MIL odd behaviour - AIBU?

[newmum0519]

I am not sure if I'm worried about nothing but my MIL does some odd things and often, when we visit, I come away feeling quite uneasy.

For context, this is our first child and her first grandchild. Our daughter is now 3 months old. My in-laws live about 10 minutes away and we see them at least once a week.

The things she does that concerns me...

1. She refers to my daughter as 'our' daughter when she talks about her to other people. She even corrected my husband once when he said "my daughter" and said "our daughter". It was kind of jokingly said so my husband didn't address it but it made me uneasy.

1. She wants to hold her all the time (and I mean the entire time we are there.) She hovers over me while I am breastfeeding so that she can whisk her out of my arms as soon as I finish feeding (which is uncomfortable for a couple of reasons.) She is reluctant to let anyone else hold her and makes excuses as to why she should stay with her ("don't disturb her whilst she's sleeping".) When my husband has her, she badgers him to let her hold her. My husband is very direct and tells her to back off but she says things like "this is my only time with her" and "you get her all the time".

1. She often takes her off into another room when she is holding her. She's doesn't close the door or anything but she basically goes off on her own. I really don't like this but I don't know if I'm being unreasonable so I haven't said anything. Would it be unreasonable to ask her not to do this?

Am I being unreasonable? Is this normal? Any advice on what I can do or say to stop her doing this stuff without upsetting her would be greatly appreciated.

tryingtobebetterallthetime - thanks. I didn't think about it from that perspective. I guess I'm probably guilty of thinking that she thinks she would be better than me at soothing my DD and that's why she takes her and not because she wants us to relax but that's me projecting my own insecurities as a first time mum onto her.

I do wish she would let others spend a bit more time with my DD though. When we give her to my FIL she gives him less than a minute before saying 'my turn'. We were at a family wedding recently and everytime I gave my DD to someone for a cuddle I would turn around to find her back with my MIL. When my husband's aunt visited I had to say three times that it was her turn for a cuddle and basically prise her away from her arms.

Funny thing boundaries. DH and I have always had access to DS and DIL's home, which is very close. We have fed fish, walked doggie, met repair people etc etc etc. We are not the slightest bit interested in snooping or anything else like that. Their business is not ours unless they make it so.

Once a few years ago we went in to feed the fish when they were away. The place reeked. Their fridge had died. The whole place stank. We spent hours cleaning out the fridge and freezer. My DH arranged a repair person. The fridge was fixed and stocked with the basics when they came home.

We would not have ever considered not doing that. Don't ever bite off your nose to spite your face.

I felt quite inadequate last week because I did not put some staples like milk and bread in their fridge when they had been overseas for 3 weeks!

WishingILivedOnAnIsland - thanks. I guess because of all the other stuff I didn't know if I'm already primed to automatically assume this is more of the same overstepping behaviour and not just normal a MIL thing. I don't want to think the worst of her but I guess I do (and usually I am right.)

I'm sorry you have in-laws issues too. I have many stories of both MIL and FIL overstepping and I thought they weren't really relevant to this but I can see now that that's why I am questioning her inte NH toons now.

It is really handy to have things ready to say so thanks again.

inte NH toons 🙄 *intentions

Cross posted. I agree you have to find your own comfort zone. I might be the perfect mother-in-law (ha ha time out not so etc), but only you know your own situation. My best thought is approach all of this with a focus on your precious baby. Even if MIL apparently feels she has the holy grail of parenting at her fingertips, you are Mum. Gracefully acknowledge advice and then do what you want know is best.

This debate is so human nature it will never go away.

Loads of great advice here.

To help address the "our baby" issue, try gently replying "no, that's your baby" "and this is my baby"

Repeat every single time

My m'n'law was like this also - drove me nuts but she soon tired of it when my son got bigger. Sit down and write a list of the things which bother you the most ie maybe the breastfeeding - and think of your boundaries and what you can say to her (when it is happening) to be clear on your boundaries ie in a loud voice when she reaches to take the baby after breastfeeding. "I am almost done but not yet - call me old fashioned but I feel uncomfortable with people taking the baby from my breast - but I will pass him on to you when I am done." And just keep repeating until she gets it - but pick your battles initially and when you have succeeded in these work on the smaller stuff.

tryingtobebetterallthetime - the boundaries thing is hard. A lot of the time they just want to help but they go about it in the wrong way.

For instance, we wanted to get our shower replaced and just mentioned it to them in passing. The next time we saw them my MIL asked me what our postcode was. I asked her why she needed it (she knew where we lived) and she said they had booked the guy who had fitted their shower to come and give us a quote. I asked her when and she said the following day. Me and my DH said we couldn't do that because we were both working and she said that my FIL had intended to be there to let him in and get the quote. My DH said that we didn't want that and she shouldn't have booked him without checking but she didn't understand why we were unhappy. It was the only day that he could do and my FIL was happy to let him in so what was the problem. It was a nice thought in principle but just done in the weirdest, most awkward way. She literally just said 'what's your postcode?' if I hadn't have asked her why she want to know I'm not sure what would have happened.

Start saying no to her more often
She seems inclined to ignore any boundaries you put in place so you're going to need to be more assertive

@newmum0519
Your MIL is clearly besotted and that's lovely. It's feeling overbearing at the moment but everything you have said is sounding like overwhelming love, not malice.

To me, you don't see her very much, given that they're only 10 minutes away. So, just a suggestion, why not see her more? If she sees more of you and your daughter she'll probably calm the fuck down

Start small. Call her and invite her over for a cup of tea. When she comes in "excuse the mess, you know how hard life is with a baby" (she may want to help)
Sit her on the sofa with the baby. Make her a drink and let her sit and cuddle.

How do you get rid?

When baby next wants a feed, thank MIL for coming, say you had a challenging night so after DD feeds to sleep you're both going for a nap but "we must do this again soon"

Be yourself. Involve her. She sounds lovely to me.

Food in the fridge is the most beautifully caring thing to do.
Dropping in a present? I would have no issue with.

My MIL and my mum both have the keys and codes for our home and an open invitation. Mum utilises gets more but I remind MIL regularly about her open invite.

"Would you mind cuddling/playing with/ changing her whilst I put a load on and make us both a cuppa please?"

SpaceDinosaur - thanks. I will say that the next time she makes that comment. It's a nice gentle way to 'correct' her.

Our "kids" seem happy to have my DH do things for them like arrange tradespeople etc. This is long standing. If you don't feel right or comfortable, that is up to you. I don't know exactly why it works for us, but it does. My DH is retired but very active and interested in things. He likes "projects." As far as I can tell this is quite useful to our kids. They will ask him to help. He likes nothing more than a new assignment.

DH is also big time taxi service, which bugs me but DH loves as it is bonding time with the grandchildren.

DGS had a problem with his computer and DH picked it up when they were away and had it fixed.

But again, if multi generational stuff like this isn't comfortable, it is up to you.

Hiring tradesmen for you is weird. She is treating you like children she has to look after, not adults.

But more importantly, I suggest you let go of what is 'reasonable' according to other people. It's all very well posters on here describing what lovely GPS and MILs they are, but it doesn't mean your MIL is as well. They obviously have a better relationship and have built up more trust with their DIL than your MIL has.

Pay more attention to what is comfortable for you. That's way more relevant and important. You get to set the terms here, and if she is as well meaning as she claims to be then she will adapt to you.

PPs advice was right, she is learning to be a grandparent. But you have to play a role in teaching her how to be a grandparent to a child of yours. If you want a boundary- make one. If you're uncomfortable with something, say so. Give her a chance to learn what's OK by you. If she's a bit oblivious and pushy- you'll need to be more direct and firm.

The earlier you do this the better. If you let her do whatever she wants for the first few months and then try to pull it back and set boundaries later- it won't matter how reasonable those boundaries are- to her it will feel like she is being deprived of a liberty she was previously entitled to. She will react and it will be way more difficult than if you were firm but fair from the beginning.

I would encourage this strong bond with MIL. I remember being quite possessive with my first born but after a while you learn to relax. In the future you'll appreciate MIL helping with babysitting so that you can have a date night with DH/get some shopping done/SLEEP.

ittakes2 - Thanks, I'll try that. I think the breastfeeding hovering bothers me because I end up feeling like a milk machine. Its nice just to spend a bit if time just holding her after she has fed when she in her little milk coma.

OP, you can say that if you want to. When she finishes breastfeeding and MIL starts reaching for her say 'Thanks MIL just I really like to cuddle her after her feeds. I'll let you know when I'm ready to pass her around'

If she says 'oh but you get her all the time!'

You say 'yes, I'm her mum.'

It takes a village....

@orangeblosssom MILs can be welcome in 'the village', they just can't be the Mayor.

That's the learning curve here.

To be clear, I am not describing what a lovely MIL I am. To be honest, reading on Mumsnet has made me think there is no such thing as a lovely MIL.

I am sure if you asked either of my DILs they can tell you many annoying things I have said or done.

What I have tried to convey is my absolute lack of malice towards them. I do not for one second think I know better, but if I can suggest something why would I not?

Perhaps I should ask. New Mums, please describe the perfect MIL.

At this age, babies just want their mums. Not even the dads get a look in particularly, and certainly not extended families. There are years and years for them to be more involved.

I'd definitely go into another room to breastfeed. Let MIL hold and cuddle the baby by all means, but baby will want her mum after a short time.

WishingILivedOnAnIsland - thanks. I think you're right. As much as it would be nice to have a relationship with my in-laws like the one SpaceDinosaur discribes, I really don't. And I've been with my DH for over 16 years now so I don't think it will happen for us. My worry is exactly that - if I give into things now she will push harder later. I will talk to my DH about boundaries.

SpaceDinosaur - thank you too. I feel like seeing them a couple of times a week is a lot. But I guess that's because my parents live further away and we only see them every couple of months. Plus I've always been a bit more independent. My sisters live closer to my folks and are round there all the time. They are constantly bickering and I think it's because they see too much of eachother. I knew from a very young age that I wanted to move away. Not because I don't love my parents - I do, I just feel it's healthier for us not to spend too much time together but we are a big family and my mum and dad have plenty of my other siblings to keep them busy!

I'm in two minds about having her over for tea. I have done this in the past (met her for lunch etc...) And whilst it's fine, I never really enjoy myself. We are very different people (religious beliefs, political views etc...) and I find myself having to try to find the common ground on issues just to keep it civil.

I know every one says grandparents are a godsend for new parents and will come in useful when we need some sleep etc... But I can never 100% relax with her and would honestly rather tackle things myself (again, stubborn independent here!)

I have met up with her a couple of times solo since having my DD but it is honestly out of obligation and not because I enjoy it. Do you think it's unreasonable to only want to see them with my DH present?

@WishingILivedOnAnIsland thank you for talking sense!! Some of the responses on this thread are unreal.

Op, these things bother you for a good reason good for you listening to your instincts. Other posters talking about how much your MIL loves your DD are ignoring the fact that MIL is putting her needs before anyone else's including your DD.

Your dd is newborn and only actually needs her DM and DF, you get to set every boundary you want. If you don't like something MIL does tell her to stop. If she doesn't listen then she doesn't get to spend time with your DD.

Hopefully she'll listen and become a helpful MIL rather than a selfish DGM.

I never ever minded either My mum or MIl taking my babies, especially the first. He was a non sleeper and I was exhausted for months and months. I used to go up to MILs house because I knew she would take the baby and I got a rare half an hour to read the paper in peace.

I don’t get all the MN hate for MILs and their babies. Surely it’s just family, helping and love.

You're not obliged to see anyone you don't want to and definitely not to allow anyone to do as you've described with your baby. MIL sounds batshit, not loving, controlling and possessive!

It's not 1952, you don't have to do any of this.

Wonderful for you @MaybeitsMaybelline.

Perhaps you're a saint. Though I think it's more likely that your MIL and DM respected your boundaries in the rest of your life so you felt comfortable around them and trusted them with your DC. Not everyone has that, rather than trying to guilt trip those who don't perhaps try to be understanding that you've likely been lucky.