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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To re-home our cat without telling my husband?

272 replies

FiveFarthings · 04/09/2019 02:26

We have an elderly cat who unfortunately doesn’t have a great quality of life at the moment. I think we should re-home her but my husband is refusing.

For background, she is my husband’s cat (originally a rescue about ten years ago). When we met, he moved into my house and he rented his house to some friends. To avoid disturbing the cat, she stayed at his house and was looked after by our friends. She is about 14/15 years old and practically a house cat.

Five years later, we moved my cat and our young dog into my husband’s house. We also have just had a baby.

The elderly cat has not got on with the change at all and started living outside. We tried everything to get her back inside but nothing worked. The other cat/dog are friendly towards her but she hates them. My husband built her an outdoor kennel which she used initially but now won’t go inside it. She spends her time hiding under the cars in the drive, even when it’s pouring with rain.

It’s now been nearly a year. She needs daily medication for a skin condition which she won’t take and she keeps getting sores.

I really think it would be better for her to be re-homed somewhere where she will be properly looked after but my husband is refusing to even consider it. He feels like we would be ‘getting rid’ because she’s not convenient- it’s not about that, I would happily keep her as she’s a nice cat but it’s about what’s best for her. It’s getting to the point where his stubbornness is affecting her quality of life.

AIBU to think about getting her re-homed secretly but telling him she ran away?

OP posts:

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 04/09/2019 09:12

I don’t get the sense that the cat’s actual owner, her DH, cares that much about the cat.
It’s interesting to see the kneejerk pasting some people are giving the OP without questioning why her DH appears to be prepared to leave his beloved cat suffer.

PigletJohn · 04/09/2019 09:13

If you want your husband's cat to be put to death, the decent thing would be to ask him to arrange it so he can take the cat to the vet and it can spend its last minutes sitting on his lap rather than being terrified among strangers.

BertrandRussell · 04/09/2019 09:13

So. What should the OP do that she hasn’t already tried to do?

Obviously the secret rehoming is an awful idea. So-what should she do?

darkcloudsandsunnyskies · 04/09/2019 09:15

I do not like your attitude to other living things. What would DH think. You put yourself at the centre. DH has feelings too.

Ask the cat.

Honeybingbong · 04/09/2019 09:17

Your definitely getting a roasting op.

When I moved house we brought our 15 year old out door cat with us. She freaked the hell out. Wouldn’t eat, drink, sleep. She was a anxious mess. I felt incredibly guilty and cruel. We tried lots of the advice you’ve already had on here. Non of it seem to work. One time she bolted out of a upstairs window. 4 months later the behaviourist said we should think about having her pts as she was mentally fucked basically. I considered it but decided that I’d give it 6 more weeks and throw everything I had at it. We crated her. At first she hated it but I was so scared she’d get run over by a digger ( new build estate) but a week later she was a little better so we moved her from the quietest room to my bedroom, then a week later the landing. Then a miracle happened in the early hours of the morning she saw me get up and started purring !! So the next day I moved the crate to the living room and I gave her so much chicken. The following week we opened the crate door and she sat on the couch and chilled out. A few days later we gave her the run of the house. When she’d got used to that we moved the crate into the shed and she coped without it. The next step was the garden (I was scared of this bit) but I just sat her on my lap on out bench and fed her more chicken and she didn’t bolt !!! A few more days went by of the keeping her on my lap and I let her wander round the garden. She loved it. She found her crate in the shed and made herself all snuggly.
Now she’s semi in door. Goes between her crate and the sofa. She doesn’t go further than the drive is back to her old self.

I understand the stress. I was on pins over the my cat and felt cruel keeping her but who would want a old cat with so many issues when they could get a healthy one ? Stick with her op. There is a way to sort her you’ve just not figured it out yet.

(Before anyone tells me off for crating her. She had lots of lovely bedding, food, water and litter tray. It was imo at the time it was the safest way as I had 4 small dogs and a newborn to look after and I was scared I’d leave a door or window open and she would be gone)

katewhinesalot · 04/09/2019 09:19

Can the ex house mates keep her?

Honeyroar · 04/09/2019 09:23

I can understand your reasons, you're worried about the cat being sat out in the cold, but your plan to deceive your husband is disgusting - I would leave my husband for something like that.

I wouldn't be surprised if the start of colder weather spurs the cat into coming inside. It wouldn't hurt to try and find someone who would take the cat, then tp tell your husband, but present it as a choice "I'm really worried about the cat getting cold out there and her skin suffering. I know someone who is happy to take her, they've got a lovely quiet house, she'd be safe and happy..." If not I'd seriously co spider putting her to sleep. I wouldn't want her sitting out in the cold myself either.

But in the meantime keep talking to your husband, tell him you're worried about the cat.

LillianGish · 04/09/2019 09:32

The cat is his family you don’t get rid of something because it doesn’t fit into your life anymore and yet that’s exactly what he did when he moved out of his house and left the cat behind. He did what was best for the cat on that occasion and he should do so now. He was happy enough for it to be looked after by his renters for however many years (and let’s not pretend cats give a toss who looks after them as long as they are looked after) why can’t he let someone else look after it in it’s final years? Bonkers.

Idontwanttotalk · 04/09/2019 09:33

"AIBU to think about getting her re-homed secretly but telling him she ran away?"
YABVVU. I can't believe you would even contemplate such a thing. Do you think your DH is stupid and will believe you? If my DH did this I would consider it grounds for divorce and never forgive him.

So, this problem started when you moved your cat and your joint dog into the house your DH's cat was happy in. How would you feel about getting rid of your cat....because that is probably similar to the way your DH feels about getting rid of his.

It is 14/15 and people don't generally go for much older cats. It may well be pts. How would you feel about yours being pts for no good reason.

You are being selfish. You need to try much harder to help DH's cat to enjoy her home again. As a PP suggested, seek advice from an animal behaviourist.

QueSera · 04/09/2019 09:40

What sort of monster are you?? You want to get rid of your DH's elderly, poorly cat - and lie to him about it?? And you dress it up as faux concern for this poor creature's welfare?? You have serious issues.
It is highly unlikely that anyone would adopt a very old, ill cat, it would die slowly in a shelter or be put down. Why not get rid of your cat and dog, as that is the elderly cat's home before you moved them in?
Honestly I can't believe anyone could be so selfish and cruel, to an old cat and to one's DH.

AlrightOkNow · 04/09/2019 09:41

No, no, no! Try Feliway, I had this issue with my cat when I lived at home and there were changes within the household, try and keep the cat in as much as possible and keep them in a room with the plug in on.

SarahH12 · 04/09/2019 09:44

He did what was best for the cat on that occasion and he should do so now.

No he didn't. What was best for the cat was not abandoning it to move in with somebody who was clearly incompatible with their family life.

Idontwanttotalk · 04/09/2019 09:44

@HoneyBingBong
I was going to suggest crating her but was too scared of the responses.

Glad it worked well for you and your cat. OP, come on and try it if you really care for your DH and his cat.

VenusClapTrap · 04/09/2019 09:44

let’s not pretend cats give a toss who looks after them as long as they are looked after

This simply isn’t true. I’ve just got back from a fortnight away. I had a friend stay in the house for the duration, to look after our elderly, slightly anxious cat.

Cat likes my friend and was well looked after. Despite this she was clearly overjoyed to see us. She hasn’t let me out of my sight since, even sitting on my towel while I had a bath, and half an hour ago she walked up to ds (a shouty, unpredictable seven year old who she normally gives a wide berth) and touched noses with him.

If cats are loved they love back, in spades.

nosalad · 04/09/2019 09:45

This reply has been deleted

Post references deleted post. Talk Guidelines.

FenellaVelour · 04/09/2019 09:46

I’m confused too, do you not actually live with or look after any of “your” animals? Should you actually have responsibility for any animals at all?

LillianGish · 04/09/2019 09:52

Sorry Venus I admit I was being a bit provocative with that comment, but in the OP’s case her DH effectively abandoned the cat to move in with her and the cat was quite happy to stay on in the house with the renters. The cat isn’t particularly attached to him to him nor he to the cat.

SheSaidNoFuckThat · 04/09/2019 09:56

Giving the cat away is basically signing its death certificate - do you have any idea how hard it is an elderly cat? Selfish and disgusting

BertrandRussell · 04/09/2019 10:01

“Giving the cat away is basically signing its death certificate - do you have any idea how hard it is an elderly cat? Selfish and disgusting“
So. What should the OP do?

VenusClapTrap · 04/09/2019 10:03

I do agree with you there, Lillian.

OldGreyBoots · 04/09/2019 10:03

I would divorce for that.

HeadsDownThumbsUpEveryone · 04/09/2019 10:07

So. What should the OP do?

To be fair the Op has been given lots of good advice already. People could give her more advice on what to try but there doesn't seem much point reposting and filling up the thread with the same ideas when we have no idea what the OP and her DH have or have not yet tried.

Original poster

FiveFarthings · 04/09/2019 10:07

To be clear, I would never actually go ahead and rehome the cat without my husband’s permission. It’s more about the fact that I’m at my wits end trying to figure out a way to look after her when she clearly doesn’t have a great quality of life and he seems to think it’s fine.

To those who are saying ‘you should rehome the other cat and dog, it was the other cat’s home first’- that’s hardly relevant and not exactly a helpful suggestion.

I expected some roasting on here but bloody hell! Being called evil, disgusting, despicable, I shouldn’t have pets etc etc. At least I am concerned for the cat’s welfare and trying to do something. There is a lot of pearl clutching going on about the fact that I want to try and rehome her but no-one seems concerned that she is living outside in all weathers with poor skin! I do actually want her to live with us as she’s a nice cat but it’s got to the point that I don’t know what to do to help her any more. If I posted to say that I didn’t care about her condition, I’d be called out for animal abuse so what am I supposed to do!

To those who are posting telling me to build a kennel or see a behavior therapist or to keep trying, did you actually bother to read the original post in its entirety? Or just jump on the commenting bandwagon?

OP posts:

LiveInAHidingPlace · 04/09/2019 10:08

"So. What should the OP do?"

Take some responsibility for a living creature?

diddl · 04/09/2019 10:08

Can your cat & dog stay elsewhere whilst you get the cat settled back into their house?

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