MIL odd behaviour - AIBU?

[newmum0519]

I am not sure if I'm worried about nothing but my MIL does some odd things and often, when we visit, I come away feeling quite uneasy.

For context, this is our first child and her first grandchild. Our daughter is now 3 months old. My in-laws live about 10 minutes away and we see them at least once a week.

The things she does that concerns me...

1. She refers to my daughter as 'our' daughter when she talks about her to other people. She even corrected my husband once when he said "my daughter" and said "our daughter". It was kind of jokingly said so my husband didn't address it but it made me uneasy.

1. She wants to hold her all the time (and I mean the entire time we are there.) She hovers over me while I am breastfeeding so that she can whisk her out of my arms as soon as I finish feeding (which is uncomfortable for a couple of reasons.) She is reluctant to let anyone else hold her and makes excuses as to why she should stay with her ("don't disturb her whilst she's sleeping".) When my husband has her, she badgers him to let her hold her. My husband is very direct and tells her to back off but she says things like "this is my only time with her" and "you get her all the time".

1. She often takes her off into another room when she is holding her. She's doesn't close the door or anything but she basically goes off on her own. I really don't like this but I don't know if I'm being unreasonable so I haven't said anything. Would it be unreasonable to ask her not to do this?

Am I being unreasonable? Is this normal? Any advice on what I can do or say to stop her doing this stuff without upsetting her would be greatly appreciated.

I've come to blows with my MIL on a few occasions because of her being so overbearing with my partner and me... he is 10 years younger though (I'm 34 he's 24) she can play the victim and is very manipulative at times.

However!

My baby girl is her first grandchild, my partner will be her only son that'll give her and his dad grandchildren (his two brothers being severely disabled) and to be honest when I watch her with my daughter who's 12 weeks it melts my heart! She's completely besotted with her and I've been able to leave her with his mum for a few hours because I know she loves her as much as we do, she also respects me as a mum and listens to instruction if there is any! I couldn't leave her over night but that's more me rather than not trusting his parents!!

Don't get me wrong she's annoyed me a few times, especially in front of other family members showing off, saying how much she looks like every one from her side and not me etc but I tend to let it slide... pick my battles so to speak! I did have a fall out with her at the beginning and I think she was scared I'd not let her see her, which I wouldn't do, but she's behaved ever since we also get on better now than we ever have!

PookieDo - I'm afraid of this too. A lot of the time we do thing she doesn't like because it is actually better for her in the end.

She wanted us to invite one of her friends to our wedding even though 1. I had never met her, 2. she was a very dramatic alcoholic who always made a scene and 3. my MIL often avoided her phone calls herself. I have no idea why she wanted to invite her. Not that it matters, but we paid for our wedding ourselves and only wanted to invite actual friends and family. We compromised and invited her to the evening - thinking this would appease MIL but it didn't. She didn't come and MIL says it was because an evening only invite was a snub. The thing is if she had come the only people she would have known would have been my MIL and FIL (and he couldn't stand her) and so my MIL would have spent the whole of her son's wedding looking after a messy drunk who she barely likes.

I would feel the same way, but I agree it's about love.

I think the child will sort this out in time because when they are 2,3,4 etc then granny can't hold them all the time and they can say 'no' and demand and have tantrums and be very independent. They'll negotiate their own relationship with her (hopefully a really loving, supportive one that will give you a break when you need it).

Hi OP I think your saving grace is your husband. He is supportive to you and isn’t putting her first. It would all wind me up but considering they only live 10 mins away once a week ain’t bad.😁

MIL wont be here forever and she wants to show DD how much she loves her.
DD wont understand that yet but will feel her love and they will have a lovely bond.
Im speaking from experience I have Four wonderful Grandchildren. Although I didnt go as far as your MIL does.
Let her show how much she loves her.
Sadly my parents aren't here to meet their Great Grandchildren and oh boy they would be hands on.
Congratulations on the birth o DD

It all depends on self awareness
My DM will go around saying to anyone that her DGC ‘doesn’t like me anymore’ but also doesn’t seem to know why that is, to her it is a total enigma!

ffiffi8 - I think that might be the issue. I'm not sure she respects me as a mum so I worry whether she would respect and follow my wishes with my DD.

We have a dog and she often is often critical of how 'strict' we are with her even though she has never had a dog. We aren't strict, we just do dog training to stop her jumping up, begging for food etc... We are actually far too soft with her if anything.

If she's doesn't trust my judgement when it comes to something she knows little about (dog training) I doubt she will when it comes to how to bring up children.

She often makes comments about how well behaved our dog is compared to others but does attribute it to the fact that we trained her. ^^We just got lucky.

She has said to me and I quote "children suffer when their mums return to work". This is clearly BS and she knows I'm planning on returning to work. She waited until we were alone to drop that little bombshell on me. I was a bit stunned to be honest and mumbled something about happy mums make the best parents so women should do what makes them happy (if they are fortunate enough to have a choice.)

My DH would like my MIL to help out with child care when I do return to work but I'm not sure I trust her to listen to our wishes.

Sorry this is a whole other issue.

@newmum0519
I feel very similar to you I think.
I of course want my child to get to know his grandma, but that is irrelevant to whether I let her do everything she wants.
Her behaviour makes me uneasy (rather than simply being annoying).
You definitely need to assert yourself. You are the child's mother and have the right to be possessive and precious in the first few weeks. Let her hold the baby when you want to, not when she demands it. Half an hour in the same room as you is plenty surely. Any MiL who lets that put her off seeing the GC in the future is not worth bothering with IMO.

I think that @WishingILivedOnAnIsland and other pps have made some very good points.
Reading your post above, it does seem clear that your MIL doesn't think things through at all and doesn't seem to understand what works and what does'nt, just that its her way or the highway. That would suggest to me that she is not qualified to be the one setting the rules, even if it was her place.
Yes, you ideally you need a good relationship with inlaws. But the behaviour you are describing is'nt ideal either is it?
Some of us (myself included) have been conditioned to be as polite as possible to older relatives. That's not a bad thing but I do think it sometimes leads to politeness warring with boundaries.
I have found with overbearing relatives, there can be a kind of fear that if you say no to them - that's it.. you have offended and the relationship is damaged etc.. so you learn to tip toe around them and at the most make polite suggestions that you'd like things to be different, which they then ignore. Having made the suggestion, it seems almost too rude to follow through, so for a quiet life (demanded by everyone else) things continue as they have been. Her behaviour in the past has indicated this will be the result of "disobeying". The classic cold shoulder until you give in. I had the same difficulties with relatives grabbing at a new baby and carelessly passing them around as if they were a toy. It is selfish and infuriating. I remember my sister taking bright flash photos right in my two day old baby's eyes and when I asked her to stop, immediately taking a ton more before I was able to turn away. I was really shocked anyone would behave like that towards a newborn. All trust was gone.

Having a new baby changes the family dynamic and this is an ideal time to start setting your own boundaries.
Setting those boundaries doesn't mean you don't want her involved, just that it is your baby, you know what is best for him, and it has to be on your terms. I am particularly referring to the whole hovering and grabbing the baby the minute you finish feeding him. That's not acceptable and a clear, firm, calm no, is not offensive and if the person takes it that way then they clearly have issues.
You are so lucky to have the support of your husband on this and hopefully if you can navigate this period, by standing up to her you will have made it possible for the relationship to improve. Wishing you and your family all the best.

I also recall feeling upset and angry and leaving the room a few times when my dsis had her first baby because of my DM

I am very close to my dsis, much closer to one another than our DM.

My DM had held my 2 DC of course when small, and came to the hospital immediately to be the first visitor but I did not BF so it was easier to pass the babies around. My dsis did not want visitors in hospital and DM was already affronted by this choice dsis had made. Baby wasn’t ready for discharge straight away as she was quite jaundiced

I could instantly tell when I saw my dsis for the first time after giving birth (when she got home) that she felt uncomfortable at doing pass the PFB so I held back completely. I went and put some laundry on, helped clear up her kitchen etc, ran to the shops with BIL to help get some food in. DM sat holding the baby for at least an hour solid while she slept, even when dsis tried to get her back she would make excuses ‘she’s comfortable now, leave her be’ and ‘it’s my turn now I didn’t even see her for 2 days’ I could see dsis getting uncomfortable about it but not wanting to say anything. Dsis seemed emotional and was having some post natal hormonal wobbles, completely normal.

Towards the end of the visit dsis asked if I wanted to hold her baby, which of course I did but I in my own mind, I don’t want to see my dsis feel uncomfortable MORE than I want to hold the baby. I held her for about 2 minutes before DM started trying to tug her back out of my arms by sliding her hands under the babies head and commenting I wasn’t holding her correctly.

It isn’t just DGM that love their relatives babies, we all do. You should respect the parents, read people’s body language and emotions. You should care about your relatives wellbeing more than you care about how it makes you feel to hold a baby. I will never do that to my DD’s if they have children

OP, you need to grow a backbone and stand up to your MIL. As your child grows you may have to be somewhat confrontational with people, nursery, school etc.

As for helping out with childcare, is this because your DH wants to save money? Send your child to Childminder/Nursery and you can call the shots, as it were.

Mary1935 it's usually more like three times a week tbh. The more we see them the more the expect us to see them. And then when it has been a few days they make out like we are astranged.

I do feel lucky my DH has my back, as it were. He often jokes about wishing my parents were a little bit more unreasonable to even things out. I always say that they probably would be if we lived closer but in truth my parents are just a lot more relaxed.

OP has you know MN is very anti MILs. Please bear this in mind before taking everything you read to heart. There’s a lot of projection where MILs are concerned and posters stick to their own agenda and way of thinking when giving other women advice.

You can put boundaries in place without starting an on going internal feud that will eventually seep out, especially if you keep reading MIL threads on MN.

She’s over enthusiastic because she loves your baby. Yes this is your baby, MIL knows this, she’s not trying to take her if you. She’s figuring out where her place is in all of this, you can guide her to where you want her to be without causing resentment.

Hopefully she will cotton on where you’re coming from and adjust. But don’t let this become an obsession and eat away at you because imo it doesn’t warrant it.

She sounds possessive and controlling.

Hovering over you whilst you feed.....

Taking the baby from you/your DH....

Disappearing into another room to get alone time with the baby.......

My MIL was very enthusiatic and would try some of the above, I was just assertive with anything that really annoyed me.

You really need to tell her the following (rinse and repeat as she appears to have the hide of a rhino)

“I’m feeding the baby and I’d like to this in peace” (or simply walk into a different room and feed the baby there)

“I’m holding her now, I’m her mum”

@NoSauce

Mine is my actual birth mother, not my MIL

Stop the three times a week visits....that ridiculous!

Ignore the whinging, nothing you do will be good enough, as if you increased visits they’ll always want more.

Remember, that as baby gets older and when/if you return to work, then you’ll be too busy to visit all the time.

Nip this in the bud now.

Obviously mothers need space to breastfeed their baby and nobody should be hovering over them. But a new grandmother wanting to hold the baby while she’s visiting? Unless the baby is screaming for milk or the GM can’t calm it down then I don’t see the issue here.

Sorry, just seen your new post. She's undermining you by casting doubt on your abilities as a dog owner and a mother returning to work. It sounds ridiculous as I write it and it is ridiculous for her to do that.
The good thing is that you know this is ridiculous and you need to have faith in yourself. The fact that she waits until DH is not there to say these things means it is pre thought out on her part. Sometimes the best tactic is to ignore, ignore, ignore, but in this case I think you should calmly politely pick up on it with simple argument quashing statements such as "No that is not the case." or "I absolutely disagree" or maybe just bring it out into the open by asking "why would you find it helpful to make a comment like that?"

If she does do weekly childcare for you, these undermining will continue.
I hope you are able to counterbalance this by making extra time for positive, cheering and uplifting people when you can.

My DC is now 6 months old and I went through exactly the same thing with my MIL. She has form for being overbearing and overstepping boundaries to the point that my BIL’s confused DC sometimes call her “Mummy”, don’t listen to their DM and run to MIL first if they’re upset. I’ve tried to learn from my SIL’s mistakes by setting boundaries but it can be difficult to do this without feeling like I’m being rude or possessive.

TheWernethWife - you're right I do need to grow a backbone.

My DH was thinking about his mum for childcare purely because she would love to do it. I have very gently suggested that, like with money, it isn't good to be dependent on your parents for child care as it means they might start calling the shots. (And his parents definitely would) And i suggested nursery is better for our DD socialisation etc...

MIL has said I the past that she doesn't think kids should go to nurseries - again she doesn't think mums should return to work.

@NoSauce does have a point about putting boundaries in place without starting an ongoing feud. But I also think standing up to her when necessary, in a calm way, will probably help put things on a better track for the future

In your situation MIL being used for childcare would be a bad idea. You don’t have the boundaries you want and it would be what she wanted, not what you as parents want. It is the worst way to an even worse relationship IMO!

Have you thought of trying a sling for when you're breastfeeding there? Gives you more privacy (so her hanging over you won't make you feel so uncomfortable) and she really wouldn't be able to take your DD from you until you're ready. It won't solve the bigger issues but it might make that one easier to deal with.

@NoSauce

I don't see a lot of projecting but people listening to the OP who is going to have a better perspective on this person than strangers on the Internet.

New mums on here also seem to receive a lot of gaslighting when it comes to MILs, "she's just enthusiastic about the baby" "it takes a village" "babies have extended family doncha know?" "it's from a place of love"

Correcting your DH about calling the baby 'my baby' to 'our baby' er, no. That needs to be corrected right back. Every time.

Sorry, I get that grandparents, (aunts and uncles too) are excited about babies and that's lovely. But some of her behaviour is weird, to me. Not the first time on mumsnet I've seen this thing about taking the baby into another room, what's that about!

No way would I be involving her in child care when you return to work. I'd also mention her comment to you about going back to work, to your husband, in front of her.

Congrats on the new arrival btw.