MIL odd behaviour - AIBU?

[newmum0519]

I am not sure if I'm worried about nothing but my MIL does some odd things and often, when we visit, I come away feeling quite uneasy.

For context, this is our first child and her first grandchild. Our daughter is now 3 months old. My in-laws live about 10 minutes away and we see them at least once a week.

The things she does that concerns me...

1. She refers to my daughter as 'our' daughter when she talks about her to other people. She even corrected my husband once when he said "my daughter" and said "our daughter". It was kind of jokingly said so my husband didn't address it but it made me uneasy.

1. She wants to hold her all the time (and I mean the entire time we are there.) She hovers over me while I am breastfeeding so that she can whisk her out of my arms as soon as I finish feeding (which is uncomfortable for a couple of reasons.) She is reluctant to let anyone else hold her and makes excuses as to why she should stay with her ("don't disturb her whilst she's sleeping".) When my husband has her, she badgers him to let her hold her. My husband is very direct and tells her to back off but she says things like "this is my only time with her" and "you get her all the time".

1. She often takes her off into another room when she is holding her. She's doesn't close the door or anything but she basically goes off on her own. I really don't like this but I don't know if I'm being unreasonable so I haven't said anything. Would it be unreasonable to ask her not to do this?

Am I being unreasonable? Is this normal? Any advice on what I can do or say to stop her doing this stuff without upsetting her would be greatly appreciated.

She just really loves her. It’s uncomfortable and kinda awkward but it’s love. My DM loves my LO so fiercely that she takes her as soon as I’m in hers too, frequently tells me she never felt such a strong love for her own kids and there’s 4 of us 😂

I find it more endearing but I don’t know if I’d feel the same if it was MIL. Do you both have a good bond?

It's quite common on here. My MIL couldn't give a flying fuck about our DC, but my SIL was like this. Even once referring to herself as 'Mummy' to our DS .

I wouldn't worry too much though. I know it must be annoying, but at least she's interested.

My MIL refers to my daughter and my nephew as ‘my baby’. As in, she’ll walk in the door and say, ‘where’s my baby?’ to me or my SIL. It winds me up but she doesn’t mean anything by it.

I’d be annoyed about the hovering around whilst you’re breastfeeding. Maybe try having a word with her? Could you say you’d just prefer some more privacy whilst feeding?

Is it possible that the wanting to hold the baby is the MIL thinking she is helping by giving you a break? When she is taking the baby into another room, what is it she is doing with the baby, how long is she out of the room for?

We have a four week old and I’m not comfortable yet with other people holding her so I don’t think you’re overreacting. If it’s making you uncomfortable maybe have a quiet word, or ask your husband to speak to his mother on your behalf.

Alternatively when she swoops down to try and take the baby, simply smile but decline to hand the baby over saying you’d rather settle her/have a cuddle etc. Your MIL hopefully wouldn’t resort to wrestling the baby from your arms so maybe try that! Good luck

I think the holding thing is fine. You can just see as going over there as a break, and with the four month sleep regression you might relish some baby free time.

Obviously the hovering isn't great. Have you tried being direct? My FIL has this tendency so I just tell him DD needs a feed but FIL is first in line for the next cuddle and I'll pass her over when we're done. I've said things such as "please sit down" and we'll find you" it's lighthearted and polite but cannot be misconstrued.

If you're uncomfortable about MIL walking away just follow her, might be good to have some small talk topics on hand to use as an excuse to come and talk to her. She's probably feeling a bit insecure and like you or DH want to take her back but hopefully this will wear off the more she holds her.

I think mostly you need a chat with your DH about where your boundaries are. "It's great that MIL loves DD and that she.. but it makes me uncomfortable when.. can we agree that if [situation arises] you'll talk to her.. I wouldn't want to jeopardise mine or your relationship with your mum"

Hopefully the baby fever will wear off soon. They're only so little for such a small time.

To you she is MIL, but she sees your child as her grandchild and she loves her.
Grandmothers like alone time with babies. They feel uncomfortable with mothers hovering over them, acting like they don't know how to hold a baby. Your DH lived to grow up, didn't he.
Sometimes they want to be alone to talk baby talk with the baby. To tell them they are "cutsy wootsy" and "look just like their Daddy/Mommy" and other things you wouldn't say in front of other adults.
You are the mother. MIL is not going to turn the baby against you with a 30 minute private cuddle. Try to be kind. You will be a grandmother someday.

I am a MIL with 2 DDIL and 4 DGC. When my grandchildren were born I was overwhelmed with love for them. I would have gladly held them all day, but of course that is neither possible or reasonable. Your baby is so new I am quite sure from what you describe that she has fallen deeply in love with her grandchild. This is normal. Your baby comes from you and very importantly her son. It is a very emotional time for everyone, even MILs. I'll bet it will settle down. It is good also to have her well bonded with your child because she will be there for your daughter for many years.

But there is nothing wrong with you gently asking her for a bit of space as a new Mum. I remember feeling very aware of my DILs' feelings about that. If you can keep in mind that she is doing what she is doing out of love, I am sure the two of you can find a mutually comfortable place.

Congrats on your little one!

Thanks for the advice everyone. It has definitely helped calm me down a bit. I'll definitely chat to my DH about having a few boundaries set up.

Wonderland18 - we have a complicated relationship. We get on, but only because we don't really confront eachother about disagreements. I'm totally cr*p at confrontations and tend to fall to pieces so I just avoid it. She usually talks to my DH instead of me or sends a passive aggressive text to me a few hours after we have seen them. My DH and her fight a lot, mainly because she expects so much from him and us. It's not an exaggeration to say that although he is 36 she treats him like a

...little boy. She would happily have him and his brother move back home so she could look after them. She has done a few things which although are clearly out of love still cross the line. For instance she had a spare key to a our house (just in case we locked ouselves out) and went in without asking a couple of times. One time to put some food in our fridge whilst we were in hospital (having my DD) and another time to put my husband's birthday present inside (even though it wasn't his birthday and we would be seeing them on his birthday.) We have since had a new door fitted (because of building work not because of this) and needless to say didn't give her a copy of the new key.

I think that her putting food in your house was a really caring thing to do, it is your husband's house too. Leaving the present, that is crossing the line for me.

I could see myself (if my kids ever have kids) being the kind of Mum who drops meals off so when they got home they wouldn't have to worry about cooking etc.

tryingtobebetterallthetime - thank you. It is good to here from a MIL. I know it is all coming from a loving place.

GeorgiaGirl52 - thank you too. I know you're right. I've never been particularly broody and so it has been quite a surprise to me that I am a bit possessive over my DD (I have to make a conscious effort to not hover over anyone who is holding her.)

It annoys me when she constantly tries to take over from my DH (if DD starts to cry she tries to take her from him to settle her) but he can fight his own battles. I suppose it only really gets to me because she constantly complains that her husband was never very hands on with their children and 'never even changed a single nappy' yet she tries to take over from my DH every chance she can - stopping him from being 'hands on.' i.e. he'll start changing a nappy and she will try and take over. He'll usually resists her interfering in these situations but it doesn't stop her from doing exactly the same thing the next time.

i was a nightmare first time mum. first,ii had to nip to a payphone(ds1=24.payphone was a thing)..i said..ma,see babies....well..you know how they wear hats? well,is it all the time,even in their own house.."(coulda been the pips,but i think i heard her rollin her eyes")...i was an utter twat if anyone attempted to hold him,at first...ds1=24yrs ds2= 9yrs..my ma and both boys here for dinner this eve..she came in and exclaimed oh lovely both my boys are here....its new to you all.but its ok

@FiveFarthings
You don't let anyone hold your baby at 4 weeks old? Your making a rod for your own back believe me. Not to mention its odd.

My MIL did this. It drove me absolutely crazy, and I don’t see her much as a result now DD is a bit older which is completely her fault as she also gives unwanted ‘advice’.

Your baby is tiny, it’s perfectly okay for you not to want her to take the baby out of the room. You need to be assertive here and tell her to stop doing that when it happens. Babies only need to be with their mothers at this age. Especially as you’re breastfeeding, if she hovers just say ‘MIl please can I have some space’. I think in this situations you just need to be blunt and not worry about offending them as if you don’t address it they will get worse.

Good luck!

StoppinBy - I wasn't too bothered by the food thing either but my DH didn't like it. I think because there is a long history of her being a bit too interfering. The present thing did weird me out a bit though.

She did also once go into our old flat and took a photograph. We were on our honeymoon and had given a key to my BIL to feed our fish whilst we were away. She went with him one time and took a photograph of her and her husband that we had had printed for our wedding (we had pictures of our parents and grandparents wedding photos on a table.) I had planned to give the photo to them anyway when we got back from the honeymoon but when I got home I couldn't find it anywhere and then when we went to visit it was on her wall. DH confronted her about it and she said we had given it to her before we went away but this definitely wasn't true and she was very sheepish.

You don't let anyone hold your baby at 4 weeks old? Your making a rod for your own back believe me. Not to mention its odd.

No it’s not. DD had terrible separation anxiety until she was about 10 months so I mostly held her as she would cry with anyone else. Now she’s 14 months she’s the most confident, sociable little girl I know. I hate the phrase rod for your own back! Newborns don’t need to be passed around if that’s not what you want to do.

RainbowsandSnowdrops - thank you. I will try to be more assertive when she is hovering.

I definitely want her to have a good relationship with my DD. I know I'm going to have to make a concerted effort not to show my frustrations with my MIL in front of my DD.

tolerable - thanks. We are lucky to have the internet nowadays to ask all the questions that pop into our heads. I can't imagine how many times I would have called my mum if I didn't have Google to check with first!

I think that this will be a good exercise (sorry I can’t think of a nicer word) for you in assertiveness where your child is concerned. There are going to be many many occasions when someone does something that you’re not comfortable with, and you have to speak up and say, ‘No, I’m keeping baby with me!’ Or whatever it is that you want to do/not do.
Personally I think that rather than focus on whether your MIL is BU or not, the question is more whether you can get across how you want things to be.
The baby is so small and more importantly, you’re her mum, so you really get the final say. You don’t have to give a reason!

I could have written this original post 10 years, except my MIL wanted to make sure my unmarried and childless SIL didn’t feel left out. As soon as we would arrive at their house, she would take my DS for the briefest cuddle and then pass him on immediately, encouraging my SIL to take him to another room to be alone.
My own DM gave me great words of wisdom. It’s not just me and my husband learning to be parents, it’s everyone else learning to be grandparents, aunties, uncles etc.
It’s not easy

I too was very possessive over my babies, my DD is 6 now, was always very friendly to the point of being too friendly except for a small period of time when she was a toddler. The first day of kindy she sat behind the door for 1/2 an hour until it was time to go as she was so excited and when we got there she took off like a shot with barely a backwards glance. School was much the same lol. Holding your baby all time is not going to make them clingy unless they were already going to be clingy.

LincolnshireYellowBelly - that's very true. My parent's were already grandparents (2 of my sisters have kids) and they are definitely a lot more relaxed. That's not to say my mum doesn't get very excited to see my DD. I'll try to remember that she is learning to be a Grandparent too.

PeppermintPatty10 - I think you are right! I think when it comes to me I would rather not have a confrontation and just bury my frustrations but I'm hoping that when it comes to my DD I will be assertive enough to stand up for her.

My DGS's first Christmas he was crying at Christmas dinner time. His Mum, my DIL, and my son, his Father, could not relax and enjoy the meal and family time. I remember so clearly taking the baby and standing in a front window looking at Christmas lights with him and singing while rocking him. I was in a different room! He calmed and went to sleep. It was a Christmas gift to me I will never forget.

Yesterday I baked a batch of oatmeal chocolate chips for him and his sister as a return to school treat. He just texted me. He is 16. He said his first day was great!

I know young mums today are often better educated in parenting and safeguarding etc. but remember that grandparents are not strangers. They have experience. They usually care a great deal and want to do the right thing.

Oatmeal chocolate chip cookies. A family favourite. Made with stoneground multigrain flour, organic oatmeal and 1/2 the brown sugar my own dear Mum used. I do try!

I think you need to trust your instincts here. You've described a few things she's done which feel intrusive and disrespectful to me. Taking something from your house and lying about it? Making up a fake reason to let herself into your home while you're not there? That's not normal 'excited to be a grandparent' stuff. It's a woman with boundary issues and you're rightly having a gut reaction because she is not respectful of your comfort zone or privacy.

My in laws are similar (actually much worse) and my big regret from the newborn phase is that I was too eager to please them and didn't set boundaries. I highly recommend you do, in a direct but polite way.

when she hovers while you breastfeed- 'MIL, could you step back, I'd like some privacy please.

When she moves to take baby into another room 'MiL, I prefer DD to stay near me, could you please have your cuddle over here?'

If she moves to take DD off your DH 'Thanks MiL but DH is managing well without help- haven't men come a long way!'

If she's holding her and you want her back- walk up to her with your arms out and say 'thanks MIL, back to mum now'

She is your baby. She is brand new. She has a lifetime to bond with her extended family, newborns just want mum & dad. You don't have to make yourself uncomfortable to please MIL.