MIL odd behaviour - AIBU?

[newmum0519]

I am not sure if I'm worried about nothing but my MIL does some odd things and often, when we visit, I come away feeling quite uneasy.

For context, this is our first child and her first grandchild. Our daughter is now 3 months old. My in-laws live about 10 minutes away and we see them at least once a week.

The things she does that concerns me...

1. She refers to my daughter as 'our' daughter when she talks about her to other people. She even corrected my husband once when he said "my daughter" and said "our daughter". It was kind of jokingly said so my husband didn't address it but it made me uneasy.

1. She wants to hold her all the time (and I mean the entire time we are there.) She hovers over me while I am breastfeeding so that she can whisk her out of my arms as soon as I finish feeding (which is uncomfortable for a couple of reasons.) She is reluctant to let anyone else hold her and makes excuses as to why she should stay with her ("don't disturb her whilst she's sleeping".) When my husband has her, she badgers him to let her hold her. My husband is very direct and tells her to back off but she says things like "this is my only time with her" and "you get her all the time".

1. She often takes her off into another room when she is holding her. She's doesn't close the door or anything but she basically goes off on her own. I really don't like this but I don't know if I'm being unreasonable so I haven't said anything. Would it be unreasonable to ask her not to do this?

Am I being unreasonable? Is this normal? Any advice on what I can do or say to stop her doing this stuff without upsetting her would be greatly appreciated.

Have a word with DH and ask him to have a word

@WeirdandScary I could have written your post. It is indeed terrifying how your MIL, and mine, behave like complete nutjobs around their granddaughters.

I must warn you that it develops in multiple different ways as the child gets older. My MIL had a speciality, when my daughter was around 2 or 3 years old, of waiting until I was out of the room/in the loo etc. and then 'taking her for a walk' to the shops or wherever, without telling anyone.

We wouldn't have refused if she'd asked. It was just this absolute obsession with 'getting one over on us', with sneaking out, with thwarting our control and knowledge of what was happening with our own child.

As a mum, as you know, it's a really horrible feeling to suddenly not know where one of your kids is, or to realise they aren't in the house at all when you thought they were.

justilou1 - We have discussed moving many times! I genuinely think they would follow us. I once nearly got a job that would mean I would be working abroad over Christmas. I hadn't even had the interview yet and they were looking at how much flights would cost so they wouldn't miss Christmas with their son. I'm am a little concerned about this Christmas TBH. MIL tends to make it all about her. I have broached the subject with my DH but he thinks I'm over thinking it. I guess DD isn't going to be old enough to remember this one but I will.

Honestly they have ruined so many occasions. My DHs 30th they insisted on taking him to the south of France. I went with so I could be with him on his birthday but I really struggled to afford it. They kept insisting on eating and drinking in fancy places, ordering the most expensive things and then spilting the bill between us all. In the end I was drinking tap water and having a starter for my main whilst they had three courses and copious amounts of wine. When we got back they messaged me to ask for more money (for a taxi they had booked to one of these fancy restaurants.)

Jeez what a total bitch your mil is, I mean putting food in your fridge so you have food to come home to after having your child in hospital, doting on your child what a total cow, you dont know you are born. My kids dont 1st grandmother is evil and on the sex offenders register for raping children so gets no where near my kids, grandparents 2 are far two busy with db kids to bother with mine. Things could be worse op,

@Rubicon80 that's such a weird and upsetting thing for anyone to do but especially for someone who has been amum herself and must know what it would feel like to not know where her child has gone.

@WeirdAndScary if we saw my parents more often I definitely think my MIL would be even more demanding. Its sad but do prioritize my DHs family over mine because mine are so much less needy. We always share good news with them first and when we go visit my folks with out a doubt she will message us on the way back about seeing us.

If we go away on holiday she messages the minute we get back about seeing us. Literally, the plane will be taxi'ing my DH will take his phone off airplane mode and it will buzz. She must use a flight tracker to find out when we are landing!

I think you need to tell DH he needs to grow a pair and draw the diagram with the inner circle with you, DH & DD in it, one with your family and his family in it outside that circle and then another with friends - it’s called the circle of influence or something. It shows where everyone fits in decision-making. You could adapt the one I have attached below to suit. They are far too enmeshed and need to allow you all space to grow as a unit. (Also look up enmeshment - I suspect MIL’s identity is very firmly wrapped up in motherhood and now that you have produced a child, you are very much unnecessary and going to be pushed out of the picture. She only needs your DH & DD.)

No way you could trust your MIL with childcare. And it’s not because she is your MIL , no, it’s because of her attitude. She doesn’t respect you and her son (your DH) and treat you both like children. She won’t listen your instructions. And she’s controlling.There are lots of good advices on these thread. The best approach is to be polite but firm. These stories about booking a man to repair your shower and about proposal are very telling. I’m talking from experience and it’s actually my Mum who tends to behave like this.

Btw, my mother’s best quote of insanity stems from me telling my mum that she couldn’t actually grace us with her presence as she had announced, because my MIL had just flown 4,500km to see our DD, and no, I thought MIL WOULD mind if my mother came as well, because she deserved to spend some alone time with DD too.....
“I’m more her grandmother than SHE is!!!”
Do I need to give you a basic lesson in genetics, Mum?

@justilou1 - thank you for that. I think you're definitely right about the identity thing. She has always acted threatened by my role as a partner to her son. She wants to be the one to cook and clean for him. If DH ever compliments me about something I have made in front of her, the next meal she makes she will go all out and prepare a banquet (were are talking at least 4 courses and on a random Tuesday with no occasion.) I can't say I mind really, she's an incredible cook and I don't feel the need to compete. My DH and I share the cooking at home.

I guess that's why I wanted to check with others about her behaviour with DD. If it's just a normal grandmother thing then fine but my concern is that she wants to mother my DD too.

The more you write the worse she sounds.

BTW, you are not overthinking Christmas, she will expect that she has involvement in your plans (aka, she decides what you are all doing).

I would increase visits with your family, move away, stop all your visits (your maternity leave will go very fast) and do not in anyway involve her in the childcare of your child.

She does want to mother your DC....you are merely an incubator.

Yeah.... you need to start spreading out the visits. This woman needs her OWN life, not yours. Don’t want to scare you, but women like this can get dangerous.

It sounds like MIL sees DH as an extension of herself so, by that line of reasoning, your child is effectively her child. She has no boundaries and will continue to steamroll over yours if you let her.

You need to be very firm and explicit to her about what your boundaries are and if she kicks off, just let her do so. Pretend she is a toddler having a tantrum, that's basically what it is like.

You might also want to check out the book "Toxic in-laws" by Susan Forward.

@Raspberrytruffle I don't think my MIL is a bitch. She is clearly a very caring, loving person. It is just frustrating because she spends a lot of time and energy doing things for her sons that they don't want and then gets upset when they aren't grateful enough.

I should clarify the food thing. The food wasn't for me it was just for DH. I was still in hospital. She had asked him if he wanted her to make him something and he had said no thank you because he wasn't sure when he would be going home. She then turned up on the ward and got angry because he had ordered a delivery and she had already put food in our fridge. He was annoyed because she had ignored him (why ask if you are just going to do what you want anyway) and also because she went into our house without asking (which I think is understandable after the whole stealing thing.)

Anyway, all that said, clearly none of this remotely compares to what you must had had to go through. It must be so difficult to navigate that kind of stuff with kids.

@Lahlahfizzyfizzydoda @justilou1 @violetbunny - thank you all for the advice.

I will definitely check out that book!

I think you will find it very familiar!!!!

@justilou1 @violetbunny so I just downloaded it! They tick all 11 of the toxic in-laws check list!!!

I'm sure reading this is going to be a big help. Thank you so much.

There's a thing about them being derogatory about your appearance... MIL always says I look so tired. "Did you not sleep last night?" or "you look shattered". This was even before DD came along and when I was in my early 20s - I got really paranoid about having dark rings under my eyes and bought tonnes of different eye creams to try and fix it. I would say I hadn't slept when I had because I felt I had to make an excuse for my appearance. After a while I mentioned it to my DH and we started making an inside joke out of it - so it became amusing when she said it, like 'she only said it once this visit'. Or he would say it back to her which helped make it less upsetting.

@newmum0519 - my mum died a couple of years ago, and I still feel like I need wooden stakes and holy water in case she turns up again..... (although not remotely superstitious by nature). That’s how much her voice has invaded my head. You need to get DH on side and really start to hear how very unhealthy his parents are. His father is enabling and normalizing his mother’s very sick and intrusive behaviour and is as much a part of this pattern as well. I think you will find that DH’s household was one ruled by intense, tantrum-like histrionics and a weak-willed father who claimed to be powerless who was in fact, manipulating everyone. (Probably with money.)

Same author has a book about toxic parents too.

OP YANBU, there's some good points but also a lot of excuses here. She is overstepping boundaries. That's why you're uncomfortable. And she needs to back off, gently.

You do not hover over a new mum when they are breastfeeding so you can grab the baby. It's not pleasant. And IMO it is incredibly selfish. She needs to learn to wait to be offered a cuddle.

She's also undermining your DH, which means he's not getting a chance to learn new dad stuff. You and he need to find a way to tell her that you need to learn things for yourselves.

I'd also follow her if she takes baby to another room and you're not comfortable.

She is putting her feelings and desires over yours and your DH's. And potentially over your baby's.

Could you wear your baby in a sling when you are around MIL, OP? That way she physically can't try to take the baby off you, and if she asks you can just blithely say "Oh, she's very happy sleeping on Mummy at the moment" and change the subject.

I don't like people saying 'my baby' or 'our baby' either OP.

It sounds like MIL sees DH as an extension of herself so, by that line of reasoning, your child is effectively her child.

My MIL has said herself this is how she views grandchildren so I think that is where a boundary struggle can start. It's tricky as some people in the family want her to take over with their babies, but I do not. I don't mind a cuddle whilst I have a hot cup of tea but I don't like people trying to take my baby where I can't see and I do tell them that. Nothing wrong with how you feel. She is learning how to be a GM and is getting on your wick a bit, I think everyone goes through this.

The sad thing is if all she has to offer is neediness her GC will probably lose interest in her when they get older. These people tend to be really boring.