boyfriend moved in too quickly. Now I know there are lots of factors involved but a lot of it seems to come down to the length of time together. For example a boyfriend of 18 months is refered to as a 'stranger'. So I wondered what sort of time frame people would think acceptable?

I don’t think there is any right or wrong time
I’ve know people who waited years and then split up because they couldn’t handle living with the kids or blending families
I met my DH and we were married within 3 months 😂
We still together 20 plus years and yes he met my son who was a toddler pretty much straight away
He had two kids who were 5 & 6 who lived with their mum and my son was slightly younger
We decided straight away that we didn’t want any more kids between us and I’ve never considered myself as a stepmum although legally I am
I didn’t expect my DH to provide for my son money wise but I did expect him to be a good role model and support my son emotionally which he has always done and he treats my son like his own and my DS calls him Dad and has done since he was about 6
It probably helps that all the kids are boys and similar ages so all got on
And we have never done what people expect us to do only what is right for us and the DC
So we did separate holidays and holidays together and I often took my son on my own on holiday
All the boys are all grown up now with no problems and all are very close to my DH

Seriously, mums who say “never while they live at home” can be just as detrimental to their kids lives as mums who move in bf within weeks

I was the one that said that. Several ways actually.

1. Like it or not your kids WILL feel more “responsible” for you as they get older. I have seen it with my own kids and several other single parent families. Kids with two GOOD parents are more “carefree” as they fly the nest. Sorry if that’s not a popular view but I’ve seen it over and over.
2. The other danger is your kids become your “whole world” and you find it hard to let go because if you do, you’re then alone. This hasn’t happened to me as I’ve always encouraged mine to go off and live their lives, but again I have seen it in other families.
3. Being a parent is hard. I don’t think anyone would argue against that. Some do manage fine alone and that’s great but for others they become very depressed. Having lived with a depressed mother myself as a small child, I can tell you that it wasn’t fun. When that is your “only” parent (especially if there is no wider family around) it’s very isolating for the child.

Do I think this will happen in ALL cases where mum stays alone? No of course not. But conversely, not all blended families will end in disaster either. Hence why I wrote “can be” in that statement, not “will be”.

If you want to live alone with your kids, that’s fine. But don’t judge others because they would like to be part of a 2 parent family. The individual people on this thread might not be judgemental but we have all seen the threads where mum’s been ripped apart for moving someone in. There was one just this week. So you can’t say they aren’t judged.

Wait til they're 18. Why does your romantic relationship have to affect their home life?

Kids with two GOOD parents are more “carefree” as they fly the nest

Ah see my DD is lucky, she has three GOOD parents. Two biological and a step-mum!

@Asta19 all those problems can be solved by the mother cultivating good friendships, hobbies, career and even a romantic relationship outside the home. You don't have to risk moving an unrelated male in with your kids to stop them feeling 'responsible' for you.

But as I said in an earlier post. Not all single parents are “equal”. Mine didn’t have a dad or grandparents. All they had was me. Just me. Many other single mums are in the same situation.

Jacques hammer and *Joxer
*
if it doesn't apply, let it fly.

My comment wasn't directed to either of you.

I'm addressing people who speak on behalf of single parents saying what they'd do, and those who condemn single parents as selfish for not being single.

if it doesn't apply, let it fly

It’s a forum, the whole point is to discuss

RuffleCrow

I have all those things but they still worry about something happening to me when I’m alone in the house! My DS moved abroad recently and asked me to promise that I wouldn’t go climbing ladders and being reckless (I fell off one last year when I was decorating!) unless my DD was in the house. They do worry.

They do worry

As do kids of two parents living together! I think children worrying about parents is a very normal aspect of growing up.

I also think if you’re a decent parent, you work on strategies to minimise this.

Like it or not your kids WILL feel more “responsible” for you as they get older. I have seen it with my own kids and several other single parent families.

So because YOU failed to ensure your Dc didn’t feel responsible for you, it applies to all single parent families?

The other danger is your kids become your “whole world” and you find it hard to let go because if you do, you’re then alone. This hasn’t happened to me as I’ve always encouraged mine to go off and live their lives, but again I have seen it in other families.

So all single parents have no life outside their kids? You must live in a small world indeed. I do feel for you if that’s the case.

But don’t judge others because they would like to be part of a 2 parent family.

That’s not what is being judged. What is being judged is moving in too soon or in far from ideal circumstances (he’s only met the kids 3 times/he shouts a lot/he doesn’t work/he has lots of debt/his ex has said he was abusive) or for not the best reasons (like his landlord was selling up/his job is closer to your house/you got pregnant by accident) and of course that is why the OP of the thread you reference got judgement. She did make ill-judged decisions and the inevitable happened. What happened to her is exactly Why people have the rules they do which you deem as “judgy”. It’s to protect their families from what happened to her. Or worse.

I'm addressing people who speak on behalf of single parents

Which posters are they? I didn’t see anyone saying they were speaking on behalf of single parents.

I specifically said mine do have a life of their own! And it’s precisely because I don’t live in a “small world” that I have seen lots of single parent families where it is the case that the mum doesn’t want to let go. I find it unhealthy and toxic. Point being not all mums who devote themselves to their kids are doing it for the “right” reasons. Same as not all mums who move someone in are doing it for the “right” reasons. It works both ways. And if you can’t acknowledge that then it’s you that lives in a small world.

My DS does have 2 good parents. We just don't happen to be in a relationship. Not all single mums have feckless exes.

And while my DS is the most important thing to me, I won't be alone when he flies the nest. I have plenty of friends and family and a good social life.

I specifically said mine do have a life of their own!

So if you can manage that, what makes you think all the other single parents can’t?

Point being not all mums who devote themselves to their kids are doing it for the “right” reasons.

This is why we’re having a problem. You equate “not moving a partner in” to “vowing to stay single and celibate forever and die a lonely old lady crying over a photo of her children”

The thing is what works for one person doesn’t work for another. I want a partner I can marry and live with.

Someone else will want a person they can see casually, another person will want an exclusive relationship with someone without living together, someone else will prefer to remain single.

It’s about doing what works for you, and that will be different for everyone.

Not at all. I think if a mum chooses not to move a man in, good for her! Of my kids first 18 years, their dad was there the first 2 years and I lived with someone for 4 years later on. So there was still 12 years where it was just us. And we were fine and happy. But equally it did not “destroy” or “devastate” them when my partner did move in, or indeed later when he moved out! I’m not sure if I ever particularly want to live with anyone again but I won’t vilify someone who does want that.

vowing to stay single and celibate forever and die a lonely old lady crying over a photo of her children

You say that as if it’s so far fetched. I was doing long distance a few years ago with an Italian man. He was 38. He decided to try coming over and living here for a while. His mum called him every day, crying, making up “health problems” etc. In the end he went home and we split up! Some women do guilt trip their kids to keep them close. His dad had died when he was young and she did stay celibate, never dated anyone etc. All she needed were “her boys”. So unhealthy.

Some really good points here (among the obligatory nastiness).

One thing I'd ask happily married people to bear in mind is that it's expensive and lonely being a single mum.

And please be tactful because it's difficult to cope with the xh having so much more freedom and being able to move on much faster.

I was the child of a single mum who made shocking relationship choices that badly damaged me and dsis. I was in the 'never move another man in' camp before my divorce.

With the extra money I'd from having a partner here, paying half, I could give my dc so much more. I'm barely scraping by. But I'll be extremely careful and take things very slowly.

All theoretical at the moment as I haven't met someone good enough and my standards are so high it may never happen!

I’d also ask happily married people to understand that “I’m happily single” isn’t a reflection on their relationship and if they’re taking it as such maybe they’re not as “happily married” as they profess.

I feel it is up to the mother to assess what it right for herself and her child.

My boyfriend is planning to move in with me and my DD after 16 months of dating. My DD met my partner quite early on (lack of childcare) and they have known each other for over a year at this point.

For me, I am financially independent and my boyfriend will not be on the house tenancy so if it doesn't go well, he have to leave.

You say that as if it’s so far fetched.

No, I say that as if it’s what you’re equating “not moving boyfriend in” to mean. Which of course is rubbish. Knowing one case of a woman being dependant on her 38 year old son does not make your case.

The more you post, the more projection I’m seeing.

It was an example. I don’t think anyone wants to see me list 10 examples, even though I could. You’re clearly not reading my posts properly so I’m going to stop engaging with you.

I think Asta19 is making excellent points, some of which you don't read very often on here so it's food for thought

I’m reading all your posts asta. But yes let’s agree to disagree on this. Otherwise we’ll go in circles.