To re-home our cat without telling my husband?

[FiveFarthings]

We have an elderly cat who unfortunately doesn’t have a great quality of life at the moment. I think we should re-home her but my husband is refusing.

For background, she is my husband’s cat (originally a rescue about ten years ago). When we met, he moved into my house and he rented his house to some friends. To avoid disturbing the cat, she stayed at his house and was looked after by our friends. She is about 14/15 years old and practically a house cat.

Five years later, we moved my cat and our young dog into my husband’s house. We also have just had a baby.

The elderly cat has not got on with the change at all and started living outside. We tried everything to get her back inside but nothing worked. The other cat/dog are friendly towards her but she hates them. My husband built her an outdoor kennel which she used initially but now won’t go inside it. She spends her time hiding under the cars in the drive, even when it’s pouring with rain.

It’s now been nearly a year. She needs daily medication for a skin condition which she won’t take and she keeps getting sores.

I really think it would be better for her to be re-homed somewhere where she will be properly looked after but my husband is refusing to even consider it. He feels like we would be ‘getting rid’ because she’s not convenient- it’s not about that, I would happily keep her as she’s a nice cat but it’s about what’s best for her. It’s getting to the point where his stubbornness is affecting her quality of life.

AIBU to think about getting her re-homed secretly but telling him she ran away?

Take some responsibility for a living creature?

😂😂 what does that mean?! What's your actual advice?

“Can your cat & dog stay elsewhere whilst you get the cat settled back into their house?”
imagine how Mumsnet would react to someone doing this for their baby!

“Take some responsibility for a living creature?”

Sorry. I meant specific, actual, practical advice.

"imagine how Mumsnet would react to someone doing this for their baby!"

Eh?

You say 'it's hardly relevant' to not regime your cat and dog?! How can you stare it's not relevant. I assume 'your' cat and dog aren't elderly/traumatised/wounded. It's massively relevant if you care fir animal welfare to rehome the animals who have a chance to be rehomed!!

Honestly I think you deserve all the negative feedback you're receiving. If you truly cared about animal welfare you'd look at the most realistic chance of allowing all animals to be happy. Attempting to rehome the wounded traumatised elderly cat is hugely hugely naive

I think the op should make a concerted effort to keep the cat in its own room, medicate as necessary and give her patience and time. If that isn't possible, (god knows why it wouldn't be, I've managed with wild cats and six resident cats and three dogs) then euthanasia is probably the kindest thing.
Husband sounds like he needs an ultimatum, he is neglecting the cats welfare and should be reported if he doesn't step up.

It might be awkward and difficult but I think you have to keep trying. It's highly unlikely an old, stressed, poorly cat would get rehomed. We all imagine they'd get picked straight away by the perfect person who would dedicate their time to her, but in reality, the cat rehoming centres are bursting at the seams and she would likely spend her last years in a small cage, basic needs being taken care of in terms of fed and watered and sheltered but not individually loved, in a crowded room or outbuilding with many other unwanted cats in cages. I've seen them. Rehoming centres do an absolutely marvellous job and thank goodness they are there, but they can't ever be a real home.

I think she is more likely stressed by your own cat moving in firstly, cats are very territorial, and then the dog and baby to a lesser extent. There's been some excellent advice on the thread but it would require you to dig deep and take pity on this poor creature and keep trying to rehabilitate her in your home.

I agree with cantfindname about focusing on feeding and distressing. We did rehome a very very elderly cat with health issues and he had been in rescue for a year before we had him. We adored him even though he was hard work. But it's rare. OP comes across as unloving toward the cat and I think that's a shame as cats are wonderful

I think the OP should have just asked for advice about what to do with the cat if that's what she wants, without suggesting the whole rehoming her without telling her husband, which is what has angered people so much.

I would leave any partner who did this.

I think we need to 'remove' the other animals from this question - not physically but thinking about like 'DH had this elderly cat, we've had a baby and now cat won't come in - what can I do'.

Ultimately it's about either getting the cat to come in or finding somewhere for the cat because, if it were just the child being in the house being the problem, you can't get rid of your child! People would then be saying re-home the cat. So I think you're getting blasted unfairly on that score - not telling your DH is something you deserve to be blasted for though!

So concentrating on the cat. My sister had a feral cat which she 'domesticated' by using a cattery which specialised in that. The cat was taken in for a week or two and 'domesticated' by being put in a large cage, cuddled every day, talked to, someone sat in his cage every few hours to get him used to having the clumping great human sharing his space. Having lived outside for 10 years the cat has lived indoors for the past three years very happily and won't move of the sofa now! It's worth checking if there is such a place in your area and seeing if they can help you. Your local vet may be able to help with that.

Crating a cat of that age wouldn't be a problem I wouldn't think. I'm not an expert but again the vet can help. Cats like a safe, quiet space and will sit in the smallest box so space isn't an issue as long as the cat can move around and can come out if it needs to or wants to. He or she would need a quiet place, nice big crate, use Feliway plug in in the area. As someone else said you then move the crate a little bit every week or so until the cat is using the crate in a family area. Then everyone has to learn that that space is the cat's - other cats get shooed away and the dog stays away.

We used Feliway plug in with our cat (a rescue - very very timid), we let her decide where she went in one room (our kitchen diner in our case). She slept on a book shelf for a week! No crashing or banging about. But we'd go in and sit on the floor near the cat, read a book, check our phone, didn't make eye contact with the cat but just talked quietly to the cat. We didn't expect the cat to come to us, just let her get used to us. Within a week our cat was sitting next to me as I read my book. Then we opened up another room to her. Now she uses every room. But she has a cat tree where she will go when she wants peace - that's our cue to leave her alone.

But you need to get the cat in first so crating may be the option that could work. If you use that method make sure no other cats, no dogs and no loud noise in the area where the cat first lives until they are settled. Open the door and sit quietly in the doorway two or three times a day chatting quietly. Chat to the cat as you feed it or clean its tray.

If the cat comes out make sure it has a safe place - high up is usually best for a cat. At 14 years old they'll sleep a lot and they won't want to have to deal with excited cats, dogs or kids.

If I were you I'd have a chat to the vet about the best option for the cat. There are lots of solutions out there - animal behaviourists through to re-homing. But don't jump the gun until you've talked through all the options. A family cat deserves the best end to its life.

Sorry OP but if a member of my family did that it would mean i would never trust them again.
Elderly cats could very well pine away from a massive change like rehoming.
Our 15 year old cat spent a lot of time just pottering about outside in her last few months and wailing (dementia) and we would get her in only for her to pop out again even in the rain. She also frequently missed the litter tray. Rehome? No way.
She was ds s cat from a kitten and we all loved her.
Everyone (with luck) gets old and a little hard to look after.
The poor thing probably has very little time left. Can you not try to keep other animals/ baby away from her and have a place she can call her own( realise that could be hard as my old girl mostly wanted the sheltered patio or the kitchen) but sadly it wont be forever.
As a sidenote ds s then gf disliked his cat immensely (no tolerance for the poo accidents or wailing) and he binned the gf.
(Not just for that. Other story entirely) so at least our old girl had her last year in peace with us and "her human" home.
Sounds like your dh is your cat s human and I bet they would both be unhappy if you rehomed her (and realistically her chances of a new home are low as an elderly cat with health problems. She would probably languish in a shelter).

YANBU to know the cat needs a new home but YABU to do it without your husband's permission. That said, I'm not sure what the answer is if he's being stubborn to the cat's detriment as it's a welfare issue and not fair.

We are going through similar with one of our cats at the moment. Since the baby arrived he is bloody miserable, shitting and peeing everywhere. We are working through all the 'things to do', vet visits, Feliway, his own room, but I have a feeling he just doesn't like the noise and the change and this was the last straw. So I'm not sure what we will do as the current situation isn't sustainable for any of us. Our other cat is quite happy, but they aren't particularly bonded to each other so I don't think he really draws any comfort from her presence.

It's tough because no one wants to be 'that person', but if everyone is miserable then something has to be done. We are exploring options with friends and family who might want to take him, but he's not an easy cat and understandably people are reluctant when they learn he craps and pees everywhere...

And tbh I do understand the dog comment. I love the cats but they're not comparable to our dog in terms of their involvement in our family life and relationship to us. I would never rehome the dog for one of them. I'm sure that makes me an awful human but 🤷‍♀️

We won't be getting cats ever again but I do want to do right by then, even if that means some tough decisions.

So, OP, other than coming back to complain about the roasting you’ve had, what are your thoughts on the actual suggestions you’ve had? Crating? Separate room? Valerian?

^^ agreed Valerian

Oops I mean Venus 🤪

So, OP, other than coming back to complain about the roasting you’ve had, what are your thoughts on the actual suggestions you’ve had? Crating? Separate room? Valerian?

This ^^ Maybe if you start actually responding to suggestions the knowledgeable posters on here could actually offer other ideas and ways of supporting you, your DH and the cat.

You're actually trying to help this cat, unlike your DH.

Really? Helping the cat by signing it's death warrant before trying all the other options... Yet somehow we are the idiots OP really shouldn't be a pet owner seeing as she's so willing to get rid of the cats and doesn't seem to consider their welfare before acting (I.e. moving in 2 other pets and a young baby). Most responsible pet owners would consider their welfare and ways of helping them before acting or signing their death warrant.

I agree with Venus.

Poor creature. She's very old and you want to 'get rid' of her. How much longer do you think she's going to live? l'm not even a cat person, but l think you're being callous and unkind. Surely anyone with a scrap of compassion and reason would recognise that with her age, this won't be an issue for much longer.

Would you say the same about someone choosing to send an elderly parent to residential care.

We recognise things change for elderly people and sometimes moving them is best. But apparently if we extend the same courtesy to our pets, we're selfish and callous.

Same is true of the valerian suggestion. Sure, space them out with a herbal remedy. That's much more preferable to them having an active, sentient life in a new home.

Do you know anyone that is willing to give the cat a new home (with no other pets or young children)? If not I don't think a rescue will manage to find a new owner easily and it risks ending its days in a rescue centre. Get DH to put more effort into making his cat feel welcome in your home. Feliway helped our anxious cat, together with a quiet dedicated room.

oh right, Sarah, et al. Well, do tell me what the cat's actual owner has done to care for his cat over the years? Because at the end of the day it is his home they all moved in to so I'm assuming that he is the one to take responsibility for that. No? All the OP's fault?

Yep, still idiotic.

Would you say the same about someone choosing to send an elderly parent to residential care.

Are you seriously comparing putting an elderly parent into a home to sending the cat to a rescue where chance are it will wither be pts or spend the rest of its life in a cage?

Same is true of the valerian suggestion. Sure, space them out with a herbal remedy. That's much more preferable to them having an active, sentient life in a new home.

There are actually no words for the idiocy of this comment .

I would never forgive you .

You moved YOUR dog and cat in then had a baby ? Tough SHIT. Your DHs cat was there first .

Are you seriously comparing putting an elderly parent into a home to sending the cat to a rescue where chance are it will wither be pts or spend the rest of its life in a cage?

As others have said, rehoming an aged cat isn't unusual. Many people prefer them to kittens. The worst case scenarios are far from certain, just as when we choose a care home we take risks with how people are treated.