MIL odd behaviour - AIBU?

[newmum0519]

I am not sure if I'm worried about nothing but my MIL does some odd things and often, when we visit, I come away feeling quite uneasy.

For context, this is our first child and her first grandchild. Our daughter is now 3 months old. My in-laws live about 10 minutes away and we see them at least once a week.

The things she does that concerns me...

1. She refers to my daughter as 'our' daughter when she talks about her to other people. She even corrected my husband once when he said "my daughter" and said "our daughter". It was kind of jokingly said so my husband didn't address it but it made me uneasy.

1. She wants to hold her all the time (and I mean the entire time we are there.) She hovers over me while I am breastfeeding so that she can whisk her out of my arms as soon as I finish feeding (which is uncomfortable for a couple of reasons.) She is reluctant to let anyone else hold her and makes excuses as to why she should stay with her ("don't disturb her whilst she's sleeping".) When my husband has her, she badgers him to let her hold her. My husband is very direct and tells her to back off but she says things like "this is my only time with her" and "you get her all the time".

1. She often takes her off into another room when she is holding her. She's doesn't close the door or anything but she basically goes off on her own. I really don't like this but I don't know if I'm being unreasonable so I haven't said anything. Would it be unreasonable to ask her not to do this?

Am I being unreasonable? Is this normal? Any advice on what I can do or say to stop her doing this stuff without upsetting her would be greatly appreciated.

Rubicon80 - all sounds very familiar. How does your daughter feel about her? If you don't mind me asking.

MIL used to be a bit like this with DH. Tbh she still is a bit.

We had been together for over a decade when DH proposed to me and I meet his family shortly after we started dating so they knew that it was on the cards at some point. Yet when he decided to surprise me with a trip to Italy and propose, she was not happy about it. Neither was my FIL. I had just said yes and after a brief chat about how/when/where we wanted to get married we decided to share the good news with our families. (Quick side note - even though we had been together for ages and talked about marriage, I was still totally surprised when he proposed - it goes to show how lucky I'm am that I would take my DH surprising me with a trip to Italy as just the kind of thing he would do and not just jump straight to 'proposal'.)

Anyway, he called his parents first. And they didn't react how you'd expect. I then called me parents and sisters and got the excited congratulations response that you'd expect. My DH apparently got stunned silence and then a very lackluster congratulations. I could see on his face it didn't go well and when he got off the phone he explained that they were annoyed that he had involved them in planning the proposal. We brushed it off as much as we could and got on with enjoying Italy. The next morning I awoke to find him on the phone to his mother again, trying to justify himself to her. She couldn't even wait until we got back the next day.

They didn't object to him marrying me or anything. They were just genuinely upset that he hadn't told them about it before. He still says he is very happy about the way he proposed and wouldn't change a thing (apart from maybe tell them when we got home!)

His brother by comparison, got engaged a few years after us and told his parents everything. Showed them the ring, discussed how and when he should do it and of course they had plenty of opinions. I kept saying do what you think your GF would like!

Zakana - I know what that's like. I let all this treating him like a baby stuff wash over me now but it used to really big me. She insists on buying him an advent calendar, again some mums will say 'whats wrong with that' and I guess nothing but it is weird when your partner is infantilised like that.

She still cuts up a separate plate of cucumber and carrot for her 2 sons at big family dinners (because when they were kids they wouldn't eat salad and those where the two things they'd eat). They are both in the 30s and they have younger cousins at the dinner table who literally are toddlers and are treated more adult.

Again some people might say where's the harm and that I guess why I just ignore it now. I just hope when my DD is grown I allow her to be an adult. If she isn't embarrassed by her being treated like a child her partner probably will be.

Motoko - thanks. Yes my concerns about childcare are precisely that. Would she listen if I said she has an allergy to something? She often thinks a lot of these things are made up 🙄 and loves to feed people, so if I said DD couldn't eat something she loves to cook, I'm not sure she wouldn't give her it when I'm not there. She even questions me when I say our dog shouldn't eat certain things. I'm trying to feed our dog is as healthy possible and they constantly buy her those fatty cheap treats that should be rare luxuries (if eaten at all). Luckily she is a dog who likes any food so is just as happy when I give her carrot or something. I have asked them not to buy them and they say it's alright just this once though and do it again the next time we are there. I have decided to start taking some healthier treats round there with me for them to give to her. Hopefully they won't just give her both.

Having someone hovering over you while BF is really off-putting and rude. You need to be relaxed and well-rested. Visiting family need to prioritise what jobs they can do to help, not be prising the baby from your arms. Could you line up some washing up, laundry folding or sweeping jobs ready?

Or even better, as BF makes you feel so thirsty (or it did me, anyway!) when she's hovering or reaching near or at the end of the feed, you could say "Ooh, could you pop the kettle on, please? And then if you could hold baby while I drink my tea, that would be perfect." Then when your tea is finished you can take baby back.

Have you ever actually tried moving in and taking baby back out of her arms? This would be my test. If she resists, even momentarily, or protests or turn away, there's a definite problem with her attitude.

Thank you to everyone for all your comments it has really helped reading everyone's thoughts. I still feel she is a bit intense but I understand why she might acting that way.

I am going to be more assertive with her and clamp down on the whole 'our baby thing' but I'll try to reassure her that I do want to play a a big role in my DD's life.

NearlyGranny - I did try taking her off her once when I knew she wanted feeding and MIL definitely resisted. I didn't just tell her to give to me as I didn't want to make it into a 'thing' but I was annoyed with myself afterwards.

I'm a bit at all the posts in here saying it's fine, you'll be a grandmother someday, etc.

Op, a lot of this would drive me mad. Your baby is so tiny it's 100% ok to feel uncomfortable when they're taken away out of sight to somewhere without asking, or be put out if hovering while breastfeeding etc... None of this is ok if you're not comfortable with it. I just wanted to add my voice to say that because some of the advice here is batshit. Basically akin to "put up with being treated like shit, made to feel like you aren't fully in control of your tiny baby's parenting and poor boundaries... Because you'll get to do the same to your future daughter in law too." Lulz, that is MAD!

I didn't just tell her to give to me as I didn't want to make it into a 'thing'

Op, you need to stick up for your and DH being the parents here. It sounds like your DH does it just fine. But if it's a thing, who cares? Grandmother's desire to have a bond should not come at the cost of the mother/child bond at 4 weeks ffs.
You grew this baby for nine months, birthed it, it knows your voice as a safe one, it smells when you're near, it has its primary bond with you and DH. If mil doesn't like that, who cares? It's biology! She had her time with her own kids.

4 months not weeks

'Our' (insert name) can be regional. Most people where I currently live say it when referring to family members.

It’s because of threads like these that I was absolutely astounded when my stepson’s wife handed me her week old baby before I’d even taken my coat off!

And I’ve never heard of anyone being pissed off because someone kindly left food in their fridge to help them out when they returned from hospital.

Sorry, but pick your battles. Some of this is a bit off but most of it’s completely normal.

When my sister's first grandchild was born she went bananas over him. Overwhelming love, wanted to be with him constantly, to the onlookers it seems madly obsessive. Obviously she calmed down, but said later that she felt like she 'had lost her mind, she was so hopelessly in love'. Her DIL was quite laid back about it and we all talk about those days, now that the baby is a strapping 21-year-old.

Separation anxiety is also easily caused by people holding a child who doesn’t want to be held and not passing them back to the person they do want to hold them. My DD2 was like this. I was pretty happy to play pass the reflux grizzle baby but in all honesty it really was me she wanted. It did no one any good for DGM (my own mother) to get her kicks out of holding her for as long as possible to try to force a bond when baby is wriggling and uncomfortable, yanking knees up to chest and really not wanting DGM in their face cooing ‘OH DARLING YOUR POOR LITTLE BUBBA’

My DM also likes to make comments like ‘isn’t mummy mean’ when dsis or I are asserting any type of parenting authority 😐

I'm pretty sure if I hung on to my yet-unborn DGC when its mother was reaching for it to feed it (or for any other reason, really) my DS would be escorting me to the door and telling me not to come back until I could behave properly: and I would expect no less. She is boundary breaching all over your early days of motherhood. That's really sad for all concerned.

Would your DH tackle her at a calm moment when it's just the two of them and lay down the expectations clearly, or is it too much to ask, given that he's probably had his boundaries breached from birth?

I swear I will always wait to be asked, hand back when asked and make myself useful in practical ways!

@newmum0519 Rubicon80 - all sounds very familiar. How does your daughter feel about her? If you don't mind me asking.

Well, it's interesting - there was a bad time when my daughter was about 2 or 3 years old and was completely 'won over' by the unbelievable way my MIL would spoil her. Toddlers can't see past the sweets and toys and endless attention.

But now she's that much older, she can see through it, I think. My MIL still spoils her massively, but we just don't see them that often and so the relationship is limited.

I was quite under the thumb in some ways when the kids were tiny, but I have asserted myself more in recent years. For example we will never go there for Christmas again, having spent the first few Christmases of the kids' lives travelling to my in-laws.

@PookieDo

My DM also likes to make comments like ‘isn’t mummy mean’ when dsis or I are asserting any type of parenting authority

This resonates hugely with my experience with my MIL. She has always talked 'through' the kids to criticise us. She also undermines us in more subtle ways, like giving the kids a huge milkshake to drink just before a long car journey (knowing they get car sick), giving them sweets with breakfast, etc.

She used to hover over me when I was trying to establish breastfeeding with my daughter, making 'helpful' comments, and on one memorable occasion (within the first week of my daughter's birth) she actually took her out of my arms when I was trying to get her to latch on, and started 'burping' her.

When I took the baby back, I heard her describing me to my DH as 'a control freak'.

The sad thing is that my MIL isn't that bad as a person - we aren't polar opposites, I find her OK as a human being and a fellow adult. But as a MIL/DIL it's a fucking nightmare.

My MIL is very very similar to yours OP. From the minute she found out I was having a baby I stopped being a human being and became an incubator. When she found out that I was having a girl.....that's where it all went wrong.

The first time she saw my DD she woke her from a nap and then refused to give her back because she was the only one with experience of settling babies. The nurse gave her a bollocking and handed me DD back. MIL then took offence.

The next time she came round she brought bottles, formula and a steriliser because she 'knew' breastfeeding wasn't going very well. She then tried to make up a bottle for DD but DH asked her to leave. Again she took offence.

Both of these events happened within five days of my DDs life. I am sad to say that she has got worse and despite me limiting access to DD and being firm in my boundaries, I don't see it improving. Despite me talking to her, despite DH talking to her and other family members saying to back off to her she genuinely does not think she has done anything wrong, is only being supportive and wants to have a relationship with DD. I have no advice but I get it!

My MIL was like OP's MIL.

It all came to a head when she tried to tell me and DH how to raise our child and insinuated we were being cruel despite what she was repeatedly suggesting was against NHS guidelines.

OP, whilst some of this may be innocent I would definitely be putting boundaries in place now before things get really bad like the did for me. Dont make the same mistake I did.

Oh and I also took away my MIL's key after she admitted letting her friends in when we weren't there so they could have a guided tour?! What the actual?!

I had this with my mum and my first boy, pretty much the exact same thing. And also chipping in telling me I was doing things wrong and laying him on his front etc to sleep when I specifically said back always, just anything to override whatever I was saying. I don't find this behaviour normal personally, there is love and there is trying to take over your role. But, my situation is a bit different because my mum is a narcasstic and a control freak, I ended up cutting her off for everyones sanity she would also turn up uninvited pretty much all the time. I would try and set some boundaries if possible, although it's a hard one because it's your partners mum. Just do what you feel is comfortable after all YOU'RE the mum. Your child. Good luck x

Whilst I agree she is quite probably besotted by her new DGD. HOWEVER, that does not mean she can do whatever she wants and everyone just has to put up with it. Some of her behaviour is overstepping the line and I think she should be made aware of that.

OP, if you are uncomfortable with aspects of her behaviour around you and your DD, then I think it reasonable to say so and ask her to stop (nicely, in the first instance). You don’t have to put up with it because your MIL may mean well/not be aware of how you feel. If she really is a nice person and a loving grandmother, i’m Sure she would not want to be causing upset or making you feel uncomfortable and so would alter her behaviour once made aware that she was.

I'm pretty sure if I hung on to my yet-unborn DGC when its mother was reaching for it to feed it (or for any other reason, really) my DS would be escorting me to the door and telling me not to come back until I could behave properly: and I would expect no less. She is boundary breaching all over your early days of motherhood. That's really sad for all concerned.

Perfect advice, IMO. Your dh needs to prevent her from hanging over you while you’re bf, this would drive me nuts. If she tries to take the baby, just don’t let her, tell her no right before she reaches for her. This must be driving you crazy.

@WeirdAndScary how on earth did she get worse? Just in those two incidents, she was so far over the line!

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all.
Her behaviour is very strange indeed and the possessive streak she is showing would worry me .
She's feeling a sense of entitlement over your child which is annoying to your husband and of concern to you .
Can you possibly reduce the amount of visits you make or not spend as long with her ?

Your MIL sounds exactly like my mother when I had my first. I overheard her making announcements about her childcare that had not been discussed with my husband or I before she was even born! (They were NEVER going to happen!!!) She also referred to her as “MY baby” like your MIL does and did the hover and snatch thing. (Also phoning constantly, despite me telling her that I was told to take the phone off the hook to try and encourage breast milk, then drove up onto my LAWN to the front window and was banging on the glass like she was expecting me to be dead - because SHE wanted to see the baby and didn’t think the advice applied to her.) She ruined my baby’s first Christmas because the plans I had to work around to suit place to suit my husband’s divorced family pissed her off - cue massive tantrums, etc....
I have been keeping an eye on this from the beginning and I think you need to start establishing some very clear boundaries from now, including cutting back the visits to twice a week for a bit and then once, etc..... Gently disillusion everyone of the idea that they may be doing childcare, etc. The more they do for you, they more you will “owe” them. She is accustomed to ruling “HER” boys and is very manipulative. Frankly, I’d move.

If your fur is telling you it's not right, then it's not right. She's stamping all over your boundaries and interfering with you and your time (and others time) with your newborn. She might not get this time again, but you won't either. She's had her time bringing up dc, it's her time to be a gp now

Oh there are so many stories I could tell about my MIL and her behaviour.

She kicked off that my family were all seeing DD more then she was. This was when my Grandad was dying and I was visiting him to say goodbye. Then she demanded an overnight visit with DD because we stayed overnight before his funeral.

The most recent is when I was wearing a sleeping DD in a carrier on a family day out. She wanted to take DD on a ride. I said no and turned to talk to my nephew. She then tried to unclip the carrier and take DD. Luckily FIL saw her and stopped her otherwise DD would have probably been dropped to the floor.

I only see her with DH for family events. I just don't understand what has turned her so insane about DD.