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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How long should a mother with young children wait before her boyfriend moves in?

308 replies

UndertheCedartree · 04/09/2019 08:51

I see this subject come up a lot - and the mother is very often told her boyfriend moved in too quickly. Now I know there are lots of factors involved but a lot of it seems to come down to the length of time together. For example a boyfriend of 18 months is refered to as a 'stranger'. So I wondered what sort of time frame people would think acceptable?

OP posts:
Original poster
UndertheCedartree · 05/09/2019 10:58

@bunnycolvin - thanks

OP posts:
Tweetingmagpie · 05/09/2019 11:05

It depends on the person you are moving in surely!

My mum introduced me to my stepdad one day and then he just never went home. He was nice to me at first but became emotionally and occasionally physically abusive as I got older which my mum admitted to and she never stuck up for me because she chose him over me and didn’t want to rock the boat. As I posted up thread my situation is different to hers in about a million different ways.

Also I’ve noticed most of the people saying never are still with their kids dad Grin when I was with ex’s I would’ve said the same ( even though I couldn’t stand him!) because the thought of it didn’t sit right with me but when I met the right person who enhanced all of our lives, not just mine, I changed my mind.

Blanket rules and statements aren’t good for anyone, the answer to the op and to lost questions in life, is, it depends!

Sotiredofthislife · 05/09/2019 11:18

See, Asta, I have been single for nearly 12 years. My eldest is 16. We regularly discuss what I’m going to do when they finally leave home. I travelled extensively before I had husband and children. I have plans, as a teacher, to work in the international sector, when they leave. We have discussed how that will be financed and when I make financial decisions (we are about to buy a very small flat on buy to let) I have discussed with them my decision-making and what my hopes are.

Why do you assume all single parents are hanging onto their children? Or that we are unable to see the long term picture, unable to plan or make provisions for themselves? Single parenting is tough, but we are not all miserable and depressed and making our children worry about us. Same as all married people are not care free or never engage unhealthy relationships with their children. I genuinely don’t understand why you assume that is the case. I have met so many, many women like you who cannot comprehend that being single long term is OK and doesn’t have to be about misery and loneliness. What are you so scared of?

Original poster
UndertheCedartree · 05/09/2019 11:19

@tweetingmagpie - I agree that when the right person comes along it can change your mind.

I've read a lot about people talking about staying financially independent even when a new partner has moved in. I was just wondering what that would look like? For example I have a mortgage on my house. If my boyfriend moved in should I just pay for it and keep it only in my name or should I expect him to contribute? If he did should his name go on the house?

OP posts:
Madfrogs · 05/09/2019 11:27

Never. Sure date but there is no reason to force a new man into your children’s home. Other than your own wants.

I don't believe in blending and step families from my on personal experiences from being in one as a child.

Once the children are adults then sure live with whoever want.

Tweetingmagpie · 05/09/2019 11:29

I’m not sure what most people would do but if I had a mortgage I would be paying it myself and keeping it in my name, partner would be expected to cover tribute to the household as he would be living there, so food and bills and whatever he would be paying in rent. I’m not sure , it’s a tricky one.

Ironically I’m now financially I dependant because of my first husband! Mortgage free. Me and dh have our own bank accounts hit own a business together and take equal amounts, we both pay for different things and it amounts to about the same, so for example I pay the council tax and bills and food, he pays for all of our phone contracts, dog food, petrol and car insurance ( we have lots of phones, cars and dogs who eat fancy raw foodGrin )

Tweetingmagpie · 05/09/2019 11:29

Financially independent!

Asta19 · 05/09/2019 11:34

Why do you assume all single parents are hanging onto their children

See this is where people don't read my posts properly before posting their own knee jerk reaction. At no point have I said ALL. In fact I have been very specific that it is not all. I also said I did spend 12 of my kids 18 years alone quite happily. So if someone can't even be bothered to read my post properly before trying to call me out on it, then I'm not getting into a debate with you.

JacquesHammer · 05/09/2019 11:36

Asta I think you make some interesting points, but for me they can’t be attributed easily to single vs married. I think it’s way more nuanced than that but is probably more down to personality (both of the child and the parent) than marital status.

tigerbear · 05/09/2019 11:38

@UndertheCedartree in my case, my DP moved into my house, which I have a mortgage on.
We both have our own bank accounts and savings, but also have a joint account, which we pay equal amounts in to, to cover mortgage, all bills, house maintenance and furniture, all food, all entertainment (inc eating out, holidays, days out with DD)
The mortgage is in my name only, and it’s just never occurred to us to change it.

Asta19 · 05/09/2019 11:47

I agree totally Jacques. And that's the point I am trying to make. No one way is the "right" way. I am "sticking up for" the women who do want a relationship/live in partner, because I do see them getting "picked on" for want of a better phrase. Single, happy, independent mothers don't need sticking up for! They can manage that well themselves!

People are reading my posts as being my personal feelings about my personal situation. They are not. I saw a woman on here slaughtered the other day about her decision to move a man in, and yes I did stick up for her on that thread too. Even though I am happily single.

I'd just like to see us being more supportive of each other, rather than putting women down because they want love. And I will say once again, I am not advocating moving in together quickly, nor introducing numerous men, but a mother should still be able to have a relationship if she wants to. And yes, progress to moving in if it feels like the right thing to do.

JacquesHammer · 05/09/2019 11:49

Single, happy, independent mothers don't need sticking up for! They can manage that well themselves!

This really made me laugh. Do you know how much shit we get Grin

Asta19 · 05/09/2019 11:53

Well yes, I've been there! I was more being specific to this forum when I said that. I think it's different in the "real world" as it were.

Sotiredofthislife · 05/09/2019 13:08

It is absolutely....human to ‘want love’, but that shouldn’t come st the expense of children’s long term mental health, emotional and financial security. Love doesn’t have to look like the conventional mum/dad/children family. Family doesn’t have to look like mum/dad/children. The many, many, many unsuccessful attempts at ‘blending families’ show just how difficult it is. Some thinking outside the box could result in very different outcomes not only for the children, but also for the adults concerned.

EveryFlightBeginsWithAFall · 05/09/2019 17:11

It’s a never again from me, once bitten etc

I can’t imagine wanting to live with anyone again though

I’m not sure how that will work if I ever meet anyone, ex has moved abroad so although I have a couple of babysitters I don’t really have much time away from the younger 2 dc

That’s just me though, I don’t judge other people for what they choose to do

EveryFlightBeginsWithAFall · 05/09/2019 17:14

And my dad died when me and dsis were teens, she’s never met anyone else and she was widowed at 36

Me and my sister don’t feel responsible for her. She’s a very independent women, why would we?

TanMateix · 05/09/2019 17:46

Frankly, I do not need a man in my life, I am fiercely independent, have plenty of friends, a job I love. I do not need a man, honest, but I enjoy having one to my side. My son loves him and that is ok. There is nothing dirty about “re coupling” after a failed relationship, the children don’t have to suffer and can get a lot of positive things from the new addition to the family, provided everyone behaves in a caring, considerate and respectful manner.

madcatladyforever · 05/09/2019 17:52

Why is it always the boyfriend moving in with the mum and kids? i never ever hear about an independent bloke asking his girlfriend and her children to move in with him.
No cocklodgers for me thank you.

ChocolateTea · 05/09/2019 17:58

Why is it always the boyfriend moving in with the mum and kids? i never ever hear about an independent bloke asking his girlfriend and her children to move in with him.
No cocklodgers for me thank you.

My boyfriend moved into our home, because it was my house, and it meant my children didn't have their lives or homes disrupted. It's also their home to still have, so protecting their future. He's not a cocklodger, he pays into the joint account, but we have separate finances too.

I think I got lucky reading stories here. Yes we waited 6 years, but I knew he was a good guy. He treats the children well, and takes some parental responsibility (he's been with me for school meetings over the last 5 years, supported me with legal problems, does things like takes forgotten PE kits to school etc)

Not every boyfriend is a cocklodger. Nor is every man a risk to your children as an abuser. If you get to know them, their family, their relationship history, well enough, you can know whether it's likely to work.

I didn't move him in for sex on tap. In fact we have a lot less now he's moved in 😂 Butmy children love him, and him them. They have a huge extended family now, and are happy. They've always been happy, they're still happy.

JoxerGoesToStuttgart · 05/09/2019 18:00

Why is it always the boyfriend moving in with the mum and kids?

Less disruption for the kids. They stay in their own home, in their own rooms, near their own friends and school and only have to deal with a new person living with them. And if the relationship goes arse about face they don’t get chucked out and have to move again.

BunnyColvin · 05/09/2019 18:01

Asta as people have said, the examples you mention are a function of personality rather than civil status. And you only have to look at the relationships board for so many stories about PILs or Ps trying to live in people's pockets or being horrible (especially MILs and DMs). But to me, that totally feeds into my own opinion that marriage, in poor cases of it, can promote lack of independence and can also provide a convenient 'cover up' for some very poor/needy/narcisstic behaviour.

I very much doubt instances of the above are higher among single parents, although obviously I'm not saying they don't exist.

The other thing is, while I don't at all think someone can never consider moving someone in while they have young children in the house, there is absolutely no doubt in my mind that children's voices are often simply not heard in these setups. You only have to see the stories of all the people on this thread who had bad experiences of partners being moved in. Even with the best will in the world, it's extremely difficult to do this right, and even people who think they actually are doing it right have no control over their child potentially telling them later in life that they hated the whole experience.

Obviously for me, there are many many considerations other than my DC, but the above is certainly a risk I'm in no way willing to take.

Cedar don't put him on the mortgage.

BunnyColvin · 05/09/2019 18:05

oops, narcissistic I mean

SimonJT · 05/09/2019 18:14

@madcatladyforever Surely a partner moving in less disruptive compared to the children moving to the partners home/getting a new home together.

I’m a male lone parent, when the time comes (assuming nothing changes), despite my boyfriend having a much bigger flat and a garden, he will move in here as it’s my sons home.

PookieDo · 05/09/2019 18:30

We all know we make mistakes as parents and we are all trying our best to muddle through

The more risk adverse of us who wouldn’t do it are saying it is a parenting decision based on levels of risk that we rule out for many reasons.

If I had 2 small kids who had close RS with their father I might be feeling completely different but I don’t, I have teenage girls who have a difficult relationship with their father and I want to use this time of their lives to make decisions that benefit them, not me. It won’t always be that way. Ok it’s me trying to do a selfless act - but it’s my choice. It’s too risky and it’s too complicated and it would be hugely unfair of me I believe.

Other people are risk takers. They are romantic. They believe in muddling along and hoping for the best, they believe romantic love is important to them, they might want the stability, it might be part of their identity to have a partner.

It’s not part of mine though, and I think it becomes harder to understand why people take such risks, sometimes so quickly and lightly. Many of the people on this thread seem to be sensible and defending themselves that they believed and were right that it was a positive risk and worked out. But that isn’t really what happens for a lot of single mothers. You have so much to lose at a big price. If I can stop one woman making a mistake like this then I will always try give her some advice about it, doesn’t mean I judge her

SpanishTiles · 06/09/2019 08:10

I want to use this time of their lives to make decisions that benefit them, not me. It won’t always be that way.
Exactly this 👆