MIL odd behaviour - AIBU?

[newmum0519]

I am not sure if I'm worried about nothing but my MIL does some odd things and often, when we visit, I come away feeling quite uneasy.

For context, this is our first child and her first grandchild. Our daughter is now 3 months old. My in-laws live about 10 minutes away and we see them at least once a week.

The things she does that concerns me...

1. She refers to my daughter as 'our' daughter when she talks about her to other people. She even corrected my husband once when he said "my daughter" and said "our daughter". It was kind of jokingly said so my husband didn't address it but it made me uneasy.

1. She wants to hold her all the time (and I mean the entire time we are there.) She hovers over me while I am breastfeeding so that she can whisk her out of my arms as soon as I finish feeding (which is uncomfortable for a couple of reasons.) She is reluctant to let anyone else hold her and makes excuses as to why she should stay with her ("don't disturb her whilst she's sleeping".) When my husband has her, she badgers him to let her hold her. My husband is very direct and tells her to back off but she says things like "this is my only time with her" and "you get her all the time".

1. She often takes her off into another room when she is holding her. She's doesn't close the door or anything but she basically goes off on her own. I really don't like this but I don't know if I'm being unreasonable so I haven't said anything. Would it be unreasonable to ask her not to do this?

Am I being unreasonable? Is this normal? Any advice on what I can do or say to stop her doing this stuff without upsetting her would be greatly appreciated.

One of those baby wraps you tie on - basically just a 5m length of jersey fabric - holds baby close and can't be unclipped from behind. They leave your hands free for fending off intrusive approaches, and you'd only need to twitch a shoulder away. She'd basically have to knock you out before she could extricate baby from that, plus they tend to sleep beautifully when carried thus. Look at Moby, for instance.

Just a thought. I'd be wearing baby whenever she was around!

Glad to hear it OP. Just remember that you are NOT being unreasonable to assert your boundaries, no matter how much fear, obligation or guilt she tries to instill in you. I hate to say it but as your little one grows older, it will become even more important to protect them from her boundary-crossing ways.

@newmum0519 @justilou1 @violetbunny s

Thanks also from me for this recommendation. It sounds really relevant - wish I'd had it ten years ago!

There's a thing about them being derogatory about your appearance... MIL always says I look so tired. "Did you not sleep last night?" or "you look shattered".

This is so interesting (and somewhat upsetting) because my MIL also does this. I am much thinner than her, but she is obsessed with weight. She would always comment on my weight, one way or another, when I was pregnant/had just had the babies. She also makes a lot of digs about my hair, which can be wild and frizzy and unmanageable (but is also thick and curly and she is jealous of this).

Some of her memorable lines include:

"You'll never get into any of those dresses again" (when I was trying to find something to put on, on our first night out as a couple since our 2nd child was born - this comment actually kicked my eating disorder off big time again and my weight plummeted)

"You're looking well"... 5 minutes later ... "Whenever anyone says you're looking well, they mean you've put on weight, don't they?"

"Have you ever thought about using conditioner on your hair?"

(At a wedding when I'd used hair straighteners)
"Gosh, your hair! It's about half the volume it is normally."

She also likes to say how lovely my daughter's hair is, and how it's nothing like mine. For reference, total strangers in the street/on holiday have commented in amazement on how my daughter is pretty much my duplicate. Especially our hair...

Why do they do it, these MILs? It's so nasty and shitty. And it backfires in the end. We saw quite a lot of them when our kids were tiny. But now the dust has settled a bit, I've just had enough of the shit, and we see them as little as possible. I can't remember the last time we visited them. It's just miserable and I've had enough of it. If she'd been nice to me, and to us as a family, we'd visit far more often now. So it's not like she got what she wanted in the end.

You have to completely stop being afraid of upsetting her, DH & FIL. Just say what you want and mean it. Don’t cry, don’t back down. Just say it, do it & get on with it. If they don’t like it, too bad.

@Rubicon80 my MIL also has issues with weight and projects onto me. She will make comments like 'you have a healthy appetite' basically implying I eat a lot. But then she pretty much force feeds me, my DH and my FIL. She always makes double the amount of food needed and insists we finish it whilst eating almost nothing herself. I kid you not, one time she made a massive roast and ate only 5 peas! No exaggeration.
She often gives out these calorific desserts and then doesn't eat one herself.

I was brought up to finish what was on my plate and that it was rude to not eat something someone had made for you but then I have always battled with body image issues and used to have bulimia so these things are quite tricky for me to navigate.

FIL is very overweight, has had 4 heart attacks and a quadruple bypass. DH is very weight conscious because FIL has basically told him he is doomed to the same fate even though FIL was very overweight for years before his first heart attack. But when DH loses any weight MIL says he is too thin and looks guant which he definitely doesn't.

@Rubicon80 my MIL also has issues with weight and projects onto me. She will make comments like 'you have a healthy appetite' basically implying I eat a lot. But then she pretty much force feeds me, my DH and my FIL. She always makes double the amount of food needed and insists we finish it whilst eating almost nothing herself. I kid you not, one time she made a massive roast and ate only 5 peas! No exaggeration.
She often gives out these calorific desserts and then doesn't eat one herself.

I was brought up to finish what was on my plate and that it was rude to not eat something someone had made for you but then I have always battled with body image issues and used to have bulimia so these things are quite tricky for me to navigate.

FIL is very overweight, has had 4 heart attacks and a quadruple bypass. DH is very weight conscious because FIL has basically told him he is doomed to the same fate even though FIL was very overweight for years before his first heart attack. But when DH loses any weight MIL says he is too thin and looks guant which he definitely doesn't.

Sorry phoned crashed and that posted twice!

You definitely need to assert boundaries op.
I'm so confused by pp's saying it's just love and you should be grateful! Wtf!
The op has already said that she does want the mil to have a good relationship with her granddaughter but that is not going to happen if the mil carries on like this.

She is not being loving she is being selfish and needs to be told as much.
The baby does not need her in anyway at this point, so any contact she does get with the baby is for her benefit and her benefit alone.

I've always gone with the idea that you take the lead from the mother (and father) when visiting or having contact with a baby. The mother lets you know when (if at all) you can hold baby and calls the shots when it comes to her child. That 100% applies to grandparents as much as any other visitors.

I don't think Mumsnet is unreasonable about mil's at all. I have only ever read a few posts at most when I think the mil is not being unreasonable. Usually it's clear the mil, fil, sil, bil etc has completely stepped over the mark and is behaving appallingly. That's why there is a post, there are equal amounts of posts about parents, friends, neighbours etc so it's not just in laws.

Most in laws and families are fine, therefore no post needed and so are therefore not represented on mumsnet. Because it would be a none post!

@KetoWithIF thank you but I think you've confused me with the OP! My mil doesn't use me as a dustbin as I wouldn't touch her food. And she eats twice what I do

@newmum0519 - sounds like your MIL wants to murder everyone!