MIL odd behaviour - AIBU?

[newmum0519]

I am not sure if I'm worried about nothing but my MIL does some odd things and often, when we visit, I come away feeling quite uneasy.

For context, this is our first child and her first grandchild. Our daughter is now 3 months old. My in-laws live about 10 minutes away and we see them at least once a week.

The things she does that concerns me...

1. She refers to my daughter as 'our' daughter when she talks about her to other people. She even corrected my husband once when he said "my daughter" and said "our daughter". It was kind of jokingly said so my husband didn't address it but it made me uneasy.

1. She wants to hold her all the time (and I mean the entire time we are there.) She hovers over me while I am breastfeeding so that she can whisk her out of my arms as soon as I finish feeding (which is uncomfortable for a couple of reasons.) She is reluctant to let anyone else hold her and makes excuses as to why she should stay with her ("don't disturb her whilst she's sleeping".) When my husband has her, she badgers him to let her hold her. My husband is very direct and tells her to back off but she says things like "this is my only time with her" and "you get her all the time".

1. She often takes her off into another room when she is holding her. She's doesn't close the door or anything but she basically goes off on her own. I really don't like this but I don't know if I'm being unreasonable so I haven't said anything. Would it be unreasonable to ask her not to do this?

Am I being unreasonable? Is this normal? Any advice on what I can do or say to stop her doing this stuff without upsetting her would be greatly appreciated.

Her behaviour isn’t ‘odd’ - she’s expressing love and a desire to connect to her son and grandchild. From your perspective she may well be a little overbearing at times...she’s not your mum and the connection isn’t there.
This situation could be advantageous for you if you play it right. Willing babysitters are worth their weight in GOLD pal.

Yes yes you want it all your own way. Want to do it all by yourself and hate meeting up with the in-laws. Fine. No doubt MN will tell you as the Giver of Life you are to be exalted in all things.
Your dh? What about him? Has to realise he has his own little family now. Time to cut the apron strings.
Etc

Unto infinity.

tryingtobebetterallthetime - I get it. And I know they have no malice. It's all done out of love. It's just the way they go about things - like WishingILivedOnAnIsland said, they still think we are children. I know your kids will always be children to you but when they were much younger than we are now they had their kids and moved to a different country. Both my DH and his brother were over a year old before they met they're grandparents. My in-laws met my DD on day two and came to the hospital everyday whilst I was in.

I guess we just have different ideas about our respective roles in eachother lives. And I am keen to find a middle ground but very aware that if I am not assertive it will be more how they want things to be. I don't want them to not see their grandchild but I also don't want to sacrifice too much of my time with her either. I would love to have more children but it has been a difficult road getting here and that may not happen so I want to cherish this time as much as possible and not spend the whole time having to appease them.

Sorry that ended up a but of a rant!

I felt like you. He’s two and a half now and strangely enough MIL, aunts etc aren’t as keen to sprint round after him as they were to cuddle him as a baby. I wish I’d drink more tea in peace at the time now!

I don't see anything 'odd' about it.
Half the enjoyment of going somewhere when mine were that age was the handing off of baby at the door

pictish - it was a genuine question about whether her behaviour was odd or not as I have no frame of reference. My mum isn't anywhere near as intense with my DD but she's my mum so of course I'm more at ease with her and she already has other grandchildren. It's good to here from other MILs that it is normal. My DH has a complicated relationship with his parents. He loves them to bits but they have some blazing rows.

CJsGoldfish - maybe I'll feel that way in a few months and I'll think back to myself now and think you fool! But at the moment I love spending every minute with her.

I think like most of these MIL threads that this behaviour is part of a bigger pattern. That story of them trying to hire a contractor behind your back is telling. I would keep gently correcting her when she says our baby and keep the spare key from them.

It might get easier when baby gets bigger and more playful. That's when they actually do start to benefit more directly from extended family.

It does sound like she is a bit possessive, and if you feel uneasy about it, then it’s definantly wrong.

She should respect you when you are breastfeeding, and not badger you to hold her.

There’s nothing wrong in wanting a cuddle, as such, but it’s the persistence that is a bit overbearing. Also, by always holding her, it can almost seem like she is undermining you.

Establish boundaries.

She doesn’t sound bad to me. The hovering is a bit annoying and I would say something about that but overall she sounds like she’s a caring and loving mum/grandma.

Don’t let MN turn you against her OP.

I would trust yourself OP. I think it's a bit OTT and she is putting herself first and overriding normal boundaries. If it was one thing, that's fine, but you mention lots of rather overbearing behaviours.

Surprised actually that everyone is telling you how benign it all is. I'm sure she acts out of love but it's slightly possessive and you are doing the right thing to be clear on boundaries.

Sounds like your DH is on your side which is excellent.

I'm guessing not everyone is RTFT here

It is normal, although not necessarily healthy behaviour

Regardless of what MIL wants, "just" set clear boundaries of what you and your DH are comfortable with. Find out what you want and need in order to be comfortable and then take it from there. Your child's needs come first, followed by yours and DH's needs and wants - MIL come very very far after that. She'll continue to put them first though, if you don't tell her off.

For example, MIL has really no reason to wonder of to a different room - what is she going to say or do that she cannot say or do around you?! She is welcome to "bond" alone when the child can speak and is mobile enough to get back to you if they want. However, if you are comfortable with it and would like a quiet moment, I'd let her get away with her "grandma knows best"-attitude (which she clearly has) and would enjoy sipping my tea with free hands. If you are not feeling 100% okay with her taking your child to a different room, tell her and set a clear boundary.

You get to decide what kind of mother you want to be, not your MIL. That can, however, include making the best of your MIL's normal but unhealthy boundary stomping.

I honestly swing between 'i'm bring completely unreasonable' to 'i need to be more assertive' multiple time a week.

Sounds fairly possessive, I'd call her out on it. Remind her that the baby is not a toy and you are the mother and can have a hold when your ready.
My FIL is like this, it drives me mad.

And at only 3 months old, you are absolutely within your rights to tell anyone and everyone to back off!

Your baby, your boundaries. I'm a grandmother and although I would have loved to hold the baby all the time when visiting, I remembered what it's like to have a small baby and just took a turn. I wouldn't have gone into another room with him - I might have done that if I'd been expecting to provide childcare in the next few months, to get him used to being with me.

I did make a lot of slips of the tounge around my/our, mum/gran etc. That was just a combination of excitement and senior moments.

My daughters MIL is very much like this. It mildly annoys me ( ok it really pisses me off) when I visit and and she's there too ( birthdays Christmas etc) as I often don't get the chance for a cuddle with the little ones . My DH says I should be more assertive and go take them off her ! He's done it a couple of times in the 10 mins before we have to leave, saying 'I think your other granny wants a cuddle too' as he's done it. But she never gives them up easily . Don't know what the answer is, some women, ( maybe those with sons??) get a bit OTT with their grandchildren. As a result though I can't say I feel overly friendly towards her. ( my other daughters MIL,by stark contrast, is brilliant and we even go out socially, but they don't have children yet)

'Don’t let MN turn you against her OP.'

There is a middle ground between letting her have her own way all the time and casting her out.

I don't see anyone here advising OP to scream abuse in MIL's face and never see her again.

OP just needs to know she has the right to set boundaries, which MiL should respect. All good relationships have boundaries.

I'm not sure why posters such as @pictish find the concept of a MIL being politely asked to respect some sensible boundaries so offensive and inflammatory.

We respect other people's boundaries all day long without even thinking about it. Some people due to personality or the situation (excited new grandparent) need things spelt out for them that other people would just understand from reading the room.

I would never dream of hovering over a new mother who was breastfeeding, or walking off with a newborn without checking the mum wanted the break, or ordering a tradesman for someone else's home, or letting myself in with a key and taking something that didn't belong to me. Most people would know not to do these things. Even if we take the kindest most generous interpretation of this MIL's behaviour to date- we have to conclude she is a bit oblivious to boundaries. But she should have the opportunity to show she can respect them. But this will only happen if OP spells them out.

OP spelling out her boundaries is the best way to protect this relationship.

OP, the instinct that tells you to stay close to your baby is correct. Be much more firm with your in-law. If she hovers while you feed tell her to sit down elsewhere so that you can feel relaxed. Ignore people who tell you ‘it’s love’. Whatever it is, it is harmful to you and your baby. The baby is part of you. You don’t have to share.

Your dh? What about him? Has to realise he has his own little family now. Time to cut the apron strings.
Etc

Where has anyone once mentioned the cutting of apron strings on this thread? Or OP's husband needing to realise he has his own little family? Nowhere, because it's quite clear he has his wife's back and already asserts himself with his mother.

As for willing babysitters being worth their weight in gold, only if they respect the parents boundaries.

@newmum0519 listen to your instincts. From everything you've written here your MiL seems to lack any respect for you and your husband as adults. She treats you like children. Start taking back a little control, do it gently but firmly and set the boundaries that you (and your husband) want.

Yes MiL is learning to be a grandmother but where does FiL get chance to learn to be a grandfather if baby is constantly being whipped out of his arms the moment he gets to hold her? Why isn't that relationship as important? OP next time she does this, take baby from her and hand her back to your FiL. He deserves time with his granddaughter too.

At this stage of her life the only person your baby really wants is you, you're her comfort and her food supply. Bonding with the rest of the family occurs in time, it's not vital it happens now or the relationship is forever doomed.

My DM can be like this with babies and none of us have ever said ‘no’ to her ‘because it was just out of love’ so we tolerated the grabbing of the baby etc

Well she has ruined her own relationship with 3 of her 4 DGC by being so overbearing annoying and none of them want to cuddle her at all anymore

For her own good and that of your child it’s ok to teach some boundaries. I wish I had

Bellybutton: You don't let anyone hold your baby at 4 weeks old? Your making a rod for your own back believe me. Not to mention its odd.

No, she isn’t. The opposite in fact. The more you respond to your infant’s needs the more secure they are. Times have changed, and thankfully ideas have moved on...

Reading this has helped me as although I don’t have GC yet. I would hate my DILs or DD to feel like this about me so have made a mental note and will try to avoid doing this. I was quite possessive over my own DC when they were small. I will also try and remember those feelings when they start having Children.

666onmyhead - we haven't all been in the same room at the same time so I haven't had to deal with this yet but I am concerned that my MIL would 'hog' my DD and not let my parents have any time with her. I think my DH would ensure this didn't happen though. It is easier for him to address this stuff with her. He kind of makes a bit of a joke out of it and MIL takes it in good humour. It think if I tried making the same kind of joke she would laugh at the time and then call my husband later on to find out what I meant by 'that comment'.