To re-home our cat without telling my husband?

[FiveFarthings]

We have an elderly cat who unfortunately doesn’t have a great quality of life at the moment. I think we should re-home her but my husband is refusing.

For background, she is my husband’s cat (originally a rescue about ten years ago). When we met, he moved into my house and he rented his house to some friends. To avoid disturbing the cat, she stayed at his house and was looked after by our friends. She is about 14/15 years old and practically a house cat.

Five years later, we moved my cat and our young dog into my husband’s house. We also have just had a baby.

The elderly cat has not got on with the change at all and started living outside. We tried everything to get her back inside but nothing worked. The other cat/dog are friendly towards her but she hates them. My husband built her an outdoor kennel which she used initially but now won’t go inside it. She spends her time hiding under the cars in the drive, even when it’s pouring with rain.

It’s now been nearly a year. She needs daily medication for a skin condition which she won’t take and she keeps getting sores.

I really think it would be better for her to be re-homed somewhere where she will be properly looked after but my husband is refusing to even consider it. He feels like we would be ‘getting rid’ because she’s not convenient- it’s not about that, I would happily keep her as she’s a nice cat but it’s about what’s best for her. It’s getting to the point where his stubbornness is affecting her quality of life.

AIBU to think about getting her re-homed secretly but telling him she ran away?

I can't believe you're even contemplating telling such a wicked lie to your DH! And how come you abandoned the cat because you didn't want to 'disturb' it, but now the cat is old and really needs you, you are happy to put it through the massive upheaval of re-homing. How easy do you think it would be to re-home a nervous/traumatised cat with a skin condition anyway. Re-home your younger, (presumably) healthier cat, get a hideaway house and a hammock or something else that is high and non dog accessible, bring the poor old cat in and don't let your dog go near it or bark at it.

Thank you to all the helpful people who have commented with constructive advice and support, it’s reassuring to know there are people who have had similar situations with elderly cats and that there could be a solution. It’s been a year with no progress but I’m trying my best!

Hi OP

Do you have a garden shed at the property where the elderly cat lives? When I was still living at home we had an old cat. My DPs later got a dog and the old cat didn't like having this young bouncy dog around so cat relocated herself to the shed. We made sure she had a comfy bed and litter tray in there, and that's where she was fed too. She would lay on the workbench which was in front of the shed window to get the warmth on her body. She lived in there quite happily for several years. It's just another option if you have a shed there.

@CassianAndor I didn't say it's all the OP's fault. If you'd read all my posts you'd see I questioned why her partner abandoned the cat in the first place.

There are 2 issues here: firstly, I can't believe you would consider doing this to your dh. It would be a massive betrayal of trust - and how traumatised might he be to think his beloved cat had "run away" and spend weeks or months looking for her, putting up posters, etc?

Secondly of course, you are doing exactly what he has accused you of, and getting rid of the cat because she's not convenient to you any more. People adopting from cats' homes only want cute kittens. Nobody would "rehome" an elderly cat with skin problems who needs medication - these are the sort of animals who would get put down by the animal shelter, after some traumatic weeks in a cage.

The cat probably doesn't have much longer to live. Can't you find an outdoor space - a shed maybe? - where she can get shelter from the rain?

If I did that to DH's cat, I can imagine he would tell me to go and look for the cat, and not come home until I had found it! And vice versa - if DH got rid of my cat.

Who is going to take on an elderly cat, with a medical condition?

If you could rehome the other cat that might remove the main problem.

You’ve made a really terrible suggestion about an elderly sick rescue pet and are surprised that people are angry? Really? Pearl clutching? That’s how you respond? You suggested you would get rid of an animal that’s not yours, is sick and unhappy and somehow objections are ‘pearl clutching’. Jesus.

The cat will NOT be rehomed, they’ll be left to sit, miserable, in a rescue centre. So you’re shifting the problem out of sight so you don’t have to deal with it. You’re not improving the cats life.

On the very first page you got a good suggestion re valerian. You should also bring the cat indoors immediately and keep it isolated in a room & slowly slowly reintroduce her into family life. You’ll need a litter tray and food etc as you cannot let the cat outside to hide under cars for the rest of its life.

I’m involved in animal rescue. You are our worst nightmare, aside from physically abusive people, people who dump older cats are not thought of well and I don’t think any of us need to apologise for thinking that. It’s a terrible thing to do.

Sarah maybe so, but you don't sem to have any problem in putting responsibility for their current living istuation firmly at the OP's door:

OP really shouldn't be a pet owner seeing as she's so willing to get rid of the cats and doesn't seem to consider their welfare before acting (I.e. moving in 2 other pets and a young baby).

The husband is the owner of this cat. Maybe he should have considered his pet's welfare before moving the rest of his family into his home? Or do you (and others, to be fair) assume the OP held him at gunpoint demanding to live at his house?

really Jessica? The OP is your worst nightmare - not her DH, who is the owner of this cat and seems to have done bugger all in recent years to care for his cat?

The OP is trying to come up with some solution that will aid this cat - yes, her suggestion about rehoming wasn't great, but her DH seems to be happy to do nothing at all.

The OP is trying to come up with some solution that will aid this cat - yes, her suggestion about rehoming wasn't great, but her DH seems to be happy to do nothing at all.

No, she’s shifting the issue. Her DH isn’t here so saying he’s doing nothing is unfair.

Yes, people who abandon pets are a nightmare, many don’t even drop them off at a rescue, they’re left to wander. Older cats abandoned after a lifetime with a single owner, are usually depressed, confused, and unfriendly- and with medical issues. Very few people can offer a cat like this a home, and even then it often doesn’t work out & the animal runs away. You have no idea how much of an issue this is. It is totally cruel. There are much better solutions and abandonment should never be one of them.

It’s getting to the point where his stubbornness is affecting her quality of life.

never mind, eh?

That’s the OP’s way of shifting blame and legitimising what she wants to do.

Both DH & OP haven’t managed this well and both need to work together to create a home that makes her happy.

@CassianAndor her husband isn't here. If he was I'd say the same thing, that he should have considered his cats welfare before abandoning it and then moving everyone back in to her home. But as it happens, it's OP here and it's OP who has no issue lying to her husband and essentially killing his cat. She also said she would happily get rid of her own cat. So yes I think she's an irresponsible pet owner who really shouldn't have any. Killing the cat isn't a solution.

do you think the cat is likely to last long under the husband's current care?

We only ever get one side of the story on MN but I'm pretty shocked that so many people are happy to blame the OP for the actual current situation (cat under car, with sores, unable to take medication) rather than the man who is actually responsible for - well, the entire situation.

I volunteer and provide practical and financial assistance to a local animal charity.It's a shock to think that my assistance and that of the many volunteers could possibly be given towards animals such as your husband's cat. Not much more I want to say really other than I know ladies who go hungry to finance cats like the one you refer to and it makes me despair to be honest.

So you want to re-home someone else's pet and claim is for the cats benefit?

@FloofenHoofen the cat is sick and does not feel comfortable in the house so can't get proper medical treatment. Short of OP moving out the other cat, dog and baby what can she do?

but I'm pretty shocked that so many people are happy to blame the OP for the actual current situation

People are blaming the OP for her opening statement which was to get rid of a sick older cat without telling her husband.

I really do think the OP is getting a hard time here. The cat does not feel comfortable in the house she has tried everything to try get the cat to adjust and tried to follow professional advice with no success. The cat is sick so the current living situation can't go on any longer.

She is not rehoming the cat due to inconvenience she thinks it is the kindest thing to do to a suffering pet and in this case it might well be. Once she brings the cat into the house and essentially have it locked into one room is that really any kinder then a new house where it could have the full house.

What are people suggesting she does? Give away the other two pets? Not have had the gall to have a baby while there was an older cat to think off? 🙄. She is at least trying to see what is best for the cat

Short of OP moving out the other cat, dog and baby what can she do?

There have been suggestions, including from people who work in rescues. This situation is challenging, but not hopeless. I’ve seen this before and I know foster families who have animals and create a space of isolation inside the house where the cats are confined. That is far better than outside under a car. There are other techniques mentioned to help ease the cats anxiety too.

tweebookworm nothing, it's not her cat.

no, they are blaming her specifically for, apparently, forcing herself, her pets and their baby into the husband's house that the cat he abandoned has been living in for the last 5 years. And utterly failing to pick up on the fact that he isn't bothered about the cat's current situation.

It would have been perfectly possible to suggest alternatives without all the incredibly dense screeching that ensued. But no- far easier to blame the OP for the whole situation.

She is not rehoming the cat due to inconvenience she thinks it is the kindest thing to do to a suffering pet and in this case it might well be. Once she brings the cat into the house and essentially have it locked into one room is that really any kinder then a new house where it could have the full house.

READ the thread!

This cat will not be rehomed. That is extremely unlikely and just does not happen in my experience. Explained previously. It will instead sit inside a rescue cage or cubical, on its own, until it passes.

The best solution is to bring it in, isolate it initially and then work with a proper behavioural specialist to attempt to rejoin the cat when it’s ready, with the rest of the family. I’ve done it myself, different circumstances but with an older sick cat.

Please do not surrender it anywhere. It will not be rehomed.

But no- far easier to blame the OP for the whole situation.

The OP shares responsibility for the situation with her DH. They’re a family and the cat is part of that family. The OP is being blamed for the utterly cruel suggestion to sneak away with the cat, and dump it because it’s old sick and difficult.